Author Topic: New and I would love some help please  (Read 1857 times)

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Offline MiaSanchez

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New and I would love some help please
« on: November 15, 2021, 04:10:06 pm »
For the sake of this board I'll go by Mia.  I am new here and looking for some help to clear my confusion and some direction.  Since I was 7 yo, I have cross dressed.  I loved the feeling of being feminine.  I struggled in traditional relationships because many women want a manly man.  I lost a 23 year marriage because I discussed my desires with my ex-wife.  I have met an amazing alpha female who adores my feminine nature.  She loves my kindness, emotions and even accepts that I enjoy both men and women.  She's an ideal partner.  She was even open to me dressing and we tried it.  She said, it wasn't for her but wanted to give it a shot for me.  I don't want to live as a woman 24/7, but dressing grounds me.  We are not yet married but plan to marry soon.  But, I feel like I must bury this part of me in order to be with her.  She has been so understanding but the dressing seems to be a deal breaker for her.  I love her with all of me.  I don't want to let her go but I also don't want to hide dressing.  I can't let dressing go because it's been a part of me for most of my life.  She loves a feminized man but seems to be more ok with me being  her "gay husband" than a husband who likes to dress.  I would love some direction and advice.  Thanks in advance.

Offline Maid Marion

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Re: New and I would love some help please
« Reply #1 on: November 15, 2021, 04:20:04 pm »
Hi Mia,

Welcome.

Hiding the need for dressing usually ends in disaster.
It is something that most of us can't change.

Marion

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: New and I would love some help please
« Reply #2 on: November 15, 2021, 04:20:23 pm »
@MiaSanchez
Dear Mia
****Please know that I am not trying to hijack your post and your thoughts and comments but first I wish to Officially Welcome YOU to Susan's Place.
    I am happy to see that you have signed up as a member of Susan's Place last year and just now have submitted your first posting. 

    As you post here on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you wrote about.
 
    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.
 
    I want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.   Other members will be along shortly to give you their thoughts about your questions and concerns that you mentioned in your very first posting.
   
    There is information and important LINKS that I have included below.   You will find information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask....

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 
Things that you should read
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 42

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: New and I would love some help please
« Reply #3 on: November 15, 2021, 04:21:21 pm »
@MiaSanchez
Dear Mia:

   One more thing........
....If you feel so inclined please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to tell more members about yourself!
    With more exposure to more members here you will be able to get more responses to your questions and concerns.
    Wishing your well as you continue to be involved in the forums.

****NOTE: Now, after all of this Greeting and Welcoming stuff, I will give you and your readers your thread back so you can get some answers from other members.

If you have any questions please feel free to email me at  northernstargirl@susans.org

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Global Moderator
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 42

Offline MiaSanchez

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Re: New and I would love some help please
« Reply #4 on: November 15, 2021, 04:54:23 pm »
Hi Mia,

Welcome.

Hiding the need for dressing usually ends in disaster.
It is something that most of us can't change.

Marion

Yeah, I understand but I don't know what to do.

Mia

Offline DianaPrince

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Re: New and I would love some help please
« Reply #5 on: November 15, 2021, 10:19:35 pm »
Some couples settle on a “don’t ask don’t really” policy when it comes to cross dressing.

Might that work for you? She’d need to accept that you will dress sometimes, but you’d choose times when she’s out of the house.

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: New and I would love some help please
« Reply #6 on: November 15, 2021, 10:29:08 pm »
Hi Mia, I would love to assure you your relationship will survive, but in reality most trans relationships fail. Trans people are hardwired to try to satisfy their Gender Identity, and that can't be changed. Dysphoria from our gender ID rises, and the only way to get some relief is to go some way towards satisfying your Gender ID. The only recognised cure is to transition, though many trans people don't. So, if you are trans, it will not go away, and is almost impossible to repress.

I have been where you are, married and had 2 children only to lose my first wife because I am trans, remarried another woman at 46 with the strict conditions that nobody ever found out about me, and I never transition. That worked for 20 years, but as I went into my 60's, my dysphoria became out of control and made me critically sick. Oestrogen therapy cured me, but meant, to survive, I needed to transition. My wife tried to stay with me, but left one month after my GRS.

So you are between the veritable rock and hard place as so many of us have been. My advice is for you to seek out an experienced Gender Therapist, talk this over with your partner, and both of you see the therapist. She has an enormous stake in all of this, so deserves to be involved at every stage. Make sure whoever you see is experienced in Transgender support, as they will be able to confirm if you are trans, and give both of you some options. A general therapist will likely give you bad advice.

