Author Topic: Allie’s Blog (or “The Blog Absolutely No One Demanded!”)  (Read 10730 times)

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Online ImAllie

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Re: Allie’s Blog (or “The Blog Absolutely No One Demanded!”)
« Reply #300 on: June 24, 2022, 12:29:11 am »
This is so hard, Allie.  It's hard for all of us, and it is extremely scary to come out to your wife.  That fear (I think) is really ratcheted up when you and your wife have a close relationship. 

That's where my wife and I were a few years ago.  We were in a really good place before I blew the whole dang thing up.  You are on the horns of a dilemma... either tell your wife and blow up a perfectly good marriage, or live a lie and violate her trust. 

I can say that I do not regret my choice to tell Kristin.  It made things difficult, but we seem to be doing OK (at least this week  ;)).  At the very least, we'll always remain friends.  I don't know your wife, and I don't know how she will take it.  I have seen it go really well, really badly, and (like mine) a lot of in-between.

I'm rooting for you, and I'm hoping that she is able to separate the person she loves from the outer shell.  If she's anything like I envision, you'll be just fine.

~Sara

Thanks Sara - I very much feel/know telling her is the right thing to do.  And we’ve (me and my therapist) worked through the best time to tell her.  Doesn’t make it any less scary or all that.  And these 30th anniversary things just goosed up the feelings of guilt again for several days.  But I still know it’s the way to go. And I remain oddly really optimistic as to how it will go. But trying to prepare for the worst.

As it gets closer I’m sure all these feelings will just intensify.

Your positive story… warts and all… gives me hope that even if it initially starts badly that doesn’t mean that’s the inevitable conclusion.  So I really appreciate it.

Love,
Allie

Online ImAllie

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Re: Allie’s Blog (or “The Blog Absolutely No One Demanded!”)
« Reply #301 on: June 24, 2022, 12:40:12 am »
Perhaps you can come out to her, stop hiding it from her and continue in the relationship by not going public?  It might not work for you, but it might.  I have been doing that since 2007.  It isn’t easy, and sometimes it is quite hard, but focusing on others makes it a little easier.

Hey Rachel!

What’s funny is, what you are suggesting is something my therapist suggested, or at least asked if I’d be open to, at either my first or second session.  At that time I was VERY resistant to the idea… mostly because the idea of all this had lived only in my head for so long, I expected that when I brought it into the real world it would simply go just as I’d imagined. I mean, why wouldn’t it, right? 🤦‍♀️

But the more we talked and the more I understood the way reality works (🙄) I’ve come to realize that … I can’t say 100 percent that would be ultimately something that would work for me? But I have no way of knowing until I try it. And there’s no reason to speculate anyway. I’ve decided that sharing this truth about myself with my wife is the most important thing. And what happens after that we will, hopefully, determine together. Or the very least will be greatly informed by her reaction.

Long way of saying I can absolutely now see a world where that’s how this resolves … because I need to be open to as much as I can.
Love,
Allie

Online ImAllie

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Re: Allie’s Blog (or “The Blog Absolutely No One Demanded!”)
« Reply #302 on: June 24, 2022, 12:55:18 am »
Hey Allie!

Before I forget-- happy thirty! Thirty years of marriage is an accomplishment. Be happy and proud.

I know you know my experience is the opposite of Sara's. Regardless of the hostility I get, I don't regret the decision to come out at all.  I simply couldn't go on. Same for my children-- no regrets no matter what happens.

I am maybe the wrong person for advice.. but I'd recommend you spend a less time worrying about the exact words you'll come out with and more time thinking out how you'll react. Consider your options and what you want to fight for. Maybe work w/ your therapist to figure out what you need to be happy. Or what you'll do in a wife range of circumstances, everything from 'let me see you dressed!' to 'you need to leave, now'.

good luck

Hey Jenn!

Thanks for the congrats AND the advice! You’re EXACTLY the kind of person to give advice because you’ve been where I am! Plus you’ve handled your situation with far more strength and courage than I could ever have which, frankly, is one of the things that terrifies me.

I’m not that worried about the perfect words. I mean I am but I’m not. I’ll fret and stress about it I’m sure but I’ve always found words come to me even in times of great emotional stress… as long as I know the point I want to make.

