Topic: Allie’s Blog (or “The Blog Absolutely No One Demanded!”)

[ImAllie]

Sigh.



Allie...

You're not listening...

No, I am…honestly. At least I hope I am.

 I did not mean to say the reason I was telling her was not to hurt her. If it came off that way, it’s not true.

I simply meant that, in deciding how to tell her — the logistics of it: when to do it, where, what do I have prepared to say, etc — I want to be asking myself with each decision I’m making “am I doing this in the way which I can, to the extent which it is in my control, having my wife’s feelings at heart?”

Or maybe that’s all just more cowardice and nativity on my part. It doesn’t feel like it. But I suppose it never does.

[Battle Goddess]

I simply meant that, in deciding how to tell her — the logistics of it: when to do it, where, what do I have prepared to say, etc — I want to be asking myself with each decision I’m making “am I doing this in the way which I can, to the extent which it is in my control, having my wife’s feelings at heart?”

Yah, imo you're being naïve.

Allie, you have absolutely zero control over your family's reactions. I know you wish you did, but you don't.

You could hit them with a 2x4 and have them be completely fine with your announcement. You could soft-launch the whole thing over a stretch of years and have them hate you for it. It's not up to you. Forget about it.

The whole point of figuring out the "best" way of telling them is to get you feeling comfortable with it, Allie.

You'll need your confidence and willingness well in hand before you'll ever be able to Come Out to them. You need to be fairly sure who Allie is before you can explain her to anyone else. You have to accept Allie enough to keep her from retreating back into her spiderhole.

Get all that mostly straight, and you should be able to feel good enough to find out what they'll do. You'll know when you're ready.

There's so little one can control in this cold and random universe. Best focus on influencing the crucial things one can than the wishes one cannot.

[ImAllie]

Yah, imo you're being naïve.

Allie, you have absolutely zero control over your family's reactions. I know you wish you did, but you don't.

You could hit them with a 2x4 and have them be completely fine with your announcement. You could soft-launch the whole thing over a stretch of years and have them hate you for it. It's not up to you. Forget about it.

The whole point of figuring out the "best" way of telling them is to get you feeling comfortable with it, Allie.

You'll need your confidence and willingness well in hand before you'll ever be able to Come Out to them. You need to be fairly sure who Allie is before you can explain her to anyone else. You have to accept Allie enough to keep her from retreating back into her spiderhole.

Get all that mostly straight, and you should be able to feel good enough to find out what they'll do. You'll know when you're ready.

There's so little one can control in this cold and random universe. Best focus on influencing the crucial things one can than the wishes one cannot.

Yeah I’m on board. I know everything you’re saying is correct.  It’s stuff my therapist even said in the first session.
But I believe self acceptance is like knocking over a Coke machine.  It’s never going to go in one push. You need to rock it back and forth a few times before it falls for good. 😉. I’ll get there. I’m committed to the process.

[ImAllie]

Definitely a sad day around the household, as yesterday we had to say goodbye to a beloved pet… one of our two cats who had fallen ill in the last few weeks and then just shut down in the last 24 hours.

We adopted he and his brother 13+ years ago when they were little kittens,and his brother has been cuddled against my leg all day today.. definitely wondering where his partner in crime has gone.

Feeling sad, but also happy that we didn’t make any decisions to try to stretch things out for our own selfish purposes … he stopped eating on Sunday, so when we woke up on Monday and he tried to eat but then seemed like he was the same again, we felt like he was telling us he didn’t have any fight left in him.

[EllenW]

So sorry to hear about your cat. Losing a beloved pet is hard.

Ellen

[ImAllie]

So sorry to hear about your cat. Losing a beloved pet is hard.

Ellen

Thanks so much Ellen.  Yeah, very much so. And while I’ve experienced this sadness other times growing up… once with my dog, and then with a few other cats over the years?  This is the first time we ever had a multiple cat household. Dealing with the situation where the one brother is left wondering where his brother has gone is making it a lot tougher for everyone… at least today.

Love,
Allie

[ImAllie]

Therapy session #2 today…

I really have to strongly recommend this therapy stuff to people who may be on the fence. I know you think you can get results with tried and true methods like  “banging your head against the wall” or “poking yourself in the eye with a sharp stick” … and while, sure, that may be true? This therapy stuff? I’m not sure if it will catch on or is just a fad?  But… I heartily endorse it.

In all seriousness (God, I hope no one required the “in all seriousness” transition … but even so..) it was a great session.  After the first time where we covered a lot and were all over the place (ok, mainly I was), I started this time saying that I realize that I have no control over how the people in my life will react to my being trans. So discussing what the plan is AFTER I tell them… would be like going backwards to the time when this was all in my head, the land of what if? And fantasy? Where I can make things work out perfect as I script them.

