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Hi everyone. My name is Jessica. I am a 50 year old transwoman (almost 51). I came out to my immediate family (3 teenage kids and my wife) in January 2020, just before any of us had ever heard the word Covid.  Its been a <disaster>  ever since.

In general I have what I have come to understand as one of the most common stories/backgrounds leading up to my transawareness.  My first memories of wanting to wake up as a girl go back to around age 6 or 7. I was from a family of boys so I wasn't often exposed to "girly" toys or things, but I was drawn to feminine clothes very early on.  I also inherently knew that it would be dangerous for me if anyone ever knew my feelings, so I kept them all hidden as best I could.  My parents were, as best as I can recall looking back, emotionally absent. They subscribed heavily to the "children should be seen and not heard" mantra.  Our feelings and emotions were mostly an inconvenience for them so I kept mine to myself. Dad came home almost every night in a bad mood and that put mom on edge, so I learned very early on to quickly "read the room" and I was always ready to just go disappear to my room to avoid the chance that anything I did or said might upset somebody.  My brother, of course was subject to the same circumstances, but instead of keeping his emotions bottled up, he held them in until mom and dad left the house for work or to go out with friends. That's when he would unleash his emotions...on me.  He regularly bullied me with both verbal and physical abuse and given the early age that this all started I only knew one way to and hide.

We moved about every 3 years while I was growing up which meant I had to make new friends regularly. As a result, I never felt like I fit in and was never able to build lasting relationships of any depth. That essentially became the foundation for nearly every relationship I have ever had to this day. On top of that, trying to make friends was complicated because I had no interest in the things the boys wanted to do and I always wanted to be included in the things the girls were hanging out doing on the playground.  To me I felt more at ease and natural with the girls and the boys felt threatening. But I knew that was not going to get me any friends so I pretended as best I could. But every night I would go to bed and quietly pray that I wake up a girl and that everyone would just remember me that way.

I continued to do my best at pretending to like doing the things my male friends did all the way through college.  But somewhere along the way, I began losing connection with who I was at all.  In college I met my now wife (we've been together for 30 years), we got our degrees, started a family and now have 3 great kids.  But something just never sat right with me. I kept trying to do all the things men were supposed to want to do and like to do, but nothing ever felt right. With everything I have I've just never felt complete or happy.

In January 2020, after 48 years of living with all of these feelings inside of me and sharing none of it with anybody, my mind began to fall apart from the pressure. I had been having daily emotional breakdowns in my car at the office every morning since mid-2019. My thoughts and feelings of being a woman literally trapped inside a man's body were no longer just occassional. They were constant. I was getting nothing done at work. I couldn't focus or remember things. I was losing my mind. I had to do something. After a few months of talking with a therapist/life coach I made the decision to finally tell my wife and kids what I was struggling with and that I was considering transition.

I will spare you the details, but suffice it to say that may have been the single worst decision i have ever made in my life.  Not because I don't still feel like I need to transition, but because the aftermath of the nuclear explosion from my wife was so messy it completely  <messed up>  my mind even more.  And now I am STUCK. Worse than ever before.  Dressing and being Jessica used to be an escape. A pressure relief valve. Coming out just before covid lockdowns and trying to make the best of things with an explosive wife (she outed me to her family less than an hour after I came out and BEFORE having any conversation with me. she tried to humiliate me in public 3 times. she has tried to have me committed. she has told me to "man up" countless times), I have not been able to be Jessica in over 2 years now.

These days I am mostly numb. I drink excessively. I've gained 50 pounds and overeat regularly. I have been to 5 therapists and never seem to get anywhere.  I'm lost. And this is what set me out to find a forum like this to see if others have hit these same obstacles and what they did to overcome them.

I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what I like. I don't have any interests and I'm completely unmotivated. I literally feel like everyday I am waiting to die (because I'm too much of a  <chicken>   to do it myself).

So that's me. Hoping you can all help me find some answers. Help me sort myself out. Help me move on or give up.

Maid Marion:
Hi Jess,

Sorry to hear about the awful home situation.


Northern Star Girl:
Dear Jessica:
     I am so very sorry to read of your difficulties with your home situation.  More members will be along to respond to your comments and what you shared... but right now I wish to Welcome you and to give you some of the rules here on the Susan's place Forums.

    Thank you for joining in and being a part of the Susan's Place Forums.
    I am so very glad that you have become a member here and this is your very first posting for you.   I so very am happy to see that you found the Susan's Place Forums.

    As you post on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are.   I expect that you will be getting many members offering their thoughts and suggestions as you continue to post here. 

    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation and as you continue to feel free to share with all of us.
    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
    I have attached important and informative LINKS that will help you to navigate around the Forums and will allow you to enjoy the features here.     
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
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Hold on dear Jess, find someone you can confide in, someone you can trust.

You and I are not that different. I have been married 37 years and have two adult children. I grew up with two older brothers. My dad was in the military, so we moved often. I kept my soul in darkness for over four decades, and it caused a growing anger that became harder and harder to control. At the time I didn't understand where my anger was coming from. Some days it didn't take much for me to become enraged, yelling at members of my family, breaking things, punching holes in the wall with my fists. One day several years ago I totally lost control, and it nearly ended my life, along with lives of my wife and daughters.

Once I discovered the source of my anger, I knew I had to transition. Whenever I question my decision, I think of those moments a few years ago, and all of my doubts quickly fade away. I didn't give my wife a vote, only a choice to stay or to go. I didn't want her to go, but transitioning was my only path forward. She stayed long enough to realize that I was becoming a better version of the person she married. This past June, for the second time in our lives we told each other 'I do', this time as two brides. Our daughters even walked us down the aisle. I realize how lucky I am. When I started my journey I expected to lose most of my friends and possibly everyone I loved. It was a long road, but in the end I only lost a few friends and one family member. Over these last few years I have made many more friends than those few I lost, and some of those friends I now consider to be family.

Find a good therapist who has experience with the transgender community. Be prepared to lose some of the people in your life. Those who are truly your friends and those who truly love you will stay by your side. You will have many difficult days and decisions in your future, but your life can get better. Don't let your situation get out of control.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Lady Grey:
Welcome to Susans Jessica.   Congratulations on coming out.  It's never easy and often messy.  But living an authentic life is it's own reward.  Sounds like you are staring into the abyss right now.  Believe it or not you are actually in a great place. Even though it doesn't feel like it right now.  Not sure you're a believer or not but the Good Book says blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.  You have hit a bottom, feeling depressed and are certainly poor in spirit.  Feeling like you do now is fuel for change.   Comfortable people don't seek change.  They don't have the same motivation.   But finding a way to ease the pain?  That's a great motivator and incentive for considering new ways of being in the world.  But at least you know for sure the reason now.  It's your crossroads moment of your life and how you choose to move forward will make all the difference to your future happiness.  Take time. Breathe.  Be kind to yourself.

A little word of advice?  What stuck out most for me was where you said you are drinking excessively.  That has to stop.  Get to a meeting. Like now.  Get sober.  Drinking and this time of decisioning do not mix.  Gasoline on the flames.  Get a clear mind.  (Source: a post op trans woman who hasn't had a drink in 37 years.)


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