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Sara's Wild Ride

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I guess it's time I started my own blog... I have had a few times lately when I felt the need to throw out some random musings, but they never seemed to be "new post worthy".  I guess this will be the perfect place to throw those day-to-day ups and downs.

Here goes the stream of consciousness!

A couple weeks ago, my daughter started feeling bad, so we took her in for a COVID test.  I was told that I would get the results quicker if I set up an account with LabCorp and tied my daughter to my account as a dependent.  That way, as soon as the results came in, I'd get a text.  I signed up, and it gave me access to just about every lab result I have had over the past 10 years.  I can usually look at most of that stuff in my doctors patient portal, but this had some things that I had previously missed.  (I'm going somewhere with this -- I swear).

Anyway, I saw that a few years ago, my doctor ordered a hormone panel that I hadn't seen.  My T was around 400, which within the normal male range.  My estrogen levels, though, were 122!!  This is quite a bit higher than the normal male range.  I did a double-take, then started crying (happy tears).  It was finally SOMETHING that I could point to that said "See, I'm not just making this up!  This isn't (all) my fault!"  It also sort of explains a lot about my physical appearance -- I have never been able to grow a beard, my voice has never been very low, and I have a fairly small build.  I don't know that I have ever been so happy to have abnormal bloodwork...

My wife and I continue to try to figure out exactly how we're going to make this thing work.  She has needs that I, well, soon won't be able to help out with much.  I really have a pretty low libido to begin with, so I'm not expecting to want much of ANYTHING to do with sex after a few months on Spiro.  We've talked about an open marriage, which really means open to her / closed to me since I'm not all that interested in sex.

Everything seemed to be OK until I realized that she was really getting close to acting on this -- it turns out that what I was fine with as an abstract concept became very difficult to deal with when there was an actual suitor.  I know that this is something I'm going to have to accept -- I can either be OK with this, or be OK with her leaving me completely.  It isn't fair for me to not be interested and to force her into celibacy.

I'm getting better about wrapping my head around it.  I have some poly friends that don't have any problems at all -- I'm just not used to the idea yet.  My wife and I have had some really good discussions about this now, and I think my biggest fear is about being replaced.  I love my wife more than she'll ever know, and I don't want someone else taking my place.  I think if it was just about sex, it would be easier -- that's just not her style... she needs some sort of relationship, which makes it stickier.


Today I received my referral letter for HRT.  I'm scheduled to come in for bloodwork on October 6th, and I'm both nervous and excited about it.  This is a huge milestone... I hope I'm ready.  Luckily, I have been letting my family know that this is imminent -- I don't have any scary discussions to have.  I'm sure that there will be difficulties, though, when the abstract idea of "I am probably going to start HRT soon" becomes "I just received my prescription".

That's enough for now, I guess --


Northern Star Girl:
Dear Sara:

I am so very excited to see that you have started your very own personal BLOG thread that you can share your life events, your comments, your experiences, your questions and your thoughts... with me and the rest of your readers and followers here on the Forums.

As you might already know from reading many of my postings and comments around the Forums I always make the suggestion to members that keeping a journal is good therapy.   Not only with our own journal/Blog threads but also I always recommend keeping a more private and personal "old-school" Pen&Paper journal at home.   

I keep a personal journal at my home which is full of colorful doodling, sometimes illegible and hurried writing, snapshot photos, notes about doctors appointments, my romantic endeavors, my coming out trials and tribulations, and other writings about those that I am friends with, those that accept me, those that do not accept me, and my issues with my non-accepting parents and family, etc, etc.
I find that it is definitely very good personal therapy to write out my feelings and venting...  and ponder my situations in my journal.  Just writing out these things can help me to sort out my priorities and to find ways to help positively solve my issues.

I am so very glad to see that you have now started your own BLOG/journal here on the Forums.
When you report good news we will all rejoice with you and be happy for you... and when you write not-so-good news we will lend you our ears to listen and our shoulders for you to lean on.   We are your biggest fans and we are always rooting for your success and happiness.

My home journals (I have several now) are not in any kind of a fancy book and not with a clever cover...  mine are rather plain 3 ring notebooks that allows for adding pages and inserting lots of notes and scribbles and some  photos too.   
Whatever works for you is important, after-all it is YOUR JOURNAL to do with what you want.

I often find myself leafing through some of the past entrees of my BLOG/journal postings here on the Forums and my personal journals that I keep at home and will sit and read it for hours on a cold rainy night sitting in my comfy chair sometimes with a smile and laughter, sometimes with satisfaction with my decisions,  and sometimes with tears in my eyes.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts in your very first BLOG posting... I enjoyed reading your "biography" and details regarding your life.  I and other members that read your blog will get to know you better and you will most likely develop many like minded friends here as you continue on.

****I am and will be eagerly following your postings on your Blog and around the various threads.

Hugs and best wishes to you....

For my new readers and potential followers:
I started out here on the Susan's Place Forums on February 08, 2018 as Aspiring Person.
    Then on March 12, 2018 I became Alaskan Danielle.
        On December 03, 2019 I became  Northern Star Girl.

The following information and LINKS will guide you to my previous and informative threads that I had started writing back in February 2018.   Numerous threads, comments and a "ton" of posts later here I still am. 
Please bear with me and feel free to ask me any questions and/or make any comments that are on your mind.  You are always welcome to post whatever you wish on my blog/journal/threads.

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Mammogram alert
Positive Mindset... put away negativity
Susans Writers and Book Readers
Trouble posting pictures??? HERE ARE THE INSTRUCTIONS

So, I have begun letting family and close friends know that the beginning of HRT is imminent.  So far, things are going pretty well on that front.  One thing that I did NOT expect, though, has made me sort of nervous about it.

This week, both my therapist and another friend have called me Sara while I'm in male mode.  When I am in female mode, it is expected and desired.  Since I was in male mode, it was a little surprising and a bit unsettling.  It's weird... it's almost like for half a second my brain said "I'm not Sara" -- but then was OK.  The fact that the initial reaction was that this was "incorrect" has me all spun up.

Now, I'm over here overanalyzing EVERYTHING.  I have admitted to both myself and my therapist that I see myself as "currently in the middle with a strong preference toward the female side".  What if I'm not "trans-enough"? 


Northern Star Girl:
Dear Sara:
Keep having those frequent sessions with your Therapist... and certainly continue the conversations with your family regarding your transition journey.

You need to rejoice in the fact that you are being called "Sara" even when you are in male mode.  Don't be "spun" up, but rather relish in the fact that you are being accepted as Sara.

Yes, I think that you are indeed "overanalyzing EVERYTHING."
You have admitted to both yourself and your therapist that you see yourself as "currently in the middle with a strong preference toward the female side"

Regarding your last statement and question:  "What if I'm not "trans-enough"?" 
You and your Therapist really need to specifically address that issue and also why you might be feeling that way.

I am eagerly looking for your future updates but only as you feel comfortable posting them.
HUGS and best wishes....

Danielle --

I DEFINITELY don't want to sound like I don't rejoice in being accepted... of course I do!  I'm extremely lucky to have the support of family and friends.

My scare came from the fact that it just felt weird for a second.  I mean, it shouldn't, so why did it?  I'm probably making a mountain out of a mole-hill.  It was just a moment of cognitive dissonance, and it got me questioning myself again.

Did anyone else have similar moments at the beginning of transition?



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