I mean, I feel very strongly… more strongly after living with session #1 for two weeks, that despite how hard a road to hoe it may be, I NEED to transition. But the thing I said was… even saying that, is like someone who hears a story about someone whose house burned down and lost everything they owned and says “oh, well if it were me I’d have run in and got all my valuables.”  Until you’re actually faced in real life with the real life situation… definitive statements are foolish.

So I said I wanted to focus on me… who I am, what I want… how I got here… my therapist’s evaluation of me… and she thought that was a great idea. We agreed that once we both know it’s time to tell my family, then we will figure out the best way/time to do so… and after that we will deal with the next steps from there.

So we spent the hour on my history… she helped me recall situations that I hadn’t looked at in ways that kind of floored me. She at one point stopped me and noted how often I talked about how I was always trying to “fit in”… as if whether I was conscious of the issues with my gender identity, subconsciously I was very aware of it.  There were very much some conscious moments of it too… but a lot of beneath the surface things that she could point to as a pattern that I hadn’t.  It was … affirming, and confirming.

She really helped me unlock the “why now?” Of it all… and she saw that much easier than I did, and once she started showing me the pattern of it (by basically just repeating my words to me) it made tons of sense.

I could go on and on.  It was a really productive hour.  Again agreed to schedule for two weeks from now, so I could process further.  But I feel like today really moved the ball forward. A lot.

[jennifer7020]

Therapy session #2 today…

I really have to strongly recommend this therapy stuff to people who may be on the fence. I know you think you can get results with tried and true methods like  “banging your head against the wall” or “poking yourself in the eye with a sharp stick” … and while, sure, that may be true? This therapy stuff? I’m not sure if it will catch on or is just a fad?  But… I heartily endorse it.

In all seriousness (God, I hope no one required the “in all seriousness” transition … but even so..) it was a great session.  After the first time where we covered a lot and were all over the place (ok, mainly I was), I started this time saying that I realize that I have no control over how the people in my life will react to my being trans. So discussing what the plan is AFTER I tell them… would be like going backwards to the time when this was all in my head, the land of what if? And fantasy? Where I can make things work out perfect as I script them.

I mean, I feel very strongly… more strongly after living with session #1 for two weeks, that despite how hard a road to hoe it may be, I NEED to transition. But the thing I said was… even saying that, is like someone who hears a story about someone whose house burned down and lost everything they owned and says “oh, well if it were me I’d have run in and got all my valuables.”  Until you’re actually faced in real life with the real life situation… definitive statements are foolish.

So I said I wanted to focus on me… who I am, what I want… how I got here… my therapist’s evaluation of me… and she thought that was a great idea. We agreed that once we both know it’s time to tell my family, then we will figure out the best way/time to do so… and after that we will deal with the next steps from there.

So we spent the hour on my history… she helped me recall situations that I hadn’t looked at in ways that kind of floored me. She at one point stopped me and noted how often I talked about how I was always trying to “fit in”… as if whether I was conscious of the issues with my gender identity, subconsciously I was very aware of it.  There were very much some conscious moments of it too… but a lot of beneath the surface things that she could point to as a pattern that I hadn’t.  It was … affirming, and confirming.

She really helped me unlock the “why now?” Of it all… and she saw that much easier than I did, and once she started showing me the pattern of it (by basically just repeating my words to me) it made tons of sense.

I could go on and on.  It was a really productive hour.  Again agreed to schedule for two weeks from now, so I could process further.  But I feel like today really moved the ball forward. A lot.

Great New Allie!

[Rachel Montgomery]

I am glad that you are happy and gaining insight to know yourself.  I look forward to hearing more positive reports. 

[ImAllie]

I am glad that you are happy and gaining insight to know yourself.  I look forward to hearing more positive reports. 

Thanks Rachel, thanks Jenn!

I think if I had to describe how I’m feeling after the session in a few words they would be “grounded” and “determined”.  Shoot, you know what? You’re right, Rachel, I felt REALLY happy after the session too. So let’s add “happy” into the mix. Also, we’re just about to sit down to dinner so the word “hungry” is popping into my head… but I feel it’s unlikely to be related to today’s chat. So just the first three. 😘

[ImAllie]

Still basking in the after-effects of therapy session #2… and on Friday night was watching some TV with my wife and son and I felt like I was literally pushing the ocean back with a broom to keep from coming out to them. I know I’m not there yet, my therapist and I have said once we agree I’m ready (which I suppose is ME agreeing I’m ready… but that, to me, requires some affirmation from her) then she’ll help me plan out the “how” and “when”… and I’m sure it won’t be “blurting it out while we’re watching tv.”

