Topic: Sara's Wild Ride

[TXSara]

I have the same trouble with the Austin hot rod, it lulls you into a false security and then rips your hands to shreds or burns even with the welding gloves!!!

When will we learn? LOL -- I was a doofus and let my kids talk me into just putting on some little plastic gloves.  He ripped through those like they weren't even there!  I shudder to think what my hand would look like if I didn't have ANYTHING, though.  That dang cat is STRONG!

~Sara

[TXSara]

Wow.  Lots to unpack from last night.  I'm not even sure where to start...

Here's how it all started:

On Friday at our happy hour, Lizzie told me she wanted to go out with Sara again this weekend.  I said, "OK", and started texting my wife about getting that very elusive "Saturday night hall pass".  By the end of the night, the "hall pass" had been secured!  Hooray!

Saturday morning, I text my friends Lu and Jessica to let them know that I'm going out that night and to invite them to come along.  They both are excited to come and they also get our friend Mary Anne to join in.  By this time, we've got a quorum -- this is going to be a lot of fun.

Saturday afternoon:  Lizzie texts me letting me know that she is now unable to get HER "hall pass" and will need to skip out.  Oh, well.  We'll still have a good time.

Saturday night:  I start getting ready and I'm probably 15 minutes from leaving the house.  Group text from Jess & Lu -- Lu isn't feeling well because she was out in the sun all day with a garage sale, so she's out.  Now we've lost critical mass, and Jess/Mary Anne jump ship.  Fine.  At least I can always count on Michelle!   ...10 minutes later... text from Michelle saying she's skipping out tonight because she has leg cramps.  Ugh.

I am now all dressed up with nowhere to go!  I have also wasted a pretty significant dump of the "good will bucket" with my wife.  Great.  Luckily, I remember that my TG meetup friends were going out to the "gayborhood" that night, so I text my friend Rachel to see where they are meeting.  Night saved.

A night out on Cedar Springs

I'm going to leave this section as "just the facts, ma'am" because otherwise it'll just be rambling.  I'll leave the editorial comments for later...

I got down to the hood, parked, and realized that I was WAAY overdressed.  I had been getting dressed thinking I was going out to a moderately upscale club.  I have never been out in this area, so I didn't know what to expect.  Here I am in heels, and many other people are in flip-flops.  Who cares, I guess?  I could have saved my feet a lot of pain and suffering if I had known that, though!

I go to J.R.'s to meet up with my friends, and they aren't there.  I start texting people, and nobody answers for a good 20 minutes.  Thanks, folks.  Eventually, I meet up with my friends at a different location.  I quickly realize that this is going to be a "bar hop".  That would be fine if I wanted to drink my liver into oblivion, but I have a nearly 45 minute drive back to McKinney.  I also don't like drinking more than once a week, and I did the happy hour on Friday.  My plan all along was to drink water all night and just enjoy myself on the dance floor.

OK, so we spend about 30-45 minutes in each establishment.  Every time we move to the next place, I'm looking for the dance floor.  Nope.  Just a bar.  Not only "just a bar", but a really loud bar where you can't hear very well.  Since I'm deaf in one ear, it is REALLY difficult for me to manage conversations in a loud environment.  It's not like I avoid places with loud music -- I love going places where it is loud, but only if I'm there for a reason other than to talk.  (Concerts YES, Dance clubs YES, Bars NO).

So here I am, overdressed, completely sober while everyone else is getting drunk.  I'm also unable to hear what anyone else is saying, so I'm doing the whole foreign language game of smiling and nodding.  It was a blast, LOL. 

Eventually it got to be after midnight and we still had not found a dance floor.  I pulled the rip cord and came home.  Truthfully, I think that the group was avoiding the type of place I would want to go to because those places generally charge a cover.  Since the group wanted to "hop" from place to place, they didn't want to pay any cover charges.  I get it, but it meant that I wasn't able to really enjoy myself.

OK, so here come the editorial comments:

I'm going to try to say this in a way that doesn't offend anyone, but it may be difficult.  What I have found is that any time you point out differences between you and someone else, it seems like you're talking down about them.  That is not my intent.  I love my meetup friends -- we're just not cut from the same cloth.

