Community Conversation > Male to female transsexual talk (MTF)

Is this normal?

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Feeltrapped:
Hey, so looking for some input here. Ever since I can remember (around kindergarten) I have always felt like I wanted to be/was meant to be female. Here I am 30 plus years later and I am no closer to being out thanks to the following. I have always had crazy bouts of dysphoria where it would be bad for a while then slowly ease, then come back. The last few years the periods of dysphoria have gotten stronger and longer, with way shorter breaks in between. Every time I can’t take it anymore I make a plan to come out to my common law wife but right when I set a date to do it, BAM next day, dysphoria becomes really manageable and in those moments the risks outweigh the rewards of coming out and transitioning and the thought of “maybe this time it won’t come back like that” fills my head.

It’s not that I stop wanting to be a women, it’s that the courage I have when the dysphoria is bad goes away and fear takes over. Aside from other factors like loosing things and people in the process, the primary thing stopping me from just outright coming out but rather setting a date to do so is because of this trend of every time I do plan on it, the dysphoria goes away.

Sorry if that’s like mega confusing... just when is enough enough already, and how the heck do I move past the thought of “set a date and if it’s still bad we’re doing it, because it’s probably going to fade.”. Honestly, it’s what I do want, but in the luls I wonder if it’s really worth it and if I’m stupid to think that I’ll ever get to be who I want to be...

Sorry had to get that out. Thanks for listening.

Battle Goddess:
Yep. Totally normal.

SarahEL:
Sounds familiar....

Maybe the way forward is not setting some sort of 'date' and seeing how you feel.. but just talking to your partner now.. just saying what happens.. explain the waves of dysphoria and how it comes and goes..
Then, if you are not already, find a good therapist who understands gender.. and talk to them about it too...
The chances are you don't have the answers now.. and you won't have for a while.. being open about that with the people we care about means that what happens later on is not so much of a shock...

Northern Star Girl:
@Feeltrapped
Based on your past postings since your joined Susan's Place and the Forums I see that
you have been dealing with the rocky road of transitioning for at least the 4 years
that you have been active on the Forums.... 

As the previous reply comment authored by our member @Battle Goddess stated,
yes it is Normal to feel the way that you do and it is normal to go through some of
the issues that you are going through in your thoughts, personally and with your relationships.

In the other previous comment posted by our member @SarahEL ... she has
described some very important actions that you can take to improve your situation... most important
is that you find a therapist,  and at the very least schedule a first appointment.

I would like to encourage you to do as much reading as you can as you go through
the many postings and blog threads of the other members here...  you may find so
solace in knowing that you are not alone with your feelings and in your circumstances.

Keep reading, keep posting your thoughts and comments and be sure to check out the
various postings around all of the many Forums topics.
Here is the LINK > https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php

I am wishing you well in your journey...
...please, as you feel comfortable doing, keep us all updated.
HUGS,
Danielle

JamieH:
Yes, it's common it seems.  The cycles of dysphoria can ebb and flow. 

I finally came out to my wife when a recent cycle became explosively unbearable.  It's definitely not the first time in my life I've thought "oh, man, I think I'm really transgender I should tell someone", but it is the first time that feeling was so wildly overwhelming I just couldn't stuff it back down.  I also, for the first time, didn't want to.  So here I am now, in the thick of it trying to figure out the next steps.

As others have said:  please seek out a therapist.  It's so incredibly helpful.

Good luck!

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