But I really do feel like the ball is rolling downhill now, and gaining momentum. Excitement, relief, nervousness? Yup.  But still some doubts and guilt for asking others to share my pain.  But I’ve noticed that my thoughts have steered away from predicting/guessing/hoping how those I love will take the news.  I can’t control that… so it’s not something I can do anything about. 

[ImAllie]

Oh I noticed something else this weekend.

As someone who has never cross-dressed or had any real interest in it (mainly because I feared it would highlight how much I was NOT the woman I wanted to be/was supposed to be), I’ve realized that in the past few weeks I’ve started to pay all this attention to women’s clothing. In particular, when I see some women dressed in certain ways I get distracted from what I’m watching and suddenly focus on it… and start thinking that would be a good look for me.

The moment I really noticed it was watching a documentary, and this woman was wearing a pair of jeans, a turtleneck and a blazer and I thought she was dressed so smartly and I just … I don’t know… it really had an impact on me.

Anyway… just thought I’d share!

Love,
Allie

[ImAllie]

News and notes from the last few days (not that anyone appears to be reading this... LOL)

At my first session, my therapist floated a suggestion: she said when next I spoke to my neurologist (I suffer from chronic daily migraines and cluster headaches) that I might want to ask him about how my current drug regime would interact with HRT... just so I'd have the information.  I told her that I wasn't ready to have that conversation with him yet, especially before coming out to my family and she understood. She was wondering if there was a way to try to get the information without blatantly discussing my situation... but we agreed there wasn't.

Well today was my appointment, and while I'll admit I was partly tempted to discuss it... instead I went another route. Of all the medications I take, three are brain-specific prescription meds. One of which was added in the last few years. I asked him if he thought that one has made much impact and he agreed it hadn't, as he also feels "no med is the best med"... so we are weening me off of that one.

So while we didn't have the talk, I effectively took one of the three meds off the board anyway.  I feel like that's something I can consider progress!

Another thing this weekend. Our son had an issue with one of his close friends who was being a bit indelicate with his choices now that he is recovered from COVID. Our son wrote a note to him, and then spoke to him about it... because he was concerned that the friend wasn't thinking of others...putting them at risk.  Our son was minimally worried about himself, but about myself and my wife... feeling that since he and his friends are out and about more that we are, he would feel awful if we got sick and he was the cause... especially because this one friend wasn't been more cautious.

I bring this up because the whole story just confirmed to me what I already knew... what a caring, thoughtful, and loving young man our son is.  I know I worry how he will take the news if/when I tell them... but for some reason, when he was telling us this story I got really emotional and started to feel even more convinced he was going to be ok with everything.

I thought there was one other thing, but for the life of me, after writing about that experience and getting emotional all over again... I can't recall what it was.

Love,
Allie

[Rachel Montgomery]

I, for one, read all of your posts. 

Perhaps your pharmacist could discuss possible drug interactions?  Your pharmacist already knows what prescriptions s/he is filling.

[Northern Star Girl]

@ImAllie
Dear Allie:
I can identify with you regarding debilitating Chronic Migraine Headaches... I hope that you can get your headaches under control with the help for your Neurologist

A couple years ago my Chronic Migraines were getting so very bad that I was in tears and could not concentrate or even be sociable.   
I finally was able to get an appointment to the nearest big city doctor (about a 4 hour drive) and got prescribed an injection med that seemed to work well, but it is very expensive and only lasts for 3 months....   I was able to use the lowest dose with good results with no serious side-effects... and for me there no serious interactions with HRT..
...after 4 injections over a year I had to talk to my doctor about lower cost alternatives...  they seem to be helping but I still get headaches particularly when I am facing situations that cause stress and anxiety.   So I try really try hard to avoid those situations, but it is not easy, especially in my work as a CPA around tax time... which is starting now through April.

I was happy to read your good news report regarding your son and how he interacted with his friend.   
Getting emotional, especially being on MTF  HRT  is nothing to be embarrassed about.  I can start crying when I watch a romance movie or even watch little babies and kids interact with their mother....  I am a crying machine at times.
Hormones are a powerful thing.

Thank you for posting and sharing your thoughts and comments.   Your Blog thread is exactly the right place to write down what you are going through in your life endeavors and transition journey....  it can be great therapy to put your feelings in writing.

HUGS and best wishes... especially hoping that your headaches will be kept under control.
Danielle

[ImAllie]

I, for one, read all of your posts. 

Perhaps your pharmacist could discuss possible drug interactions?  Your pharmacist already knows what prescriptions s/he is filling.