I was totally committed to both of my wives, and equally committed to try repress my gender ID, but it nearly killed me. I did have 20 wonderful years with my second wife, as she allowed me to be me at home, and losing her earlier this year has been extremely hard to accept. I know other trans women whose wives are still with them, but they are both rare and incredibly lucky. I would love to hear that your relationship made it through this challenge one day, and wish you every fortune.

Hugs,

Allie
1958 Knew I should be a girl
1961 Told my mother I was a girl
1976 told my fiance I was trans
1999 told my 2nd wife to be I was trans
2000 began being me at home
2018 Dysphoria made me seriously sick
2019 started HRT, not sick any more!
        Started electrolysis
2020 Full time, legally Me!
2021 Labiaplasty
        Divorced again and on my own

Offline MiaSanchez

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Re: New and I would love some help please
« Reply #7 on: November 15, 2021, 11:30:00 pm »
Hi Mia, I would love to assure you your relationship will survive, but in reality most trans relationships fail. Trans people are hardwired to try to satisfy their Gender Identity, and that can't be changed. Dysphoria from our gender ID rises, and the only way to get some relief is to go some way towards satisfying your Gender ID. The only recognised cure is to transition, though many trans people don't. So, if you are trans, it will not go away, and is almost impossible to repress.

I have been where you are, married and had 2 children only to lose my first wife because I am trans, remarried another woman at 46 with the strict conditions that nobody ever found out about me, and I never transition. That worked for 20 years, but as I went into my 60's, my dysphoria became out of control and made me critically sick. Oestrogen therapy cured me, but meant, to survive, I needed to transition. My wife tried to stay with me, but left one month after my GRS.

So you are between the veritable rock and hard place as so many of us have been. My advice is for you to seek out an experienced Gender Therapist, talk this over with your partner, and both of you see the therapist. She has an enormous stake in all of this, so deserves to be involved at every stage. Make sure whoever you see is experienced in Transgender support, as they will be able to confirm if you are trans, and give both of you some options. A general therapist will likely give you bad advice.

I was totally committed to both of my wives, and equally committed to try repress my gender ID, but it nearly killed me. I did have 20 wonderful years with my second wife, as she allowed me to be me at home, and losing her earlier this year has been extremely hard to accept. I know other trans women whose wives are still with them, but they are both rare and incredibly lucky. I would love to hear that your relationship made it through this challenge one day, and wish you every fortune.

Hugs,

Allie

Allie,

First, thank you for your intimacy and your story.  It's actually given me strength to have a really raw talk with my fiancee tonight.  Your pain and your struggles are helping me so you didn't suffer in vain.  Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm trans or what I am. I know I feel most me grounded as a female.  i am a highly educated man, makes decisions and runs departments all day but I never feel like me doing it.  When I am at home and I'm dressed that feels like me.  I feel calm and serene.  I feel safe and I feel happy.  I've struggled with anxiety horrific anxiety most of my life.  But, I don't when I'm dressed.  I've battled through it and become successful.  I have a myriad of women wanting to be mine but they leave at the first sign of my more feminine nature.  My fiancee was actually attracted to it.  But I know she is turned off if I dress.  After our talk tonight, I know for a fact she loves me.  She wants this to work and is ok with panties under my work clothes.  I just feel that I want to be me fully and that might never be loved by anyone.   

Offline Maid Marion

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Re: New and I would love some help please
« Reply #8 on: November 16, 2021, 12:07:15 am »
Hi Mia,

It sounds like you two are on the right path.  Talking about it is a great start.
If  the both of you can talk about it and come to a compromise on issues your chances of a successful relationship are much better.

Marion

Offline Jessica_Rose

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Re: New and I would love some help please
« Reply #9 on: November 16, 2021, 06:10:43 am »
Mia, no spouse or significant other can tell us who we are. Sometimes we can find compromises, but that may only work for a little while. Suppressing who I was led to anger and rage, reaching the point where I nearly took my own life along with the lives of my wife and daughters. Once I discovered the source of my rage, I knew I had to transition. The only option I gave my wife was to stay or to go. My wife was upset with me for a long time, for months we slept in separate bedrooms. Eventually she realized that I was becoming a better version of the person she had married all those years ago. Earlier this year, three days after our 37th Anniversary, we married once again as two brides. I know how lucky I am, and how special my wife is. It can work out, but you may not find peace until you become the person you were meant to be.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Offline Em2

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Re: New and I would love some help please
« Reply #10 on: November 20, 2021, 10:40:03 am »
Hi Mia,

Like you I have been cross dressing since a young age. My wife knows I cross dress but like your fiance she does not like it. So we compromise, I don't explicitly cross dress when she is about but I do wear feminine underwear most of the time. I do however have a female friend who also knows I cross dress and we sometimes spend time together as girlfriends.

