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Offline Peeptoe

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Questions - views on transition and self
« on: October 22, 2021, 12:21:28 pm »
hey gang,

I have two questions that may trigger some of you. I would like to hear your opinions as we all do try to figure out and accept the issue from different perspectives. you've been warned, also this is no trolling.  <moderator edit>

I, 39 born male, that has came to the terms of who I am after some 30 years of running away from the issue. I did find acceptance in everyone I opened myself to personally, my parents are struggling with the information, possibly because they don't understand it fully. I do plan to get to the hormonal treatment to get to the peace of mind, currently am booked for face hair removal.
After months of analyzing I came to a conclusion that I am a man with gender dysphoria, my brain gives me signals such of a woman. I tried a weekend when my wife talked to me using female pronouns, I have chosen a female name that i like, but somehow it doesn't completely click with me - or shall i say does not make much difference? I like when I hear my wife using female pronouns, but won't cry if it isn't used.

Now to them questions:
1) I would like to know who sees it similarly at the moment, eg. i'm a woman vs i'm a man with a dysphoria. maybe, some will say, it is just an advanced acceptance stage of the whole thing. i'm just trying to make sense out of this.

2) second question, related to the first one but not entirely hitting the same thing - I would like to know who chooses to accepts their transition as a way of a lesser of two evils vs a way of spiritual fulfillment (my apologies for the expression)

thanks for all answers.
« Last Edit: October 22, 2021, 04:45:35 pm by Northern Star Girl »

Offline Gertrude

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Re: Questions - views on transition and self
« Reply #1 on: October 22, 2021, 02:21:28 pm »
I don't think your questions cross the line. Too often here, someone gets cold and everyone has to put a coat on. It's a little much. If the questions are legit, lets talk.

1) I would like to know who sees it similarly at the moment, eg. i'm a woman vs i'm a man with a dysphoria. maybe, some will say, it is just an advanced acceptance stage of the whole thing. i'm just trying to make sense out of this.

I think it's as much a transition for us beyond the obvious as it is for everyone else. We have decades of male programming in this case and it takes time to transition and accept.

2) second question, related to the first one but not entirely hitting the same thing - I would like to know who chooses to accepts their transition as a way of a lesser of two evils vs a way of spiritual fulfillment (my apologies for the expression)

Interesting question. I have kind of thought of this in a way. I think it's because we are socialized as one gender and feel like another and that makes us a mix of sorts and in the world we live in now, it tends to be one or the other, BUT, I've seen folks that are gender fluid and do both exclusively, which is different for sure. I guess find what makes you happier(est) and go with that. None of this is a decision that is taken as an absolute. What I mean is, if I say today and I going to be a prototypical fem, maybe in a week or a month or a year I will moderate. I think most get comfortable in their own skin and become who they are eventually. It's kind of like, live like you don't have to think about it. Just be.


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To any god or government
Always hopeful, yet discontent
She knows changes aren't permanent
But change is"

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Offline Rakel

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Re: Questions - views on transition and self
« Reply #2 on: October 22, 2021, 10:44:28 pm »
hey gang,...

...Now to them questions:
1) I would like to know who sees it similarly at the moment, eg. i'm a woman vs i'm a man with a dysphoria. maybe, some will say, it is just an advanced acceptance stage of the whole thing. i'm just trying to make sense out of this.

2) second question, related to the first one but not entirely hitting the same thing - I would like to know who chooses to accepts their transition as a way of a lesser of two evils vs a way of spiritual fulfillment (my apologies for the expression)

thanks for all answers.

Dear Peeptoe,

I really do not know how to answer your questions. All I know is that for most of my adolesant and adult life, I was not comfortable being my physical self. My mental self image was some one else, but at the same time, it was me as I was.

In my early years, I did not know how to express my dysphoria. I tried cross dressing a few times and found that this did not relieve my dysphoria. Later on, I read medical texts that seemed to describe what I was. While the medical knowledge of the day could describe my condition, the proposed treatment was to just man up. Fifty years of manning up did not change anything.

Am I a woman or a man with dysphoria? My answer is both maybe. I started out a a man with dysphoria, but now I am as close to being a woman as medical science will allow. Physically you can describe me as a 72 year old woman who has no uterus or ovaries, similar to a post hysterectomy cis-female. I take Estradiol to prevent any symptoms of menopause.

I am not aware of any spiritual fulfillment. All I know is that the moment I woke from my GCS, my dysphoria was gone and it never returned. I do not call this a lesser of two evils. I found myself alone and without obligations late in life. The internet and conversations on this website exposed me to a possibility of relief from my dysphoria.

