Topic: Lost my daughters to transitioning😥

[Rebecca28]

Ladies,

Along my transition I expected to lose some friends.. which I did.. but now my daughters want nothing to do with me.. they were very accepting at first and now are gone. I believe my x is behind this. I am very sad by their loss. It’s surreal. I hope some day they return.. I don’t know if that will ever happen.  Fortunately I have a good support group around me. I am determined to live my best life and not become another statistic. It feels like they suddenly died!! It’s unbelievable. I have a good therapist fortunately. Life keeps moving on as each day I get more and more comfortable in my skin. Wanted to share my sadness. I am far from the only one I know. They are 18 & 19. As they mature maybe things will change. I don’t know. Hugs, Rebecca

[Northern Star Girl]

@Rebecca28
Dear Rebecca:
I am so very sad to read what you wrote about regarding your daughters.
Obviously it will be important for you to keep your therapist in the loop...
and perhaps schedule some additional sessions.

Sending you many hugs and hearts!!!!   
Danielle

[Dorit]

I am sorry to hear this.  One always hears about how the younger generations are so accepting, but it is not always the case.  While I did not loose my children in transition, I did lose a daughter in law.  If if it is any consolation, I know three CIS women who "lost" their post teen children and it had nothing to do with gender issues.   I hope your daughters reconcile soon,  all we can do is keep the door open.

[Chloe]

As they mature maybe things will change.

       Hang tight, your right prolly just the age, and they'll come around! Mine are now 21 and 23, son and daughter respectively, and while he doesn't like to see or talk 'bout it much (or so I'm told), surprisingly daughter-in-law, not to mention her grandmother, are most supportive of all.
       Have been trying to convince daughter and kids to come home but "ex", who's camped here as well, is also IN THE WAY any chance of a truce between you and yours?

[Rakel]

I am in a similar situation. I have two sons and only one is accepting. I hope that the non-accepting son will have a change of heart, but I will not push the issue, but I will always keep the door open.

This is, in my opinion, the biggest non-financial cost to transitioning. I considered this to be a possibility before I made the decision to transition. I accepted the possibility of losing everyone. I am thankful for the one son who is accepting.

[Pammie]

Ladies,

Along my transition I expected to lose some friends.. which I did.. but now my daughters want nothing to do with me.. they were very accepting at first and now are gone. I believe my x is behind this. I am very sad by their loss. It’s surreal. I hope some day they return.. I don’t know if that will ever happen.  Fortunately I have a good support group around me. I am determined to live my best life and not become another statistic. It feels like they suddenly died!! It’s unbelievable. I have a good therapist fortunately. Life keeps moving on as each day I get more and more comfortable in my skin. Wanted to share my sadness. I am far from the only one I know. They are 18 & 19. As they mature maybe things will change. I don’t know. Hugs, Rebecca

How did you break the news initially? Have you suggested some joint counselling? My younger daughter had lots of problems / challenges but we are in a pretty good place now. Talking is absolutely the key if possible.
Wishing you lots of luck and success xx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Jessica_Rose]

It's unfortunate that allowing ourselves to become who we were meant to be also means losing some of the people in our lives. When I decided to move forward I realized it could come at the cost of my friends and everyone I loved. When you expect to lose everyone, each person who stays feels like a major victory. In the end, I only lost one sister-in-law and her family, along with a few acquaintances -- true friends will always stay by your side. More importantly, my wife and daughters also stayed with me. For one daughter it was as if nothing but my name and pronouns changed. My oldest daughter had been drifting away for a few years, but now our relationship is better than ever -- she sees me as a completely different person. My wife struggled with it for a long time, but finally realized I had become a better version of the person she fell in love with all those years ago.

It's hard to predict how people in our lives will react. Time sometimes allows wounds to heal. Expect the worst, and celebrate each small victory. It's not your fault that you want to be happy. If anything, those who leave you are at fault for not supporting your quest for happiness and truth.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Rachel]

Hi, my daughter at first was very unaccepting. She was almost 18 at the time. We have gone on two trips since then and hike in the park when it is cool out. We also eat out occasionally and text often.

She never told her friends and is entitled to have a life however she wants it to be. In this case she keeps me in the closet from her perspective.

I have a girlfriend and I have not disclosed that to my daughter. Not that I am hiding the relationship but I am entitled to my life too.