I do wish my wife was more open to me cross dressing, but you can't have everything. I love her and for her sake I only dress when she is not about. You are lucky that you have someone who at least understands your feminine side and you have been honest with her from the start. As long as you keep talking there is hope.

Hugs,

Em

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: New and I would love some help please
« Reply #11 on: November 20, 2021, 03:58:06 pm »
Hi Mia,

Like you I have been cross dressing since a young age. My wife knows I cross dress but like your fiance she does not like it. So we compromise, I don't explicitly cross dress when she is about but I do wear feminine underwear most of the time. I do however have a female friend who also knows I cross dress and we sometimes spend time together as girlfriends.

I do wish my wife was more open to me cross dressing, but you can't have everything. I love her and for her sake I only dress when she is not about. You are lucky that you have someone who at least understands your feminine side and you have been honest with her from the start. As long as you keep talking there is hope.

Hugs,

Em

Wives often feel that the female side of us is the ‘other woman’ in our relationships, and rightly fear that this other woman will take their husband from them. As their future and identity as wives is threatened, they react negatively to having the ‘other woman’ around. If our compulsion was just something we enjoyed, it could be accepted, but for trans people, it is much more. Our incongruent gender identity will demand we satisfy it, and our need to adopt femininity almost always grows, and only a few wives can tolerate this.

To be honest, had I known the outcome of my transition and marriage, I don’t know if I would have chosen to enter a doomed relationship or not. I had 20 amazing years with my wife, and I am grateful, but I think I would have told her before my married that I would need to transition one day, and let her decide. I foolishly believed I could manage my dysphoria, but found out the hard way that it is simply too powerful. If you are diagnosed trans, do not kid yourself that you will be able to suppress it forever, and be honest with your partner.

Hugs,

Allie
1958 Knew I should be a girl
1961 Told my mother I was a girl
1976 told my fiance I was trans
1999 told my 2nd wife to be I was trans
2000 began being me at home
2018 Dysphoria made me seriously sick
2019 started HRT, not sick any more!
        Started electrolysis
2020 Full time, legally Me!
2021 Labiaplasty
        Divorced again and on my own

Offline S.A.S.

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Re: New and I would love some help please
« Reply #12 on: November 27, 2021, 05:17:11 pm »
Hi Mia:
New lady also. I was very touched & moved after reading your story. I know that it takes alot of courage and self determination to be able to open up and share intimate life details about your life experiences as well as ask other ladies for advise and help. I'm saluting you with my highest rating 5 out of 5 stars/Two thumbs way up!!! You Go Girl!!! We all need somebody to lean on myself included as I still have a ways to go to achieve my goal of total femininity on a daily basis. Everyone including myself has areas in their life that others especially spouses or possible future spouses just won't like and/or tolerate. I've been with my spouse for a long time and they don't like me femulating at all but despite all the verbal abuse I've endured from them though out the years they are still with me in other words it's not a deal breaker so far. My suggestion and it's only a suggestion you can take it or leave it is to do some soul searching concerning your desires/feelings when it comes to being enfemme/femulating as a lady and how you would feel if you wouldn't be able to do that anymore because you love them so much that you don't want to hurt their feelings. As a part of that decision process then I would sit with them and discuss how you feel and find out exactly how committed they are about loving you unconditionally as I assume you are about them.
A great marriage between two people I've found starts with each person being able to openly
communicate honestly to the other person what they like and don't like without hurting their feelings. Then both of you set boundaries/rules and consequences if you violate their boundaries/rules though mutual agreement. Any new areas that may come up in the future would be dealth with using this system. Popeye the sailor man says I am what I am!  True honesty & true commitment along with open communication to do what you say and say what you do with mutual agreement will earn you respect with others even if they
are issues/challenges that you both will immediately have to deal with. I wish you all the success in the world in every area of your lives. Ms. S.A.S.

Offline Tig58072

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Re: New and I would love some help please
« Reply #13 on: April 16, 2022, 07:53:02 am »
Mia.
One of the largest and crulest prisons on the globe is that of our minds. Yet we alone hold the keys to our cell doors. We can not bury who we are nor is it fair to ourselves nor were we put here to please others. From what I have read here you have more confidence and less anxiety when you are dressed.. gives me the impression that your road to happiness is actually giving up the man part completely.

Offline vanityfair63

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Re: New and I would love some help please
« Reply #14 on: April 25, 2022, 10:41:51 pm »
Your light years ahead of me. I have accepted this is a solitary endeavor for me. I could never tell my wife for fear of what happened to you. So I do this in secret.

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