Topic: Sara's Wild Ride

[TXSara]

I guess it's time I started my own blog... I have had a few times lately when I felt the need to throw out some random musings, but they never seemed to be "new post worthy".  I guess this will be the perfect place to throw those day-to-day ups and downs.

Here goes the stream of consciousness!

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A couple weeks ago, my daughter started feeling bad, so we took her in for a COVID test.  I was told that I would get the results quicker if I set up an account with LabCorp and tied my daughter to my account as a dependent.  That way, as soon as the results came in, I'd get a text.  I signed up, and it gave me access to just about every lab result I have had over the past 10 years.  I can usually look at most of that stuff in my doctors patient portal, but this had some things that I had previously missed.  (I'm going somewhere with this -- I swear).

Anyway, I saw that a few years ago, my doctor ordered a hormone panel that I hadn't seen.  My T was around 400, which within the normal male range.  My estrogen levels, though, were 122!!  This is quite a bit higher than the normal male range.  I did a double-take, then started crying (happy tears).  It was finally SOMETHING that I could point to that said "See, I'm not just making this up!  This isn't (all) my fault!"  It also sort of explains a lot about my physical appearance -- I have never been able to grow a beard, my voice has never been very low, and I have a fairly small build.  I don't know that I have ever been so happy to have abnormal bloodwork...

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My wife and I continue to try to figure out exactly how we're going to make this thing work.  She has needs that I, well, soon won't be able to help out with much.  I really have a pretty low libido to begin with, so I'm not expecting to want much of ANYTHING to do with sex after a few months on Spiro.  We've talked about an open marriage, which really means open to her / closed to me since I'm not all that interested in sex.

Everything seemed to be OK until I realized that she was really getting close to acting on this -- it turns out that what I was fine with as an abstract concept became very difficult to deal with when there was an actual suitor.  I know that this is something I'm going to have to accept -- I can either be OK with this, or be OK with her leaving me completely.  It isn't fair for me to not be interested and to force her into celibacy.

I'm getting better about wrapping my head around it.  I have some poly friends that don't have any problems at all -- I'm just not used to the idea yet.  My wife and I have had some really good discussions about this now, and I think my biggest fear is about being replaced.  I love my wife more than she'll ever know, and I don't want someone else taking my place.  I think if it was just about sex, it would be easier -- that's just not her style... she needs some sort of relationship, which makes it stickier.

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Today I received my referral letter for HRT.  I'm scheduled to come in for bloodwork on October 6th, and I'm both nervous and excited about it.  This is a huge milestone... I hope I'm ready.  Luckily, I have been letting my family know that this is imminent -- I don't have any scary discussions to have.  I'm sure that there will be difficulties, though, when the abstract idea of "I am probably going to start HRT soon" becomes "I just received my prescription".

That's enough for now, I guess --

~Sara

[Northern Star Girl]

@TXSara
Dear Sara:

I am so very excited to see that you have started your very own personal BLOG thread that you can share your life events, your comments, your experiences, your questions and your thoughts... with me and the rest of your readers and followers here on the Forums.

As you might already know from reading many of my postings and comments around the Forums I always make the suggestion to members that keeping a journal is good therapy.   Not only with our own journal/Blog threads but also I always recommend keeping a more private and personal "old-school" Pen&Paper journal at home.   

I keep a personal journal at my home which is full of colorful doodling, sometimes illegible and hurried writing, snapshot photos, notes about doctors appointments, my romantic endeavors, my coming out trials and tribulations, and other writings about those that I am friends with, those that accept me, those that do not accept me, and my issues with my non-accepting parents and family, etc, etc.
 
I find that it is definitely very good personal therapy to write out my feelings and venting...  and ponder my situations in my journal.  Just writing out these things can help me to sort out my priorities and to find ways to help positively solve my issues.

I am so very glad to see that you have now started your own BLOG/journal here on the Forums.
When you report good news we will all rejoice with you and be happy for you... and when you write not-so-good news we will lend you our ears to listen and our shoulders for you to lean on.   We are your biggest fans and we are always rooting for your success and happiness.

