Author Topic: I feel lost in my journey - regretful MTF - penis loss  (Read 523 times)

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Offline tesseract49

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I feel lost in my journey - regretful MTF - penis loss
« on: September 15, 2021, 09:28:36 am »
Hi Everyone, this is my first post. Just to warn everyone that this might be triggering for some.

Okay I will just say it up front. I am an MTF who is detransitioning, although I am not at the medical stage yet due to financial issues.

I was an MTF back in 2016 and at the time, I really wanted to escape growing into a man. Strangely I liked being a boy, but not a man. I got into cross-dressing and it made feel like I had an escape for a while. I wasn't much good with women as a teenager. I was sexually interested but I was quite shy and wasn't good at socialising.

Eventually I got hormones. I then felt pressured into having SRS because it was costing too much for the antiandrogens, and I worried that I would never be accepted. I thought my wife would leave me, since she had met me while I was an MTF and she didn't understand why I would not want to have surgery. I also had intense curiosity about what it would be like with female genitals. I always thought there was something special about them.

Before surgery I used to enjoy fantasies about women touching my penis and having sex with them. This was pretty much the main thing that got me off. I decided to ignore it and not think about it because I thought it wouldn't good to have fantasies involving my male parts when they were going to be removed shortly. I instead, tried to convert my thoughts to be female, unsuccessfully.

About a week after surgery I had feelings of regret. I will never forget putting my hand on my crotch for the first time. It was really disturbing. I kept having dreams about having my old parts and feeling relieved, only to wake up and feel disappointed that it was only a dream. I assumed this was normal and didn't tell anyone, even my therapist. I couldn't face having lost a part of my anatomy that I was originally phobic about losing back in my teens, so it was only about three years ago that I began to face it and try to deal with it. I wish I had told people about this phobia in the past, I might have been stopped.

I haven't managed to find anyone else on the internet who regrets mainly due to physical reasons and not being able to accept the loss of the old parts. It seems the motivation behind detransition is often social.

I really don't want a physical relationship without my old parts. I feel like an amputee and I feel incomplete. I should have taken it as a bad omen when I filled a survey once about the surgery and answered that ‘I would be mortified’ when asked how would I feel about having a flat crotch.

To add to all this, my breasts started to grow quite a bit over the past two years. I am actually finding hard to pass as male sometimes because of this, which seems ridiculous. Seriously, you couldn't make this up. I feel like I am in some really messed up sitcom.

There isn't much that can be done for me because the surgery cannot truly be reversed. There is a surgeon in Serbia who claims to be able to rebuild the penis, but I just don't trust it. My parts have been butchered enough and some of the areas I liked have gone forever. These can't be restored by anyone.

The only option that I can think of is to have an entire penis grown in a laboratory, but this may be a long way off into future. I may not even live to see it. If I were rich, I would even fund the research for benefit fo other people like me and FTMs.

I guess the only way forward is to just accept it, which I am trying to do. It's complicated though because so much of what turns me on is related to my old parts. There isn't anything that interests me about my current anatomy and I get really frustrated than I can't hold it in my hand like I used to. Literally nothing prepared me for this.

In some ways I was really lucky. I went from a person who had only just started to cross-dress to fully post-op in just over two years. I literally rushed through it, because I thought I wouldn't be able to face being an adult man. I had no likelihood of affording seeing a therapist back then, and then I met my wife randomly, and she paid for the entire thing. You couldn't make it up, and yet, it has wounded me so much emotionally and sexually. On the plus side, I am so grateful that I still have some of the sensitive tissue, and I get mini erections, kind of. There are a lot of people who don’t even have that and I send love and compassion to them.

I sometimes think I did it to avoid growing up, and it wasn't a gender thing at all. I didn't want breasts or a vagina, but I wanted to keep my head hair and not have testosterone. So I can't help feeling that somehow I conned myself into doing the whole thing for the sake avoiding becoming a responsible adult.

I am sorry about this post, I don't really know where I am going with this, but I just felt like I had to tell someone. Please be kind.

