Author Topic: Sara's Wild Ride  (Read 25716 times)

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Offline ImAllie

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #560 on: September 18, 2022, 10:50:06 pm »
Hey Sara - sending a virtual hug your way!

Hopefully your daughters won't ultimately fall for it, even if they buy in emotionally for a bit. They're teens, after all... their moods are like the breeze! I'm sure it hurts regardless, though, so hopefully you can weather it.

Plus, as long as you don't mirror your wife's behavior, you can feel good that you're at least giving your daughters a role model of how to behave towards another person, especially a family member, in times of crisis. Whether they know it or not they'll lock that away for later in life. 

Hang in there!

Love,
Allie

Offline SoCal_Holly

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #561 on: September 19, 2022, 03:46:57 am »

Offline jennifer7020

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #562 on: September 19, 2022, 07:05:01 am »
Hey Sara,

First and foremost add my small voice to a loud chorus of support from everyone on susans.  Hopefully the chorus is like and aggies yell to you.

Truth be told, I've tried to comment a few times about your situation.  My own parents fought a long proxy war via me and my sibs after their divorce. It left us screwed up in ways I cannot explain. It is just too freaking painful to revisit or put on paper.  So I speak from experience on a few levels. I am your biggest fan for the hard work you seemingly put in to keep your marriage and family together. Sounds like you already know not to suss her to your kids; you might want to remind her in no uncertain terms to do the same. Nothing good comes of parents bad mouthing parents.  My kids are in their 20s and they've put some hard limits in about what can and can't be talked about. Your and yours may want to hash out limits too. I get the sense you are an A++ parent, so no need to harp on this much.

Good luck working it out.

Jenn
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Offline TXSara

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #563 on: September 19, 2022, 07:37:03 am »
My dad was married before my mom.  He had 2 daughters.  One he never spoke to after her teenage years, and the other called on Father's Day and Christmas and that's it.  One didn't even show up to his funeral.  All because his ex wife couldn't be a decent human and not demonize my dad.  FWIW, my dad was the most selfless person who did nothing but sacrifice for everyone. 

This has been my biggest fear since the beginning of my transition.  I was feeling pretty good on that front until very recently.  I really don't think my wife was MEANING to demonize me.  I think she was irritated and just blowing off steam.  The problem right now is that everyone is very sensitive.  It's a really unstable time right now for two reasons:
  • Kristin has decided that she wants a divorce, but we don't really know what that means in the short term
  • I am about 2-3 months away from full-time presentation, name change, etc., and that is an upheaval as well

After spending a lot of time thinking about this, I really think that what is going on with my daughter has very little to do with what my wife said.  I think it is about her trying to punish me for what is going on with the family.  I don't know whether she blames me for it or not, but she doesn't want Mom and Dad to divorce.  She is using the only lever she has to try to modulate our behaviors.  By giving me the "ice queen" treatment, she is trying to make all of this stop.  What she doesn't (or maybe does) understand is that she is hitting me in my most sensitive location:  fear of rejection and abandonment from my wife and kids.

I am a pretty independent person, and I really don't ask for or need help from people very often.  My relationship with my wife / kids has been almost all "give" and very little "take" because I really don't need much.  Now that I am really needing them, I feel like I'm being left in the cold.  If my daughter tried to "ice me out" a year ago, I would have blown it off -- now, since I'm so sensitive to the idea of being left alone, it cuts pretty deep.

~Sara


Offline JennyIsMe

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #564 on: September 19, 2022, 01:46:02 pm »
Sara, I am on the edge of my seat here, in large part because I feel my situation will in many ways mirror yours. I read with hope that your spouse and children were supportive, and hoped it was working out for all involved.

i expect my spouse will use the kids against me, not just a hunch, she's intimated as much long before i ever even came out to her, about other issues...so...i can relate, and it sucks. only hope i have is, as they are getting older, they are smarter and i've long pushed them to take in all sides of the story and form their own opinion.

anywho...yours is one i always have to read on a daily, and i am sorry things have not been so upbeat lately

sending hugs from the northeast

Offline TXSara

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #565 on: September 19, 2022, 08:24:19 pm »
anywho...yours is one i always have to read on a daily, and i am sorry things have not been so upbeat lately

Thanks, Jenny!

