Community Conversation > Transsexual talk

Your old self in your brain and hyper awareness

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ronniekylie90:
Hi girls,

I'm new here so I hope everyone is feeling good and sexy today

Anyway, does anyone else ever worry about others who might see reminiscent parts of their former self? This is something I've been thinking of a fair bit lately, and in my mind sometimes I cringe and worry like... what if they kinda get the image/impression of my former self (as in a boy)? can they see that? am I being hyper aware?

I know a lot of it is probably in my mind, as I've changed a fair bit since medically transitioning, but it does cause me some anxiety.

I think of this, also about people who never met my former self. I don't know if I'm still adjusting, but for me, my former self is quite painful. I always felt like I had to be someone I wasn't.

Like I look in the mirror and see pretty much a woman in my body and face (tho I need to get some tweaks with FFS to fine tune mysel), but then I worry and think, what if they don't see what I see?
Do you know what I'm even talking about? am I just rambling?

Rakel:
For myself, what I see in the mirror is only a relection. What others see is my entire self. The two are not always the same. A photo of yourself is much closer to what others see. I really cannot explain it much better than that.

When we transition, there will always be a portion of our previous self for everyone to see, especially for those who knew us before we transitioned. Maybe we look like a brother or sister, but there is always a residual of our previous self.

ronniekylie90:
Yes, I have to say I've heard the "it's like your old self is a distant brother who lives far away" and I agree, if I happen to bump into old pics, I do sort of feel dysphoric but also it seems like a brother too.

strange sensation

Jessica_Rose:
Mirrors are evil, they only show us what we want to see. If you look in a mirror trying to find flaws, flaws are all you will see. If you are struggling to see flaws, then you may be the only person who can find them. We are our own biggest critic, and we are usually the last person to see what others see.

When I look at my reflection I still see features that remind me of the person I used to be. When I see a photo of myself, my mind sometimes doesn't know who it is. My past is exceptionally painful, and I am still in the process of getting rid of reminders. I don't display any of my old photos, items with my deadname have been banished to storage or discarded. My wife knows how painful it can be for me, and she helps protect me from the occasional piece of mail which may include my deadname. One of the reasons we recently moved was to get away from the neighborhood where we had lived for 15 years, where all our friends and neighbors knew my background -- even newer neighbors who have only known me as Jessica. I often wish there was a 'reset' button I could press which would cause others only to remember me as I am now.

The person I was protected me for decades, and ultimately gave his life so I could exist. Maybe that's why reminders are so painful...

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Courtney G:

--- Quote from: Jessica_Rose on December 05, 2021, 07:16:47 am ---The person I was protected me for decades, and ultimately gave his life so I could exist. Maybe that's why reminders are so painful...
--- End quote ---

This is so powerful.

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