Author Topic: No-one told me one of the most crucial requirements for transitioning  (Read 688 times)

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Offline Katelyn

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Is that one has to be able to fit in their target gender.  I've been living full-time for three years and I have yet to have any ciswomen friends, let alone much interaction with them.  The covid pandemic cut off much of my ability to meet both trans women and ciswomen in person, but the interactions I've had with other women (including trans women) have made me feel dismay, like I'm trapped in gender purgatory forever.  Not only that, my partner is transfemale (non passing), also has low morale.  I have little experience successfully making friends with cisfemales, let alone as female.  The cattiness, the passive aggressiveness, the sensitivity, the judgement by other females (that they hide until the worst possible time) sinks my morale as being female.  My experiences with males (especially before I became in gender limbo back in 2007) was far more friendly.  Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing.  Not feeling comfortable about if I'm passing or not, and do they judge transpeople harshly, is going in my mind when meeting cispeople.  And the trans community has not given me much help, as things never have really worked out with other more feminine trans women.

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: No-one told me one of the most crucial requirements for transitioning
« Reply #1 on: January 25, 2022, 11:22:15 pm »
Katelyn, I have sort of had the opposite experience, but maybe from a different place to start with. I could never have male friends, and all my friends were women pre transition. This was basically because my interests have always been more stereotypical female. I was invited to join a mothers club when I was living as a male as I was so involved in child rearing ( I was a singe parent with 2 children). Now it’s grandchildren, supporting others, and community activities, and I am included by women, even though I don’t really pass. It’s more about being on the same wavelength, and talking about things women are interested in. Women will talk to me about intimate relationship problems, because I can relate and contribute in a supportive way.

I guess it’s about sharing interests, no matter who you present as.

Hugs,

Allie
1958 Knew I should be a girl
1961 Told my mother I was a girl
1976 told my fiance I was trans
1999 told my 2nd wife to be I was trans
2000 began being me at home
2018 Dysphoria made me seriously sick
2019 started HRT, not sick any more!
        Started electrolysis
2020 Full time, legally Me!
2021 Labiaplasty
        Divorced again and on my own
2022 BA

Offline Rakel

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Re: No-one told me one of the most crucial requirements for transitioning
« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2022, 06:16:18 am »
Katelyn,

Many times I have spoke of the need for self acceptance before doing anything with regards to dealing with our dysphorias. With self acceptance, we are secure in our own lives. We do not need approval from others.

As for friends and relationships, this is a much too complex topic for me to comment on, except that I have noticed that friends seem to gravitate towards people with similar interests. Similar age's are another focal point. People seem to socialize within their generation, which I understand is because of their similar experiences growing up.

When it comes to close personal relationships, all understanding goes out the window. How many times have you heard of two completely different people being attracted to each other? This is one area where I just accept others for what they are and do not try to understand their situation. Live and let live, maybe?

For myself, I just try to be the best person I can. I do not always succeed, but I do not let any disturbance hinder me from being myself. This is who I am and I accept myself as I am.

Take care.  :-*




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I still keep my professional licence active and in good standing.


Online Devlyn

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Re: No-one told me one of the most crucial requirements for transitioning
« Reply #3 on: January 26, 2022, 06:45:57 am »
Katelyn,

Many times I have spoke of the need for self acceptance before doing anything with regards to dealing with our dysphorias. With self acceptance, we are secure in our own lives. We do not need approval from others.

As for friends and relationships, this is a much too complex topic for me to comment on, except that I have noticed that friends seem to gravitate towards people with similar interests. Similar age's are another focal point. People seem to socialize within their generation, which I understand is because of their similar experiences growing up.

When it comes to close personal relationships, all understanding goes out the window. How many times have you heard of two completely different people being attracted to each other? This is one area where I just accept others for what they are and do not try to understand their situation. Live and let live, maybe?

For myself, I just try to be the best person I can. I do not always succeed, but I do not let any disturbance hinder me from being myself. This is who I am and I accept myself as I am.

Take care.  :-*

Amen to that.  :)
Veteran, US Army

Offline Maid Marion

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Re: No-one told me one of the most crucial requirements for transitioning
« Reply #4 on: January 26, 2022, 06:53:24 am »
Yes, social interactions are important.  I have a feminine side that folks will open up to.

A great movie that shows the effect of social interactions is Wall-E.
Everyone one who interacts with Wall-E, who was originally designed as a robotic trash collector,
comes away better social skills!

Marion

Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: No-one told me one of the most crucial requirements for transitioning
« Reply #5 on: January 26, 2022, 07:17:55 am »
Katelyn, it sounds like you're hurting and if that's so, I wish it were otherwise. Loneliness is a hollowing, the prairie wind, a faucet dripping in the dark.

Allie and Rakel raise good points about mutual interests. When I was young, my female friends wanted to bar hop and kiss boys and above all, talk about boys. That was fun for a short stretch, but then I turned my attention, like Allie and many ciswomen, to children, which kept me so busy that there wasn't much time nor desire for cultivating friendships. Now I'm old and a gardener and my female friends and I chat about our homes and gardens. It is not my experience that women my age want to talk about makeup or fashion and some transwomen like to talk about these things, so if you do, that might be off-putting for potential friends as they likely passed through that phase way back when.

Pose questions too. People like to talk about themselves, so set them up to do that.


Offline Katelyn

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Re: No-one told me one of the most crucial requirements for transitioning
« Reply #6 on: January 26, 2022, 07:57:04 pm »
Katelyn, it sounds like you're hurting and if that's so, I wish it were otherwise. Loneliness is a hollowing, the prairie wind, a faucet dripping in the dark.