I noticed early on when joining this meetup group that the group was a bit "bi-modal" in that there were the "sexually driven" people who were more "fetishy" and then there were the "identity driven" folks that needed an outlet for expressing their inner femininity.  When I joined this meetup and realized which pile I belonged to, it really got me questioning and may have been the trigger for everything that has happened since.  I realized back then that I had a LOT more in common with the "identity" group than with the "fetish" group.

When I started hanging out with the group (it has been around for YEARS), there would sometimes be a "surprise guest" where someone who used to be involved came back and had dinner with us.  It would generally be someone who previously transitioned and was coming back to see old friends.  A recurring theme was, "I felt like I outgrew the group" as a reason why these people were not involved anymore.  I thought at the time that it was a bit of a "jerk" thing to say.  After last night, I'm starting to get it and I'm actually feeling the same way.

This group serves a very important purpose in that it provides a safe space for people to come out and express their femininity.  Getting out "dressed" is the whole purpose, but there's not much beyond that.  Being "dressed" in public is enough for most of them.  I used to get a lot out of the group because I wasn't comfortable dressing at home where it might upset my wife (she knew, but she didn't want to SEE me).  Nowadays, getting "dressed" is just "getting dressed", you know?  OK, what now?  I just want to go do "regular girl" things.  That's not what last night was.

I know I'm rambling, but I think I'm just taking a very long time to get to where I say, "I think I have outgrown the group." 

~Sara

[Rachel Montgomery]

Growth is usually “good”.  I think I understand the difference between the two groups, and your explanation makes sense.  Getting dressed and going out isn’t exciting, unless you are going somewhere fun and doing something fun.

It’s great that your wife didn’t give you grief.  Being punished for a not so fun night would have made it even less fun. 

[Northern Star Girl]

@TXSara
Dear Sara:
I was riveted to your last post/comment and read it twice to fully digest it.
Your explanation and your conclusions were very understandable and made
complete sense.
   
I agree with the reply comment authored by @Rachel Montgomery ...
    ""Growth is usually "good""  .... and "Getting dressed and going out isn't
     exciting, unless you are going somewhere fun and doing something fun."

Deep down I am kinda wondering why just about all of your group friends bailed out
on you.  Do you think that they all had plotted together to not go???  If so, you may
need some new friends.

I am really enjoying following your Blog thread and your other postings around the forums.
Please continue sharing your transition story as you head for your final goals.

I am wishing you well and wishing you success.
HUGS and more HUGS,
Danielle

[TXSara]

It’s great that your wife didn’t give you grief.  Being punished for a not so fun night would have made it even less fun.

Not so fast, Rachel… we don’t know what the blowback will be just yet.  If I dump out the goodwill bucket and it wasn’t full enough to support said dump, I’ll get to hear about it.  I actually think that is the case here.  I’m thinking I really need to give her (and the girls) some attention over the next few days in order to get back to even.  It was DEFINITELY an inefficient use of good will. 

~Sara

[TXSara]

Deep down I am kinda wondering why just about all of your group friends bailed out
on you.  Do you think that they all had plotted together to not go???  If so, you may
need some new friends.

No, LOL, that’s not it.  This was just an unfortunate series of events.  Liz, Michelle, and the group of Lu, Jess, and MaryAnne are from three completely different “spokes” on the “wheel”.  They barely know each other.  In fact, Jess and Mary Anne only know me and Lu.  Lu is close with me, and the other two are closer to Lu.  When Lu backed out, the other two probably felt less comfortable hanging with friends of mine that they didn’t know.

They all wanted to reschedule for some time this week.  That might be tough, though… (see previous talk about the “leaky good-will bucket”…)

~Sara

[Oldandcreaky]

Sara, you're walking a similar path to the one I walked. I rarely drink, loved to dance when I was younger, and even enjoyed pretty clothes in the wayback. Now, my life is meeting girlfriends most days where we goof and giggle. There's gardening too and that quiet, solitary time counterbalances the goofing and giggling.

Being a bar where I couldn't hear in a swarm of drunks isn't my cup of tea. Heck, I couldn't even order a cup of tea there!

[Rachel Montgomery]

No, LOL, that’s not it.  This was just an unfortunate series of events.  Liz, Michelle, and the group of Lu, Jess, and MaryAnne are from three completely different “spokes” on the “wheel”.  They barely know each other.  In fact, Jess and Mary Anne only know me and Lu.  Lu is close with me, and the other two are closer to Lu.  When Lu backed out, the other two probably felt less comfortable hanging with friends of mine that they didn’t know.

