Author Topic: Sara's Wild Ride  (Read 16334 times)

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Offline Nora Kay

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #320 on: May 20, 2022, 11:42:15 pm »
The truth is that I really don't "desire" ANYBODY right now.  Will that change?  Maybe.  Will my sexuality change with the hormones?  I don't THINK so, but who is to know at this point? 

I think that's why it hit home.  My wife has a very high libido, and I really don't.  She wants to be wanted.  She likes the idea of being lusted after.  I can't do that for her.  It makes me sad.

My wife and I had a conversation yesterday about these types of issues, and she made a different comment that left a mark.  "All these years, I thought that I had found my Prince Charming, and realize now that I was wrong.  You have always been a woman, and neither of us knew it.  I should have."

~Sara

Wow. Reading this, it seems I really have to have a conversation with my wife I did not know until now I needed. She does not tell me what she needs. She does not tell me much as far as that goes. But I never thought about it, Until now. I have to find out what she needs and what I can give her.

I am so sorry you are in this situation. I totally get not having desires right now. It may change. It changes for me. Depending on the day. One day I think I may be able to give her what she needs. Then the next I am not sure. Thing is I do desire her. Just not sure how much she desires me. But I did ask if she still wants to. And I got a yes. But she was busy and we had no time to discuss it further. So I am confused on what to do. If I got everything else could I give up that one surgery? The final one? I am not sure. Is that all she would need? I don’t know.

This is a rough one for us all in this situation. Our wives deserve so much more. They did not sign up for this. It’s so hard. Because we all know what we would do if they were never in the picture. But they are. The have a big part of our hearts. We love them as much as we can at this moment. We can’t blame them if they leave. But we don’t want them to. At the same time we want them happy. Do we love them enough to let them go. I think we know the answer. Some of us may be able to let them go and still be in our lives. Some of us won’t be able to handle seeing them with someone else. But still want them happy. Just won’t be able to watch that. We are all different here at the same time being totally different.

Much Love 💕
Nora


Today's Thoughts by Nora Kay


You can roll the boulder up the hill only so many times before you realize that, no matter how hard you push and how hard you pray, that the boulder’s going to roll back down the hill again.

I am too old to worry about who likes me and who dislikes me. I have more important things to do. If you love me, 💕 I love you. 😘  If you support me, I support you. If you hate me, I don’t care. Life goes on with or without you. 😎

Give us courage to change what we can, serenity to accept what cannot be changed, and the wisdom to know the one from the other. 🙏

Offline TXSara

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #321 on: May 21, 2022, 04:54:17 pm »
This is a rough one for us all in this situation. Our wives deserve so much more. They did not sign up for this. It’s so hard.

Yes, absolutely.  I used to feel shame about being the way I am, and now I mostly feel guilt.  My wife didn't ask for this, and she deserves to be happy.  I would like to believe that involves me, but it's possible that it does not.

We can’t blame them if they leave. But we don’t want them to. At the same time we want them happy. Do we love them enough to let them go.

I believe that I DO love her enough to let her go, although I really don't want her to.  We really don't have much attraction for each other anymore, but we have always been very close.  She is still a best friend.  I don't ever want to lose that even if we end up getting a divorce.

I think that the plan remains the same.  I would like for us to try to stay together, but we also need to plan for all eventualities.  Truthfully, I think that a separation is more a matter of "when" than "if".  I think there are two discrete events that may trigger this -- (1) when I go full time, and (2) when our youngest leaves for college.  If we make it through this next year, I think we'll probably make it for the next five.  We'll see. 

~Sara

Offline TXSara

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #322 on: May 28, 2022, 03:46:03 pm »
So, yesterday was another first for me.  I went out clothes shopping with my youngest daughter (as Sara).  This was the first time she has gone out in public with me in girl mode, so it was pretty significant for me.  Interestingly enough, it didn't seem to faze her at all.  We had a good time, and each of us came home with some things we liked.

If you remember, I was much more concerned about my youngest daughter than my oldest.  My older daughter is (for some weird reason) really pumped up about the idea of having a transgender dad.  She has been a cheerleader for the past 2+ years.  My younger daughter was quite a bit more apprehensive, but she seems to be handling things really well now.  I'm happy about that.

----------------------------
On a separate note, I finally got my Aggie ring back, and it is PERFECT.  It fits like a glove!



~Sara

Online Maid Marion

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #323 on: May 28, 2022, 04:21:46 pm »
Hi Sara,

Thanks for posting the great news!

