Author Topic: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward  (Read 833 times)

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Offline Brooke Renee

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Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« on: August 30, 2021, 10:41:35 am »
Hello,

Probably like everyone else here I began to have feminine interests and curiosity at a young age.  I remember saying that I wanted to be a ballerina when I was around 5 and I vividly remember the abuse I endured for the months that followed.  I guess that early conditioning taught me to keep my feelings buried deep.

And that is how it went for years until the urge to feel feminine led me to crossdressing.  Being the master of denial I rationalized that I just had a simple panty fetish, deep down I knew that was a lie and those panties were just the tip of a very big, pink, iceberg. 

But I got a career and a family so I compartmentalized, rationalized, and just basically hid from my authentic self. 

Then about a year ago I finally purchased some silicone breast forms.  I had put some into my cart many times before only to chicken out and remove them but this time I did it!  The first time wearing my forms with a pretty bra was like opening up the flood gates.  The years of feelings, hiding, pretending, and whatever came gushing out.  I just sat on my bed and cried. 

So here I am, I have come out to my supportive wife and daughter.  My wife actually was the first to vocalize that she thought I was transgender.  My daughter is super supportive as well. 

So ladies, here is my question..  It seems like my gender dysphoria is now ten time worse since I am acknowledging my true self.  I think the dysphoria has always been there I am just now allowing myself to quit denying it.  Did you have a similar experience? 

I don't know what my future will be, I just know I am tired of hiding and feeling alone.  I would like to begin HRT at a low dosage to see how that goes.  I have started seeing a therapist, she says she works with trans folks but I have only had one session.  I am now shaving my chest and legs to help with the dysphoria as well as wearing gender confirming clothing whenever possible. 

I guess that is enough rambling for one post but I would love to hear how you eased your dysphoria. 

All the best,
Brooke


Offline JamieH

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #1 on: August 30, 2021, 11:49:02 am »
Hello,

Probably like everyone else here I began to have feminine interests and curiosity at a young age.  I remember saying that I wanted to be a ballerina when I was around 5 and I vividly remember the abuse I endured for the months that followed.  I guess that early conditioning taught me to keep my feelings buried deep.

And that is how it went for years until the urge to feel feminine led me to crossdressing.  Being the master of denial I rationalized that I just had a simple panty fetish, deep down I knew that was a lie and those panties were just the tip of a very big, pink, iceberg. 

But I got a career and a family so I compartmentalized, rationalized, and just basically hid from my authentic self. 

Then about a year ago I finally purchased some silicone breast forms.  I had put some into my cart many times before only to chicken out and remove them but this time I did it!  The first time wearing my forms with a pretty bra was like opening up the flood gates.  The years of feelings, hiding, pretending, and whatever came gushing out.  I just sat on my bed and cried. 

So here I am, I have come out to my supportive wife and daughter.  My wife actually was the first to vocalize that she thought I was transgender.  My daughter is super supportive as well. 

So ladies, here is my question..  It seems like my gender dysphoria is now ten time worse since I am acknowledging my true self.  I think the dysphoria has always been there I am just now allowing myself to quit denying it.  Did you have a similar experience? 

I don't know what my future will be, I just know I am tired of hiding and feeling alone.  I would like to begin HRT at a low dosage to see how that goes.  I have started seeing a therapist, she says she works with trans folks but I have only had one session.  I am now shaving my chest and legs to help with the dysphoria as well as wearing gender confirming clothing whenever possible. 

I guess that is enough rambling for one post but I would love to hear how you eased your dysphoria. 

All the best,
Brooke

As you read other people's stories and blog posts here (you should start a blog thread too) you'll see that pretty much everyone here had similar experiences as a kid, stronger feelings with age, lots of denial and repression, etc.  I am currently in the middle of the biggest dysphoric cycle I've ever experienced.  I'm just starting to allow myself to feel this way and starting to try to admit things to myself, and it's only making the feelings stronger while ratcheting up a lot of anxiety about a path forward...or to just repress it again somehow.   Having something like this bottled up since I was 5 has done a number on me, as I'm sure you can relate.  I have not come out to anyone, but have found a therapist and hopefully meeting this week.

Getting your thoughts out in writing helps a lot.  A blog thread is a good way to keep all your stuff in one place.  It's a good thing that you've figured out who you are.  I'm not experienced on this journey, but I'd imagine that the 2 steps you've taken (admitting to yourself, and coming out to wife) are probably among the hardest steps.  Not to discount the difficulty of coming out socially, professionally,  etc, I think when that happens you be able to say to yourself "I told my wife I'm a woman, telling HR is a piece of cake in comparison). 

