Author Topic: This is where Courtney's life begins  (Read 4010 times)

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Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: This is where Courtney's life begins
« Reply #120 on: January 14, 2022, 12:43:57 pm »
@Courtney G
Dear Courtney:
I have been much enjoying following your Blog thread as you document your very personal transition journey.
Thank you for keeping me and the rest of your avid followers updated with your life endeavors.

HUGS and best wishes to you as you continue on.
Danielle 
 

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Started HRT:   March 2015
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I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline Rachel Montgomery

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Re: This is where Courtney's life begins
« Reply #121 on: January 14, 2022, 02:57:49 pm »
I am not sure that I know how to express what I want to, but I sincerely hope that nothing I am about to say is perceived as negative in any way.  I don’t mean anything negative about you or anyone.

I truly appreciate your sharing your experience.  Frankly, I find it fascinating.  I think what I mean by that is, I don’t personally relate to most of it, but I relate to enough of it to be sympathetic.  I have a complicated situation, and I think I would accept what you find ideal if that made everything feasible for me.  I am nearly 60 years old and married to a woman I consider my soulmate.  And, I think I am here too.  She doesn’t feel about me exactly the way I wish she did (finding out that I am transgender and truly want to be a woman really made it hard for her to be sexually attracted to me.  She tells me whenever the subject comes up that she loves me but she is not a lesbian.  I believe that she may be more of a lesbian than she is willing to admit to herself.   After nearly 20 years, we know each other pretty well. 

She doesn’t want the social brand of being a lesbian.  She doesn’t want the world to see her as the spouse of a trans woman.  But, if I were 100% the man she thinks she wants me to be, I don’t think she would have the connection to me that she does.  She divorced one man before me because he was stereotypically a man.  She liked that I look like a man but didn’t treat her the way most men treat women. 

If it would keep us together, I would readily accept me transitioning physically without transitioning socially (any more than I have already).  I openly enjoy a lot of things most men don’t, and I am not interested in a lot of things stereotypically male.  But, I am already transitioned enough socially to be satisfied.  If I had a neo vagina and breasts, but dressed male and acted exactly like I do, it would be a definite improvement.

That isn’t to say I wouldn’t like to fully transition, which I think is what you are saying might be best for you.  I would like to fully transition.  But, I don’t need to present publicly as a woman.  If I know I am a woman, and am the butchest lesbian in town, I can be happy without the makeup and clothes.  I would prefer the makeup and cloths.  Heck, I’d like to look in the mirror and think I am pretty (what woman wouldn’t).  But, being comfortable with my body, having the right parts, is more important to me than all of that.

So, I can relate to what you are saying. 
What I don’t understand is why you think women can’t fish or do the other stereotypically male things you enjoy.  But, I know you are working to find out who you are, and that is the best goal possible to achieve happiness.  So, I think you are on the right track to getting there.  If not socially transitioning makes you life better, there are no rules.  You are writing the rule book for yourself.

Offline Rakel

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Re: This is where Courtney's life begins
« Reply #122 on: January 14, 2022, 08:55:24 pm »
Good evening Courtney,

Many of us have had doubts about transition or not transitioning.

Speaking for myself, I had doubts for over 50 years, mainly because I was trying to live up to what I was told as a very young person. Just man-up and everything will be ok. Yeah, right. It did not work for me.

However, I was not ready to transition for many years even after I came to the realization of who I am, deep inside my personal self image. I was ready when everything fell apart and I found myself alone. Even though I was married at the time, I felt alone.

Now that it has been almost 6 years since my GCS, I still do many things that I did before transition. I am often found wearing t-shirt and shorts, that are not overly feminine, but I am comfortable dressing like this. I do what I want to do when I want to do it. Yes, sometimes I dress up, but most of the time, I am just plain old me and I like it that way.

Having doubts is perfectly normal in that many of us had to work through our doubts. There are a few of us who just could not accept the negative consequences of transition and halted their transition. Transition is not a given or absolute answer to people like us with gender dysphoria. The people who transition must be fully aware of the personal and financial costs of transition and have the means to fully complete their transition.

The decision to go forward with transition or halt it for a while or even completely detransition is a very personal decision. Only you can make that decision because you are the only person who will live with the consequences. I can only advise you of what worked for me and the things every person who is contemplating transition must be aware of.

I wish you the best and I trust that you will come to a decision on your own.

Take care.  :-*




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Retired Pharmacist with over 40 years experience in Hospital and Retail Pharmacies.
I still keep my professional licence active and in good standing.