My wife completely accepts me, and that alone makes me feel so grateful. She has been very helpful. There have been many tearful days but also days when I feel positive. I started meditating last year and I have become quite spiritual. When I feel the emotional pain, I just want to do help other people. It seems to be the only thing that helps me. I have even thoughts of becoming a monk, although this would not be practical at the moment. She will support me through whatever I do, but it hasn't been easy for her either as she feels really guilty, since she was the person that originally encourage me to do. I have forgiven her many times.

Anyway, It feels so good to get this off my chest. I don't why I am posting this, as there not much advice I can be given apart from what I have already said. I will see a therapist eventually when I can afford to.



Sending love and kindness to everyone on this forum.

Online Haley Conner

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Re: I feel lost in my journey - regretful MTF - penis loss
« Reply #1 on: September 15, 2021, 09:48:43 am »
Welcome.  No need to apologize.  Talking about trans issues, negative, positive, personal, medical or otherwise, is what this forum is about.  So maybe you rushed through it, and maybe that was a mistake.  Do what you can, and beyond that, try and be content with what you have, if there's nothing to be done about it.  I'm sort of in the opposite boat.  I being a poor candidate for transition, due to a rare syndrome I have which makes surgery and drugs a risky business for me.  And yet it's all I ever wanted.  So I make the best of it and try not to drown in regrets.  BTW, since you are a new member, you should post in the introductions section.

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: I feel lost in my journey - regretful MTF - penis loss
« Reply #2 on: September 15, 2021, 10:12:18 am »
@tesseract49
Dear Tesseract49
    Please know that I am not trying to sidetrack your comments and I will give you and others back this thread right after I warmly welcome you to Susan's Place and the Forums.
   
    I am most pleased that you had decided to join to Susan's Place and the Forums.

    Thank you for writing your very first posting.... as you get more involved in exchanging comments on various posts other members will be offering their thoughts and comments in response to any of your future questions and concerns..

    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say regarding their own experiences.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.
 
    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    There is information and important LINKS that I have included below.   You will find information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle


Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 
Things that you should read
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

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I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: I feel lost in my journey - regretful MTF - penis loss
« Reply #3 on: September 15, 2021, 10:15:16 am »
@tesseract49
Dear Tesseract49:

OH, another thing....  Please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to very briefly tell more members a little about yourself and to let them know of your arrival on the Forums!
 
With more exposure to more members here you will be able to get more responses to your questions and concerns.

Wishing your well as you continue to be involved in the forums.

NOTE: Now, after all of this Greeting and Welcoming stuff, I will give you and others the thread back so that the conversation can continue.


Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline tesseract49

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Re: I feel lost in my journey - regretful MTF - penis loss
« Reply #4 on: September 15, 2021, 10:31:17 am »
Hi Hayley. Thank you for your kind words, I will post one shortly. I am really sorry for you with your situation. I have heard of people with similar situations, inlcudig a person with Ehlers-Danlos. It must be tough. I might be having issues with regret of my going through the process, but I still understand how others need the treatment.

I guess one advantage of my predicament is that I have learned to feel compassion for people who feel physically wrong regardless which side they are. Sending lots of compassion.

I still think it's bizarre that all of my treatment came out of nowhere, handed to me on a plate. I feel a bit of survivor guilt sometimes, because I feel sad for others who couldn't get help, and yet here I was messed up by the help I got.

One conciliation my wife tells me, is that if I had been more honest about my feelings and intentions, I probably would never have got the treatment. I then would have been left with all sorts of unresolved questions and feelings. So I feel sometimes that I had to do it even though I suspected from the start that it might be wrong for me, because for as long as I had the fascination and desire, I couldn't move on.

I still wish for more advanced treatments in the future. It would be so good if bits that are missing could be replaced, or maybe new bits added on for people in need.

Thank for for your warm welcome northern star. I actually used to have an account here many years ago. I wish I had listened to some of the advice back then. I used to have an intersex friend on the internet who listened to my story and advised me to not rush into anything. How I wish I had listened. I must stop ruminating.

Online Haley Conner

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Re: I feel lost in my journey - regretful MTF - penis loss
« Reply #5 on: September 15, 2021, 11:20:36 am »
You must be psychic, because Ehlers Danlos is in fact what I have.   :o

Offline Pammie

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Re: I feel lost in my journey - regretful MTF - penis loss
« Reply #6 on: September 15, 2021, 04:57:30 pm »
Hi Hayley. Thank you for your kind words, I will post one shortly. I am really sorry for you with your situation. I have heard of people with similar situations, inlcudig a person with Ehlers-Danlos. It must be tough. I might be having issues with regret of my going through the process, but I still understand how others need the treatment.