But to your question about your dysphoria being stronger now that you're acknowledging yourself,  YES.  That is why I'm here, why I sought out this site, why I called a therapist.  For some reason and I don't know why, I feel less inclined to beat Jamie down into oblivion this time and more inclined to let her roam free in my thoughts.  I find myself happy and excited allowing myself to feel feminine, imagining my life as a woman on the outside, and I feel like it reinforces it and makes it stronger.  Then the crush of "I can't do this, can't blow up my marriage, gotta man up somehow" hurts intensely. 

I totally feel you, see you and relate.  I wish you the best of luck and look forward to reading about your progress. 

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #2 on: August 30, 2021, 12:49:47 pm »
@SoBrooke
Dear Brooke:
As the previous reply comment authored by  @JamieH   mentioned, "Getting your thoughts out in writing helps a lot.  A blog thread is a good way to keep all your stuff in one place."

Further to that thought you may have noticed that I have now moved your topic and thread here to Member Blogs.
The Link to your topic and post are unchanged so it is still easily found and read.

More about personal blogs and journals:

I also keep a journal/blog (Links at the end of any comment that I post) that I can talk about all the details of my life that don't always necessarily fit into the normal more specific sub-forums.

It is a great tool to document your life journey and to make note of benchmark moments that are important to you and that you feel free to post.

Everyone here on the Forums that is transitioning or has transitioned fully understands what you are going through and can identify with many of the things that you may wish to share.   

In addition to your Susan's Place Forums blog-thread I would also recommend that you keep a personal (at home) journal that is for your eyes only.   I personally keep an old-school pen and paper journal complete with colorful doodling, scribbling, snapshot photos, etc.   
These kinds of things are good therapy and can be an excellent way to write down your successes and to vent your frustrations and disappointments.  So many times when I am going through my own difficulties, just the action of writing about it can help me to process my thoughts and often it helps me to formulate positive solutions.    It also makes for some good personal reading and review on a rainy or cold night while sitting in a comfortable chair in front of the fireplace....  sometimes with tears in my eyes.

When you share trials and tribulations you will find that the members here will lend you their ears to listen and their shoulder to lean on.....    and when you post about your successes and good times we will rejoice with you ... we are your biggest fans and will always be rooting for your happiness and success.

Reading what you have said in your first several postings since you very recently joined yesterday, I trust that you can keep a positive outlook as you continue in your transition journey.  To help with that you may wish to visit the following thread:
            Positive Mindset... put away negativity
        https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,238255.0.html

Remember this... Negative Thoughts will many times produce Negative Results.
 
As other members have mentioned in other threads regarding seeing a therapist... I am glad to read that you started seeing a Gender Therapist.... Your doctor should be able to provide some more suggestions and names of those that can further help you to navigate the transition journey ahead for you.

Again, thank you for starting this thread.   I will be eagerly following your journey and updates as you feel comfortable posting them here and around the various threads on the Forums.

Wishing you well,
HUGS and more HUGS,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline TXSara

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #3 on: August 30, 2021, 01:42:16 pm »
The years of feelings, hiding, pretending, and whatever came gushing out.  I just sat on my bed and cried. 

I think most of us here can point to a similar "eureka" moment.  Mine came over the Christmas holidays in 2019.

So here I am, I have come out to my supportive wife and daughter.  My wife actually was the first to vocalize that she thought I was transgender.  My daughter is super supportive as well. 

That is wonderful news.  I feel very lucky that my wife and kids are "mostly" supportive.  My wife finds herself on the roller coaster frequently.  She'll be extremely supportive one week, then really struggle with it the next.  I don't fault her one bit -- this is really hard on her.  The kids seem to have no problems at all.  It's just a different world today than it was when I was growing up!  If you have a supportive wife and daughter, you're already well ahead of the curve.

It seems like my gender dysphoria is now ten time worse since I am acknowledging my true self.

Yep.  That's how it works.  I have been on the "slow" ride for the last 1.5+ years because I want to make sure I don't push too hard with the wife.  I handle my dysphoria by making sure I'm always moving forward -- even if it's just a little.  For instance, I have worked really hard at getting down to my desired weight.  I have also worked to get rid of body and facial hair.  Those are sort of "long lead" items that you can work on and make yourself feel like you're making progress without pushing the limits too much at once. 

I am now shaving my chest and legs to help with the dysphoria as well as wearing gender confirming clothing whenever possible. 