The only thing I’m not willing to do at this point, and I know it’s being naive … but I can’t bring myself to think adversarially. I don’t want to think about what I’d fight for. Where I think this crumbles for me is, only in the deepest darkest times of self loathing in the past … before therapy and before I understood that this wasn’t my fault did I ever wonder if my wife and son would be better off without me. Sometimes I wonder if my weight getting up over 400 lbs wasn’t my subconscious attempt to make myself really unhealthy.  I don’t know. I hope not.
But anyway, I only bring that up because you mention, logically, preparing for all outcomes including “you need to leave, now” … and those words strongly elicit in me not a desire to fight, but a feeling of surrender and desire to escape and save everyone from the pain. Which is probably, at least partly, why I’m optimistic… I’m not sure I’m strong enough not to be.

Love,
Allie


Offline jennifer7020

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Re: Allie’s Blog (or “The Blog Absolutely No One Demanded!”)
« Reply #303 on: June 24, 2022, 11:51:31 am »
Hey Jenn!

Thanks for the congrats AND the advice! You’re EXACTLY the kind of person to give advice because you’ve been where I am! Plus you’ve handled your situation with far more strength and courage than I could ever have which, frankly, is one of the things that terrifies me.

I’m not that worried about the perfect words. I mean I am but I’m not. I’ll fret and stress about it I’m sure but I’ve always found words come to me even in times of great emotional stress… as long as I know the point I want to make.

The only thing I’m not willing to do at this point, and I know it’s being naive … but I can’t bring myself to think adversarially. I don’t want to think about what I’d fight for. Where I think this crumbles for me is, only in the deepest darkest times of self loathing in the past … before therapy and before I understood that this wasn’t my fault did I ever wonder if my wife and son would be better off without me. Sometimes I wonder if my weight getting up over 400 lbs wasn’t my subconscious attempt to make myself really unhealthy.  I don’t know. I hope not.
But anyway, I only bring that up because you mention, logically, preparing for all outcomes including “you need to leave, now” … and those words strongly elicit in me not a desire to fight, but a feeling of surrender and desire to escape and save everyone from the pain. Which is probably, at least partly, why I’m optimistic… I’m not sure I’m strong enough not to be.

Love,
Allie

Most of the time I feel like an abject coward. I've taken too much abuse in the name of trying to keep other people stable or happy. Just to be clear and honest.

If I had a do-over, I'd take the advice a few people were trying to give. When my wife screamed 'you can leave' I'd suppress any urges to fight for my marriage and leave. Which wouldnt have been perfect but I'd have not wasted 9 months and counting for the something that isn't going to be saved. I'd carry guilt. I'd wonder. I'd be a little free-er.

Food for thought. If you told your wife "hey, I already do some things privately" would that be enough?

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Offline Rachel Montgomery

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Re: Allie’s Blog (or “The Blog Absolutely No One Demanded!”)
« Reply #304 on: June 24, 2022, 02:28:41 pm »
Hey Rachel!

What’s funny is, what you are suggesting is something my therapist suggested, or at least asked if I’d be open to, at either my first or second session.  At that time I was VERY resistant to the idea… mostly because the idea of all this had lived only in my head for so long, I expected that when I brought it into the real world it would simply go just as I’d imagined. I mean, why wouldn’t it, right? 🤦‍♀️

But the more we talked and the more I understood the way reality works (🙄) I’ve come to realize that … I can’t say 100 percent that would be ultimately something that would work for me? But I have no way of knowing until I try it. And there’s no reason to speculate anyway. I’ve decided that sharing this truth about myself with my wife is the most important thing. And what happens after that we will, hopefully, determine together. Or the very least will be greatly informed by her reaction.

Long way of saying I can absolutely now see a world where that’s how this resolves … because I need to be open to as much as I can.
Love,
Allie

For me, it worked out pretty well, though not ideally.  I was able to tell the most important person in my life, my partner/best friend, who I really am, and she told me she loved me anyway (but that we would divorce if I transition).  She also told me that if I had to transition, though it would hurt her immensely, she would always be my friend. 

