Wow, Nora --
I had no idea you were struggling like this. I'm so sorry. I'm also sorry that I have been so slow to respond. When someone is standing on the ledge, it is a really scary place to be (both for the person standing there and for any of us who want to help, but don't want to say that one wrong thing that might tip the scales in the wrong way). I'm just going to have to take my chances, sis. I care about you too much.
Let me start out by saying that I have absolutely no idea what you're going through. Part of this is because I don't have all of the information, and part of it is that we don't have the exact same personal situation. That means that I can't fully empathize with you, but I CAN be a loving friend who is here to listen. Feel free to open up, either here, through PM, or even through email / phone. I'll PM you my contact info.
Here's where I'm going to be taking a real chance...
I wouldn't say that I'm an expert on depression, and I wouldn't even say that have personal experience that gives me any credibility in this area. I am not depressed, and I never really have been. My mom is very depressed, and my wife sometimes is. My grandfather on my mother's side suffered from severe depression as well.
The correlation that I have found with all of these people that is:
(a) Their reality is not what they would like it to be
(b) They are self-aware enough to realize it
(c) They believe that there is very little they can do address it
That's a horrible place to be.
The equation "happiness = reality - expectation" is an overly simplistic view, but it is also very powerful. I am a huge believer in it, and I try every day to address both sides: I work my butt off to make my reality the best it possibly can be, and I also work very hard every day NOT to expect too much. I am very happy and appreciative when someone does something nice for me, and I try to NEVER expect things from others.
I know that there are many things in your life that you cannot control. That's the same for all of us. I can't control whether my wife decides to leave me. I can only control things like (a) being completely open and honest, (b) making sure she knows that I love her, (c) doing little things around the house that let her know that I value her. In the end, she may still leave. I'll be disappointed, but I won't be depressed because I'll know in my heart that I did everything I possibly could.
So, here's my hope for you, Nora --
You don't have control over everything in your life. We've talked before about your home situation, and I get it. Try to think of things that you DO have control over. You DO have control over finding friends in your community. You DO have control over your openness and honesty with your wife. If you are concerned about physical things, you DO have control over "some" but not "all" of that as well.
On the expectation side, you may need to be honest with yourself about what the worst case situations might be as you transition, then try to figure out in your head how you'll pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move forward. When I was stressing about outing myself at work, my therapist asked a simple question, "What is the worst thing that could happen here?" When I really thought about it, I realized that it wouldn't have been the complete end of the world, no matter what people thought. Luckily, I was was surprised to know that even in one of the most conservative states and in one of the most conservative industries, people are very polite and nice about it. Maybe you'll be happily surprised as well.
Love ya, sis...
~Sara
