....I think that 90% of who we are as human beings... this is what our partners fall for. This is what makes a relationship last. It's that 10% which is the massive sticking point and that really makes me sad. Being trans isn't all you are. It isn't even a mentionable fraction of who you are. As a human being.
While I understand the sentiment, the reality is that our sex is important to us in who were are. If it didn't matter to us, we wouldn't need to transition. We'd just say "The world says that I am a man? Alright then, it doesn't make any difference." But, it does make a difference, and we all know that better than most cis people will ever understand. When everything falls neatly into place, maybe you think it doesn't matter where everything falls...it will work somehow. When you are cis, maybe it is easy to imagine that being cis is automatic, and that if your sex were the opposite you'd be equally happy. But, we aren't happy with it, we DO experience dysphoria. And, despite the fact that it is called "gender dysphoria", it isn't our gender that makes us unhappy, it is our sex that we are dissatisfied with and need to change with transition, we need the world to recognize us as who we are fully.
Everything I have seen in my life suggests to me that MOST people are attracted to either men or women (not either/both). There is nothing wrong with being bisexual, but most people have a preference one way or the other. So, if who we are (if what sex we are) is that important to us (and it is), then isn't it reasonable to imagine that what sex we are makes a difference to someone else in a romantic relationship?
My wife seems to have come to terms with the idea that I am trans, but to her I am still a "man" because I present myself to the world as such. She is not considered to be in a lesbian relationship. She doesn't consider herself a lesbian. She thinks of me as a man for a lot of reasons (mainly presentation). And, to continue to be my wife she needs to continue to see me as a man, even if she knows I am trans. So, I try to help her to see me that way.
In a relationship, who we are to the other person matters to the relationship. To the kids, I am a father, to my wife a husband, to my parents a son, and if I stop fulfilling those roles, it shakes the foundation of the relationship. Can it survive? Some do. But, thinking that 90% of who we are doesn't change doesn't mean much if that 10% is a deal breaker. I have to admit, I am attracted to women and not men. If my wife confessed to me that she wants to live as a man and I am free to transition too, I don't know that it would work for me.
The sad thing is that people often look at the 10% that DOES have to do with what bits go where and fit that to their life and world view. Which... when that changes, it changes their whole view of you.
Right.
If you only care about what someone looks like... you don't love them. It's just lust. It's a surface level biological urge. But it's hard to separate that from the deeper aspects of people that make you feel just... whole. For most people it's the full package. And separating that is hard... sometimes impossible.
I think that for most people in a romantic relationship, the "full package" includes the other persons sex being compatible with their attractions.
For people who don't deal with being trans, it's something they never even think about.
Agreed.
Your wife didn't just fall for your gender, Allie. That was only a small part of it.
Well, to be sure that is true. If it weren't true, Allie's wife would have taken literally any man who showed an interest. But, that doesn't mean Allie's wife isn't heterosexual. And, it doesn't mean that one of the critical pieces of the attraction formula wasn't Allie being a man. Anything multiplied by zero is zero. So, if the formula is a number of variable multiplied to each other, being a woman makes the formula result in a calculation that equals zero attraction.