Don't worry about me.  I'll bounce back.  Just watch  ;D

It has been a tough couple weeks, but I had a good discussion with my daughter today.  I told her that I was in a really insecure time and that I really needed to feel like they (the girls) wouldn't be abandoning me.  I have never been someone who lives with fear of abandonment, but that fear exists all the time right now.  She told me that she "would never do that... unless I decided to murder someone... then she might." LOL

I also talked with my wife about us trying really hard not to criticize each other in front of the kids.  She was really apologetic about what happened with my daughter.  I don't think she meant anything by it -- she was just blowing off steam.  I'm sure I do it too.  We'll both have to do better.

Since my wife now wants a divorce instead of a post-nuptial agreement, I actually think it will be a bit easier from a legal standpoint.  I'm glad that I never actually put the lawyer on retainer because I now feel pretty confident that we can get through all of this with just mediation.  There are a lot of details to work through, but I feel like this will all work out.

~Sara

Offline SoCal_Holly

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #566 on: September 20, 2022, 04:47:11 am »
Sara:

Glad you are making progress and moving forward.

Give them (and yourself) time to process everything. You all have to go through the four stages of grieving. Everyone’s  timeline getting through these stages is not the same.

Wishing you and your family all the best !

Hugs,

Holly

Offline TXSara

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #567 on: September 20, 2022, 02:58:44 pm »
I have some updated blood levels since I'm about to see my doctor:

Things are looking pretty good.  I definitely can't complain.


                Estradiol   Estrone   Testosterone  |  Estradiol   Estrone   Testosterone
                  pg/mL      pg/mL        ng/dL     |    pmol/L     pmol/L      nmol/L

    Pre-HRT       21.7         ??           478     |      79.7         ??       16.6
 6    Weeks       71.9        560            21     |     263.9     2071.2        0.7
 3   Months       61.3       1128             9     |     225.0     4172.0        0.3
 4.5 Months      312.0         95             8     |    1145.4      351.4        0.3
 7.5 Months      182.0         89             3     |     668.1      329.2        0.1
10.5 Months      168.0         ??            11     |     616.7         ??        0.4


Here's the background info on all of these readings:

  • First 6 weeks was oral Estradiol twice a day
  • At the 6 week point, we switched to sublingual in an attempt to lower the estrone levels.
  • At the 3 month point, the estrone levels were getting out of hand, so we switched to IM injection.
  • At the 4.5 month point, my doctor lowered my estradiol by one half because 312 was a bit too high
  • At the 7.5 month point, we lowered my spironolactone dosage by one half because we felt like we could afford to decrease the dosage without my testosterone levels going too high.

I also went on a crazy "B12 blitz" over the past 3 months trying to get my red blood cell and hemoglobin counts up.  It looks like it has worked -- I'm now back in the "normal" range for RBC, MCV, and Hemoglobin.  I think I overachieved on my B12 level, though LOL.  I'm now WAY out of bounds on the high side.  This makes me happy, though, because I was worried that the sublingual B12 wasn't going to work and that I would need to take monthly injections.  Hooray!  I'll just take it down a notch and see if I can't find a sweet spot that will keep everything in balance.

It's nice having blood tests every 3 months -- I don't like getting poked all the time, but I DO like having the ability to make changes to my vitamin intakes and quickly see the results.

~Sara


Offline TXSara

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #568 on: September 22, 2022, 03:33:55 pm »
I had a brief phone call with a local mediator today.  After talking with her for about 20 minutes, I feel pretty good about going the mediation route vs. getting a lawyer.  My wife and are both fairly agreeable, and neither of us wants to hurt the other.  I'm sure there are bound to be some sticking points, but I'll bet that we can work through them with the mediator.

