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Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward

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Brooke Renee:

--- Quote from: TXSara on August 30, 2021, 01:42:16 pm ---I think most of us here can point to a similar "eureka" moment.  Mine came over the Christmas holidays in 2019.

That is wonderful news.  I feel very lucky that my wife and kids are "mostly" supportive.  My wife finds herself on the roller coaster frequently.  She'll be extremely supportive one week, then really struggle with it the next.  I don't fault her one bit -- this is really hard on her.  The kids seem to have no problems at all.  It's just a different world today than it was when I was growing up!  If you have a supportive wife and daughter, you're already well ahead of the curve.

Yep.  That's how it works.  I have been on the "slow" ride for the last 1.5+ years because I want to make sure I don't push too hard with the wife.  I handle my dysphoria by making sure I'm always moving forward -- even if it's just a little.  For instance, I have worked really hard at getting down to my desired weight.  I have also worked to get rid of body and facial hair.  Those are sort of "long lead" items that you can work on and make yourself feel like you're making progress without pushing the limits too much at once. 

Yep, that first time shaving my body was great -- it's a real pain to keep up with, though.  That's why I eventually lasered it all off (plus electrolysis on my face).  If you're going for HRT quickly, you may find that the hormones slow down the body hair without having to do laser hair removal.  For me, I wanted to make sure the wife was completely on board before pushing HRT on her -- doing the hair removal thing really helped with my dysphoria without crossing that threshold.

Good luck!  It looks like you, Jamie, and I will be going for the ride at the same time!

~Sara

--- End quote ---

My wife is probably more in the "mostly" supportive column as well.  But that is still a blessing. 

JamieH:

--- Quote from: SoBrooke on August 30, 2021, 02:58:43 pm ---My wife is probably more in the "mostly" supportive column as well.  But that is still a blessing.

--- End quote ---

I can only hope my wife is the same.  I suspect she will be but who knows what that ultimately means for the marriage. 

My wife is also Polynesian and their culture has some fairly extreme gender norms and taboos.  I expect a big challenge there especially with her family, even if she's initially supportive. 

I'm glad you're feeling like you're in a good place mentally.  And yes, just knowing we're not along is HUGE!

CaelaNotKayla:

--- Quote from: SoBrooke on August 30, 2021, 10:41:35 am ---The first time wearing my forms with a pretty bra was like opening up the flood gates.  The years of feelings, hiding, pretending, and whatever came gushing out.  I just sat on my bed and cried. 

--- End quote ---

That moment of self-realization is so powerful- for me it was when I put on one of my late wife's wigs,  and began this new chapter in my life.


--- Quote from: SoBrooke on August 30, 2021, 10:41:35 am ---So ladies, here is my question..  It seems like my gender dysphoria is now ten time worse since I am acknowledging my true self.  I think the dysphoria has always been there I am just now allowing myself to quit denying it.  Did you have a similar experience? 

--- End quote ---

Thinking back to my life BC (Before Caela) I looked in the mirror and often felt that this isn't me .    Now in my AD life (After Discovery) I have to say that I look in the mirror and often say this is me.  The disconnection is still there- I can hardly recognize the person in all the old pictures, and anything that makes me feel less like the new me triggers that sense of dysphoria for me.


--- Quote from: SoBrooke on August 30, 2021, 10:41:35 am ---I guess that is enough rambling for one post but I would love to hear how you eased your dysphoria. 

--- End quote ---

A big one for me was dealing with hair.... a need for less in some places, and more in others!  Shaving is a constant maintenance thing, and up top I became comfortable in wigs and head covers.   

I also got my ears pierced- don't discount getting piercings just because you may have to express yourself as male to the outside world.... we live in a part of the country where male earrings are fairly normal.  I love my piercings, and it's definitely affirming to have a pair of sparkling studs on no matter what. 

Listen to yourself.... Learn the things that trigger you the most, and let that be your guide- and don't be surprised at things that you try that open more doors for you.

Hugs!!

Caela


Brooke Renee:
Wow, what a week!  Met with my trans care doctor, started HRT, ordered a wig (crossing fingers...), and got a pedi with the wife.  I suppose I did a tad more than tip-toeing!   ;)

Brooke Renee:
Hello Everyone,

It's now been almost 2 full months since I have accepted that I am a transgender woman.  Sure deep down I have always known but I did a good job of repressing reality. 

Some things I have seen so far.  Since acknowledging that I am a woman my dysphoria got kicked into overdrive.  Seriously, I thought it was rough before but now it is over the top and nearly constant. 

But... now that I have accepted reality I am not afraid to ask for help.  I am now under the care a great doctor and I have started HRT. 

Maybe a placebo effect (which I am fine with) but the act of taking a T blocker and Estradiol has been very affirming and has helped the dysphoria.  I know I am not likely seeing actual effects yet but I am way more at peace.  I am also taking other steps such as removal of body hair.  I am a ginger so I don't have dark hair.  That said, trimming my arm hair has been very affirming.  I am also discovering my feminine features such as my thin arms with small hands and long fingers.  I am happy with my neck as I do not have an Adam's apple.  Legs match my arms which is nice.  Shoulders are something I will not discuss.. 

My checking account has taken a hit.  For years I only purchased panties and the occasional cami for fear that anything more meant a full on acknowledgement of just how deep the rabbit hole went.  Well those days are way behind me, I openly accept that I want to be a woman rather than just feel like a woman.  To that end, I recently ordered my first heels and a dress!  I am looking at makeup tips for trans women.  I now have a Pinterest account to for pretty dresses and makeup.  OMG, I have discovered how much I love pleated skirts! 

I am much much much much more at peace.  My wife has even noticed how I am way more loving, way less reactive and we are connecting better than we have for years.  I guess the years of dysphoria and denial really took their toll.  I really think coming out as transgender has probably saved my marriage. 

I guess that is enough rambling for today. 


Have a great day ladies,
Brooke Renee

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