Author Topic: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward  (Read 8138 times)

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Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #140 on: May 10, 2022, 08:41:45 am »

Once I got past the shame and started thinking about this as a rare "birth defect" that I need to deal with, these fears went away and with them the cycles of dysphoria and feelings of being alone.  It's weird.  It's almost like one day the light bulb went on, and I just didn't give a <poo> anymore.


~Sara

Yes! 

Sara, I really think this the place that I am finally getting to. 

It's scary but also liberating at the same time.   

Thank you,

Brooke

Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #141 on: May 19, 2022, 10:29:45 am »
Hello,

Just taking a moment to jot down some thoughts, perhaps ramble a bit.  My low dose of HRT seems to be doing some mental magic or it's totally a placebo, either way is good so long as I am more at peace. 

But... and there is always a but isn't there?   But...  I can see that the more I allow myself to be myself the more painful it is to pretend I am something I am not.  It has become very distressing when I have to remove my bra and forms and  my hair and feminine clothing to pretend to be a man.  The change is so stark.  I have to say, I present very well as a woman.  Am I passing?  Not yet, but I am close.  So close that when dressed appropriately I do not mind mirrors at all.  In fact, seeing myself as my true self is incredibly centering and affirming.  Presenting as Brooke is not a fetish and it is not arousing.  Instead, these are the moments where I actually feel normal.  But when I have to change back it is like shaving my head and giving myself a mastectomy.  The crash sucks. 

So I have to look on the bright side.  My wife is reasonably accepting, my presentation is actually pretty good, and I can have plenty of moments to be me.  Is it full time?  No, not yet.  Would I like to have GCS?  YES!  But that is not going to happen anytime soon.  Now is the time to count my blessings and be grateful for what I have. 

Trying to be more positive.   

Kindest Regards,

Brooke Renee


Offline Iztaccihuatl

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #142 on: May 19, 2022, 11:56:39 pm »
It has become very distressing when I have to remove my bra and forms and  my hair and feminine clothing to pretend to be a man.  The change is so stark.  I have to say, I present very well as a woman.  Am I passing?  Not yet, but I am close.  So close that when dressed appropriately I do not mind mirrors at all.  In fact, seeing myself as my true self is incredibly centering and affirming.  Presenting as Brooke is not a fetish and it is not arousing.  Instead, these are the moments where I actually feel normal.  But when I have to change back it is like shaving my head and giving myself a mastectomy.  The crash sucks. 

This sounds soooooo familiar! This winter my wife spent a few weeks with our daughters and I had the entire house to myself. Since I work from home there wasn't any need to go out for days and I went pretty much 24 hours per day as myself. However, every couple of days I had to go grocery shopping and switching back into male mode was terrible and I really hated it.

And, as you said, it all felt totally normal. Just looking down on my desk and seeing my (unfortunately fake) boobs was so affirming!

Hugs,

Heidemarie

Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #143 on: May 20, 2022, 12:12:42 am »
This sounds soooooo familiar! This winter my wife spent a few weeks with our daughters and I had the entire house to myself. Since I work from home there wasn't any need to go out for days and I went pretty much 24 hours per day as myself. However, every couple of days I had to go grocery shopping and switching back into male mode was terrible and I really hated it.

And, as you said, it all felt totally normal. Just looking down on my desk and seeing my (unfortunately fake) boobs was so affirming!

Hugs,

Heidemarie

Hello Heide,

Thank you for your response, it means a lot to know we are not alone in this crazy life we have. 

Have great weekend,

Brooke


Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #144 on: May 25, 2022, 08:47:00 pm »
Had an emotional day at work. 

I was in a meeting with some of the other upper level managers when one them brought up that one of their employee's family member recently came out as transgender.  They were all joking around and referring to the person as an "it".  I looked down and realized my fists were so clinched they were going numb.

Obviously I am not out at work but I now know where I would stand if I ever took that next step. 


I am breathing...

Brooke

Offline Nora Kay

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #145 on: May 25, 2022, 08:53:56 pm »
Had an emotional day at work. 

I was in a meeting with some of the other upper level managers when one them brought up that one of their employee's family member recently came out as transgender.  They were all joking around and referring to the person as an "it".  I looked down and realized my fists were so clinched they were going numb.

Obviously I am not out at work but I now know where I would stand if I ever took that next step. 


I am breathing...

Brooke
Sorry but that is a hostile workplace. And last time that happened in front of me, I was not out to anybody and I went a little ballistic. They had no clue where it came from.

But anyway that is a hostile workplace and what ever makes you uncomfortable can be reported. It is not what someone personally thinks. It’s what policy is or maybe what state it’s in and it’s laws. If/when you do come out it might be smart to know all laws/policies pertaining to it.