I guess one advantage of my predicament is that I have learned to feel compassion for people who feel physically wrong regardless which side they are. Sending lots of compassion.

I still think it's bizarre that all of my treatment came out of nowhere, handed to me on a plate. I feel a bit of survivor guilt sometimes, because I feel sad for others who couldn't get help, and yet here I was messed up by the help I got.

One conciliation my wife tells me, is that if I had been more honest about my feelings and intentions, I probably would never have got the treatment. I then would have been left with all sorts of unresolved questions and feelings. So I feel sometimes that I had to do it even though I suspected from the start that it might be wrong for me, because for as long as I had the fascination and desire, I couldn't move on.

I still wish for more advanced treatments in the future. It would be so good if bits that are missing could be replaced, or maybe new bits added on for people in need.

Thank for for your warm welcome northern star. I actually used to have an account here many years ago. I wish I had listened to some of the advice back then. I used to have an intersex friend on the internet who listened to my story and advised me to not rush into anything. How I wish I had listened. I must stop ruminating.
I guess you got medical sign off for what you did? Did you not admit any of your concerns to them?
It’s all quite hard to understand that you were able to rush into this in such a short time,
I can’t imagine how awful you are feeling but you don’t sound as if you should ever have been a candidate for this surgery


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Offline tesseract49

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Re: I feel lost in my journey - regretful MTF - penis loss
« Reply #7 on: September 16, 2021, 04:46:49 am »
It's kind of complicated. I was very naive back then. I was just a teen. I was never really validated as a male and I didn't really fit in that much, but I wasn't really sure I wanted to be female either.

Initially I wanted to be looked after and given love. I didn't like being seen as strong and capable, because I really wasn't. I was frightened of my own shadow and I had been a bit of a recluse for a long time. In many ways I found a solution to that in my wife. When we first met she helped me to learn about social situations and corrected the lack of education and awareness that I had from growing up with my parents. She took me travelling and broadened my mind. In some ways, she was the best thing that ever happened to me.

When I started hormones I found it very hard to stop. I felt somehow more peaceful. I wanted to be female sort of but also still keep my parts. Originally I wanted an orchidectomy, although I found out that that may not have been suitable either, because I might become impotent.

I also had a curiosity as to what it would be like to be female. In my teen years I felt a connection to transwomen. I felt somehow moved by their fixing of their anatomy. When I started my transition it felt like destiny. I wasn't as open about my reservations as I could have been with my therapists or even myself, because I felt that for some reason I needed to do it and that outweighed the physical problem that might be caused.

My therapist once asked me if I used my penis, and said no. I didn't really understand the question. I assumed he was only talking about penetrative sex.

For a while afterwards I felt sort of relieved, but then as I mentioned earlier, I felt a sense of loss over my parts. It feels like I had a tug of war inside me. It's like there is a fundamental biological part of myself that liked my parts, and then there is a part which is further away from the biology, and more linked to social things. That was the part of me that wanted the change. I think I didn’t like what my old parts made me some how.

Offline Chloe

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Re: I feel lost in my journey - regretful MTF - penis loss
« Reply #8 on: September 16, 2021, 05:05:27 am »
tesseract,
        How long ago did this all take place? As long as wife is accepting, quite 'ok' and no major surgery complications then I'd just make the best of it? Do you also feel the need to socially present as male again too? Does it really matter "what's down there"? I am almost the opposite of you in pursuing social transition but, being quite "recessed & diminutive" already, will probably NEVER do "SRS" although my doctor does offer a "topical T cream" designed for "down there" that might considerably help to spice up your & wife's "love life"  . . .

        If passing well already just enjoy exploring newfound adventures? Did you do full depth or minimal? I was told by gay friends long ago "do what must but you'll be happier don't mess with 'down there" but of course, we're all different and, with fact accomplished already, I'd think pursuing more surgeries would just make all even worse?

You 'aven't "LOST IT" it still there just in different "form"? Look at the bright side -> no hair loss or prostate cancer likely (which my father suffered through)?

Cheers!