Over time, she dialed back the acceptance a bit, but in the recent wake of family strife with my parents and siblings, she has been more supportive of me and my gender.  She still often reminds me that I am very strange (which doesn't offend me and I don't honestly disagree with), but she doesn't say it in a scornful or hateful way.  It is more of a tone of: "Well...remember, most people aren't like you. Not everyone is going to look at __X__ the same way you do, because your perspective is unique."

I am well aware that I am different from...well, everyone else.  I don't mind that being pointed out by someone who loves me anyway.  I hope you have someone who loves you anyway too.  And, maybe, your wife will be able to grow in acceptance and you can be closer than ever without a big secret hanging in the air.  I hope that for both of us.

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Re: Allie’s Blog (or “The Blog Absolutely No One Demanded!”)
« Reply #305 on: June 24, 2022, 11:21:57 pm »
For me, it worked out pretty well, though not ideally.  I was able to tell the most important person in my life, my partner/best friend, who I really am, and she told me she loved me anyway (but that we would divorce if I transition).  She also told me that if I had to transition, though it would hurt her immensely, she would always be my friend. 

Over time, she dialed back the acceptance a bit, but in the recent wake of family strife with my parents and siblings, she has been more supportive of me and my gender.  She still often reminds me that I am very strange (which doesn't offend me and I don't honestly disagree with), but she doesn't say it in a scornful or hateful way.  It is more of a tone of: "Well...remember, most people aren't like you. Not everyone is going to look at __X__ the same way you do, because your perspective is unique."

I am well aware that I am different from...well, everyone else.  I don't mind that being pointed out by someone who loves me anyway.  I hope you have someone who loves you anyway too.  And, maybe, your wife will be able to grow in acceptance and you can be closer than ever without a big secret hanging in the air.  I hope that for both of us.

Not very many days go by WITHOUT my wife telling me I'm strange, so that won't be an issue with us. LOL

But in all seriousness, I understand what you're saying.  Everyone finds their own level, and you two both are doing the best you can. That's all you can ask of anyone, really.

We talk so much about our future plans together, what we want to do in the next couple of years, in the next five years, 10 years, etc... that often makes me feel guilty and I worry that she could be angry and accuse me of being... disingenuous, I suppose? But honestly, I hope I can make her understand that I continue to have these discussions with her because, in my mind, I still see the same future... because we are same people today as we were six months ago and we will be the same people six months from now, etc... regardless of what happens.

That's a big conceit on my part, and certainly may not be how she feels... but it is how I feel.
 

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Re: Allie’s Blog (or “The Blog Absolutely No One Demanded!”)
« Reply #306 on: June 24, 2022, 11:26:21 pm »
Most of the time I feel like an abject coward. I've taken too much abuse in the name of trying to keep other people stable or happy. Just to be clear and honest.

If I had a do-over, I'd take the advice a few people were trying to give. When my wife screamed 'you can leave' I'd suppress any urges to fight for my marriage and leave. Which wouldnt have been perfect but I'd have not wasted 9 months and counting for the something that isn't going to be saved. I'd carry guilt. I'd wonder. I'd be a little free-er.

Food for thought. If you told your wife "hey, I already do some things privately" would that be enough?

I'm not sure Jenn, since I really don't do things privately... I mean, I dress a bit... but that has been mostly because my therapist was concerned that if I didn't at least explore that prior to coming out to my wife I could be in for a shock. But once I found it was very comforting and comfortable... while I do try to do it on occassion, I feel no strong pull to do it and so I wouldn't even call it something I "do" per se.

I think a large part of my hesitation on committing to doing it more often and exploring it further is I don't want to have to confess to things I'm doing/have done behind her back... other than telling her what I've learned via therapy.  I think once that's out in the open, I think exploring that space will feel a lot more rewarding.  But that's only a guess.

Offline Rachel Montgomery

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Re: Allie’s Blog (or “The Blog Absolutely No One Demanded!”)
« Reply #307 on: June 28, 2022, 11:56:01 pm »
Not very many days go by WITHOUT my wife telling me I'm strange, so that won't be an issue with us. LOL

I understand that I am strange, and as long as it is said in a loving way, it doesn’t bother me.  If she said it in a disgusted tone, or a hateful tone, it would strike me differently.