Yep, that first time shaving my body was great -- it's a real pain to keep up with, though.  That's why I eventually lasered it all off (plus electrolysis on my face).  If you're going for HRT quickly, you may find that the hormones slow down the body hair without having to do laser hair removal.  For me, I wanted to make sure the wife was completely on board before pushing HRT on her -- doing the hair removal thing really helped with my dysphoria without crossing that threshold.

Good luck!  It looks like you, Jamie, and I will be going for the ride at the same time!

~Sara

Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #4 on: August 30, 2021, 02:55:55 pm »
Thanks you all for your thoughtful responses!  Just knowing we are not alone is a huge help. 

Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #5 on: August 30, 2021, 02:58:43 pm »
I think most of us here can point to a similar "eureka" moment.  Mine came over the Christmas holidays in 2019.

That is wonderful news.  I feel very lucky that my wife and kids are "mostly" supportive.  My wife finds herself on the roller coaster frequently.  She'll be extremely supportive one week, then really struggle with it the next.  I don't fault her one bit -- this is really hard on her.  The kids seem to have no problems at all.  It's just a different world today than it was when I was growing up!  If you have a supportive wife and daughter, you're already well ahead of the curve.

Yep.  That's how it works.  I have been on the "slow" ride for the last 1.5+ years because I want to make sure I don't push too hard with the wife.  I handle my dysphoria by making sure I'm always moving forward -- even if it's just a little.  For instance, I have worked really hard at getting down to my desired weight.  I have also worked to get rid of body and facial hair.  Those are sort of "long lead" items that you can work on and make yourself feel like you're making progress without pushing the limits too much at once. 

Yep, that first time shaving my body was great -- it's a real pain to keep up with, though.  That's why I eventually lasered it all off (plus electrolysis on my face).  If you're going for HRT quickly, you may find that the hormones slow down the body hair without having to do laser hair removal.  For me, I wanted to make sure the wife was completely on board before pushing HRT on her -- doing the hair removal thing really helped with my dysphoria without crossing that threshold.

Good luck!  It looks like you, Jamie, and I will be going for the ride at the same time!

~Sara

My wife is probably more in the "mostly" supportive column as well.  But that is still a blessing. 

Offline JamieH

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #6 on: August 30, 2021, 03:10:44 pm »
My wife is probably more in the "mostly" supportive column as well.  But that is still a blessing.

I can only hope my wife is the same.  I suspect she will be but who knows what that ultimately means for the marriage. 

My wife is also Polynesian and their culture has some fairly extreme gender norms and taboos.  I expect a big challenge there especially with her family, even if she's initially supportive. 

I'm glad you're feeling like you're in a good place mentally.  And yes, just knowing we're not along is HUGE!

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #7 on: September 01, 2021, 03:35:30 pm »
The first time wearing my forms with a pretty bra was like opening up the flood gates.  The years of feelings, hiding, pretending, and whatever came gushing out.  I just sat on my bed and cried. 

That moment of self-realization is so powerful- for me it was when I put on one of my late wife's wigs,  and began this new chapter in my life.

So ladies, here is my question..  It seems like my gender dysphoria is now ten time worse since I am acknowledging my true self.  I think the dysphoria has always been there I am just now allowing myself to quit denying it.  Did you have a similar experience? 

Thinking back to my life BC (Before Caela) I looked in the mirror and often felt that this isn't me .    Now in my AD life (After Discovery) I have to say that I look in the mirror and often say this is me.  The disconnection is still there- I can hardly recognize the person in all the old pictures, and anything that makes me feel less like the new me triggers that sense of dysphoria for me.

I guess that is enough rambling for one post but I would love to hear how you eased your dysphoria. 

A big one for me was dealing with hair.... a need for less in some places, and more in others!  Shaving is a constant maintenance thing, and up top I became comfortable in wigs and head covers.   

I also got my ears pierced- don't discount getting piercings just because you may have to express yourself as male to the outside world.... we live in a part of the country where male earrings are fairly normal.  I love my piercings, and it's definitely affirming to have a pair of sparkling studs on no matter what. 

Listen to yourself.... Learn the things that trigger you the most, and let that be your guide- and don't be surprised at things that you try that open more doors for you.

Hugs!!

Caela


My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #8 on: September 09, 2021, 04:50:29 pm »
Wow, what a week!  Met with my trans care doctor, started HRT, ordered a wig (crossing fingers...), and got a pedi with the wife.  I suppose I did a tad more than tip-toeing!   ;)

Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #9 on: September 12, 2021, 10:43:59 am »
Hello Everyone,

It's now been almost 2 full months since I have accepted that I am a transgender woman.  Sure deep down I have always known but I did a good job of repressing reality. 