(ps: i know of someone who had "removal SRS" for strictly medical, health reasons and while still married, presenting as "he" is doing quite fine regardless, still undecided on whether to take "E" or "T'". Just for the record I have ALWAYS told friends "an orchi" is totally unnecessary I am now on low dose "IM's only and levels are 'T' == 25ng/dL - Reference Range: 250-1100 - and 'DHT' == 6ng/dl Reference Range: 12-65)
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Offline Maid Marion

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Re: I feel lost in my journey - regretful MTF - penis loss
« Reply #9 on: September 16, 2021, 05:38:55 am »
Maybe the way to move on is to stop focusing so much on sex and gender.
Yes, they are big parts of a relationship but it sounds like you are focusing too much on your loss.

Does your wife have goals in life you can assist with?  My wife wanted to visit the grave sites of her parents before she passed.

Marion

Offline tesseract49

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Re: I feel lost in my journey - regretful MTF - penis loss
« Reply #10 on: September 16, 2021, 06:02:28 am »
As it happens I do feel a need to present as male. I have been presenting like that for a couple of years now. Whether I have full-depth or not, I don't feel comfortable with it. There are times when just the thought of closing up the opening make me feel better. I feel wrong being flat down there and having an entrance.

My wife and I are not really that into each other sexually anyway, as we fell in love for more romantic and social reasons. That is why we never broke up. This isn't really about my relationship, it is more about feeling comfortable with my own body. Then it is awkward when I can't stand to pee. I stood even on the day of my operation. Even when I had a catheter put in and I had a valve I could open, I would still stand. That came as a big shock too when I couldn't anymore.

I have a lot of dysphoria over my chest as well and I plan to get them removed in the near future. Everyday I want to take them off like the false ones I wore as a crossdresser. Again, I wasn't sure about them to begin with, but I thought it was the only way.

I appreciate your advice, and you are right, that any further treatment will just damage me even further. I just don't feel comfortable with female anatomy. I just can't get over how unpalpable it is and how much is missing. I don't have anything to hold anymore. I just wanted to fit in and look the part. But the reallity of it just disturbs me.

Again, I guess I just have to find a way to accept it. If there is some medical advancement in the future I may avail myself of it if I am lucky enough and can afford it, but at this point I just have to find a way to accept it.

Your comment about how it is still there but in a different form makes me feel a bit better. I was surpised to hear your story of a guy who had that done and lives as 'he'. Maybe I was more attached to my bits than some men are. My wife sometimes thinks that.

I think you are probably right about my loss. It is like I am bereaved and I am still coming to terms with it.

I feel embarrassed saying this, but there was period of time when I literally wouldn''t believe that the surgery had happeped. I would just completely be in denial that it ever happened. I felt like It couldn't have.

I am sorry about all this. I really love the kind words from everyone. I feel bad for putting so much negativity into this place. This is why I don't like talking about it. I don't want to make other people feel negative too.

Offline Chloe

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Re: I feel lost in my journey - regretful MTF - penis loss
« Reply #11 on: September 16, 2021, 08:54:04 am »
I feel bad for putting so much negativity into this place . .  make other people feel negative too.

          *sigh* HONESTY is never "negative", could use more of it! Do think many should heed the call to truly think twice, not rush into things just because "easily available"? My heart really goes out to suffering FtM who, given current methods, never will be "fully functional" in the man dept either . . . lol One COULD almost say I also 'ave a "minimal/zero depth" with a merely "highly engorged 'C" already (not good for much else tend to mostly "sit" anyway)?



(I should prolly add that when I go swimming usually tend to avoid tight-fitting bikinis, do short 'trunks' instead, due nothing to "pack" and as far as breasts go (how big?) just wear snug type "tees" always . . . very 'non-binary'?)
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Offline tesseract49

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Re: I feel lost in my journey - regretful MTF - penis loss
« Reply #12 on: September 16, 2021, 09:15:43 am »
Thanks again for kind words. I guess I am just bereaved. That is the root of my problem. I had that anatomy for most of my life and now I don't have it. I sometimes think it would be easier if I never had it, because then I couldn't miss it.

In a way I am a sort of MTFTM. I think even if I had thought more about doing it, I would have still done it, because at the time I thought it was the only way to resolve my situation.