My home journals (I have several now) are not in any kind of a fancy book and not with a clever cover...  mine are rather plain 3 ring notebooks that allows for adding pages and inserting lots of notes and scribbles and some  photos too.   
Whatever works for you is important, after-all it is YOUR JOURNAL to do with what you want.

I often find myself leafing through some of the past entrees of my BLOG/journal postings here on the Forums and my personal journals that I keep at home and will sit and read it for hours on a cold rainy night sitting in my comfy chair sometimes with a smile and laughter, sometimes with satisfaction with my decisions,  and sometimes with tears in my eyes.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts in your very first BLOG posting... I enjoyed reading your "biography" and details regarding your life.  I and other members that read your blog will get to know you better and you will most likely develop many like minded friends here as you continue on.

****I am and will be eagerly following your postings on your Blog and around the various threads.

Hugs and best wishes to you....
Danielle


For my new readers and potential followers:
I started out here on the Susan's Place Forums on February 08, 2018 as Aspiring Person.
    Then on March 12, 2018 I became Alaskan Danielle.
        On December 03, 2019 I became  Northern Star Girl.

The following information and LINKS will guide you to my previous and informative threads that I had started writing back in February 2018.   Numerous threads, comments and a "ton" of posts later here I still am. 
Please bear with me and feel free to ask me any questions and/or make any comments that are on your mind.  You are always welcome to post whatever you wish on my blog/journal/threads.

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Mammogram alert
Positive Mindset... put away negativity
Susans Writers and Book Readers
Trouble posting pictures??? HERE ARE THE INSTRUCTIONS
Trouble Posting a VIDEO??? HERE ARE THE INSTRUCTIONS

[TXSara]

So, I have begun letting family and close friends know that the beginning of HRT is imminent.  So far, things are going pretty well on that front.  One thing that I did NOT expect, though, has made me sort of nervous about it.

This week, both my therapist and another friend have called me Sara while I'm in male mode.  When I am in female mode, it is expected and desired.  Since I was in male mode, it was a little surprising and a bit unsettling.  It's weird... it's almost like for half a second my brain said "I'm not Sara" -- but then was OK.  The fact that the initial reaction was that this was "incorrect" has me all spun up.

Now, I'm over here overanalyzing EVERYTHING.  I have admitted to both myself and my therapist that I see myself as "currently in the middle with a strong preference toward the female side".  What if I'm not "trans-enough"? 

~Sara

[Northern Star Girl]

@TXSara
Dear Sara:
Keep having those frequent sessions with your Therapist... and certainly continue the conversations with your family regarding your transition journey.

You need to rejoice in the fact that you are being called "Sara" even when you are in male mode.  Don't be "spun" up, but rather relish in the fact that you are being accepted as Sara.

Yes, I think that you are indeed "overanalyzing EVERYTHING."
You have admitted to both yourself and your therapist that you see yourself as "currently in the middle with a strong preference toward the female side"

Regarding your last statement and question:  "What if I'm not "trans-enough"?" 
You and your Therapist really need to specifically address that issue and also why you might be feeling that way.

I am eagerly looking for your future updates but only as you feel comfortable posting them.
HUGS and best wishes....
Danielle

[TXSara]

Danielle --

I DEFINITELY don't want to sound like I don't rejoice in being accepted... of course I do!  I'm extremely lucky to have the support of family and friends.

My scare came from the fact that it just felt weird for a second.  I mean, it shouldn't, so why did it?  I'm probably making a mountain out of a mole-hill.  It was just a moment of cognitive dissonance, and it got me questioning myself again.

Did anyone else have similar moments at the beginning of transition?

~Sara

[davina61]

I found it took a while for my brain to adjust , well after 60 + plus years of <dead name> thats to be expected.