Allie and Rakel raise good points about mutual interests. When I was young, my female friends wanted to bar hop and kiss boys and above all, talk about boys. That was fun for a short stretch, but then I turned my attention, like Allie and many ciswomen, to children, which kept me so busy that there wasn't much time nor desire for cultivating friendships. Now I'm old and a gardener and my female friends and I chat about our homes and gardens. It is not my experience that women my age want to talk about makeup or fashion and some transwomen like to talk about these things, so if you do, that might be off-putting for potential friends as they likely passed through that phase way back when.

Pose questions too. People like to talk about themselves, so set them up to do that.

Part of my issue is that I still have a lot of insecurity, especially because I'm still afraid of people not seeing me as female, of dealing with people who are nice to me while they gossip about me behind my back, and that I don't have the "right" interests.  I have no instinct nor interests in having a child or interacting with children (although I LOVE cats and dogs), my partner is transgender (thus not exactly relatable), I'm bisexual (but more towards being attracted to women) which I feel would make other women uneasy.  My interests are basically cities, architecture, video games, photography, tech, stuff that are generally male dominated and even though women do them, its a mystery to where I can even meet other women like that, let alone during the COVID age. 

I'm also very sensitive myself, which makes it hard for me to deal with <not allowed> and drama stirring.  I've also been burned a lot, especially by women (both cis and trans.)

Offline Katelyn

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Re: No-one told me one of the most crucial requirements for transitioning
« Reply #7 on: January 26, 2022, 08:10:19 pm »
Katelyn,

Many times I have spoke of the need for self acceptance before doing anything with regards to dealing with our dysphorias. With self acceptance, we are secure in our own lives. We do not need approval from others.

My interests were originally in business and entrepreneurship, and it turns out (confirmed by at least two trans people) that it's heavily sexist, with white men in particular getting a lot more attention and interest than white women, let alone anyone who is not white.  In addition, much of it is still a boys club, with women being at a huge disadvantage to getting funding vs men (and funding is a HUGE factor in whether a company will survive or not), with one study showing that more than 90% of venture capital funding went to white men, with white women only getting 3%.  With one of the most crucial ways to get outside of the wage slavery of life essentially dictated largely by your gender, it makes it feel hard to feel like I would have to work much much harder than white men just to be able to get a fraction of the success at best.  A part of me doesn't want to accept that, doesn't want to accept essentially the handicaps of being a woman. 

Quote
As for friends and relationships, this is a much too complex topic for me to comment on, except that I have noticed that friends seem to gravitate towards people with similar interests. Similar age's are another focal point. People seem to socialize within their generation, which I understand is because of their similar experiences growing up.

I'm close to 40 years old, ciswomen my age are busy with managing their family and I don't really have similar things to worry about.

Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: No-one told me one of the most crucial requirements for transitioning
« Reply #8 on: January 26, 2022, 11:16:24 pm »
Katelyn, if connecting with ciswomen matters to you, expand your interests to overlap theirs. Yes, female-to-female dynamics are complex. Are you funny? Humor helps. Are you kind and generous with your time? These traits also make you more attractive as a gal pal.

Offline Chloe

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Re: No-one told me one of the most crucial requirements for transitioning
« Reply #9 on: January 27, 2022, 06:38:00 am »
Is that one has to be able to fit in their target gender . . experiences with males (especially before I became in gender limbo back in 2007) was far more friendly.  Sometimes I wonder . .

Well der, if wantin' to attract guys "passing" def helps (but, au contraire, not necc 'post-op') . .

. . otherwise compete for/with women, as a woman? (lol speak 'to the hand', slap-happy TERF's 'bout that!)
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Offline Katelyn

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Re: No-one told me one of the most crucial requirements for transitioning
« Reply #10 on: January 27, 2022, 01:05:20 pm »
Katelyn, if connecting with ciswomen matters to you, expand your interests to overlap theirs. Yes, female-to-female dynamics are complex. Are you funny? Humor helps. Are you kind and generous with your time? These traits also make you more attractive as a gal pal.

Since I was not raised as female, It is harder for me to feel confident about the way I'm coming off across as to ciswomen, all the unwritten rules that I may not know about.  To top it off, I don't have much natural social skills talent, so especially in groups I have had a hard time keeping "in good terms" with them over the long run.  Not being socially intelligent is one of the biggest curses one can have in life.

Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: No-one told me one of the most crucial requirements for transitioning
« Reply #11 on: January 27, 2022, 02:02:55 pm »
Katelyn, not being socialized over decades makes it harder for sure and a young brain is much more plastic, that is supple, than an older brain, so ciswomen were socialized when it was easier to learn. However, you're not without assets. Observe other women. You can do this in person or through the television. Note what they say and how they say it. Practice. Mimic. You might feel like a phony at first, but over time, the new role and behaviors will fit and feel natural. I've done a lot performing in my life and long before I stepped on stage, I was rehearsing. I rehearsed in the shower.I rehearsed in the car on the way to the theater. Heck, I was rehearsing in the wings, right up to the second I stepped on stage. When girls play with dolls and play house, they are rehearsing and they rehearse for years. Then they step onto the stage of the playground or middle school and they commit blunder after blunder, even with their quick-study brains. You'll make mistakes too. Forgive yourself when you do and learn from your errors.

Celebrate the good moments.

Brace for the bad ones.

As far as keeping "in good terms," being kind is kind of a cure-all.

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