Marion

Offline ImAllie

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #324 on: May 28, 2022, 10:22:22 pm »
Congrats on the successful outing!!

And the ring looks great!!

Love,
Allie

Offline RandiL

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #325 on: May 28, 2022, 10:56:01 pm »
Hi Sara,

I just read back through your posts since March. Hard roller coaster you and your wife are riding. My best wishes for you to get through it in the best way possible.

Interestingly I had a consultation with a surgeon in Denver the same day as your Facial Team consult, and then I had a session with Dr. Bellinga of Facial Team the next week.

I would aim for January. I am a contract worker and I will work until the end of the year, and then retire.

I, too, like the team approach. The Denver surgeon can't possibly be as good in all areas. And it would be a long day for him.

I'll be interested to hear more about your decision process and how things go if you do it in November.

Thanks
Rayna

My smartphone thinks it's smarter than me. It's probably right.

Forging my new, best life as Rayna

My personal blog thread: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

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Offline TXSara

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #326 on: May 29, 2022, 07:09:53 am »
I just read back through your posts since March. Hard roller coaster you and your wife are riding. My best wishes for you to get through it in the best way possible.

Wow, Rayna...  you must be a glutton for punishment!  That's a lot of yammering for you to read through  ;D

To be honest, I'm not completely sure that my blog posts give a full and accurate description of what is going on with me and my wife.  I only need to vent when things aren't going well or when some specific event happens.  Most of the time, we're sort of in the middle part of the roller coaster where the peaks and valleys aren't too high or low.

Lately, we're settling into a reasonably comfortable situation where we are remaining married, but with a bit more distance.  It's almost like we have replaced a rigid attachment with a little bungee cord -- we're still attached, and we're still affected by each other, but not to the level we were previously.  I'm really independent, so that's the way I want to live anyway.  She generally is NOT very independent, but she's getting to where she likes that freedom.

We'll see.  It's a week-to-week (or even day-to-day) thing.  We're in an OK place right now, though.

Interestingly I had a consultation with a surgeon in Denver the same day as your Facial Team consult, and then I had a session with Dr. Bellinga of Facial Team the next week.

How did you like Dr. Bellinga?  I was supposed to talk with him originally, but ended up speaking with Dr. Gutierrez.  I'm not sure how much I'll see of Dr. Bellinga since he's really the "soft tissue" guy, and I'm not getting much done there (no rhinoplasty).  He may be involved with my upper blepharoplasty, but I'm not sure.

I, too, like the team approach. The Denver surgeon can't possibly be as good in all areas. And it would be a long day for him.

Yeah, when you start thinking about FFS as a collection of completely disparate surgeries that just "happen" to be done at the same time, it becomes a no-brainer to prefer the team approach.  That's really what this is, but we continue to talk about FFS as being one surgery.  One of these days, we may see a team of U.S. surgeons that can put their egos aside and do things a smarter way.  Until then, two weeks in beautiful Marbella doesn't sound too bad!

I'll definitely let everyone know how things go in November.  The surgery date is set for November 23rd, the day before Thanksgiving.  Amazingly, I'm not all that nervous about it yet.

I'm MORE nervous about the fact that I believe that this will be the discrete event that pushes me into full-time female presentation / name change.  I'm not necessarily "worried", but there's always that fear of the unknown.  I also REALLY don't want to have to wear a wig, and I'm not sure I'll be ready to go without one at that point.  That makes me a little apprehensive.

Thanks for taking the time to get caught up!  I hope it wasn't a boring read!

~Sara

Offline RandiL

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #327 on: May 29, 2022, 08:04:29 am »
Not boring at all! And I love the back and forth discussions on Susan's.

I will always have to wear a wig or a hat. I like my hair, but the bald spot on top is too big to fill in with transplants. I'm happy for you to have a chance at that.

My smartphone thinks it's smarter than me. It's probably right.

Forging my new, best life as Rayna

My personal blog thread: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randi's HRT Journal


Offline Courtney G

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #328 on: May 29, 2022, 08:07:47 pm »
The ring is gorgeous, lady!! Congratulations. And SUCH good news about the younger daughter. Fingers crossed that the "new" relationship continues to develop.

Offline TXSara

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #329 on: May 29, 2022, 08:29:47 pm »
My daughter had her end-of-year dance production last night.  She is now in one of the more advanced ballet classes, and she is "on pointe" for most of her dance.  I'm amazed that she doesn't hurt her feet doing that stuff!