Here's how it will end up working:

First, the mediator will schedule a call with my wife so that she can discuss the same things we did today.  At that point, we'll schedule a two-hour meeting where all three of us are together to talk about some of the details. 

After that meeting, we will file for divorce.  In Texas, you must wait 61 days between filing and putting the mediated settlement in front of a judge.  We'll try to time it so that we are still married at the end of the year in order to minimize the issues with this year's taxes.

After filing, we'll each have a separate 2-hour meeting with the mediator to discuss our personal wants/needs, then we'll have a full day mediation session to hammer out all of the details.  At that point, all of the legal documents will be drawn up, we'll sign, and then we'll put it all in front of the judge.

I'm hopeful that the process works well for us.  I think that I'll probably hold off on any legal name changes until after all of this goes through.  I was originally hoping to get that process started in December, but I may hold off for a couple months just to make all of the paperwork associated with the divorce a bit smoother.

I'm getting to be in a better mood about all of this -- I already felt like it was a matter of "when" and not "if" she would want a divorce.  Having everything come to a head is actually removing some anxiety from my life.  It's nice having a little more certainty.

~Sara

Offline TXSara

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #569 on: September 22, 2022, 04:13:30 pm »
Last night was my monthly meetup with my transgender friends.  I had missed (I think) three months in a row for one reason or another, so it was nice seeing everyone.

As soon as I got there, people were coming up to me and giving me hugs because (I now realize) some of them read my blog.  Y'all can join up, you know... you don't have to lurk LOL!  I'm looking at you, Stephanie!

Anyway, I was really appreciative of all the moral support I was getting.  My friend Adrienne is also going through a divorce, so we talked a bit about how that is going.  There were a couple new girls, so it was nice getting to know them as well.

Here are a few pics from last night.  I was feeling a little confident, so I went with the backless dress.  Too bad I don't have the boobs to fill it out LOL.  I got to learn the joys of "boob tape" for keeping the girls in place, but that just made me look even more flat-chested than I already am!


This is me and my friend Claire


This is me, Tess, and Stephanie

~Sara

PS -- I'm super excited for tomorrow.  I'm going to see a stylist for a consultation about coming up with a plan of action to get me from where I am today to (eventually) going without a wig.  I'm looking forward to it.  My best guess right now is that we'll want to do some extensions and maybe a "fringe" topper that just covers up the front area.  We'll see.  She may think I can just go with my bio hair in the front as long as we cut some bangs.


Offline ImAllie

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #570 on: September 22, 2022, 09:20:33 pm »
Last night was my monthly meetup with my transgender friends.  I had missed (I think) three months in a row for one reason or another, so it was nice seeing everyone.

As soon as I got there, people were coming up to me and giving me hugs because (I now realize) some of them read my blog.  Y'all can join up, you know... you don't have to lurk LOL!  I'm looking at you, Stephanie!

Anyway, I was really appreciative of all the moral support I was getting.  My friend Adrienne is also going through a divorce, so we talked a bit about how that is going.  There were a couple new girls, so it was nice getting to know them as well.

Here are a few pics from last night.  I was feeling a little confident, so I went with the backless dress.  Too bad I don't have the boobs to fill it out LOL.  I got to learn the joys of "boob tape" for keeping the girls in place, but that just made me look even more flat-chested than I already am!


This is me and my friend Claire


This is me, Tess, and Stephanie

~Sara

PS -- I'm super excited for tomorrow.  I'm going to see a stylist for a consultation about coming up with a plan of action to get me from where I am today to (eventually) going without a wig.  I'm looking forward to it.  My best guess right now is that we'll want to do some extensions and maybe a "fringe" topper that just covers up the front area.  We'll see.  She may think I can just go with my bio hair in the front as long as we cut some bangs.

Wow Sara!  You (and your friends too!) all look incredible!  So glad you got to see them… I’m sure it was nice to catch up with them!

What’s surprising to me is that, despite all the horrible, horrible stuff you’ve been telling me about each of them via private messages… they all look like very nice gals! (That should help you flush out some more lurkers! 😘)

Good luck with the consultation!!!