I did my research and made my decision. What has worked for me may not work for anyone else. We all must make our own decisions because we are the principle ones who will live with the consequences of that decision.

Questions regarding how we see ourselves are very complex and really cannot be answered in a binary, this or that format. We must know ourselves and accept ourselves in everything that we are and go on from there.





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Offline Peeptoe

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Re: Questions - views on transition and self
« Reply #3 on: October 23, 2021, 01:09:18 am »
thank you all for your comments. i did not try to make anyone uncomfortable, apologies if i did.

as i wrote i'm pre HRT and though i did come to a conclusion what i have, i'm not where i wish i was. meaning, i have a dysphoria, but i don't feel "woman enough" (as if it was even quantifiable) to myself to justify the transition in my mind. i spoke with two therapists - one said i have to forgive and let myself be who i should be, whilst the old me is fearing of being discarded and forgotten. the second therapist was less conclusive and gave me no direction after first session, that i hoped for. am i seeking approval from outside? possibly.

it is a mental hump that i can't seem to overcome, though i came to terms of being dysphoric and see transitioning, as the only cure.

Offline Chloe

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Re: Questions - views on transition and self
« Reply #4 on: October 23, 2021, 06:26:13 am »
. . am i seeking approval from outside? possibly . . a mental hump that i can't seem to overcome . . being dysphoric and see transitioning, as the only cure

         @Peeptoe GREETINGS! After 40+ years of *struggling* I've come to the conclusion there is no real "cure" for gender dysphoria at all and the most that one can hope for I call:

"taking socially palliative measures"

 . . . based on "circumstances" that best fit you as it's only OUTCOMES that really matters! Med transition & HRT has always been considered a great "diagnostic tool" but tis' also best to be sure of oneself before ever asking or trying to convince "another".

lol "well THAT isn't very helpful at all," is it?
“Close your eyes and pretend it’s all a bad dream.

That’s how I get by.” - Jack Sparrow
"But it's no use now," thought poor Alice, "to pretend be two people!
"Why, there's hardly enough of me left to make one respectable person!"
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Offline Rakel

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Re: Questions - views on transition and self
« Reply #5 on: October 23, 2021, 07:35:09 am »
...though i came to terms of being dysphoric and see transitioning, as the only cure.

This is the first step in self acceptance.

Congratulations.  :eusa_clap:









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Offline Nadine Spirit

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Re: Questions - views on transition and self
« Reply #6 on: October 23, 2021, 08:41:32 am »

1) I would like to know who sees it similarly at the moment, eg. i'm a woman vs i'm a man with a dysphoria. maybe, some will say, it is just an advanced acceptance stage of the whole thing. i'm just trying to make sense out of this.

After thinking about this for a bit, I'd say that I used to think similarly.  But after many years of HRT I understand things now from a different point of view.  Before I started actually transitioning, I didn't think I needed to, I didn't think I should, I didn't think I was in anyway female, so why would I possibly ever try and live every day that way? 



2) second question, related to the first one but not entirely hitting the same thing - I would like to know who chooses to accepts their transition as a way of a lesser of two evils vs a way of spiritual fulfillment (my apologies for the expression)

Again, this answer is really just a continuation of my first.  I've read of many who dreamed their whole lives of transitioning and were so sure that is exactly what they needed to do.  That just wasn't ever me.  I got myself to finally start seeing a qualified gender variance specialist therapist, and switch my hormones, by convincing myself that I had to at least give it a try to see if it could calm my inner turmoil.  I couldn't see then that my inner turmoil was actually "just" the loud thunder of dysphoria.

What I said to myself finally was, it's okay to try and if it doesn't work, it's okay to stop.  But hey, guess what?  It worked, hehe. 

Offline Myranda

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Re: Questions - views on transition and self
« Reply #7 on: November 02, 2021, 03:46:12 pm »
1) I would like to know who sees it similarly at the moment, eg. i'm a woman vs i'm a man with a dysphoria. maybe, some will say, it is just an advanced acceptance stage of the whole thing. i'm just trying to make sense out of this.

After thinking about this for a bit, I'd say that I used to think similarly.  But after many years of HRT I understand things now from a different point of view.  Before I started actually transitioning, I didn't think I needed to, I didn't think I should, I didn't think I was in anyway female, so why would I possibly ever try and live every day that way? 



2) second question, related to the first one but not entirely hitting the same thing - I would like to know who chooses to accepts their transition as a way of a lesser of two evils vs a way of spiritual fulfillment (my apologies for the expression)

Again, this answer is really just a continuation of my first.  I've read of many who dreamed their whole lives of transitioning and were so sure that is exactly what they needed to do.  That just wasn't ever me.  I got myself to finally start seeing a qualified gender variance specialist therapist, and switch my hormones, by convincing myself that I had to at least give it a try to see if it could calm my inner turmoil.  I couldn't see then that my inner turmoil was actually "just" the loud thunder of dysphoria.

