Author Topic: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward  (Read 7025 times)

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Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #60 on: January 20, 2022, 07:49:28 am »
Hello ladies,

A quick update now that it has been at least a month since I stopped HRT.  My goal with HRT was to use a low dose to help control the dysphoria but avoid visible physical changes.  At this point in my life I am not ready (or I don't feel ready) to make a transition. 

Some quick history..  Over the few months that I was on estradiol and Spiro I noticed the male libido reducing.  This cut way back on the unwanted erections and seemed to bring a since of peace.  I also loved how my skin felt different and how my sweat was different.  I really loved knowing that every time I placed a tab under my tongue I was doing something that was feminizing.  Then the breast development began, even on the low dosages.  My angst over gender dysphoria was replaced by anxiety of be outed long before I am ready.

So now it has been over a month without the meds.  Pretty much all has or is returning back to the way it was.  Including the dysphoria.  I don't really know what to do, my doctor wants me to try a low dose of estradiol and no Spiro to see how that combination goes.  Until then, I am employing every non-medical method I can to help alleviate the GD.  It's really hard though.  Sorry to be the drama girl but I know you all understand how this feels. 

 

Kindest Regards,

Brooke

Offline Courtney G

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #61 on: January 20, 2022, 11:11:59 am »
I completely relate to where you're at, Brooke. I hope you and your doc are able to find a solution that offers some balance. I'm in a similar place and contemplating the same at this point.

Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #62 on: January 21, 2022, 10:57:48 am »
I completely relate to where you're at, Brooke. I hope you and your doc are able to find a solution that offers some balance. I'm in a similar place and contemplating the same at this point.

Hi Courtney, I hope you are well and thank you for your reply and support!  The ups and downs are a killer but maybe I can find some relief, we'll see.  How nice it would be to just go through your day and never think about your gender.  But I am trying to remain positive.  I'm healthy, have a great career with a retirement, etc. so I need to keep perspective and be grateful for all that I have. 

Brooke Renee

Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #63 on: January 27, 2022, 08:21:01 am »
Hello friends,

I hope you all are well and are weathering the latest biological assault that is being lobbed at us.  The new variant is definitely causing some havoc at work, I am doing everything I can to stay safe. 

Dysphoria is now a frequent companion which I felt would be the case after stopping HRT.  Later in February I have an appointment to find some middle ground.  My Doctor is thinking Estradiol but no Spiro.  She thinks that may give me some relief while minimizing the physical effects. 

In other news I am traveling to see family soon, they know nothing of Brooke, nor will they.  Just not something I am ready for.  Traveling to where they live is somewhat angsty.  They live in an ultra conservative part of the country where everything is seen, lived, and judged through the lens of religion.  Just getting off the airplane makes me tense up. 

On past trips I enjoyed a glass of bourbon to take the edge off but not this time.  I am fast approaching one year alcohol free and I am stronger than before.  This year my coping tactics will be to keep up my running and workouts.  They live near a small lake that has a great network of trails that I can run.  Nothing super long distance but I should be able to get in 10K pretty easily.  The weather looks to be somewhat rubbish with temps around 4 or 5C so I'll have to pack some cold weather gear.  That's fine, temp wise that is not too different than here at home and I will not have the damp air off the ocean to make it worse. 

In other news I am working on myself to be more emotionally available to my wife.  I have a tendency to withdraw when I am stressed or hurting, this has certainly been the case when I have been dealing with GD.  This is not good for either one of us and in time only complicates our marriage.  Now when I am low I am reaching out to her, not to dump my emotional problems but to love and hold her which is making us both more happy.  Yes, I guess this is a "no way Brooke" moment but when I'm down I cannot see the answer even when it standing right in front of me.

I guess that is latest news.  All the best to everyone! 

Love
Brooke Renee
   

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #64 on: January 27, 2022, 09:24:22 am »
Hey, Brooke!

My maddest respects for getting to your first year sober. I know you're aware how few people manage to string together 365 straight days. Proud of you, dollin'.

