Community Conversation > Non-Transitioning and Detransitioning

I feel lost in my journey - regretful MTF - penis loss

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tesseract49:
Hi Everyone, this is my first post. Just to warn everyone that this might be triggering for some.

Okay I will just say it up front. I am an MTF who is detransitioning, although I am not at the medical stage yet due to financial issues.

I was an MTF back in 2016 and at the time, I really wanted to escape growing into a man. Strangely I liked being a boy, but not a man. I got into cross-dressing and it made feel like I had an escape for a while. I wasn't much good with women as a teenager. I was sexually interested but I was quite shy and wasn't good at socialising.

Eventually I got hormones. I then felt pressured into having SRS because it was costing too much for the antiandrogens, and I worried that I would never be accepted. I thought my wife would leave me, since she had met me while I was an MTF and she didn't understand why I would not want to have surgery. I also had intense curiosity about what it would be like with female genitals. I always thought there was something special about them.

Before surgery I used to enjoy fantasies about women touching my penis and having sex with them. This was pretty much the main thing that got me off. I decided to ignore it and not think about it because I thought it wouldn't good to have fantasies involving my male parts when they were going to be removed shortly. I instead, tried to convert my thoughts to be female, unsuccessfully.

About a week after surgery I had feelings of regret. I will never forget putting my hand on my crotch for the first time. It was really disturbing. I kept having dreams about having my old parts and feeling relieved, only to wake up and feel disappointed that it was only a dream. I assumed this was normal and didn't tell anyone, even my therapist. I couldn't face having lost a part of my anatomy that I was originally phobic about losing back in my teens, so it was only about three years ago that I began to face it and try to deal with it. I wish I had told people about this phobia in the past, I might have been stopped.

I haven't managed to find anyone else on the internet who regrets mainly due to physical reasons and not being able to accept the loss of the old parts. It seems the motivation behind detransition is often social.

I really don't want a physical relationship without my old parts. I feel like an amputee and I feel incomplete. I should have taken it as a bad omen when I filled a survey once about the surgery and answered that ‘I would be mortified’ when asked how would I feel about having a flat crotch.

To add to all this, my breasts started to grow quite a bit over the past two years. I am actually finding hard to pass as male sometimes because of this, which seems ridiculous. Seriously, you couldn't make this up. I feel like I am in some really messed up sitcom.

There isn't much that can be done for me because the surgery cannot truly be reversed. There is a surgeon in Serbia who claims to be able to rebuild the penis, but I just don't trust it. My parts have been butchered enough and some of the areas I liked have gone forever. These can't be restored by anyone.

The only option that I can think of is to have an entire penis grown in a laboratory, but this may be a long way off into future. I may not even live to see it. If I were rich, I would even fund the research for benefit fo other people like me and FTMs.

I guess the only way forward is to just accept it, which I am trying to do. It's complicated though because so much of what turns me on is related to my old parts. There isn't anything that interests me about my current anatomy and I get really frustrated than I can't hold it in my hand like I used to. Literally nothing prepared me for this.

In some ways I was really lucky. I went from a person who had only just started to cross-dress to fully post-op in just over two years. I literally rushed through it, because I thought I wouldn't be able to face being an adult man. I had no likelihood of affording seeing a therapist back then, and then I met my wife randomly, and she paid for the entire thing. You couldn't make it up, and yet, it has wounded me so much emotionally and sexually. On the plus side, I am so grateful that I still have some of the sensitive tissue, and I get mini erections, kind of. There are a lot of people who don’t even have that and I send love and compassion to them.

I sometimes think I did it to avoid growing up, and it wasn't a gender thing at all. I didn't want breasts or a vagina, but I wanted to keep my head hair and not have testosterone. So I can't help feeling that somehow I conned myself into doing the whole thing for the sake avoiding becoming a responsible adult.

I am sorry about this post, I don't really know where I am going with this, but I just felt like I had to tell someone. Please be kind.

My wife completely accepts me, and that alone makes me feel so grateful. She has been very helpful. There have been many tearful days but also days when I feel positive. I started meditating last year and I have become quite spiritual. When I feel the emotional pain, I just want to do help other people. It seems to be the only thing that helps me. I have even thoughts of becoming a monk, although this would not be practical at the moment. She will support me through whatever I do, but it hasn't been easy for her either as she feels really guilty, since she was the person that originally encourage me to do. I have forgiven her many times.

Anyway, It feels so good to get this off my chest. I don't why I am posting this, as there not much advice I can be given apart from what I have already said. I will see a therapist eventually when I can afford to.



Sending love and kindness to everyone on this forum.

Haley Conner:
Welcome.  No need to apologize.  Talking about trans issues, negative, positive, personal, medical or otherwise, is what this forum is about.  So maybe you rushed through it, and maybe that was a mistake.  Do what you can, and beyond that, try and be content with what you have, if there's nothing to be done about it.  I'm sort of in the opposite boat.  I being a poor candidate for transition, due to a rare syndrome I have which makes surgery and drugs a risky business for me.  And yet it's all I ever wanted.  So I make the best of it and try not to drown in regrets.  BTW, since you are a new member, you should post in the introductions section.

Northern Star Girl:
@tesseract49
Dear Tesseract49
    Please know that I am not trying to sidetrack your comments and I will give you and others back this thread right after I warmly welcome you to Susan's Place and the Forums.
   
    I am most pleased that you had decided to join to Susan's Place and the Forums.

    Thank you for writing your very first posting.... as you get more involved in exchanging comments on various posts other members will be offering their thoughts and comments in response to any of your future questions and concerns..

    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say regarding their own experiences.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.
 
    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    There is information and important LINKS that I have included below.   You will find information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 
Things that you should readSite Terms of Service & Rules to Live ByStandard Terms & DefinitionsPost Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)Cautionary NoteReputation rulesNews posting & quoting guidelinesPhoto, avatars, & signature images policyMembership Agreement

Northern Star Girl:
@tesseract49
Dear Tesseract49:

OH, another thing....  Please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to very briefly tell more members a little about yourself and to let them know of your arrival on the Forums!
 
With more exposure to more members here you will be able to get more responses to your questions and concerns.

Wishing your well as you continue to be involved in the forums.

NOTE: Now, after all of this Greeting and Welcoming stuff, I will give you and others the thread back so that the conversation can continue.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

tesseract49:
Hi Hayley. Thank you for your kind words, I will post one shortly. I am really sorry for you with your situation. I have heard of people with similar situations, inlcudig a person with Ehlers-Danlos. It must be tough. I might be having issues with regret of my going through the process, but I still understand how others need the treatment.

I guess one advantage of my predicament is that I have learned to feel compassion for people who feel physically wrong regardless which side they are. Sending lots of compassion.

I still think it's bizarre that all of my treatment came out of nowhere, handed to me on a plate. I feel a bit of survivor guilt sometimes, because I feel sad for others who couldn't get help, and yet here I was messed up by the help I got.

One conciliation my wife tells me, is that if I had been more honest about my feelings and intentions, I probably would never have got the treatment. I then would have been left with all sorts of unresolved questions and feelings. So I feel sometimes that I had to do it even though I suspected from the start that it might be wrong for me, because for as long as I had the fascination and desire, I couldn't move on.

I still wish for more advanced treatments in the future. It would be so good if bits that are missing could be replaced, or maybe new bits added on for people in need.

Thank for for your warm welcome northern star. I actually used to have an account here many years ago. I wish I had listened to some of the advice back then. I used to have an intersex friend on the internet who listened to my story and advised me to not rush into anything. How I wish I had listened. I must stop ruminating.

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