Love,
Allie

Offline TXSara

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #571 on: September 23, 2022, 02:35:33 pm »
I'm smiling from ear to ear because my consultation with the stylist went really well.  It looks like we have a good plan that will let me lose the wig VERY soon.

I chose Zoya because she specializes in dealing with women who have some sort of hair loss that they are trying to overcome.  She generally doesn't take on any clients that don't need any sort of "help".  I figure if she's dealing with women with androgenetic alopecia all day, my problem must be right up her alley.

Here are some things that she had to say:
  • I have a high forehead, but that is just the way I was born.  This really has nothing to do with hair loss, and a lot of women with this problem just go for bangs.  I already knew this, but I would still like to see if there's a way to lower this some.
  • I have some loss of density up top, but she would prefer for me to go with something like "Toppik" or scalp micropigmentation than to use a topper.  She thinks we can get a really good look with just styling and a little cover-up for the scalp.
  • She thinks I definitely need some extensions in the short term, and she wouldn't suggest going very long with them.  It would be done more for a little added density and to cover the area in front where my bio-hair isn't as long. We're talking about going just below my shoulder, which is only an extra 2-3" of length in the back.
  • I told her that I have been working with Dr. Lam, and she had a lot of really nice things to say about him.
  • I also told her that I have Margie (my wig lady) looking for toppers for me, and she thought that a topper would be fine in this transition period between now and when I want to go full-time.  She said she would love to do the styling to get it to blend right with my bio-hair.

Anyway, I'm perfectly cool with this plan. 

Margie previously ordered a couple different toppers that she thinks will work for me, and I'll go see if either of them work as soon as they come in next week.  I'll buy one, get Zoya to style it, and I'll be able to wear it for the next 3 months.

Around Christmas, I'll go in to see Zoya for my more permanent solution, which is to cut bangs and get some extensions.  I think it'll look great, and I'm really excited about it.

Just like anything else transition-related, this stuff is expensive.  I had no idea that extensions cost so dang much.  Wow.  I think I'm going to go with fusion extensions so that they'll be easier to hide.  I'd like to be able to pull my hair up without being self-conscious about it.  Yay!

~Sara


Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #572 on: September 23, 2022, 03:18:54 pm »
@TXSara
Dear Sara:
I am happy to read your report regarding your stylist as it relates to the hair on your head and some of the solutions that she suggested.   It sounds to me like you found the right person to help you successfully deal with the appearance of your hair.

I will be eagerly looking for your updates as you feel comfortable sharing them.
As always... my best wishes go out to you.
HUGS,
Danielle
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Offline TXSara

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #573 on: September 23, 2022, 04:09:53 pm »
It sounds to me like you found the right person to help you successfully deal with the appearance of your hair.

Yes, I think I have.  I believe that this is going to work out pretty well.

-----------------

So, there's a LOT going on in my world right now.  I'm pretty darned busy, which is probably a good thing because it keeps my mind off of feeling rejected by my wife. 

Anyway, there are two more developments to report today:

First, my youngest daughter and I are going to get our ears pierced together tonight.  She had hers pierced previously, but they closed up (because she didn't take care of them correctly... SHAME).  She wants to have hers redone, so we're turning it into a girl-bonding experience LOL.  I'm looking forward to it.  I figure I better do it now because I'll have to take all jewelry off when I go in for surgery in 2 months.  I figure if we do it today, there will be enough healing time where taking the earrings out for 1-2 days won't hurt much.

Second, my wife had a conversation with the mediator today, and she liked what Denise (the mediator) had to say.  We went ahead and scheduled a 2-hour meeting next Wednesday to start the process in earnest.  I'm not happy about having to go through a divorce.  If I have to do it, though, I want to make it fast and painless.  I'm glad we're getting the ball rolling.

~Sara

Offline Zoeytgtx

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #574 on: September 25, 2022, 12:23:05 am »
Does that mean I get to see your new hair look next month?