They all wanted to reschedule for some time this week.  That might be tough, though… (see previous talk about the “leaky good-will bucket”…)

~Sara

I suspect that you are right.  It wasn’t a collaboration, it was a series of dominoes falling.  Your best friend (and the primary contact) couldn’t make it, and the other two probably did have other reasons not to go (which they would probably have set aside and gone anyway if everyone else was going), and the whole thing started to sound like it was less worth the sacrifices.  Then, with half the party out, the other half had sacrifices they were previously willing to make for a big night out (like suffering back pain), but it just didn’t seem worth it anymore. 

And, there is always the possibility that you and the key friend are just that much more fun together.  I have seen chemistry wherein two people who are alright by themselves, become a load of fun when they are together.  So much fun that no one would choose to miss it.  But, just one (either one) and the whole thing is…alright.

[TXSara]

I suspect that you are right.  It wasn’t a collaboration, it was a series of dominoes falling.  Your best friend (and the primary contact) couldn’t make it, and the other two probably did have other reasons not to go (which they would probably have set aside and gone anyway if everyone else was going), and the whole thing started to sound like it was less worth the sacrifices.  Then, with half the party out, the other half had sacrifices they were previously willing to make for a big night out (like suffering back pain), but it just didn’t seem worth it anymore. 

Yeah, it was three completely independent events.  Liz, Michelle, and Lu all had their own reasons for not going out.  No big deal and no flakiness.  The other two were tied to Lu not making it -- those two fit your explanation pretty well.

And, there is always the possibility that you and the key friend are just that much more fun together.  I have seen chemistry wherein two people who are alright by themselves, become a load of fun when they are together.  So much fun that no one would choose to miss it.  But, just one (either one) and the whole thing is…alright.

Yep, that's the way it used to be with me and Liz when we were younger.  We'd play off each other quite a bit, and everybody else would have a better time because of it.  We haven't had that dynamic in a long time -- when it came back a few weeks ago, it was pretty cool (hence the happy tears story).

~Sara

[TXSara]

Sara, you're walking a similar path to the one I walked. I rarely drink, loved to dance when I was younger, and even enjoyed pretty clothes in the wayback. Now, my life is meeting girlfriends most days where we goof and giggle. There's gardening too and that quiet, solitary time counterbalances the goofing and giggling.

Yep, I really enjoy the goofing and giggling as well.

~Sara

[TXSara]

Happy 4th of July, y'all!  (at least for those of you in the states!)

Today is a pretty emotional day for me since I lost my dad a year and a half ago.  The 4th was one of his favorite holidays.  I went into the kitchen this morning with tears streaming down my face -- my wife asked what was wrong, and I just said, "having a Poppy moment..."  That's what my kids called him.  I really miss my dad on days like this.

Here's an excerpt from the speech I gave at his funeral -- it sort of explains it:

Finally, I would like to say that Dad just genuinely liked people.  In a world where we’re always looking for the next “thing” to do, Dad was looking out for “who” he was going to visit with next.  His favorite holidays were, without a doubt, Thanksgiving and the 4th of July.  Why?  Of course, the man liked his turkey and he had a borderline unhealthy fascination with fireworks, but it was really because those holidays were totally and completely about getting people together.  No presents, no hiding eggs – just spending time cooking and being with people you love.  He kept in touch with so many people from both his present and his past.  You may have gotten a phone call on your birthday or just a random call out of the blue.  He was always looking for ways to connect.

As a kid, when I would get in trouble, my Mom would say, “You’re just like your Dad.”  She also said that I reminded her of him when I wasn’t in trouble because I was “thoughtful and kind.”  I’m not sure that I truly live up to that statement, but it definitely describes Dad.  He was very kind hearted, and I hope that someday I can feel like I have earned that description as well as he has.

My dad knew about my "issues" as a child, and he wasn't very nice about it.  He never knew that I was beginning my transition -- I hadn't opened up past my wife and kids when he died.  He thought that I had "grown out of it".  I am optimistic, though, that he would have eventually come around.

Here's to you, Dad.  I love you!