For those of us unfamiliar with the process of going clean, your brain takes 18-24 months to   recover from the severest stages of withdrawal. Hitting 365 straight days is very, very hard. Not many of us make it. It's so easy to fall back on that little bit of solace, that taste of simple comfort and relief, and it's all downhill from there. Most of my compatriots in Drunk Camp were frequent fliers.

Once again, Brooke, you're doing great. Keep it up. If you can make it through this past year, you can make it through this visit. You're clearly tougher than nails.

I'm always just a DM away for you.

Top notch!
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Freedom comes at a high price. But I have paid that price, and I am free." -- Muhammad Ali

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess

"When going through hell, best keep moving." -- Old & KIA

“Darling,” She said, “it doesn’t matter. You have only one choice. You can walk farther along the path or not. It is a narrow path. You may be scared about lifting your foot up to take your next step. It doesn’t matter. You don’t have to step very far. It’s up to you.
"But all you get to do is choose. Your anxieties, your fears, your courage, your happiness, your rage: go ahead and feel them all you want. They don’t matter. What matters is what you choose.
“I can promise you a long and fascinating road. I’ll give you tools along the way. I’ll be with you every step.
“Now make your choice.” --  my beloved Battle Goddess

Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #65 on: January 27, 2022, 07:50:19 pm »
Hey, Brooke!

My maddest respects for getting to your first year sober. I know you're aware how few people manage to string together 365 straight days. Proud of you, dollin'.

For those of us unfamiliar with the process of going clean, your brain takes 18-24 months to   recover from the severest stages of withdrawal. Hitting 365 straight days is very, very hard. Not many of us make it. It's so easy to fall back on that little bit of solace, that taste of simple comfort and relief, and it's all downhill from there. Most of my compatriots in Drunk Camp were frequent fliers.

Once again, Brooke, you're doing great. Keep it up. If you can make it through this past year, you can make it through this visit. You're clearly tougher than nails.

I'm always just a DM away for you.

Top notch!

Thank you so much BG! 

Oh how I know about the frequent flyer program...  But this time seems very different, I don't (or haven't yet) had any real cravings.  Perhaps my mind and spirit finally decided that I am done with alcohol.  I have a tracker on my phone that will tell me the $$$ and calories saved, OMG that is adding up.  My goodness, talk about motivation. 

I'll make it through the visit, there will be some cringing but I'll get through. 

Again, thank you for your kind words and support.  It really means a lot, thank you. 

Hugs,

Brooke

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #66 on: January 28, 2022, 01:32:42 pm »
Thank you so much BG! 

Oh how I know about the frequent flyer program...  But this time seems very different, I don't (or haven't yet) had any real cravings.  Perhaps my mind and spirit finally decided that I am done with alcohol.  I have a tracker on my phone that will tell me the $$$ and calories saved, OMG that is adding up.  My goodness, talk about motivation. 

I'll make it through the visit, there will be some cringing but I'll get through. 

Again, thank you for your kind words and support.  It really means a lot, thank you. 

Hugs,

Brooke

Meant every word of it. Comes a time in a person's life where they've had enough of alcohol, and alcohol has had enough of them.

Running sounds like a very solid alternative to bourbon. Each time the walls start closing in, you have a good reason to escape for a while. I think I'd run the h*ll away from there and stay run away!  ::)

But it's up to you. I'm down a bunch of weight, too, and not drinking a handle of good bourbon a week does save a bunch of money, don't it?
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Freedom comes at a high price. But I have paid that price, and I am free." -- Muhammad Ali

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess

"When going through hell, best keep moving." -- Old & KIA

“Darling,” She said, “it doesn’t matter. You have only one choice. You can walk farther along the path or not. It is a narrow path. You may be scared about lifting your foot up to take your next step. It doesn’t matter. You don’t have to step very far. It’s up to you.
"But all you get to do is choose. Your anxieties, your fears, your courage, your happiness, your rage: go ahead and feel them all you want. They don’t matter. What matters is what you choose.
“I can promise you a long and fascinating road. I’ll give you tools along the way. I’ll be with you every step.
“Now make your choice.” --  my beloved Battle Goddess

Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #67 on: January 30, 2022, 10:51:24 am »
Meant every word of it. Comes a time in a person's life where they've had enough of alcohol, and alcohol has had enough of them.

