Community Conversation > Non-binary talk

struggling with expression and understanding my thoughts

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felixalex:
Ok no idea how to approach this subject so please forgive me if it doesn't make sense

I am AMAB but I don't feel male, I am not happy being male, now in my 50's I have struggled with my gender since the age of 10, I dress female now and then, love female clothes especially dresses, I feel feminine 75% of the time but not fully female, the rest of the time I  feel genderless, my body looks too masculine and have a lot of distress about it. I don't understand what dysphoria is, so I tend not to use the word that much

Close friends say i need to socially transition but I have no idea what to, I feel very uncomfortable being a man, three nervous breakdowns to date, but i don't feel all female, I feel very feminine most of the time, but also comfortable being without a gender too. I do fantasise about having a gender neutral body, but i do know that their is nothing of the kind.

I do wear ladies shirts from time to time, but they just look male on me, I have thoughts about other looks like goth or steampunk but at my age? I agree with my close friends I do need to socially transition but its how do I do it? Looking to female maybe too much one way, looking too male is a complete no no. I want to separate myself from the male gender totally looking feminine yes great, looking all female is too far the other way.


I have spoken to my doctors and they are referring me to a gender clinic. I want to go on a low dose of HRT to see if I can make small changes to my body, i think that it will give me a more female body, I would more happier with more feminine body whatever that looks like.

flexalex

Margrit:
Hi flexalex

Thank you for telling us your thoughts.
A lot of us were once exactly where you are now.
Sometimes it can be a great help to give a try to tell or write words down. Just for you or to someone.
Some transgender persons can sort out their thoughts with a gender therapist. That can bring an amazing benefit.
Perhaps that is something for you too?

Best wishes
Margrit

Maid Marion:
Hi felixalex,

Welcome!

Female tops look better if you have a thin waist and size it down by half a size.
A little uncomfortable at first but I've gotten used to wearing small stretchy clothes.

Marion

Allie Jayne:
Felixalex,
              We are all on a journey with few definitions, so it is normal to feel confused! You don't have to feel fully male or female, just find that place where you have peace, and even that will change over the years! First, I would establish that you are being troubled by gender dysphoria, and learn precisely what that is. A good gender experienced therapist can help with this. Then you need to experiment with ways to reduce dysphoria, and there are no rules, you just do what is right for you! This might involve dressing, hormones, or simply being part of a group of likeminded people, whatever works.

Just take this step by step, and involve your loved ones as you discover yourself, so they can also transition to your true reality.

Hugs,

Allie (not male, but not female either, just me!)

Courtney G:
Hello, flexalex and welcome to the group.

I'm also in my 50s and I've recently come out to myself after decades of confusion and uncertainty, so I'm not in a position to give you advice except to say that you are not alone. There are many like you (and me) and there is a world for us, with loving people who care about us and accept us for who we truly are. Posting here and introducing yourself was a very brave first step, the first of many.

As you begin your journey into this new phase of your life, just know that we are here for you. It's taking time, but the world is still evolving and will continue to do so. Fortunately, there are many more resources available to us than there were when we were were younger, so I'm glad you are here with us.

Love,

Courtney

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