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We talk so much about our future plans together, what we want to do in the next couple of years, in the next five years, 10 years, etc... that often makes me feel guilty and I worry that she could be angry and accuse me of being... disingenuous, I suppose? But honestly, I hope I can make her understand that I continue to have these discussions with her because, in my mind, I still see the same future... because we are same people today as we were six months ago and we will be the same people six months from now, etc... regardless of what happens.

I believe that the core you will not change.  But, I would expect that you won’t be the same person if you transition.  I think that is the point of transitioning, to change…for the better.  To be happier, more joyful and to have more energy for the things you want to do, as opposed to wasting it trying to conceal who and what you are.  I guess that I hope you will be a different person, still you but experiencing life differently, and more fully.  The problem is, I don’t know exactly who you are to her, and a part that is important to her might not be there anymore.

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Re: Allie’s Blog (or “The Blog Absolutely No One Demanded!”)
« Reply #308 on: June 29, 2022, 02:10:42 pm »
I understand that I am strange, and as long as it is said in a loving way, it doesn’t bother me.  If she said it in a disgusted tone, or a hateful tone, it would strike me differently.

I believe that the core you will not change.  But, I would expect that you won’t be the same person if you transition.  I think that is the point of transitioning, to change…for the better.  To be happier, more joyful and to have more energy for the things you want to do, as opposed to wasting it trying to conceal who and what you are.  I guess that I hope you will be a different person, still you but experiencing life differently, and more fully.  The problem is, I don’t know exactly who you are to her, and a part that is important to her might not be there anymore.

Yeah Rachel I agree - I feel like all the ram that is spend suppressing who I really am, feeling guilty about it, etc… can now to used to be more present and joyful.  So I’d like to think I’d be a more engaged and happier version of myself.

We really are quite a couple.  She is away for work for two nights, and every since I stopped traveling for work about 18 years ago… this is a rare occasion… and neither of us like it very much.  We’re both so much happier when we’re around each other.
We have a lot of friends for whom the pandemic was a bit dicey with people working from home and being on top of each other.  Well I’m home every day with my health issues, so although it’s obviously more noisy when she’s working from home, I’m always happy when she works from home because then I get to spend more time with her.
After 30 years that seems pretty good to me.  And one of the reasons I hate the idea of messing that up, but at the same time I’m equally not comfortable with keeping something this big from her now that I understand it.

Offline Sephirah

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Re: Allie’s Blog (or “The Blog Absolutely No One Demanded!”)
« Reply #309 on: June 29, 2022, 02:47:30 pm »
I'll be honest, I really feel for you folks in long term relationships. With significant others. Mostly because I think that 90% of who we are as human beings... this is what our partners fall for. This is what makes a relationship last. It's that 10% which is the massive sticking point and that really makes me sad. Being trans isn't all you are. It isn't even a mentionable fraction of who you are. As a human being.

Most of what makes us... well... us... has nothing to do with gender at all. It's that X-factor that we exude all the time. And has literally nothing to do with being male, female, non-binary, or anything like that. The sad thing is that people often look at the 10% that DOES have to do with what bits go where and fit that to their life and world view. Which... when that changes, it changes their whole view of you.

If you only care about what someone looks like... you don't love them. It's just lust. It's a surface level biological urge. But it's hard to separate that from the deeper aspects of people that make you feel just... whole. For most people it's the full package. And separating that is hard... sometimes impossible.

For people who don't deal with being trans, it's something they never even think about. And it can be like trying to explain neurosurgery to an 8-year-old. Unless you are going through it, you can't really understand it. It's just words and vagueries.

Your wife didn't just fall for your gender, Allie. That was only a small part of it. The surface level part of it. The deeper part is something that won't change no matter what you do. Because it isn't tied to which gender you are. It's just your personality, your... soul, for lack of a better word. I hope that maybe she can get that. For both of you. <3

That's my view, anyway. :)
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Offline Rachel Montgomery

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Re: Allie’s Blog (or “The Blog Absolutely No One Demanded!”)
« Reply #310 on: June 29, 2022, 04:06:23 pm »
....I think that 90% of who we are as human beings... this is what our partners fall for. This is what makes a relationship last. It's that 10% which is the massive sticking point and that really makes me sad. Being trans isn't all you are. It isn't even a mentionable fraction of who you are. As a human being.