Offline Courtney G

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Re: This is where Courtney's life begins
« Reply #123 on: January 14, 2022, 11:58:40 pm »
I'll write a longer post in a day or two regarding your thoughtful replies, but I just wanted to quickly try to clear something up

@davina61 : I'm sorry if you got the impression that I don't think a trans woman can or should work on cars - I was trying to explain that there's nothing about my life right now that's at odds with what I want it to be, that there's nothing missing in the life I'm presenting. There isn't some missing component that I've been yearning for. I wear men's clothes and I currently do everything I want to do, without compromise. But I can see how you might think that I was implying that motorcycling and working on cars are "guy things" and perhaps should be things only guys do, rather than women. For that, I apologize.

@Rachel Montgomery : I've read through my post a few times and I'm trying to figure out how I might have given you the impression that I feel that women can't or shouldn't fish. I did mention that I had time to think while I was fishing. I characterized that by saying that I had a "fishing rod in hand" to imply that I was in a place where I could think without distraction. Some might read that and think that I'm putting that out there in an effort to say "I was on a lake, fishing...you know, like a man should", but that wasn't the case here. I have female friends that I fish with and that all there is to it - it's just fishing, no matter who does it. As a feminist, I feel the same about *any* activity that *any* human being decides to do, regardless of gender.

I'm friends with three trans woman in real life. Two of them are car hobbyists, who collect and restore old cars. The third plays lead guitar and fronts a rock band. They are all role models for me. I'm sorry if the takeaway from my post was that I *think* that women are supposed to behave a certain way.

Offline davina61

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Re: This is where Courtney's life begins
« Reply #124 on: January 15, 2022, 03:24:26 am »
What I meant was being you should not make a difference to transitioning , its the presenting female bit that's the step.
Folk say to me you are brave and I say NO , staying as I was is brave I just gave into it.
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


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Offline Peeptoe

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Re: This is where Courtney's life begins
« Reply #125 on: January 15, 2022, 04:42:22 am »
Hey Courtney,  thanks for keeping us informed. It is quite a ride :) i guess you can grows your boobies and stop HRT once they're the size you want them to be. If anything changes, you can continue with HRT, transition partly, or fully. How is your partner taking it?

Offline Rachel Montgomery

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Re: This is where Courtney's life begins
« Reply #126 on: January 15, 2022, 10:18:56 am »
What I was trying to say is, I understand feeling comfortable with your life, and not even hating your presentation, but not being happy at all with your body.  The body problem is by far the most significant source of dysphoria for me. 

I like fishing, so it was a stand in for any and all stereotypical male activities.  I included that because I did get the impression that you felt that if you transition you would feel the need to give them up.  I now see that you understand that well.  So, the take away is, I can relate to body/self image incongruity being the most significant driver of dysphoria.  But, I do think I like the idea (which is meant to say I don’t know that I could pull it off) of passing completely/always.

Offline Courtney G

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Re: This is where Courtney's life begins
« Reply #127 on: January 18, 2022, 10:08:23 pm »
As always, thanks for your replies...I appreciate every one.

How is your partner taking it?

She is taking it surprisingly well, thank goodness. There are no guarantees, but there's a decent chance we'll make it. Read on to learn a bit more.

UPDATE:

18 days on HRT. Breasts are continuing their slow progress, with the usual symptoms. I'm plagued with muscle aches lately and I have to wonder if this is due to atrophy or if it's something else. I'm trying hard to stick to a steady regimen of vitamin D and calcium, in addition to multivitamins. I'm getting in some exercise time, as well. I have tested low for D in the past, so that's something I have to take seriously.

The thoughts and feelings I expressed in my last update are still with me. I'm on a path to nowhere right now. I won't/can't stop HRT but I'm not sure why I'm doing it. The euphoric rush that accompanied placing each new patch or thinking about my pending developments has been replaced by a more clinical day-to-day series of objective observations. My libido is down.

I guess I should be making an effort to adjust my dosage down in order to slow down the progression of changes, but I can't seem to bring myself to do, because I've dreamed about this for so long - and I fear the sadness and emptiness I'll feel if I end up stopping.

I'm mentally "calm" but I haven't reached any sort of higher state of being from all of this. I'm still me. I'm now also a "me" who fears that the boobs I'm growing are going to come back and haunt me. Fortunately, my girlfriend is fine - our relationship feels stronger. Perhaps it's because of the burden that has been lifted when I disclosed my secret to her. Maybe I'm "nicer" with estrogen in my blood. But it's quite possible that my time here and chatting online with many new trans women friends has brought about a higher level of awareness of how women interact with and support each other. I'm really not sure. I have told her that I'm having my doubts and that I might reduce the dosage of HRT...she's fine with that, of course. Not sure what's in store for us, but we're OK for now and I'm so grateful for that.

Offline Rachel Montgomery

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Re: This is where Courtney's life begins
« Reply #128 on: January 18, 2022, 10:22:55 pm »
That is great news.  Thanks for sharing.

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