This thread has helped me. Particularly Hayley's comments. I just had to have an outlet for my feelings. I don't think there is much to add at this point. I am going to get back to life and try again to get over my loss.

I will post keep people posted in the future based on what happens. Thank you for being understanding.

Online Haley Conner

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Re: I feel lost in my journey - regretful MTF - penis loss
« Reply #13 on: September 16, 2021, 10:55:43 am »
I'm glad that you found my comments helpful, and I hope to see you around the forum.  You will find there are a lot of supportive and insightful people here.

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Re: I feel lost in my journey - regretful MTF - penis loss
« Reply #14 on: September 16, 2021, 04:14:13 pm »
I think this is such an important thread. The dangers of rushing into surgery and, indeed into transition as a whole are very clear indeed. I do feel for the OP so much.


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Offline Rakel

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Re: I feel lost in my journey - regretful MTF - penis loss
« Reply #15 on: September 16, 2021, 08:05:40 pm »
...Eventually I got hormones. I then felt pressured into having SRS because ...

This last sentence says it all. Transition is something that we do for ourselves. Nobody should ever pressure someone else into persuing transition.

The most important part of every plan to transition is to accept ourselves as we are and then decide what needs to be changed. When we finally accept ourself, nobody's opinion has any affect on us. We are our own person and we are allowed to live our life as we wish.

With that being said, now where can you go from here. Detransition is possible, but with limitations.

What is really important is given your current physical condition, How do you want to live the rest of your life?

Accept yourself and your answer to this question will make your future choices much more clearly defined.

Take care.  :-*




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Offline Lady Sarah

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Re: I feel lost in my journey - regretful MTF - penis loss
« Reply #16 on: September 16, 2021, 10:02:09 pm »
Therein lies the reasons to be honest with one's self, loved ones, doctors, and therapists. Without that honesty, you cannot expect the help you really need. When confused, it can be difficult to iterate how you feel, or what's bothering you. It can be frustrating.

After making a series of errors in judgment, and ending up in a way that you are most certainly not comfortable with, your options are quite limited. I'm not sure if medical science could give you a penis now. I'm sure someone will be able to chime in on that.

I do wish you the best, and hope you can get your life back on track.
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Re: I feel lost in my journey - regretful MTF - penis loss
« Reply #17 on: Yesterday at 03:13:48 am »
This last sentence says it all. Transition is something that we do for ourselves. Nobody should ever pressure someone else into persuing transition. 

That is very very true, —„we do it for ourselves“—  and it is not even a choice.
We did and absolutely needed  to do so, for to protect and save our valuable lives.

Sorry for not to be stay precisely on topic but i feeled the need to say that.
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Offline tesseract49

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Re: I feel lost in my journey - regretful MTF - penis loss
« Reply #18 on: Yesterday at 03:20:25 am »
Thank you again for your kind comments. I have just one more thing to add. I really think my problem was being honest with myself as Lady Sarah said. I was probably a bit overattached to my parts if I am honest, and I think sometimes what I really needed was some sort of sex therapy. I know I definitely had intimacy issues when I first was with a woman, but I misinterpreted it as dysphoria.

One other complication in my story is that I couldn't afford my medications, which including antiandrogens were very expensive. We have a public health system in my country, which theoretically could have covered the cost for me, but my GPs would never prescribe them even though I had a letter from a private psychotherapist advising them to, even suggesting that he could take the responsibility on their behalf, because they said they had to be prescribed by a public doctor for the funding to work. The only way for me to have done that would have been to wait over three years to see someone which I couldn't last for on the money I had. By having the operation, they had to prescribe them because there would be a medical need at that point. In fairness, my psychotherapist said that everyone before me had managed to get their medications prescribed using his letter, so I believe that I probably had a GP surgery that was dead set against it. The irony was that the more they tried to block my medications, the more determined I became and I ended up doing that exact opposite of what they wanted. I was a typical teenager in that respect.

I will leave this thread now and at some point I wwill make an introduction on this forum, and I promise try and be positive. Despite my situation I still feel kinship with the trans community as before, and have several friends who are trans. I was just a bit unfortunate because I didn't really understand myself and wasn't as honest as I could have been. I hope everyone has a great day, thanks for being here. I will stop ruminating now.

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