Community Conversation > Transitioning

Confused and need advice, I guess

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Sorry for the rambling. I'm male, 56, currently identifying as gay but really bisexual, I guess. Do these labels even matter, anymore? So, my problem is that I've spent my life wondering what it would be like to be a woman. I don't hate my body but I think I'd be a lot happier as a woman. But I'm a big guy, 6'2" 260 and I definitely present as masculine.

But I don't want to be that way. I want to be feminine. I want to wear pretty clothes, makeup, I want breasts and honestly I don't care if my penis works properly (I'm a submissive bottom, fwiw). I don't want or need to be passable in public, I think at my age that's probably not possible. I'd be content to be myself, privately, or within supportive relationships with men. I'm not interested in bottom surgery, although an orchiectomy is something I'd consider.

I would do this, I almost did, last night, I have access to accredited health care with regular lab tests and I can afford it. I chickened out today and cancelled everything for two reasons.

First, I have a beer gut. My ideal weight is around 180, do the math. Can I lose it? Probably, but I understand that weight gain is one side effect of MTF hormone therapy. And tbh, I don't feel good about my body now because of it and I know I will not feel pretty, feminized, with a big old beer gut.

The other reason has more to do with the social stigma of men having breasts. Gynecomastia is a thing, yes, and because of my weight I already have a pretty decent B-cup. But it's embarrassing presenting as a male, yet having breasts. I love them, I want them to be bigger but I'm afraid of other people's reactions, you know? My nipples already are so prominent that I have to wear pasties every day because I'm embarrassed by them.

Honestly, I don't know what I'm asking, here. These are issues I'm struggling with that I'm not sure how to address. I know I'm eventually going to make the leap because I'm just not happy or comfortable with my body right now but I'm also afraid that the changes I will make will bring new problems. That fear led me to cancel today. I just want to work through the fear.

Maid Marion:
Yes, looking good as a women is a lot of work.  I know I get a lot of respect because I've learned how to dress well as women.  As well as maintain my size 2 figure.  It didn't happen overnight.  I did a lot of study.  I've been aware of my diet habits since I was ten.

Maybe it would help to see if you are up to doing something about your weight.  Learn some female fashion basics.


Size 2 won't happen for a large AMAB. Once we go through puberty, it's a tough one. It's one of the things that haunt me. I am 6'5 and thin for me is 210-215. At one time I was that LBM or lean body mass. Maybe I could get down to a size 14-16. I was down to that weight range before the pandemic, but have gained half back. I had lost 170lbs doing Keto thanks to @Deborah. So a week and a half ago I went back on the wagon. I couldn't stand myself any longer. I promised myself I would never go back and I did to some extent.

I'm not on HRT(hoping to get there) so I have no direct experience but losing fat is simple.  Maybe not "easy", but I lost a ton of weight on Keto and since gained most back (thx pandemic).  Getting back into it now.

male/female, testosterone/estrogen....doesn't change the simple immutable fact that if: calories in < calories out = weight loss.

I think it's true that men typically have an easier time losing weight than women because testosterone is a performance booster, but I think there's a good deal of mythology and ready made excuse making there too.  Perhaps having estrogen in the fuel tank rather than T makes your drive lower, it still doesn't change the basic calories in vs out equation.  Anyone, male or female can lose weight with willpower and discipline absent obvious glandular/metabolic disorders.

I guess what I'm saying is being overweight isn't a good primary reason for being unsure about taking E.  You could also get very disciplined BEFORE taking E, lose the weight and then start hormones.  That way I'd assume any weight gain you might have would at least land in your bum and hips and not your gut so much.  This is actually my approach.  I'm not yet quite mentally ready to do HRT and have a good deal of weight to lose myself.  Going to spend the next few months dropping my unhealthy weight, getting my mind in good order and THEN consider transitioning.

I read an article in The Times recently about a study of metabolism that kind of challenges what current thinking is. They found no difference between men and women taking into account weight and LBM. The difference is change in LBM. The more muscle one has the more calories are burned doing nothing. The key is being in calorie deficit with the calories consumed versus what is used with metabolism and activity. Keto can be effective because it forces people into starvation mode which shifts to fat for energy. One just has to keep the carbs very low for this to happen.


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