Some things I have seen so far.  Since acknowledging that I am a woman my dysphoria got kicked into overdrive.  Seriously, I thought it was rough before but now it is over the top and nearly constant. 

But... now that I have accepted reality I am not afraid to ask for help.  I am now under the care a great doctor and I have started HRT. 

Maybe a placebo effect (which I am fine with) but the act of taking a T blocker and Estradiol has been very affirming and has helped the dysphoria.  I know I am not likely seeing actual effects yet but I am way more at peace.  I am also taking other steps such as removal of body hair.  I am a ginger so I don't have dark hair.  That said, trimming my arm hair has been very affirming.  I am also discovering my feminine features such as my thin arms with small hands and long fingers.  I am happy with my neck as I do not have an Adam's apple.  Legs match my arms which is nice.  Shoulders are something I will not discuss.. 

My checking account has taken a hit.  For years I only purchased panties and the occasional cami for fear that anything more meant a full on acknowledgement of just how deep the rabbit hole went.  Well those days are way behind me, I openly accept that I want to be a woman rather than just feel like a woman.  To that end, I recently ordered my first heels and a dress!  I am looking at makeup tips for trans women.  I now have a Pinterest account to for pretty dresses and makeup.  OMG, I have discovered how much I love pleated skirts! 

I am much much much much more at peace.  My wife has even noticed how I am way more loving, way less reactive and we are connecting better than we have for years.  I guess the years of dysphoria and denial really took their toll.  I really think coming out as transgender has probably saved my marriage. 

I guess that is enough rambling for today. 


Have a great day ladies,
Brooke Renee


Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #10 on: September 12, 2021, 10:53:24 am »
That moment of self-realization is so powerful- for me it was when I put on one of my late wife's wigs,  and began this new chapter in my life.

Thinking back to my life BC (Before Caela) I looked in the mirror and often felt that this isn't me .    Now in my AD life (After Discovery) I have to say that I look in the mirror and often say this is me.  The disconnection is still there- I can hardly recognize the person in all the old pictures, and anything that makes me feel less like the new me triggers that sense of dysphoria for me.

A big one for me was dealing with hair.... a need for less in some places, and more in others!  Shaving is a constant maintenance thing, and up top I became comfortable in wigs and head covers.   

I also got my ears pierced- don't discount getting piercings just because you may have to express yourself as male to the outside world.... we live in a part of the country where male earrings are fairly normal.  I love my piercings, and it's definitely affirming to have a pair of sparkling studs on no matter what. 

Listen to yourself.... Learn the things that trigger you the most, and let that be your guide- and don't be surprised at things that you try that open more doors for you.

Hugs!!

Caela

Hi Caela,

Sorry for the late reply and thank you for your response.  I love the spelling of your name BTW..  You area so right about listening to yourself and finding things to try.  I recently opened a Pinterest account which has been very calming.  I am also getting into women's skin care products and developing my own self care routine.  This has been very nice.   

Cheers,
Brooke Renee

Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #11 on: September 12, 2021, 05:26:51 pm »
I am PURGING!!!!   For a really go reason...

We are strange and curious creatures, for years the only way I allowed myself to express my femininity was by purchasing panties and the occasional cami.  And ladies, I made some purchases...  It's crazy!  There's no way I could ever need all of these!  I'm not going to fault myself, it was my way of survival, but this collection has got to go.  I have sorted out the good from the "what was I thinking" and my save pile is now acceptable.  Still impressive but not in a clinical panty hoarder sort of way. 

Drowning in lingerie,
Brooke Renee

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #12 on: September 12, 2021, 05:39:48 pm »
@SoBrooke
Dear Brooke Renee:
I think there are a lot of us transitioners here that have ended up with excesses that we needed to thin out...

... for myself, early in my "journey" before I went Full Time I went overboard in purchasing all kinds
of clothing that was not very practical.  I had purged a few times, getting rid of clothing and keeping
the good stuff that fit and looks right on my body.
 
All of my male clothing is long gone so I have what I now need to look acceptable in my private and business life.
I really do enjoy clothes shopping now and have a very good idea of what I really want.

I considered it all a learning curve while figuring out sizes, styles and the intricacies of women's clothing.

Thank you for sharing and posting.
HUGS,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #13 on: September 12, 2021, 06:00:07 pm »
@SoBrooke
Dear Brooke Renee:
I think there are a lot of us transitioners here that have ended up with excesses that we needed to thin out...