Rachel

[Chloe]

, , very unaccepting. She was almost 18 at the time . . have not disclosed that to my daughter.

Well then, it's OFFICIAL . . .

Definitely The Age!

. . . and hopefully, the "teen thing" will be short-lived? Want me to remain "non-transitioned"? How to tell daughter am very drawn toward her boyfriends "niece" who, being 6' foot TALL as me is, according to FB "status", yet "engaged" to another girl?

(ps: lol highly doubt FtM, I'd find her "body dysphoria" to be rather delightful!)

[Rebecca28]

Ladies,

Thank you for your responses. It’s so surreal. I will get through this
And live my best life despite my grief and loss. Hugs, Rebecca

[Anastasia]

I have managed young men in this age bracket for 30 years in a retail setting. Many I hired at 17, 18 as irresponsible jerks that barely did the job. As they mature, I saw many become decent young men with hope for a good future. Give them time. The next couple of years you will (hopefully) see lots of positive changes.

[JessicaNicole]

Ladies,

Along my transition I expected to lose some friends.. which I did.. but now my daughters want nothing to do with me.. they were very accepting at first and now are gone. I believe my x is behind this. I am very sad by their loss. It’s surreal. I hope some day they return.. I don’t know if that will ever happen.  Fortunately I have a good support group around me. I am determined to live my best life and not become another statistic. It feels like they suddenly died!! It’s unbelievable. I have a good therapist fortunately. Life keeps moving on as each day I get more and more comfortable in my skin. Wanted to share my sadness. I am far from the only one I know. They are 18 & 19. As they mature maybe things will change. I don’t know. Hugs, Rebecca

This is one of my biggest fears Rebecca. My daughters are about the same age (17, 19, 21). When I first came out to them they were shocked, upset, but said they would support me in whatever I needed to do. My wife has been another story altogether. Consequently, I have made no progress (and may have gone backward) in my transition since coming out to them in Jan. 2020. I wish I had something to offer you here but I feel like we are in the same boat. I would love to keep in touch with you on this to offer any support I can so that you don't feel like you are going through this alone.

Prayers for all of you.
Jess <3

[JessicaNicole]

Hi, my daughter at first was very unaccepting. She was almost 18 at the time. We have gone on two trips since then and hike in the park when it is cool out. We also eat out occasionally and text often.

She never told her friends and is entitled to have a life however she wants it to be. In this case she keeps me in the closet from her perspective.

I have a girlfriend and I have not disclosed that to my daughter. Not that I am hiding the relationship but I am entitled to my life too.

Rachel

Rachel,
You raise a very good point. We are ALL entitled to live our own lives the way we want to live them.  I have considered this as I have thought about what my life, and their lives might look like after I transition. I even told my daughters they did not need to tell their friends if they didn't want to and since I rarely see any of them anyway it likely would make no difference.

The only part of their relationships that overlap with ours though, of course is when they graduate from school/college, start dating very seriously and then their wedding (if that is something they want to do), and interaction with grandchildren.  I worry about those moments. I don't want to make them uncomfortable but I also don't want to miss those times.

You raise a great issue for a larger discussion.

Jess <3

[Pammie]

Rachel,
You raise a very good point. We are ALL entitled to live our own lives the way we want to live them.  I have considered this as I have thought about what my life, and their lives might look like after I transition. I even told my daughters they did not need to tell their friends if they didn't want to and since I rarely see any of them anyway it likely would make no difference.

The only part of their relationships that overlap with ours though, of course is when they graduate from school/college, start dating very seriously and then their wedding (if that is something they want to do), and interaction with grandchildren.  I worry about those moments. I don't want to make them uncomfortable but I also don't want to miss those times.

You raise a great issue for a larger discussion.

Jess <3

I find it hard to buy in to the entitlement argument and im soooo grateful and lucky that my children have been so accepting.
I think my children don’t deserve the upheaval, challenges and issues my transition generated but I needed to transition so im lucky they have handled it xx

[Rebecca28]

Update... I have not heard one thing from either of them since 9/27. It’s very hurtful.. yet each day gets easier.. I no longer have to worry about the effects of my transition on them. In many ways it’s a huge weight off my shoulders. I miss them everyday!! Life moves on!! The door is never completely closed. Who knows. Maybe someday! In the mean time, I am determined to live my best life!