What I said to myself finally was, it's okay to try and if it doesn't work, it's okay to stop.  But hey, guess what?  It worked, hehe.

I guess that is how I ended up starting my journey, and possibly where I am now myself.  Except for the fact, that I still don't know after 4+ years of HRT.  I'm not uncomfortable on my new hormones, and I like the physical and emotional changes, but I also don't necessarily "feel different about myself either



Online SarahEL

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Re: Questions - views on transition and self
« Reply #8 on: November 02, 2021, 04:21:16 pm »
Maybe transition is all about gender.. or starts that way.. but I think it is really about finding out who you are and adjusting your life to fit the real you.. accepting this person you are... and if that means your gender expression changes.. then so be it..

Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

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Re: Questions - views on transition and self
« Reply #9 on: November 02, 2021, 04:27:04 pm »
Maybe transition is all about gender.. or starts that way.. but I think it is really about finding out who you are and adjusting your life to fit the real you.. accepting this person you are... and if that means your gender expression changes.. then so be it..
Im not sure I agree with that. Transition really is all about gender. Self awareness and self discovery can be by products but transition is the move from the wrong gender to the right one - the only cure for GD.


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Offline BritneyX

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Re: Questions - views on transition and self
« Reply #10 on: November 04, 2021, 02:48:35 am »
@ Peeptoe,
As for me, from my earliest memories, I was always sure of my morals, values and beliefs.  I was just lost as heck as to who I was.  Because of that dilemma, I had no direction in life.  Why was I more comfortable around girls, yet felt so awkward around boys. It was not that I was shy, but being with the boys seem so artificial somehow.  Like a number of us, I compensated by reinforcing the known variable...that I was born male.  It was just a band-aid that addresses nothing.  I was very dysphoric but hid it well.  I struggled with it, cause I simply was naive to what being Transgender was about.  Heck, I never even heard that word before.  The more I tried to put my female self away, the more she was wanted out.  In my 40s, I had enough and started researching into it.  I made a promise to myself that come what may, I was going to act upon what I found when I turned 50.  As I started my journey to healing, I found myself making too many expectations that were just unrealistic for me.  When I started feeling depressed at my slow progress and fallback with thinning hair and a difficult to shave face, I took a pause.  After some inner reflection, I realized that I was running away from my male side when I should embrace it as part of who I am.  I set a goal to find equilibrium before going further.  I entered the VA Transgender program with Mental Health resources, a new Primary dedicated to <transgender people>, starting HRT (January 2020), allowing my suppressed female mannerisms, emotions, and outlook to freely flourish.  While I am not in my Happy Place by a long shot, I am at a very stable place that make the bigger changes without the high level of expectations that I was applying to myself.   There is no definitive method that works for everyone.  You have to find what feels right to you.  Hopefully, all the girls here at Susan's can provide you with poignant view of what you feel will work best for you.  Just stay True to yourself and I am confident that your Happy Place will find you. 
"Out of all the attributes of humanity, the only one that matters most, is the one that cannot fail you.  That is Honesty. Without it, nothing else about your person will hold up." :angel:

Offline Peeptoe

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Re: Questions - views on transition and self
« Reply #11 on: November 04, 2021, 05:00:12 am »
thank you all for your answers, i'm happy to read your insights.

i'm still puzzled about everything - yesterday was my second session with therapist and she told me that she's surprised how stoic i take the whole thing, how well organized i am, and basically can't do nothing for me. so, we'll keep on seeing each other for next 5 months until i'm eligible to try out HRT and see if it helps or not.

Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: Questions - views on transition and self
« Reply #12 on: November 04, 2021, 08:26:02 am »
I have female brain structure. I wish I could have learned to drive a male body and be comfortable in a male body with my female brain, but I couldn't. I tried and tried and tried and failed and failed and failed. I know how to operate my current body. I have the owner's manual for it.

Offline Rakel

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Re: Questions - views on transition and self
« Reply #13 on: November 04, 2021, 10:40:23 pm »
...and she told me that she's surprised how stoic i take the whole thing, how well organized i am, and basically can't do nothing for me...

Stoic?? Organized??

I don't understand why your therapist is making these statements. What does she mean and why is she saying that she can't do anything for you?

When I went to my therapist, we discussed what I did previously to relieve my dysphorias, what other options do I have and finally working out a plan for life during and after transition.

There are many things that need to be discussed, so I am a bit dumbfounded when a therapist says that they can't do anything for me. I just don't understand.