Running sounds like a very solid alternative to bourbon. Each time the walls start closing in, you have a good reason to escape for a while. I think I'd run the h*ll away from there and stay run away!  ::)

But it's up to you. I'm down a bunch of weight, too, and not drinking a handle of good bourbon a week does save a bunch of money, don't it?

Less than 48 hours before departure and I can feel myself tensing up.  I'm breathing, I'm breathing. 

I have too much history back at this place, too many memories of being bullied as a child and teen. 

But, I need to see my parents.  I'm doing this for them. 

I know I will not drink, there's no way I am letting this place take anything else from me. 



Offline Rachel Montgomery

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #68 on: January 30, 2022, 12:43:23 pm »
Stay strong.  It sucked, going through what you did, but you are taking control and making your life better.  Keep getting better and stronger.

Offline Courtney G

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #69 on: January 30, 2022, 09:41:45 pm »
I'm rooting for you Brooke! You're going to own this and come out stronger as a result. We're all behind you on this.

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #70 on: January 31, 2022, 12:34:51 am »


Less than 48 hours before departure and I can feel myself tensing up.  I'm breathing, I'm breathing. 

I have too much history back at this place, too many memories of being bullied as a child and teen. 

But, I need to see my parents.  I'm doing this for them. 

I know I will not drink, there's no way I am letting this place take anything else from me.

No, of course you're not going to drink. Play it forward and imagine how you'd feel about yourself afterwards. Alcohol won't solve that.

Worst comes to worst, there's always the back door and fresh air.

Are you positive you have to make this trip, Brooke? Will it be good for you?
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Freedom comes at a high price. But I have paid that price, and I am free." -- Muhammad Ali

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess

"When going through hell, best keep moving." -- Old & KIA

“Darling,” She said, “it doesn’t matter. You have only one choice. You can walk farther along the path or not. It is a narrow path. You may be scared about lifting your foot up to take your next step. It doesn’t matter. You don’t have to step very far. It’s up to you.
"But all you get to do is choose. Your anxieties, your fears, your courage, your happiness, your rage: go ahead and feel them all you want. They don’t matter. What matters is what you choose.
“I can promise you a long and fascinating road. I’ll give you tools along the way. I’ll be with you every step.
“Now make your choice.” --  my beloved Battle Goddess

Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #71 on: January 31, 2022, 08:09:11 am »

No, of course you're not going to drink. Play it forward and imagine how you'd feel about yourself afterwards. Alcohol won't solve that.

Worst comes to worst, there's always the back door and fresh air.

Are you positive you have to make this trip, Brooke? Will it be good for you?

Good Morning BG,

Yeah, I need to go.  My parents are getting up there in years and even though they are both healthy they are in their 80s.  You just never know when their health could take a turn.  I'll strengthen my resolve and take on the week with grace and dignity.  I can do this. 

I really appreciate everyone's support! 


Brooke




Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #72 on: February 02, 2022, 08:34:15 pm »
Postcard from the Hillbilly Homeland


Hello friends,

I safely traveled from my home in the US Pacific Northwest to the area of the country know as "the South".  The visit with mom and dad is going well but the weather is rather nasty.  There's nothing charming about an ice storm. 

I had to do some grocery shopping for the parents and I am pleased to say I encounter some very pleasant locals.  I'm sure I could easily locate the darker side but I am committed to remain positive and make the best of my visit.  As a bonus, the market carried the same avocado ice cream that I buy back in the Seattle area. 

Because of the rubbish weather I have not been able to trail run, instead I camped out on a treadmill then did my core and pushups.  Not nearly the meditative moment as trail time but it was better than nothing.  Beggars can't be choosers and I did get the avocado ice cream. 

Make no mistake, I am very ready to leave this place.  But I am being fairly successful in focusing on spending time with mom and dad and not the pervasive backwardness that seems to be the calling card of the region. 

Finally, I am still very successful with my abstinence from alcohol.  I was afraid that this trip would trigger the cravings but so far, I have not had any issues.  That's pretty cool in my book, maybe Brooke is stronger than she gives herself credit for being. 