Now that I have come to terms with a lot. I would have said something. I hate bullies. And ignorance is another thing I don’t like. Not cool. Not cool at all.


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Today's Thoughts by Nora Kay


You can roll the boulder up the hill only so many times before you realize that, no matter how hard you push and how hard you pray, that the boulder’s going to roll back down the hill again.

I am too old to worry about who likes me and who dislikes me. I have more important things to do. If you love me, 💕 I love you. 😘  If you support me, I support you. If you hate me, I don’t care. Life goes on with or without you. 😎

Give us courage to change what we can, serenity to accept what cannot be changed, and the wisdom to know the one from the other. 🙏

Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #146 on: May 25, 2022, 10:34:10 pm »
Had an emotional day at work. 

I was in a meeting with some of the other upper level managers when one them brought up that one of their employee's family member recently came out as transgender.  They were all joking around and referring to the person as an "it".  I looked down and realized my fists were so clinched they were going numb.

Obviously I am not out at work but I now know where I would stand if I ever took that next step. 


I am breathing...

Brooke
@Brooke Renee


Ugh!  That is an unfortunate reception.  Being called “it” is sad and pitiful.  Such closed mindedness.  Yikes.

I might be tempted to give a half of the “peace sign” with one hand to whoever said “it”, although I doubt I would as I cringe in disgust hearing that.  Sorry they think that way and sorry you had to hear that.

Hugs,


Chrissy
Be a good example of good behavior.  Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that you speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.  Serve others.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

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Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #147 on: May 26, 2022, 07:12:23 am »
Sorry but that is a hostile workplace. And last time that happened in front of me, I was not out to anybody and I went a little ballistic. They had no clue where it came from.

But anyway that is a hostile workplace and what ever makes you uncomfortable can be reported. It is not what someone personally thinks. It’s what policy is or maybe what state it’s in and it’s laws. If/when you do come out it might be smart to know all laws/policies pertaining to it.

Now that I have come to terms with a lot. I would have said something. I hate bullies. And ignorance is another thing I don’t like. Not cool. Not cool at all.


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Hi Nora,

Thank for your reply.  It definitely took me by surprise considering a couple things, we live in a very progressive area (Seattle) and second, we work very close with the office of civil rights in addressing discrimination issues based on several factors, some being sexual orientation and gender identity.

The knife to the chest was the lady (I now use that term loosely)that was doing most of the talking "was" a person that I thought I might, just might, be able to come out to.  That notion has now crashed and burned.  I guess in a way I am grateful for the outburst.  As uncomfortable as it was, it certainly saved me from making an even more uncomfortable mistake later. 

We are peer managers and I am trying to decide what I will do next regarding a formal complaint or pulling her aside and trying to educate her in a kind manner.  Right now I am still too emotional to make a decision.   


Brooke

Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #148 on: May 26, 2022, 07:16:59 am »
@Brooke Renee


Ugh!  That is an unfortunate reception.  Being called “it” is sad and pitiful.  Such closed mindedness.  Yikes.

I might be tempted to give a half of the “peace sign” with one hand to whoever said “it”, although I doubt I would as I cringe in disgust hearing that.  Sorry they think that way and sorry you had to hear that.

Hugs,


Chrissy

Thank you Chrissy, it was an ugly end to an already difficult day.  But I managed to keep it together and not add to the ugliness of the moment. 


Offline JamieH

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #149 on: May 26, 2022, 10:49:55 am »
Had an emotional day at work. 

I was in a meeting with some of the other upper level managers when one them brought up that one of their employee's family member recently came out as transgender.  They were all joking around and referring to the person as an "it".  I looked down and realized my fists were so clinched they were going numb.

Obviously I am not out at work but I now know where I would stand if I ever took that next step. 


I am breathing...

Brooke


That's gross.  Going to HR probably wouldn't even help as the HR dept is reallly all about the company's own CYA, not employee wellbeing.  So you're left to sit there and grin and bear it working in a hostile environment, or report it and gamble on retaliation or being ostracized. 

I was talking to one of our Gen Z/borderline Millennial junior analysts at lunch and we started talking about the show Billions, since we work at a hedge fund.  We got talking about which characters we like or don't and the consensus was we weren't really a fan of Taylor the non-binary person, not bc of their gender but just bc they are so robotic....anyway he comes out with "yeah lol "they", "it"...all these stupid "they" snowflakes...so ridiculous""......

I was shocked because our firm goes way above and beyond in terms of Diversity and Inclusion and given his age I thought he'd be a little more evolved than that. 

I guess I know who will be talking /ish about me behind my back once I come out.