Anyway, she was beautiful and graceful.  I was very proud.

------------------------------------
I'm noticing some interesting things with strangers who are catching on to the fact that I am transgender when I'm presenting male.  Many of these people are trying to be supportive, but it sometimes sort of comes off as a little patronizing.  Does anyone else feel that?  It's almost like they feel like I'm struggling and that I need a pick-me-up. 

The specific thing that just happened was at a drive-thru (I was in male mode).  The server at the window had a huge smile plastered to her face and said, "Here you go, gorgeous" as she gave me my food.  She wasn't hitting on me.  It was a little weird.  I think it was her little way to say, "I know you're trans, and I'm cool with it".  I guess I'll take it, but I'd rather people just treat me normally, you know?

~Sara


Offline RandiL

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #330 on: May 29, 2022, 09:15:43 pm »
I wore my trans heart earrings again today. A staff member at Home Depot said, "I love your earrings" with a big smile. She had a purple streak in her hair and could easily have been LGBTQ herself but didn't say so. I thanked her with a smile of my own. She was super helpful too, so I guess I'll take it.

A guy at a drive through recently (I was androgynous) called me buddy about 5 times which seemed excessive. I took it that he clocked me and wasn't supportive.

I would rather have the smiling interactions.

My smartphone thinks it's smarter than me. It's probably right.
« Last Edit: May 30, 2022, 01:13:04 pm by RandiL »
Forging my new, best life as Rayna

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Offline TXSara

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #331 on: June 02, 2022, 08:39:05 pm »
We took in a stray cat about a month ago.  He is really sweet, and he's (we'd guess) around 6 months old.

It's time to get the poor guy neutered, so I took him into the vet a couple days ago for his pre-op bloodwork.  Oliver (the cat) was not liking the vet one bit.  He was pretty pissed at me for taking him.  I know this because that little turkey decided to come take a dump on top of my bed that night... WITH ME IN IT!  I woke up to scratching on the bedspread (at least he has the decency to try to cover it up, LOL).  Thanks a lot, jerk.  I spent the next couple hours washing sheets / bedspread.

I dropped him off this morning for the surgery.  I'm still not happy about the bedspread incident, but I can't help but feel for the little guy.  I told him, "It isn't that bad... some of us do this to ourselves on purpose!  ;D)

--------------------------------------------------------
I'm heading down to Houston with the kids tomorrow to visit my Stepmom and older sister.  My wife is staying back because she has a side gig on Saturdays at one of the shops in downtown McKinney doing Tarot readings.  She likes it, and she doesn't like traveling the state to visit my family.  This also gives her some alone time with her "friend".  That's fine... I'm over it.

Anyway, while we're there, the kids want to go to the beach in Galveston.  It is pretty well known by now that I'm not pumped up about bathing suits this summer, but I'm going to be brave and put on my new one-piece.  This will be my first time out in public with a women's bathing suit, so I'm sort of nervous about it.  I think it's awesome that the girls don't have any problem with this at all.

Here's what makes me nervous:
  • There's nowhere to hide in a bathing suit, folks
  • I can't wear my wig to the beach
  • You don't generally wear makeup to the beach

I'm really nervous that I'm going to look like "dude in a women's bathing suit".  There's a first time for everything, and it seems like I'm hitting "firsts" at a pretty regular pace these days.

Wish me luck!

~Sara

Offline RandiL

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #332 on: June 03, 2022, 12:13:16 am »
Good luck Sara! I have the same problem about hair. When scuba diving I wore a swim cap. Lots of women do that.

Enjoy your time in your bathing suit. I'm thinking I'll wear feminine shorts and a rash guard top when I get ready to go.

My smartphone thinks it's smarter than me. It's probably right.

Forging my new, best life as Rayna

My personal blog thread: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randi's HRT Journal


Offline Allison R

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #333 on: June 03, 2022, 04:04:33 am »
Sara, that there is some courage and self confidence. You got this. And you'll be beautiful. Your daughters will be there with you for moral support. Wow. Have fun today.

Allison
I have always known I would have been happier and lived a better life if I were born a woman, I just didn't know that that is the literal definition of the word transgender.

If you're not moving forward, you're moving backwards.

Be tougher on yourself than anyone else is, love yourself more than anyone else does, and if there is something you don't want to do at all, best if you do it right now.