Zoey

Offline ImAllie

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #575 on: September 25, 2022, 07:42:24 am »
Yes, I think I have.  I believe that this is going to work out pretty well.

-----------------

So, there's a LOT going on in my world right now.  I'm pretty darned busy, which is probably a good thing because it keeps my mind off of feeling rejected by my wife. 

Anyway, there are two more developments to report today:

First, my youngest daughter and I are going to get our ears pierced together tonight.  She had hers pierced previously, but they closed up (because she didn't take care of them correctly... SHAME).  She wants to have hers redone, so we're turning it into a girl-bonding experience LOL.  I'm looking forward to it.  I figure I better do it now because I'll have to take all jewelry off when I go in for surgery in 2 months.  I figure if we do it today, there will be enough healing time where taking the earrings out for 1-2 days won't hurt much.

Second, my wife had a conversation with the mediator today, and she liked what Denise (the mediator) had to say.  We went ahead and scheduled a 2-hour meeting next Wednesday to start the process in earnest.  I'm not happy about having to go through a divorce.  If I have to do it, though, I want to make it fast and painless.  I'm glad we're getting the ball rolling.

~Sara

It’s weird to call the beginning of the dissolution of a marriage “good news” Sara, but this sounds like it is… with your wife seeming to be ready to deal with the mediation process and handle things civilly, you’re hopeful on the way to, ironically, keeping your family and its relationships together as best you can — even though the marriage itself will be over.

Love,
Allie

Offline TXSara

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #576 on: September 25, 2022, 09:14:20 am »
Does that mean I get to see your new hair look next month?

Sure does!  I'll likely be going with the topper for the next 3 months, then I'll switch over to losing the wigs FOREVER!  HOORAY!

---------

After Zoya told me she thinks that I should deal with my lack of density up top with either Toppik or scalp micropigmentation, I went out and started researching people in Dallas who do SMP. 

I can't see myself using fibers.  I don't want to shake junk on my head.  That just seems like a gross disaster in the making.  What happens when you sweat?  When it rains?  When you (like I ALWAYS do) run your fingers through your hair?  Nope.  Not a good option for me.

Anyway, I found someone locally who specializes in SMP.  He has a lot of really good reviews online, so I think it's worth getting a consultation.  We'll see -- I have an appointment for Friday afternoon.

~Sara

Offline TXSara

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #577 on: September 25, 2022, 09:22:07 am »
It’s weird to call the beginning of the dissolution of a marriage “good news” Sara, but this sounds like it is… with your wife seeming to be ready to deal with the mediation process and handle things civilly, you’re hopeful on the way to, ironically, keeping your family and its relationships together as best you can — even though the marriage itself will be over.

I think your assessment is pretty much right on.

Look.  I really love my wife.  I always will.  I want her to be happy.  If that means breaking the marriage ties to let her explore other options, then that's what I'm going to do.  I believe that she knows I feel this way, so the trust is still there between us.  I'm very hopeful that we'll get to the end of all this as very close girlfriends who share a love of our two daughters and have a great deal of personal affection for each other.

We'll see how things go as we start this process, but I'm very hopeful still.  This is going to hurt me quite a bit financially, but I'm looking at it as helping her achieve independence (a positive) rather than setting me back on retirement a few years (a negative).  Glass half full...

~Sara

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #578 on: September 26, 2022, 10:08:33 pm »
Hey, Sara.
Sorry I haven't been around. I've been on my own roller coaster. I just wanted to pop in and show my support. I'm glad that you appear to have found a path forward and yeah, sadly, it does look like splitting for good is for the best.

Please don't hesitate to reach out of you want to chat!

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Re: Sara's Wild Ride
« Reply #579 on: September 27, 2022, 08:32:55 am »
Hi Sara,

Wow, lots going on down there in TX. 

Happy to read about your stylist and a chance to move past wigs! 

The divorce is difficult but it sounds like that is the only reasonable pathway for you and your wife.  It seems like it is progressing in a non-acrimonious way though.  I wish you the very best! 

Brooke

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