Offline Iztaccihuatl

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #150 on: May 26, 2022, 04:28:25 pm »
Hi Brooke,

I know, hindsight is always 20/20, but what you could do is position yourself as a champion of DEI (Diversity, Equity & Inclusion). I assume your workplace has policies in place that promote diversity, equity and inclusion. If this is the case you can approach some of the members of that meeting and let them know you are a big supporter of DEI and from a DEI perspective that behavior was not ok. That way you can let them know of your disapproval without having to out yourself.

Hugs,

Heidemarie

Offline Courtney G

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #151 on: May 29, 2022, 08:18:50 pm »
Sorry, Brooke. This kind of narrow-minded ignorance is all around me. It's worst with people you've know for many years, as they tend to hold little back. I swear, I really want to move to a new place where no one knows me. At least that way, most won't feel comfortable spewing that kind of stuff to me.

We're all just passing through this life. We have to try to remember that these people aren't really a permanent part of yours. I hope you find the strength to just think beyond people who don't have the ability to be better humans.

Offline Jessica_Rose

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #152 on: May 29, 2022, 08:40:06 pm »
Had an emotional day at work. 

I was in a meeting with some of the other upper level managers when one them brought up that one of their employee's family member recently came out as transgender.  They were all joking around and referring to the person as an "it".  I looked down and realized my fists were so clinched they were going numb.

Obviously I am not out at work but I now know where I would stand if I ever took that next step. 


I am breathing...

Brooke

I would have responded to this sooner, but I've been out since Monday afternoon...

I would have definitely spoken up about an incident like this, potentially even taking it to HR. Without 'breaking cover', I would have said that I know several people who are transgender, and comments like those are rude, hurtful, and show a complete lack of empathy. People like that cannot be given a free pass. The only way the situation will improve is if we try to help educate them.

It's understandable to remain quiet, especially the first time something like this happens. Try to prepare yourself for the next time, because it will happen again.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #153 on: May 30, 2022, 08:40:25 am »
Sorry, Brooke. This kind of narrow-minded ignorance is all around me. It's worst with people you've know for many years, as they tend to hold little back. I swear, I really want to move to a new place where no one knows me. At least that way, most won't feel comfortable spewing that kind of stuff to me.

We're all just passing through this life. We have to try to remember that these people aren't really a permanent part of yours. I hope you find the strength to just think beyond people who don't have the ability to be better humans.

Hi Courtney,

Thank you for your words and I hope you are doing well.  I totally agree, moving to a new place where no one knows us would solve a lot of issues!  I have spent an unusual amount of time looking at Victoria BC lately!  It's not too far from where I live but just far enough. 


Brooke

Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #154 on: May 30, 2022, 08:41:01 am »
I would have responded to this sooner, but I've been out since Monday afternoon...

I would have definitely spoken up about an incident like this, potentially even taking it to HR. Without 'breaking cover', I would have said that I know several people who are transgender, and comments like those are rude, hurtful, and show a complete lack of empathy. People like that cannot be given a free pass. The only way the situation will improve is if we try to help educate them.

It's understandable to remain quiet, especially the first time something like this happens. Try to prepare yourself for the next time, because it will happen again.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Hi Jess, PM sent. 

Offline TXSara

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #155 on: May 30, 2022, 10:52:38 am »
I was in a meeting with some of the other upper level managers when one them brought up that one of their employee's family member recently came out as transgender.  They were all joking around and referring to the person as an "it".  I looked down and realized my fists were so clinched they were going numb.

Keep breathing, Brooke.  It'll be OK.  When the day comes that you tell people about your transgender status (assuming that happens), all of these people will be feeling pretty small.

Here's the way I look at stuff like this.  Bear with me...

There was an old Candid Camera bit from the 70's that I think really explains people a lot.  The setup was a hidden camera inside an elevator, and two people who were in on the joke.  As the two jokesters got into the elevator, they stood facing one of the side walls rather than the front.  Almost without fail, people would get onto the elevator and face the same way.  It was a riot, and it provides a lot of insight into how people behave around others.  We are herd animals.

The chances are pretty good that many of the people in this conversation felt dirty after having it.  The chances are not even that bad that the initiator of the "it" comments is not a completely lost cause.  I think of stuff like that as "locker room" talk where (men mostly) like to behave in ways that are not completely natural because they believe that it is expected and "cool".

I'm not saying that any of this is OK.  I'm not even saying that you should make an effort with any of these people.  I'm just saying that we happen to be one of the last minority groups where it is considered "cool" to say mean things about.  That puts us in the crosshairs of many a "locker room" discussion.  If anyone does / says anything negative about <pick a minority group>, they know they are taking a big risk of getting a negative response.  It is not that way YET with transgender folks. 