[Pammie]

Update... I have not heard one thing from either of them since 9/27. It’s very hurtful.. yet each day gets easier.. I no longer have to worry about the effects of my transition on them. In many ways it’s a huge weight off my shoulders. I miss them everyday!! Life moves on!! The door is never completely closed. Who knows. Maybe someday! In the mean time, I am determined to live my best life!

Wow, that’s incredibly strong! Im pretty sure I couldn’t have been able to move on like that!
My children were and are the core of my existence and I worried daily when my youngest struggled at first.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[BritneyX]

Transitioning is a huge change for everyone, not just ourselves.  Not only must we be compassionate towards ourselves, we must also be of others.   For good or worse, transitioning is a major Life change.  A change that, most likely, will become disruptive in relationships.  A similar disruption realtionships happens within Families when a divorce occurs.  Divorces are especially hard for the young ones, who do not understand the complexities brought about with this major change in their lives.  Compassion, Understanding, Love and Patience are the best measures to take.  If we reflect inward, is that not what we are asking from others?   In this way, this gives people the time they need to contemplate the change and decide if they are willing to accept it or not.  One cannot force change upon another. 

 It is my sincerest Hope and Prayer that everyone of us can find our True Happiness, and that our Loved Ones can be there to share that Happiness with us.  Rebecca, I know from experience in losing the closeness of a loving Child.  It has now happened to me, twice.  Once with divorce and now with beginning with transitioning steps.  My therapists at the VA all told me, that in this case, I need to me more self-focused.  They presented it to me this way, "How can I be a beautiful influence on my Kids, my Family, if I am so unhappy with myself?"

[Pammie]

Transitioning is a huge change for everyone, not just ourselves.  Not only must we be compassionate towards ourselves, we must also be of others.   For good or worse, transitioning is a major Life change.  A change that, most likely, will become disruptive in relationships.  A similar disruption realtionships happens within Families when a divorce occurs.  Divorces are especially hard for the young ones, who do not understand the complexities brought about with this major change in their lives.  Compassion, Understanding, Love and Patience are the best measures to take.  If we reflect inward, is that not what we are asking from others?   In this way, this gives people the time they need to contemplate the change and decide if they are willing to accept it or not.  One cannot force change upon another. 

 It is my sincerest Hope and Prayer that everyone of us can find our True Happiness, and that our Loved Ones can be there to share that Happiness with us.  Rebecca, I know from experience in losing the closeness of a loving Child.  It has now happened to me, twice.  Once with divorce and now with beginning with transitioning steps.  My therapists at the VA all told me, that in this case, I need to me more self-focused.  They presented it to me this way, "How can I be a beautiful influence on my Kids, my Family, if I am so unhappy with myself?"

I just can never get past the fact that our children never signed up for this and our transition has a massive effect on them. It is equivalent to losing a parent to many children. I really don’t see how we could, should or can just be self focused. Can be true for wives too but for children it can take away their very core support.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Faith]

family, friends, acquaintances, strangers.  For me they all have different levels of my concern for them, especially in how I relate to myself.

To be concerned only with self is to be narcissistic, no thanks. Yes, you have to think of yourself and be healthy within yourself. At the same time that is balanced with how others, that you care for, see and respond to you.

I have been very fortunate in that my immediate family are all accepting thus I can be myself around them. At the same time they do struggle with the loss of who I was. I care for them so I balance some of what I do out of consideration for them.

I've lost a lot of 'friends', so be it, I removed my concern about them. I've lost some family, again, I removed my concern for them. If they cannot move to meet me for who I am then I am no longer concerned with how being myself affects them. If they have turned their backs on you then stand for yourself, it is in no ones best interest to cater to someone who refuses to see you.

I have no idea how I would have handled it had my wife, children, grandchildren, acted differently than they did. I am glad that I didn't have to find out. My heart aches for those that lost ones closest to them.

[BritneyX]

The VA Therapists told me to focus on myself as I was putting myself off to be there for the ones I Loved and for others.  It is rather hard for me to put myself first.  To not be there for my Children, my Family or anyone in need is painful to my Soul.  Due to my personal extenuating circumstances, it was prudent from my own well-being to be put first.   It is unfortunate, but needed.