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Offline BritneyX

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Re: Questions - views on transition and self
« Reply #14 on: November 05, 2021, 12:34:46 am »
.... yesterday was my second session with therapist and she told me that she's surprised how stoic i take the whole thing, how well organized i am, and basically can't do nothing for me. so, we'll keep on seeing each other for next 5 months until i'm eligible to try out HRT and see if it helps or not.

I ran into that same assertion from the MH Transgender facilitator/therapist.   At the VA, that section of Mental Health acts more like an intake screening process.  If you have an assurity about yourself, they pass you on down the line to let you learn from the Community.  With the VA, it is all about available resources.

The therapist did make a suggestion that helped me understand my personal tribulations and progress.  It was the movie 'Hedwig and the Angry Inch'.   I found it to be a rather enjoyable movie that was insightful to aspects of my early gender dysphoria.  The message that you get from the movie will probably differ from mine. It helped put some pieces together since I had zero connection to anyone in the Community to ever speak with.  The music in the movie was great with 2 of the numbers being favs.   
"Out of all the attributes of humanity, the only one that matters most, is the one that cannot fail you.  That is Honesty. Without it, nothing else about your person will hold up." :angel:

Offline Peeptoe

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Re: Questions - views on transition and self
« Reply #15 on: November 05, 2021, 01:04:52 am »
Stoic?? Organized??

I don't understand why your therapist is making these statements. What does she mean and why is she saying that she can't do anything for you?
First of all she is not specializing in transgender care, though she has some experience in the field according to her resume. Secondly, i think she has strong opinions on transgender transition. So far, I've seen her twice, and it was mostly uncoordinated free talk about what it bothering me, to what she was mostly listening. I expected some suggestions, comments, but she only asked where i want to go with this. My plan is to get eligible for HRT in case that my dysphoria will not disappear/gets worse, to that she commented that we need to see each other for 6 months, before gets to it (plus she needs to refer me further). She gave me another date in 5 weeks.

In Germany there is only a handful of specialists that can give you referral letters though transgender laws are in place since early 80s. It used to be that trans folk had to prove themselves to therapists by living the other gender pre-HRT for a year.

It is all very puzzling, I'm trying to keep composed for sake of functioning.

Offline Peeptoe

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Re: Questions - views on transition and self
« Reply #16 on: November 05, 2021, 01:06:41 am »
It was the movie 'Hedwig and the Angry Inch'.
I'll check it out!

Offline Rakel

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Re: Questions - views on transition and self
« Reply #17 on: November 05, 2021, 05:59:34 am »
...It is all very puzzling, I'm trying to keep composed for sake of functioning.

I feel sorry that you are in this situation. You have my deepest sympathies.

What you are dealing with sounds a lot like what I dealt with 50 years ago. There were very few medical people who had an sympathy for people like us. Most people just did not know how to work with us or they thought that somehow, we were a threat to them.

I remember a number of post op friends being refered to as "it", not "he" or "she". We have come a long way, but it is obvious from your experience, not everyone is on board with what we need for proper medical care.

Take care and best wishes.  :-*




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Offline JustKate

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Re: Questions - views on transition and self
« Reply #18 on: November 10, 2021, 11:02:21 am »
I don't really know how to respond to your second question but as for your first....

I'd say during the earlier days of transition, I had a huge confusing conflux of emotions.
Was I trans? Was I making it up? Was I non binary? Gender fluid?

I'm now three years into transition and I STILL don't see myself as a woman. Now I want to make It very clear that I feel other trans women ARE women, but I feel that I'm just not quite "good enough" to be a woman, but I don't see myself as a man at all.
I don't really know how I regard myself in regards to gender, but I do want to be seen as female by everyone and not male.

But yeah, at the start, I wasn't really sure.

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Re: Questions - views on transition and self
« Reply #19 on: November 10, 2021, 01:29:54 pm »
Google "the genderbread person" for a really useful tool for understanding and explaning gender.

My "anatomical sex" is currently 100% male, while my gender identity is 100% woman (as far as I can tell). My gender expression is still masculine in public since I am at the very beginning of the process of transition: I only recently discovered my true gender identity.

As a "mind-body dualist" (I believe that bodies exist, and that minds exist, and that they are radically different kinds of things) it is easy for me to understand the concept that my mind determines my gender identity and is "woman" while my body detemines my anatomical sex and is "male". However, even if you are not a dualist, there is now quite a lot of scientific evidence that brains can be "feminine" in a "male" body, so you could interpret "gender identity" in terms of "brain" rather than "mind/soul/spirit".

For me, "transition" means finding out more about what it means to be a woman (to have that gender identity) and how much I want or need to change my gender expression and/or anatomical sex to match my identity.

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