... for myself, early in my "journey" before I went Full Time I went overboard in purchasing all kinds
of clothing that was not very practical.  I had purged a few times, getting rid of clothing and keeping
the good stuff that fit and looks right on my body.
 
All of my male clothing is long gone so I have what I now need to look acceptable in my private and business life.
I really do enjoy clothes shopping now and have a very good idea of what I really want.

I considered it all a learning curve while figuring out sizes, styles and the intricacies of women's clothing.

Thank you for sharing and posting.
HUGS,
Danielle


Thanks Danielle, it so nice to talk with other ladies that have had similar experiences! 

BTW, I haven't been to Anchorage for a while and I am really hungry for some Moose's Tooth pizza.   

Cheers,
Brooke

Online Jessica_Rose

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #14 on: September 12, 2021, 06:33:48 pm »
I bought women's clothes for decades. Initially just lingerie, but eventually jeans, tops, dresses, everything. It made me feel sane. I would buy it, try it on, then pack the clothes up -- I could never take the chance of being caught wearing them. Oddly, my wife never questioned the contents of those boxes whenever we moved. Most of my life I wore women's size 16 - 18. When I finally came out and introduced Jessica to the world, I was down to a size 8 - 10! Eventually I gathered up the clothes I had been collecting for years and took them to my electrologist. Many of her clients were transgender, and she gave everything away to those who needed it most.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

This photo was taken after I had given away about half of my 'collection', I estimated this pile of boxes to be around 40cu ft:

Online Maid Marion

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #15 on: September 12, 2021, 07:20:15 pm »
Hi Jessica_Rose,

Great to hear that you were able to donate those clothes to those who needed them!
It can be hard to find nice clothes in that size.

Marion

Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #16 on: September 12, 2021, 10:03:22 pm »
I bought women's clothes for decades. Initially just lingerie, but eventually jeans, tops, dresses, everything. It made me feel sane. I would buy it, try it on, then pack the clothes up -- I could never take the chance of being caught wearing them. Oddly, my wife never questioned the contents of those boxes whenever we moved. Most of my life I wore women's size 16 - 18. When I finally came out and introduced Jessica to the world, I was down to a size 8 - 10! Eventually I gathered up the clothes I had been collecting for years and took them to my electrologist. Many of her clients were transgender, and she gave everything away to those who needed it most.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

This photo was taken after I had given away about half of my 'collection', I estimated this pile of boxes to be around 40cu ft:


What an awesome outcome, I am sure you made a lot of ladies very happy!  And congrats on dropping a few sizes too!

Offline Pammie

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #17 on: September 13, 2021, 06:29:28 am »
I bought women's clothes for decades. Initially just lingerie, but eventually jeans, tops, dresses, everything. It made me feel sane. I would buy it, try it on, then pack the clothes up -- I could never take the chance of being caught wearing them. Oddly, my wife never questioned the contents of those boxes whenever we moved. Most of my life I wore women's size 16 - 18. When I finally came out and introduced Jessica to the world, I was down to a size 8 - 10! Eventually I gathered up the clothes I had been collecting for years and took them to my electrologist. Many of her clients were transgender, and she gave everything away to those who needed it most.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

This photo was taken after I had given away about half of my 'collection', I estimated this pile of boxes to be around 40cu ft:

Oh my Jessica! That is a serious amount of clothes - Gender Dysphoria has so much to answer for!
I love what you have done with them !


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #18 on: September 14, 2021, 09:38:01 pm »
Whew!  What a whirlwind past five days!   

My wife and I ordered wigs together last week, she help me pick out a cut and color.  I helped her as well.  Poor thing has PCOS so she has thinning hair and it has reached a point where she has become self conscious. 

I have been nervously awaiting their arrival.  My wife is excited.  I kept thinking "what if I look ridiculous?".  But I did my homework and looked at hairstyles for ladies in their 50s and settled on a short pixie style cut.  I learned that I should get a rooted wig so it will look more natural and that I should get a color within two shades of my current hair.  I invested in a quality product but I was still nervous. 

The box arrived today, I took it and made a bee line to the bedroom.  Ladies, I love it!! It fits perfect and it really looks great, very natural.  I honestly think with some makeup I might actually look pretty.  I am so relieved. 


Offline davina61

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #19 on: September 15, 2021, 02:24:29 am »
My wig makes all the difference, everyone says the colour and cut suit me. Have had to dye my own hair as its grey and shows as I have grown it out .
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever.
I get pushed out of shape and its hard to steer when I get rubber in all 4 gears (Beach Boys ,little deuce coupe)

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