Topic: The second go round

[TwoSpiritNerd]

Aside from my introduction this is my first post so I will try not to not to break any rules.

In full disclosure, I am here because I'm feeling quite isolated. I have a great support system made up of my partner and cis friends but I have no friends that can relate with what I am going through.

Without boring you all with the details, I de-transitioned at the end of 2014. At the time I was full time and planning GCS. In short, my children's mother was not able to take care of my two daughters and I was fighting for custody. I ultimately did get custody of them even though I was fulltime. This was a great victory and actually set precedence in the state of Indiana for trans parents winning a custody case.

My children moved in with me and were fine with my transition but due to the financial legal requirements and acquiring a home that was suitable for a family of three I could not afford HRT and all the other medical needs required to continue my transition.

I de-transitioned and raised my children to the best of my ability. They are grown now and on their own.

I honestly planned on living the rest of my life as male and just burying the woman I was, the woman I loved being.
In 2020 my best friend and I fell in love. We have known each other since we were 16 so she has known me through all my gender iterations. I landed a great job in 2014 with a company that has absolutely been the best job I have ever had and I am still there.

Over the last year my dysphoria has come back with a vengeance and I just can't lie to myself anymore. This has put a strain on my relationship and my partner has asked for time to adjust. I am perfectly fine with that and will give her all the time she needs without pressure. I love her more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. If the relationship ends I will never have a bad word to utter against her. She is an amazing soul. 

Now at this stage of my life I really need to make connections with others who have been or are in similar situations. That is why I am here.

Thanks for reading

[Rachel Montgomery]

Hello.  Welcome. 

I am nearly 60 years old.  I am not in exactly the same situation as you, but I am married to a woman and I have no transitioned.  I am going to try to find other ways to cope with dysphoria.  If I transition, she will divorce me.  But, as long as I want to be her husband, she wants to be my wife.  So, we both have wives we love.

I look forward to getting to know you.

[Rakel]

Good morning TSN,

Welcome to the Late Transitioner Club.

We all have our own issues and needs, but somehow, we have all come to the same conclusion. We need to live the remainder of our lives as our true selves. Speaking for myself only, the path to transition had many difficult events and was very expensive personally as well as financially, but the results are well worth the effort.

There will be many decisions for you to make in the near future. We will be happy to let you know what has worked for us, but keep in mind, only you must live with your decisions.

Take care and make your decisions carefully. 

[TwoSpiritNerd]

Thank you ladies! It will sometimes take me a bit to reply… busy life and all.

Rachel,  nice to meet you! I feel you’re pain. It takes a lot of strength to keep a marriage even though it my limit your true expression of who you are. I hope mine works out but I know I cannot pretend to be someone I’m not. If I did I would end up sneaking around behind her back and eventually getting busted and ruining everything anyway. So I’m going to be completely honest with her and let the chips fall where they may.

Rakel,
Sage advice for sure! Thank you!
Indeed I have a lot of decisions to make. The biggest one this time is I’ve decided to go much slower to give myself and those I care about time to adjust.

[Rachel Montgomery]

I have had to sneak a bit.  My wife’s don’t ask don’t tell policy clearly means “don’t do it in my presence.”  In all honesty, since I am trying to preserve (to the extent possible) her image of me, I don’t feel comfortable dressing in front of her anyway. 

Would it be nice to “be Rachel” with her, to have her help me with my makeup and to do things that we share already while I was presenting as Rachel?  Yes.  That is a fantasy I find appealing.  But, at the same time… I am so very much “me” around her anyway (and she is ok with me sharing those things), that I am actually afraid that if she saw me fully present as Rachel, she would never see me as a man again.  She wouldn’t be able to see me as her husband anymore.  I am afraid that if she saw me as Rachel once, it would seem so much more real to her than my presentation as [birth name].  And, then she would leave.  And, with her leaving, the life I have worked to build would completely fall apart. 

I don’t think I would cope well with that at all.  Maybe, in time I would be happier, but probably not. 

So, I think the next step for me would be for her to go to my psychologist with me.  Help her understand that I really need an outlet.  And, then work out that I would have a place to go and be fully me every so often.  She would know where I was going and why, and hopefully not be angry about it, but at least be tolerant.

[RandiL]

My now-ex wife wanted to control me. And that didn't work out. So I probably don't have advice relevant to you. All I can do is encourage you in your process. You are wise to go slowly, if it works for both of you.

My smartphone thinks it's smarter than me. It's probably right.

[TwoSpiritNerd]

Rachel,
I can totally relate to where you are coming from! My last marriage ended in part because of my first transition.
While I wasn't sad to see that one go, I will be absolutely heart broken if my current relationship falls apart.

I really hope you both can find common ground at a juncture that will make you both happy. If only open minds and open hearts could live peaceably together all the time, it would be a perfect world.

RandiL,
Sounds like you are better off without that one! Adding a toxic person on top of dealing with gender identity issues would definitely drive me to divorce court!

 

[Rachel]

Hi, it sounds like you know you priorities and needs. I wish you luck going forward.