[Anita B. Ting]

Sara -

In some ways, I can relate to your situation. One of the main reasons that I have not yet begun my journey is the fear of losing my wife (an amazing woman and the best friend I could ever ask for - but not sure if she could accept Anita as a wife) and my family (we are very close but they are all strict southern baptists). But, always remember one thing: you are no good to anyone else if you are not good to yourself first! Do what you need to do in order to make YOU happy. A transition is not about the physical act of having sex, but rather making your outward form match your internal self. Nor are sex and love the same thing. I love my wife madly, but we rarely have sex. But the thought of living my life without her in it is a major red light for me right now. As long the two of you are on the same page, who is sleeping with whom shouldn't get in the way of the love you share for one another. I hope that you are able to work something out with her and within yourself that will allow Sara to blossom into the vibrant, beautiful person that I see looking at your profile picture!

With Sisterly Love,

Anita

[Maid Marion]

I had a brief moment of doubt when I bought a pair of prescription glasses a few months ago.  They are unmistakably feminine designer frames.  I bought them anyway.  One of my GG friends complemented me on buying them.   

Marion

[TXSara]

I found it took a while for my brain to adjust , well after 60 + plus years of <dead name> thats to be expected.

Thanks, Davina --  mine hasn't been 60+, but does almost 50 count? 

I think I'm over it now.  Like you said, it's just something that I need to adjust to.  When I'm in "girl mode", someone shouting "Sara!" from across the room gets my attention.  When I'm in "boy mode", not so much.  I'll have to get used to the fact that I'm going to be getting that more often now!

~Sara

[TXSara]

I hope that you are able to work something out with her and within yourself that will allow Sara to blossom into the vibrant, beautiful person that I see looking at your profile picture!

Thanks so much, Anita!  I am extremely optimistic that we're going to make it.  She's a very special woman, and I'm very lucky to have her in my life.  I guess my fear is that someone else is going to figure out how special she is, too!  I know that she has needs that I can't (or soon won't be able to) fulfill, and I have to let that work itself out.  I can't keep her in a cage.  Luckily, we're very open with each other -- I think that's the most important thing if we're going to make an arrangement like this work.

~Sara

[TXSara]

A sad day for me (in a very shallow sort of way  )...

I have been growing my nails, and they had gotten to be really long.  I take a lot of pride in taking care of them.  Yesterday, I broke one (DAMMIT!) and I had to cut them all back to match.  Oh well, such is life.  I hadn't broken one in quite a long time since I have been taking Biotin (for my hair growth).  For the last few months, I was having to trim them back just a little every month so that they didn't get TOO long.  I guess I get to start over...

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Yesterday, the family went to the local Oktoberfest celebration -- it was fun, although WAAY too crowded.  We went into a couple of the local boutique shops, and I realized that it is MUCH more fun shopping with my wife and daughters now that they are getting comfortable with my feminine side.  They ask my opinion a lot more, and even make some suggestions of things I might want for myself.  My wife saw a "vegan leather" jacket (what is that, anyway?  Pleather?)  that she liked.  She wanted it, but felt it was too expensive.  I said, "How about we share it, that way we're getting two jackets for half price each?"    That made her happy.  It's nice being the same size!  Too bad my feet are WAAY bigger than hers -- I would love to be able to share shoes as well.

~Sara

[Northern Star Girl]

@TXSara
Dear Sara:
Reading your last and most recent posting:
The heartache of broken nails.  I feel your pain and anguish....
....it takes so very long to grow out naturally long nails,
much better than the fake nails available and the acrylic
nails put on by your manicurist have their own issues.

Regarding shopping... yes indeed it is terrific to have
your supporting and accepting wife and daughters along
with you..... a great "family" event.

Thank you for sharing and posting.
HUGS, and best wishes as you continue on.
Danielle

[RandiL]

Regarding nails, I'm vegetarian and maintaining healthy nails has long been a challenge. I take biotin but it's not enough.

Also I play mandolin so I can't have long nails anyway.

My smartphone thinks it's smarter than me. It's probably right.

[davina61]

Keep splitting mine, ruined them having false ones fitted . Taking vit D with calcium .

[TXSara]

I have had a great week --

Live music is back, and I made it to two shows last week.  I went to 311 with a bunch of friends from work, then took my girls to see KISS a couple days later.