While I understand the sentiment, the reality is that our sex is important to us in who were are.  If it didn't matter to us, we wouldn't need to transition.  We'd just say "The world says that I am a man?  Alright then, it doesn't make any difference."  But, it does make a difference, and we all know that better than most cis people will ever understand.  When everything falls neatly into place, maybe you think it doesn't matter where everything falls...it will work somehow.  When you are cis, maybe it is easy to imagine that being cis is automatic, and that if your sex were the opposite you'd be equally happy.  But, we aren't happy with it, we DO experience dysphoria.  And, despite the fact that it is called "gender dysphoria", it isn't our gender that makes us unhappy, it is our sex that we are dissatisfied with and need to change with transition, we need the world to recognize us as who we are fully. 

Everything I have seen in my life suggests to me that MOST people are attracted to either men or women (not either/both).  There is nothing wrong with being bisexual, but most people have a preference one way or the other.   So, if who we are (if what sex we are) is that important to us (and it is), then isn't it reasonable to imagine that what sex we are makes a difference to someone else in a romantic relationship?

My wife seems to have come to terms with the idea that I am trans, but to her I am still a "man" because I present myself to the world as such.  She is not considered to be in a lesbian relationship.  She doesn't consider herself a lesbian.  She thinks of me as a man for a lot of reasons (mainly presentation).  And, to continue to be my wife she needs to continue to see me as a man, even if she knows I am trans.  So, I try to help her to see me that way.

In a relationship, who we are to the other person matters to the relationship.  To the kids, I am a father, to my wife a husband, to my parents a son, and if I stop fulfilling those roles, it shakes the foundation of the relationship.  Can it survive?  Some do.  But, thinking that 90% of who we are doesn't change doesn't mean much if that 10% is a deal breaker.  I have to admit, I am attracted to women and not men.  If my wife confessed to me that she wants to live as a man and I am free to transition too, I don't know that it would work for me.   

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The sad thing is that people often look at the 10% that DOES have to do with what bits go where and fit that to their life and world view. Which... when that changes, it changes their whole view of you.
Right.

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If you only care about what someone looks like... you don't love them. It's just lust. It's a surface level biological urge. But it's hard to separate that from the deeper aspects of people that make you feel just... whole. For most people it's the full package. And separating that is hard... sometimes impossible.
I think that for most people in a romantic relationship, the "full package" includes the other persons sex being compatible with their attractions.

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For people who don't deal with being trans, it's something they never even think about.
Agreed.

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Your wife didn't just fall for your gender, Allie. That was only a small part of it.
Well, to be sure that is true.  If it weren't true, Allie's wife would have taken literally any man who showed an interest.  But, that doesn't mean Allie's wife isn't heterosexual.  And, it doesn't mean that one of the critical pieces of the attraction formula wasn't Allie being a man.  Anything multiplied by zero is zero.  So, if the formula is a number of variable multiplied to each other, being a woman makes the formula result in a calculation that equals zero attraction.   

Online ImAllie

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Re: Allie’s Blog (or “The Blog Absolutely No One Demanded!”)
« Reply #311 on: June 29, 2022, 05:01:31 pm »
I'll be honest, I really feel for you folks in long term relationships. With significant others. Mostly because I think that 90% of who we are as human beings... this is what our partners fall for. This is what makes a relationship last. It's that 10% which is the massive sticking point and that really makes me sad. Being trans isn't all you are. It isn't even a mentionable fraction of who you are. As a human being.

Most of what makes us... well... us... has nothing to do with gender at all. It's that X-factor that we exude all the time. And has literally nothing to do with being male, female, non-binary, or anything like that. The sad thing is that people often look at the 10% that DOES have to do with what bits go where and fit that to their life and world view. Which... when that changes, it changes their whole view of you.

If you only care about what someone looks like... you don't love them. It's just lust. It's a surface level biological urge. But it's hard to separate that from the deeper aspects of people that make you feel just... whole. For most people it's the full package. And separating that is hard... sometimes impossible.

For people who don't deal with being trans, it's something they never even think about. And it can be like trying to explain neurosurgery to an 8-year-old. Unless you are going through it, you can't really understand it. It's just words and vagueries.

