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Allison's Story

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Allison R:
I guess this is where I am supposed to introduce myself. I am so new I don't even have a name I like, yet. I am a 52 year old something. I feel like I am going crazy. This can't be right. At least until the last few weeks. I remember as a kid wondering about things. Feeling like maybe I was born both genders, but my parents, wanting a boy, sewed me up and I was raised a boy (with no input from me). I even thought that I could feel the scar with my fingers. I don't have many concrete memories from early life. The feeling the "scar" is one of them.

Then when I started masturbating (around age 12) My first few thoughts were wondering what a woman feels during sex. Looking back I see that is weird. Not just wondering, but it being the first thoughts I have instead of thinking about how much fun that was as a guy. I am lost. I am married with 5 grown kids. I started questioning a couple of weeks ago because I have always had a  nagging depression that I could never put a reason too or get rid of, and I really just want to be normal.

So I got online and the rabbit hole led here. I REALLY don't believe my marraige would survive even just the admission. So there's that. I am also self employed, and have no insurance, I am lucky enough to not have any medical problems. Until now. I don't have access to therapy, can't afford it and my relationship is such that I couldn't spend the money for one without telling my wife. No purchases made by either of us without checking in. We really do have a decent annd respectful relationship. And now I feel like I am lying to her.

Dysphoria has me feeling like a building fell on me. And it was never like this until I had a name for it. I am at home for lunch right now wearing one of my wife's sports bra (yes it is helping as long as I don't see my face in a reflection) but I gotta go back in about a half an hour, and dressing is something I have never done because of the whole man in a dress thing. I need help. I need someone to talk to. And I have to do that around a work and l(w)ife schedule. I am sooooo screwed. Great, now I am crying.I'm sorry if this is too long or this isn't the right place for this. I am just so lost.

Allison R:
And I am sorry, None of this is funny and it feels like I started the post out trying to be funny. None of this is funny.

Northern Star Girl:
@Anonymiss
Dear Anonymiss
    I am happy to see that you have signed up as a member of Susan's Place and just now have submitted your first 2 postings. 

    As you post here on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you wrote about.
 
    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.
 
    I want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.   Other members will be along shortly to give you their thoughts about your questions and concerns that you mentioned in your very first posting.
   
    There is information and important LINKS that I have included below.   You will find information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask....

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle   northernstargirl@susans.org
Global Moderator

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 
Things that you should readSite Terms of Service & Rules to Live ByStandard Terms & DefinitionsPost Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)Cautionary NoteReputation rulesNews posting & quoting guidelinesPhoto, avatars, & signature images policyMembership Agreement

Allison R:
Moderator. I am going to use this as a journal going forward.
I know you cannot have one post in two places so please move this where it should go.
And I did something wrong yesterday with what I posted. I was told that there were some edits made so I did not offend anyone. If I did, I sincerely apologize. Yesterday was a bad day and the post yesterday was just a stream of conciousness and as a result I do not recognize what was edited out, so, please, someone inform me so I do not make that mistake agian. I certainly am going to need some friends, and I don't want to alienate anyone out of ignorance. And I think I would like to be called Allison. For now. I think I might speak with my Mom, and get a conversation started about baby names and see what they would have named me if I was born corrctly. Also, I wonder about DEC. Is there any way I can find out if it was being used in the hospital Iwas born at that year.

TYhank You
Allison

Allison R:
OK. After rereading and thinknig about it, I see what was removed and I understand why.

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