One thing I have noticed since fully embracing my feminine side is that I am enjoying lowered inhibitions overall -- no booze required.  I was acting a complete fool at the 311 concert (they're one of my all time faves -- such a high-energy show!), and I noticed that I brought everyone else along with me.  By the end of the night, all my friends were jumping around without a care about what anybody else thought.  Fantastic.

I just HAD to bring my girls to see KISS since this is their last tour (for real this time  ).  They had a blast, and they'll never forget it (hopefully).  It's amazing that Paul Stanley is pushing 70 and still moving around like that.  Good times...

---------------------------------

I have my first appointment for HRT on Wednesday.  I'm excited, and not nearly as nervous as I thought I would be.  Maybe it just hasn't hit me yet.  It's almost like, "OK, this is the next step.  Just take it."

~Sara

[Northern Star Girl]

@TXSara
Dear Sara:
It was good to read your post regarding the 2 shows that you attended and the reaction of your girls going with you to the KISS concert....

Regarding your first appointment for HRT on Wednesday... this is definitely very exciting news
and a day that you will certainly always remember in your journey.

Thank you for keeping me and the rest of your followers updated with your life adventures and your transition journey.

HUGS   
Danielle

[TXSara]

So... today is the day.

I received my prescription for Estradiol / Spiro on Thursday, and took yesterday to talk everything over with my wife and kids prior to starting anything.  This morning, I took my first pills.

I guess I should mark the day -- 10/16/21.  Do I get one of those cute little countdown thingies now?    I want kitties on mine!

So far, nothing... these edibles ain't s***.  (Just kidding, folks!)

---------------

On a less happy note, I started HRT without having completed one of the tasks that I told myself I would complete.  I haven't yet told my stepmother about what I'm doing.  My Dad passed away earlier this year, and I haven't had the guts to call her and open up about this.  I'm dreading it -- I feel that my Dad would NOT have been very supportive, and she is extremely religious.  I have a lot of faith in her as a caring human being, but I'm still a bit worried about it.  She's the first person I'm needing to tell where it could really go "either way".  I'm going to have to get over myself and just find the courage.  I worry that if she is not accepting, it will affect her relationship with my girls.  That'll be really hard to take.

~Sara

[Allie Jayne]

Sara, I applaud you and your willingness to have an open marriage, it shows me you truly love your wife, so I guess she must see this as well. I had this arrangement with my wife, though she didn't act on it, but I am not sure how i would have felt if she did. I was unable to look after her needs ( I had hypogonadism, my t levels were so low I didn't need blockers) through 15 years of our 20 year marriage so I felt is was fair if she needed such fulfilment.

Please be aware, Biotin can mess with your labs, and usually cause in incorrect, and really high E reading. Were you taking biotin when you recorded you high E reading pre HRT? Tell your doctor you are taking Biotin, and they will advise when to stop it before labwork.

I've always believed that honesty is the foundation for relationships, and the way to stay together, but I must admit, after 21 years of knowing I was trans, and staying with me through transition, my wife left me. I truly hope this works out for you!

Hugs,

Allie

[TXSara]

Thanks, Allie -- 

I'm hoping everything works out with my wife.  We're each others' best friend, and that doesn't change with my outward appearance.  She struggles with this (as she should), but doesn't want to go anywhere. 

My wife's "suitor" from a few posts ago turned out to be a bit of a game player.  He had claimed that he and his wife had an open marriage as well, and that they should hook up sometime.  When my wife asked his wife about this, she found out that "No, honey.  No openness here -- where'd you get that idea?"  WOW.  So, as of now, she hasn't acted on this open-marriage idea.  She now has a bit of a bad taste in her mouth about it as well.

Thanks for the heads up on the Biotin.  I wasn't taking it when I had that original high reading, but my hormone doctor didn't seem to think it was all that out of the ordinary.  She said it was "interesting, but not clinically interesting".  When I had my bloodwork done this last week, the numbers were back in the normal male range, anyway.

~Sara

[Maid Marion]

Hi Sara,

Congratulations on starting HRT!

Marion