Kindest Regards,

Brooke Renee


 




Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #73 on: February 02, 2022, 09:50:13 pm »
@Brooke Renee
Dear Brooke:
I am very pleased to read that in spite of the bad weather and your endeavors and
journey in the "South" that you are persevering.
It is good that you are able to spend some personal time with your aging parents.

The really good news that I read is that you are still being very successful with
your abstinence from alcohol.

I imagine that you are looking forward to your return to Seattle.   
When are you heading back?

Thank you for sharing your update....
HUGS,
Danielle


***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
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Started HRT:   March 2015
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I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 42

Offline Rachel Montgomery

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #74 on: February 02, 2022, 10:23:32 pm »
Welcome to the south, where not all of us are transphobic.  :)

Say hey to SaraTX for me.

Offline TXSara

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #75 on: February 02, 2022, 11:29:42 pm »
Yeah!  What Rachel said!

Oh, and get it right... in the South we're rednecks, not hillbillies.  That's reserved for our West Virginia brethren and the like!

If you're in my neck of the woods, let me know and we can go for a jog!

~Sara

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #76 on: February 03, 2022, 01:54:43 am »
Check you out, Brooke, rocking the relaxation and taking care of yourself ethanol-free! Most excellent.

Sounds real good. You just might be right in what you think about Beooke's incredible strength.



Yeah!  What Rachel said!

Oh, and get it right... in the South we're rednecks, not hillbillies.  That's reserved for our West Virginia brethren and the like!


With respect, I submit my family as evidence of Southern hillbillies.



"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Freedom comes at a high price. But I have paid that price, and I am free." -- Muhammad Ali

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess

"When going through hell, best keep moving." -- Old & KIA

“Darling,” She said, “it doesn’t matter. You have only one choice. You can walk farther along the path or not. It is a narrow path. You may be scared about lifting your foot up to take your next step. It doesn’t matter. You don’t have to step very far. It’s up to you.
"But all you get to do is choose. Your anxieties, your fears, your courage, your happiness, your rage: go ahead and feel them all you want. They don’t matter. What matters is what you choose.
“I can promise you a long and fascinating road. I’ll give you tools along the way. I’ll be with you every step.
“Now make your choice.” --  my beloved Battle Goddess

Offline TXSara

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #77 on: February 03, 2022, 05:08:17 am »
With respect, I submit my family as evidence of Southern hillbillies.

 ;D Fair enough, BG!  Where from?

~Sara

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #78 on: February 03, 2022, 08:40:43 am »
My line of the family ended up in Perry County, Mo, which is not too far from Cape Girardeau. It's beautiful country. Hilly, forested, well-watered, close to the river.

And yes, before you go making jokes about inbreeding, webbed toes are not necessarily always a bad thing, and it simplifies one's family tree.
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Freedom comes at a high price. But I have paid that price, and I am free." -- Muhammad Ali

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess

"When going through hell, best keep moving." -- Old & KIA

“Darling,” She said, “it doesn’t matter. You have only one choice. You can walk farther along the path or not. It is a narrow path. You may be scared about lifting your foot up to take your next step. It doesn’t matter. You don’t have to step very far. It’s up to you.
"But all you get to do is choose. Your anxieties, your fears, your courage, your happiness, your rage: go ahead and feel them all you want. They don’t matter. What matters is what you choose.
“I can promise you a long and fascinating road. I’ll give you tools along the way. I’ll be with you every step.
“Now make your choice.” --  my beloved Battle Goddess

Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #79 on: February 03, 2022, 08:50:55 am »
@Brooke Renee
Dear Brooke:
I am very pleased to read that in spite of the bad weather and your endeavors and
journey in the "South" that you are persevering.
It is good that you are able to spend some personal time with your aging parents.

The really good news that I read is that you are still being very successful with
your abstinence from alcohol.

I imagine that you are looking forward to your return to Seattle.   
When are you heading back?

Thank you for sharing your update....
HUGS,
Danielle


Hi Danielle,

I fly home on Sunday.  It's been a nice visit and I am very happy to see mom and dad doing so well for their age. 



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