I want to possibly close this topic. I have come to the realisation after some time that it was actually the right thing for me to go through the procedure. While I wasn't very certain at the time, I would have done anything to get it, as was demonstrated by my behaviour when I felt held up.
The irony is that for me, the physical body was the main thing I wanted to gain from my transition, it was far more important to me than just having the right use change my name, presentation etc.
I think that I was partly suffering from survivor guilt as a kind stranger had paid for me to do it which literally came out of nowhere, and also I felt it hard to adjust to the difference afterwards. I didn't have an easy recovery and this probably contributed too. It was true though that I felt the heaviest of weights lifted when I woke up after the procedure.
I want to make it known that I am not regretful anymore and that I actually really like my new body. I feel so stupid to have gone through such a rough patch and worse still, to have wasted people's time.
I guess the lesson from this is that life isn't perfect and even when you find the right treatments for a problem, the result is still not perfect.
Thank you so much for being there for me.
