Community Conversation > Transsexual talk

Your old self in your brain and hyper awareness

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--- Quote from: Jessica_Rose on December 05, 2021, 07:16:47 am ---Mirrors are evil, they only show us what we want to see. If you look in a mirror trying to find flaws, flaws are all you will see. If you are struggling to see flaws, then you may be the only person who can find them. We are our own biggest critic, and we are usually the last person to see what others see.

When I look at my reflection I still see features that remind me of the person I used to be. When I see a photo of myself, my mind sometimes doesn't know who it is. My past is exceptionally painful, and I am still in the process of getting rid of reminders. I don't display any of my old photos, items with my deadname have been banished to storage or discarded. My wife knows how painful it can be for me, and she helps protect me from the occasional piece of mail which may include my deadname. One of the reasons we recently moved was to get away from the neighborhood where we had lived for 15 years, where all our friends and neighbors knew my background -- even newer neighbors who have only known me as Jessica. I often wish there was a 'reset' button I could press which would cause others only to remember me as I am now.

The person I was protected me for decades, and ultimately gave his life so I could exist. Maybe that's why reminders are so painful...

Love always -- Jessica Rose

--- End quote ---

Looking in the mirror is painful for me for different reasons. Dad's parents were from Italy and his first language was Italian and came from that culture. I am the youngest of two of his kids and four of Mom's and in Italian culture, primogeniture is a real thing. My brother has my dad's first name, he's the first born of my dad and I was kind of out in a sense. As I age I look more and more like my dad, just a <not allowed> ton bigger/taller and lighter skinned. It's scary, even the expressions I make are like him and yet, I wasn't considered the Italian one. And then there are the trans issues, so it hits home why I never fit in anywhere.


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