Thanks Rachel! Oh and I really like my neuro.  He’ll be someone who I’ll be ok discussing this with… I just don’t want to widen the circle beyond my therapist until I speak to my wife and son. Once that happens, then I’m good doing so.  Whether or not that makes perfect logical sense or not… it makes narrative sense to me to be able to say “the only person with whom I discussed any of this in person was my therapist and much of that centered around if and how to tell you.”

[ImAllie]

@ImAllie
Dear Allie:
I can identify with you regarding debilitating Chronic Migraine Headaches... I hope that you can get your headaches under control with the help for your Neurologist

A couple years ago my Chronic Migraines were getting so very bad that I was in tears and could not concentrate or even be sociable.   
I finally was able to get an appointment to the nearest big city doctor (about a 4 hour drive) and got prescribed an injection med that seemed to work well, but it is very expensive and only lasts for 3 months....   I was able to use the lowest dose with good results with no serious side-effects... and for me there no serious interactions with HRT..
...after 4 injections over a year I had to talk to my doctor about lower cost alternatives...  they seem to be helping but I still get headaches particularly when I am facing situations that cause stress and anxiety.   So I try really try hard to avoid those situations, but it is not easy, especially in my work as a CPA around tax time... which is starting now through April.

I was happy to read your good news report regarding your son and how he interacted with his friend.   
Getting emotional, especially being on MTF  HRT  is nothing to be embarrassed about.  I can start crying when I watch a romance movie or even watch little babies and kids interact with their mother....  I am a crying machine at times.
Hormones are a powerful thing.

Thank you for posting and sharing your thoughts and comments.   Your Blog thread is exactly the right place to write down what you are going through in your life endeavors and transition journey....  it can be great therapy to put your feelings in writing.

HUGS and best wishes... especially hoping that your headaches will be kept under control.
Danielle

Yikes Danielle - sorry you had to deal with all that!!  Sounds like you’ve had some relief, perhaps from the triptain family of drugs maybe? Or one of the newer brands of longer lasting injectables?  I’m allergic to triptains, sadly, and didn’t have any luck with the newer drugs.  Botox actually helps with my clusters a bit… which has a residual impact of reducing the severity of my migraines, but I still haven’t had a migraine free day in more than 10 years.  So… ugh.

Working on it though! 

Glad to hear you had no interaction issues. That’s a few steps down the road for me yet… but it’s comforting to know that if I get there that’s at least one road block that hopefully won’t be an issue.

As for the crying? It’s so funny you mention that…. We were watching Casablanca tonight (it was the 80th anniversary this week, so good time for a rewatch) and just like always I instinctively caught myself suppressing the urge to cry… you know… like I’m “supposed” to.  I mean, it’s not like I don’t cry at movies and tv, but my instincts are to cry so much more than I do. Whether it will be hormones or just being honest with myself or a combination of the two? But we’re gonna need FLOOD insurance in this house for the amount of tears coming from these eyes.  😂.   Being my honest self … my god, well, I don’t have to tell anyone here how wonderful that concept sounds.

[Battle Goddess]

We were watching Casablanca tonight (it was the 80th anniversary this week, so good time for a rewatch)

Hoo boy. Can't watch that movie anymore. It's as bad for me as the song was for Rick

[ImAllie]

Hoo boy. Can't watch that movie anymore. It's as bad for me as the song was for Rick

Well there’s the lesson it in for you… in the end, Rick ends up shooting his enemy, restoring the memory of his great love affair while helping her and her husband move on, and goes on vacation with his buddy. I mean, all in all not so bad.  Especially when you consider he was up against Nazis.

[ImAllie]

By the way, as some of you may know, dressing has, unfortunately for me, never been something that has been helpful in my dysphoria. In fact the idea of it has been something that has increased it… just feeling like it was an act that was emphasizing the act of wearing the clothing of the OPPOSITE gender. I really envy those for who whom it brings joy and peace.

Anyway, the last year or two I’ve thought more on it and as things have gotten worse I’ve had a renewed interest in exploring it… but with COVID times, it’s simply not been an option.  The old chestnut that people are only as faithful as their options apparently applies to cross dressing.

Anyway, today my wife is working at her office and our son stepped out for an hour…. And as luck had it my wife had given me some old Disney shirts of hers to gather up for a clothing donation. And I had been cleaning out my office and found some old stuff too and had found an old tye-dye bandanna. So yeah, not exactly diving into the deep end of the pool, I know… but I tried on this pink tinker bell t-shirt and used the bandana to cover my head… and stared into the bathroom mirror for a minute.  And literally about 30 seconds after I started… I saw.. just me, wearing a tinker bell shirt and a bandana.

Then I smiled. And when I did? I saw my mother. Like I really really saw her… and it kind of floored me. That was 30 minutes ago and I’m still kind of shaking.  Seeing that was really.. nourishing.  I really needed that.