Your wife didn't just fall for your gender, Allie. That was only a small part of it. The surface level part of it. The deeper part is something that won't change no matter what you do. Because it isn't tied to which gender you are. It's just your personality, your... soul, for lack of a better word. I hope that maybe she can get that. For both of you. <3

That's my view, anyway. :)

I agree with both of you, oddly… but only because in some ways one of you is saying “I love ice cream” and the other one is saying “the sky is blue.”  😂

I don’t believe that my gender defines why my wife loves me, or do I think my gender “issue” will be the reason why my explaining all this to her would be potentially problematic.

Yes, I certainly shouldn’t and don’t expect my wife to suddenly be sexually attracted to women. That’s biological. But I mean, we’re attracted to each other as individuals… and don’t think any of this will break our intimate connection, even if it does potentially mean the end of our sexual intimacy.

On the other hand, the reason my trans-ness is an issue is only because it suddenly throws a huge challenge into our future to navigate.  Not that you ever know what the future will bring… so who knows what we have ahead of us, but certainly this WILL make things more challenging, that’s for sure. And I’ve at least had time to contemplate this, and for my wife it will, most likely, come out of left field. And that doesn’t feel very fair.

But of course I could be ridiculously and laughably wrong about all of this.  Time will tell.

Love,
Allie

Offline Sephirah

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Re: Allie’s Blog (or “The Blog Absolutely No One Demanded!”)
« Reply #312 on: June 29, 2022, 05:13:21 pm »
While I understand the sentiment, the reality is that our sex is important to us in who were are.  If it didn't matter to us, we wouldn't need to transition.  We'd just say "The world says that I am a man?  Alright then, it doesn't make any difference."  But, it does make a difference, and we all know that better than most cis people will ever understand.  When everything falls neatly into place, maybe you think it doesn't matter where everything falls...it will work somehow.  When you are cis, maybe it is easy to imagine that being cis is automatic, and that if your sex were the opposite you'd be equally happy.  But, we aren't happy with it, we DO experience dysphoria.  And, despite the fact that it is called "gender dysphoria", it isn't our gender that makes us unhappy, it is our sex that we are dissatisfied with and need to change with transition, we need the world to recognize us as who we are fully.

That's not what I'm saying, Rachel.  What I'm saying is that most of what goes into making you who you are has nothing to do with gender. Would you be more or less loving, funny, kind, witty, caring, smart, gentle... observant if you were one gender or the other? That's my point. A lot of the traits we have as people are outside of that. Feeling comfortable in your own skin isn't really the same thing, in my opinion. You're right, it does matter that we feel like how we see ourselves when we look in a mirror, or when we take a shower, or interact with the world.

My point is that a lot of things... speaking personally, MOST of what I look for in a person... has nothing to do with gender at all. I don't think Allie would be any less or more funny, or witty, or engaging, or charismatic, if she were male or female. So sure it matters to an extent... in how comfortable a person can be in their own body... but in my opinion it isn't associated with being one thing or another. It's a part of you that is just... there, you know? 

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Everything I have seen in my life suggests to me that MOST people are attracted to either men or women (not either/both).  There is nothing wrong with being bisexual, but most people have a preference one way or the other.   So, if who we are (if what sex we are) is that important to us (and it is), then isn't it reasonable to imagine that what sex we are makes a difference to someone else in a romantic relationship?

Again, I'm not disagreeing with you. The point I'm making is that... suppose you were looking for a potential partner, would you ONLY look for whether they were a man, or a woman, or a non-binary person? Is that the only thing that would matter to you? I suspect not. And if it was... then I would venture that any potential relationship would be over very quickly. That attraction is the first thing you go with, and then you go with the other parts of people that don't have anything to do with it. Does this person make you laugh? Make you feel good about yourself? Make you feel wanted, and loved, and needed? Does this person make you feel special? If so then okay. But do all those other parts have anything to do with what gender they are? If that initial attraction wasn't there, would you still get to experience that? No probably not, but that's not their fault.

I know what you're saying, Rachel. And you're right in a lot of it. The point I'm just trying to make is that most of who we are doesn't have anything to do with gender at all. They are traits common to everyone, no matter who they are. It's only really the biological aspect which opens the door to allow people to find out what those traits are. Which is fair enough. I don't deny that to most people that aspect is all important. But that doesn't make what I'm saying not true. :) You don't just fall for sexual organs. Not if you want something that lasts longer than a month. :P

Separating one thing from the other seems to be the biggest issue.