Offline TXSara

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #334 on: June 03, 2022, 07:00:57 am »
Good luck Sara! I have the same problem about hair. When scuba diving I wore a swim cap. Lots of women do that.

Thanks!  My "hair solution" is to wear one of those big straw floppy hats to the beach.  I think it'll work until I actually get in the water -- at that point, not many people will be seeing me anyway.

Sara, that there is some courage and self confidence. You got this. And you'll be beautiful. Your daughters will be there with you for moral support. Wow. Have fun today.

I'm finding that the self confidence is coming along nicely by forcing myself into awkward situations, finding that the sun still comes up the next morning, then realizing it wasn't that bad.  I'm hoping that this will be similar.

~Sara

Offline JennyIsMe

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #335 on: June 03, 2022, 08:53:40 am »
I just read through this and got caught up...love reading these types of journeys, and you are truly inspiring me as I embark on my own!

Offline JamieH

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #336 on: June 03, 2022, 05:51:57 pm »


Anyway, while we're there, the kids want to go to the beach in Galveston.  It is pretty well known by now that I'm not pumped up about bathing suits this summer, but I'm going to be brave and put on my new one-piece.  This will be my first time out in public with a women's bathing suit, so I'm sort of nervous about it.  I think it's awesome that the girls don't have any problem with this at all.

Here's what makes me nervous:
  • There's nowhere to hide in a bathing suit, folks
  • I can't wear my wig to the beach
  • You don't generally wear makeup to the beach

I'm really nervous that I'm going to look like "dude in a women's bathing suit".  There's a first time for everything, and it seems like I'm hitting "firsts" at a pretty regular pace these days.

Wish me luck!

~Sara

A sarong/cover up might come in handy.  Your confidence is inspiring, whatever you choose to do.  Go girl!

Offline Susannah

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #337 on: June 03, 2022, 07:27:32 pm »
Thanks!  My "hair solution" is to wear one of those big straw floppy hats to the beach.  I think it'll work until I actually get in the water -- at that point, not many people will be seeing me anyway.

I'm finding that the self confidence is coming along nicely by forcing myself into awkward situations, finding that the sun still comes up the next morning, then realizing it wasn't that bad.  I'm hoping that this will be similar.

~Sara

Sara, I am so happy for you.  You will be fine.  Good luck.

Offline TXSara

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #338 on: June 06, 2022, 04:04:06 pm »
I just read through this and got caught up...love reading these types of journeys, and you are truly inspiring me as I embark on my own!

Thanks so much, Jenny!  I'm hoping that the "Chronicles of Sara" end up being a feel good story rather than a cautionary tale!!

A sarong/cover up might come in handy.  Your confidence is inspiring, whatever you choose to do.  Go girl!

Yep, the cover-up helped a LOT when I wasn't getting in the water (as did the floppy hat).

---------------------------------------------------

OK, so I'm back from my trip down to Houston.  It was a really nice visit.  We stayed at my stepmom's place in Dickinson, which is only about 20 miles from the Gulf.  Since the girls were really excited to go to the beach, I mustered up all the confidence I could find and headed down there in girl mode.  Here are some pictures we took on the beach:




The third picture was after my daughters made me do a bunch of silly poses -- they were cracking up the whole time.

As you can see, I don't have much up top right now (especially when wearing a pretty tight bathing suit).  It's pretty obvious that I still have a pretty "mannish" body, so I was pretty worried about getting out there like that.  I felt OK when I had my hat, sunglasses, and cover-up on, but there's nowhere to hide when you get into the water.

After all of this, guess what?  The sun came up the next morning.  The world didn't come to an end.  In fact, even though I was completely exposed in the most conservative part of one of the most conservative states in the U.S., nobody was ugly.  Nobody even batted an eye.  Fantastic.

Just like I hoped, this ended up being not as bad as I imagined it might be.

~Sara

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #339 on: June 06, 2022, 04:23:16 pm »
@TXSara
Dear Sara:
Thank you for sharing your terrific pictures of your fun at the beach.

Even without the cover-up or floppy hat it did not appear to me like you would have
any difficulties passing....
   .... plus, you were with other females... all having fun...
    ******there is safety in numbers!!!

I really doubt that anyone would think that you were anything other than another
woman on the beach with her daughters.

Again Sara, thank you for sharing your passing success in a swimsuit on the beach.
     P.S.   I love your painted toenails.... blue!!!!!
HUGS,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 42

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