~Sara

[Oldandcreaky]

If kindness was Poppy's big rudder, he might have managed to turn his boat, no matter the momentum.

[ChrissyRyan]

Kindness goes a long, long way.

Chrissy

[TXSara]

If kindness was Poppy's big rudder, he might have managed to turn his boat, no matter the momentum.

That's what I choose to believe as well. 

You have to realize that in Southeast Texas in the 80's, there wasn't much scarier than having a gay child.  That's what he believed I was because there really wasn't a label for what I was.  It was really hard for him because we already had a second cousin (gay) who had recently died of AIDS.  He wanted to get me "help" to make it go away. 

I really think that even though he has always been pretty narrow-minded (I love him anyway), he would have found a way to be accepting.  I really was dreading that conversation a couple years ago, but now I feel like I was cheated out of the opportunity.

~Sara

[Oldandcreaky]

You might be right, Sara, about your father simply not wanting to lose his child and not just lose his child, but to the long suffering and disfigurement of AIDS in the 80s. You, Chrissy, and I all vote Poppy's kindness winning the day.

[TXSara]

I had a pretty cool night --

I got a text late last night from Lizzie letting me know that our friend Adele (from Denver) is in town for her son's baseball tournament.  When Liz graduated and moved to Boston, I still had one more semester left for my Master's degree.  Adele and I were going to the gym together and hanging out quite a bit during that time.  She's great.

We ended up meeting in downtown McKinney for dinner tonight.  It was really cool catching up -- we realized that it had been almost 25 YEARS since we had seen each other.

I sat back and thought about it, and I realized that even though I was an engineering student (probably a 5:1 guy/girl ratio), I sure had a lot of female friends.  Now, I'm like, "Duh... of course you had female friends -- you're a CHICK!"  I never really thought about it at the time, though.  Funny.

Anyway, it was a really nice visit.  It's really neat catching up with old friends you haven't thought about in years...

~Sara

[Courtney G]

(just catching up a bit here)

Sorry to hear about the trouble with that outing that you posted about. I get where you're coming from. I really wish I could meet up in person with some trans people, even though I'm closeted. Just some face time and mutual acceptance with a group like that would be so nice, I think. Maybe talking about transition stuff, identity stuff or even just "regular girl" stuff with peeps who recognize the girl in me would be so nice.

[TXSara]

Sorry to hear about the trouble with that outing that you posted about. I get where you're coming from. I really wish I could meet up in person with some trans people, even though I'm closeted. Just some face time and mutual acceptance with a group like that would be so nice, I think. Maybe talking about transition stuff, identity stuff or even just "regular girl" stuff with peeps who recognize the girl in me would be so nice.

Yeah, I used to get A LOT out of hanging out with the local transgender group.  I met some really nice people, and it gave me a safe outlet for expressing my femininity.   As time has gone on, I no longer NEED to limit myself to going to "TG-friendly" locations, and I don't feel the need to have "safety in numbers".  I think that's what I really noticed that night.

I think you would really get a lot out of a group like that if you can find one near you.  If you have to go to a larger city, you can always just get a cheaper hotel room or AirBnB.  It's definitely nice to have face-to-face conversations with people who are going through similar challenges.  We're all different, but you can usually find a few people whose stories resonate with you, you know?

~Sara

[Courtney G]

Yeah, I used to get A LOT out of hanging out with the local transgender group.  I met some really nice people, and it gave me a safe outlet for expressing my femininity.   As time has gone on, I no longer NEED to limit myself to going to "TG-friendly" locations, and I don't feel the need to have "safety in numbers".  I think that's what I really noticed that night.

I think you would really get a lot out of a group like that if you can find one near you.  If you have to go to a larger city, you can always just get a cheaper hotel room or AirBnB.  It's definitely nice to have face-to-face conversations with people who are going through similar challenges.  We're all different, but you can usually find a few people whose stories resonate with you, you know?

~Sara

I agree. I need to do this. I'm afraid, but I think it's time.

[Allison R]

I am still looking for somebody(ies) in my area to get to be around people that I don't have to hide from, and to give and to get tips, and advice, and support. Yep, it would be nice. What's gonna happen is what's gonna happen though. Just gotta keep doing, that's all. Nothing happens til ya get the sale, right?

Allison