As an aside... I really hate ice cream lol. ;D
"It's hard to light a candle, easy to curse the dark instead." ~ Nightwish: Last Ride Of The Day

Online ImAllie

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Re: Allie’s Blog (or “The Blog Absolutely No One Demanded!”)
« Reply #313 on: July 02, 2022, 11:52:36 pm »
Had a really good session with my therapist this past week, probably the penultimate one before I come out to my wife. Our next one is scheduled for the 19th... and I think right now the 30th would be the target day to tell her.  So actually I might squeeze in one more that week as well. Probably will.

Anyway, the interesting thing happened today/tonight post-session.  During the session I told her all about my deep dysphoric issues with my body hair, and how I have those nights when I just go crazy itching like I want to rip my skin off... even though, until now I never connected the two issues.  I mean.. I feel foolish about that.  She gave me a pass, but she definitely agreed they were related.

It also made me realize that I used to have frequent (by that I mean 3-4 times a month) middle of the night panic attacks. I'd wake up just nearly hyperventilating... until my wife calmed me down. I never knew why or what was happening.  But since I started therapy in January? I haven't had a single one. Hmmm.

Anyway, with regard to the "itchy" stuff, she was asking if I was aware of any trigger events. Something that would explain why it would happen one night and not the next? Obviously she asked if I'd ruled out food issues, environmental issues (detergents, etc) and I had. 

But I told her know it was a real (my apology)... "head scratcher" (remember, I said I was sorry!)

Tonight thought? As I'm scratching and typing this ... and obviously not even in bed yet but full-well expecting it to be a bad night, I know what set me off.

My wife called me by my name.

I know that sounds weird, maybe? But it's true.

So I haven't worked in 7-8 years, since my migraines forced me to be home on disability.  So not being in an office and having a staff reporting to me, on the phone all the time, etc... means not hearing my name called/shouted all day.  Or at all.

Talking to friends and family on the phone, they don't use your name when you think about it. When you call your friend up, or a sibling, you just say "hi" and start talking... MAYBE you use their name once, if at all.  But likely not, right?

And with the pandemic the last few years... socializing has been non-existent.

And my wife normally calls me affectionate nickname stuff... honey, sweetie, etc... But tonight she was looking out the window at the huge puddle in our driveway from a thunderstorm and just called my name to come look at it... and it literally startled me.

And right after she did... I started to itch like crazy.

It made me realize how much I've really never liked that name... never felt comfortable with it... and I wonder if these other nights have been situations where I've heard it from her, someone else, on TV, etc...

I could just be ONE of the triggers, not the only one.   But regardless, it was kind of a surprising thing to learn.  Kind of happy to learn it, though. Makes a lot of sense to me.  Not sure if I sound like a crazy person or if it makes sense to anyone else,though. LOL

Love,
Allie

Offline Maid Marion

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Re: Allie’s Blog (or “The Blog Absolutely No One Demanded!”)
« Reply #314 on: July 02, 2022, 11:56:53 pm »
Hi Allie,

One of my issues is that folks can't understand why I have issues!
The stuff that bothers me doesn't bother normal people.

The reason I love golf is that it allows me to do a mental reset, sort of like rebooting your computer and it suddenly starts working again!

Marion

Online ImAllie

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Re: Allie’s Blog (or “The Blog Absolutely No One Demanded!”)
« Reply #315 on: July 03, 2022, 01:35:23 am »
Hi Allie,

One of my issues is that folks can't understand why I have issues!
The stuff that bothers me doesn't bother normal people.

The reason I love golf is that it allows me to do a mental reset, sort of like rebooting your computer and it suddenly starts working again!

Marion

Hiya Marion!

Oh the S.S. Normal LONG ago left port without me onboard, regardless of any gender-based issues… so I don’t really care about that. 😂. But I guess I was/am curious if name issues have triggered anyone else, dysphoria-wise. Kinda took me by surprise!

So glad you found a coping/centering method that works for you in golf!!! 

If you’re US-based, enjoy the long holiday weekend and happy 4th!

If you’re not? Have a great Sunday!!! 😘

Love,
Allie

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