Personally, I don't think "telling Mom (HR)" is the way to address it, but that's just me.  I'd much rather just be a person that others want to stick up for.  Once people stop thinking that a person "being a jerk to transgender people" and rather that person is "being a jerk to my friend Sara," I'll know that I am making progress.

I'm probably really naive.  Five years from now, I may look back on my beliefs and think, "What a fool.  She really thought should could make a difference by being nice to people."  We'll see, I guess.

~Sara

Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #156 on: June 02, 2022, 09:08:28 am »
Keep breathing, Brooke.  It'll be OK.  When the day comes that you tell people about your transgender status (assuming that happens), all of these people will be feeling pretty small.

Here's the way I look at stuff like this.  Bear with me...

There was an old Candid Camera bit from the 70's that I think really explains people a lot.  The setup was a hidden camera inside an elevator, and two people who were in on the joke.  As the two jokesters got into the elevator, they stood facing one of the side walls rather than the front.  Almost without fail, people would get onto the elevator and face the same way.  It was a riot, and it provides a lot of insight into how people behave around others.  We are herd animals.

The chances are pretty good that many of the people in this conversation felt dirty after having it.  The chances are not even that bad that the initiator of the "it" comments is not a completely lost cause.  I think of stuff like that as "locker room" talk where (men mostly) like to behave in ways that are not completely natural because they believe that it is expected and "cool".

I'm not saying that any of this is OK.  I'm not even saying that you should make an effort with any of these people.  I'm just saying that we happen to be one of the last minority groups where it is considered "cool" to say mean things about.  That puts us in the crosshairs of many a "locker room" discussion.  If anyone does / says anything negative about <pick a minority group>, they know they are taking a big risk of getting a negative response.  It is not that way YET with transgender folks. 

Personally, I don't think "telling Mom (HR)" is the way to address it, but that's just me.  I'd much rather just be a person that others want to stick up for.  Once people stop thinking that a person "being a jerk to transgender people" and rather that person is "being a jerk to my friend Sara," I'll know that I am making progress.

I'm probably really naive.  Five years from now, I may look back on my beliefs and think, "What a fool.  She really thought should could make a difference by being nice to people."  We'll see, I guess.

~Sara

Hi Sara,

Sorry for the late reply, I hope you are well.

As with all workplaces, we seem to careen from one drama filled dumpster fire to the next!  But...  If this person makes a similar remark again I will probably try to have a productive conversation.  Everyone pretty much knows that I have a family member that is a part of the LGBTQ+ community and that I am an energetic supporter. 

In other news, I have to travel back east this summer.  Please send me good weather vibes, hot weather or severe storms would be a shock to this Seattle girl. 

Brooke

Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #157 on: June 05, 2022, 10:43:19 am »
Today's post has nothing to do with trans issues, it's all about my crummy weather! 

I live in Seattle so my standards for acceptable weather are already SUPER LOW!  But holy smokes, this year is nuts! 

In the mountains we usually quit counting snow accumulations on the first of April because the rate of melt way exceeds the amount that falls in the late season.  As of two days ago there was still 150 inches of snow at Chinook pass. 

Here on the coast, the joke is the rain stops on the 5th of July.  This year we wonder if summer will even happen. 

Upside is we should have fewer forest fires this year. 

I guess I am done ranting now.  I am going to put on my Gore-Tex bra, grab a snorkel and go trail running. 


Brooke "I now have webbed feet" Renee


Online EllenW

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #158 on: June 06, 2022, 10:34:45 am »

In the mountains we usually quit counting snow accumulations on the first of April because the rate of melt way exceeds the amount that falls in the late season.  As of two days ago there was still 150 inches of snow at Chinook pass. 


Brooke,

Please send that snow down to Southern California. We need it

Ellen
Known all my life I was different
Started to live part time as my true self in 2010
HRT January 2018
Full time at work February 2018
Legal name and gender change January 2019
GCS - January 2021
BA - November 2021
Blog - https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,255685.msg2442139.html#msg2442139

Offline Brooke Renee

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Re: Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward
« Reply #159 on: July 04, 2022, 09:02:30 am »
Hello all, it has been a while since I have posted, some updates..

I have not made any major transition decisions but recent events have me thinking more and more.  About three weeks ago I received word that a dear friend from college passed away.  We were very close for years but as often happens, life sent us in different directions geographically.  A few days after I got the news of his passing I got some disturbing details, he had taken his own life.  I still do not know how to process this, I really don't.  To put it mildly, this has shaken me to the core.  I have tried to post about this several times but the emotions were just too much.  I am not sure what else to say except take care of yourselves and each other.  I will try to have something more cheerful to talk about next time.

BR


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