Topic: Allison's Story

[Allison R]

Yeah that's what I was thinking. If both end up going(not expected) then I wouldn't want T put back in my system. I suspect though that only lefty is up for possible termination and righty would end up taking up the slack. And honestly, I expect that it isn't going to go that way for me anyway. But I would absolutely not be upset if they were gone.

Allison

[Allison R]

Ok. So I never got the chance to go to the ER on my own. I was transported by ambulance yesterday and I have a massive UTI that migrated into my testes instead of my bladder. They checked for bladder, prostate, and testicular cancer and that came back negative, which leads me to believe that my weight loss is stress related which makes me feel better. I will be talking to my therapist about this though.

As far as the infection, I came in yesterday and I was told my WBC was three times normal, and by this morning that had dropped by about 30%, if it continues to go down as quick I will be going home tomorrow. My testicle is still swollen and painful, they have been giving me morphine for the pain. They tried aspirin and it did no good, so hopefully the will prescribe something when they let me go.

I just wanted to give everyone an update. I hope everyone has been having a better couple of days than I have, but that is a very low bar right now.

Allison

[Northern Star Girl]

@Allison R
Dear Allison:
Oh, this sounds painful and very serious...   I am glad that you did make it
to the ER and had the proper medical care and it is certainly good news that
the numerous tests came back negative for cancer.

There are some types and severity of pain that calls for the "big gun" pain relievers.

I hope that you can now get some needed rest so you can heal up and
get back to normal, healthy and happy.
HUGS,   
Danielle

[Sephirah]

*gives you a big, snuggly hug*

You will get through this, sweetie. I believe in you. You just have to believe in yourself. You'll get there. <3 The world needs you, missy. Never forget that.

[Allison R]

They were supposed to release me yesterday morning, but my day nursemyesterday decided that she was going to change some things up. I have been on three extremely strong antibiotics IV since I have been here. I have had no problem with them other than they make you a little loopy at the strengths I am taking them. The IV has been set to 100 mL per hour, but the day nurse today decided to double that, and within about 10 minutes of starting the IV I was violently ill. The machine quit pumping and went off and she came back in. During the time the alarm was going off, my nausea abated greatly. I explained all of this to her and she said it had to be set that high. I told her it hadn't been, and if she left it that high it was going to cause me problems. She didn't care. It caused me problems. This was at about 10  AM.

During his time the doctors made their rounds, and I was in such bad shape that I couldn't even participate in the consult. So the doctor decided to keep me until at least tomorrow morning.

I finally started to feel better at about 3:30. Not nearly as good as I felt before the IV, but good enough that I thought a shower might be apropos. As I was getting ready to go in the restroom the day nurse came in and said "looks like your feeling better" in such a snarky voice I wanted to smack her smile around the back of her head. Instead I showed her that my IV was leaking. She said after my shower she would come and either fix or move it. Shift change is at 7PM, and it was my night nurse who did my IV. And started meds again. I spent about 4 hours being completely ignored. I told the techs that came in about my IV. They told my day nurse. My day nurse never responded.

Right now I am feeling ok. My night nurse is wonderful. I am not nauseous, she listened to me when I described my day and made sure that the machine was set to run at th 100 mL rate that my body can tolerate. I got to eat dinner. Chicken Cordon Bleu. Not bad for hospital food. I can't wait til I can get an uninterrupted night of sleep though. It seems just as I hit REM sleep it's time for vitals again.

I must be feeling better, most of this post is me complaining. Thank you very much Danielle and Sephirah for the good wishes on my blog, and to everyone else that read this and sent me well wishes w/o posting. I get it. I do that almost everyday. But my thoughts are there so I am sure others are too.

I hope everyone has a good night.

Allison

[Mariah]

Allison,

So glad you got them to listen to you. Each of us knows our bodies far better than they do. Good luck with your up coming doctors appointment as well. Hang in there. Hugs
Mariah

[Rachel Montgomery]

I am sorry you have had some bad days.  I know a LOT of nurses, and they can get callous to other people’s pain.  I actually think it is a self protection thing for them.  I think they can either let other people’s pain bother them in which case they are in a perpetual state of worry, or they can block it out.  Some people can’t care enough to be kind while protecting themselves.

[Allison R]

Rachel that does make a lot of sense. Fortunately she was the only one I encountered. I explained to the night nurse that followed how I was dealt with and I had no more problems with the last two nurses. And you're absolutely right that we know more about our bodies and reactions than anyone else Mariah, we get the telemetry in real time. And if you don't speak up for yourself you're done. I had no one here for me at all. My wife is still out of town, and I have no one else out here. It took me two days to find someone to check on my dog. So if I didn't get them to listen I would've been in bad shape.

I am home now. They let me go this afternoon. Now that I have my paperwork I have the actual diagnosis. A UTI that caused epididymitis and orchitis. Just big words for what I have been saying. I have at least three weeks worth of heavy antibiotics. The doctor is one I have tried to get into for a PCP. I told him that and he said to call the office and he would take care of it. He wants me to follow up on the 11th. He said he sees this about once a year, but I think this one may have been the worst he's seen. Not sure I like that distinction.

Well I hope everyone has a good weekend. Mine will be busy. Lots to do around the house. Wife and MIL will be back in about 2 1/2 weeks. I'm not worried about this development at all.

Allison

[Allison R]

I had a follow up appointment today. Everything seems to be going back to normal. He said doubtful on any permanent damage. He is worried about my weightloss and has me doing several blood panels and other procedures scheduled for this month. Seems to be a good doctor, but while talking he realized I am from the DFW area he told me his wife is from Houston, and that Dalls is, get this, too liberal for his tastes. So he will be getting my business for the matters at hand, but my search for an affirming primary care goes on.

I did not ask what the panels he has asked for will show. I don't know if hormone levels are part of what he is looking at, but I intend to call tomorrow to ask, and if he doesn't have any panels about hormone levels I will request it. I would like to see what my T levels are. I feel like I have very low T. However, if it is low and he wants to put me on a testosterone replacement I don't know what to do. I guess just refuse it. I don't want to artificially inflate those numbers at all. And reading thru what some of us have had to do to get back off of testosterone doesn't seem fun. I have had withdrawals for,other things and I have no desire to have to do that again.

I have been feeling a lot of imposter syndrome. I know this isn't a race, or even anything that can really be compared between us, but I see progress being made by others and it makes me feel like if I am really a trans woman I should be making more progress. I know this is wrongheaded and counterproductive, but there are rational things, and irrational things, and you only have control of one. I am posting this as a kick in my pants to start being more active here. I know that it helps me. My therapist can tell when I haven't been involved on this site just by my general mood. So I will be more active on here even when it feels like I have nothing to contribute.

I was thinking earlier today about presenting even when you know you don't even come close to passing, and the bad responses come from the "incongruece" between our bodies and our presentation. The definition of GD has everything to do with the "incongruence" between brain and body. So the way I am going to try to frame all of this is that I dealt with my problems with "incongruence" for years to my detriment, and I am not going to hurt myself so that you don't have any "incongruence" to have a problem with. Your problems with your "incongruence" will go away when I am out of sight. Mine will go away when I am dead.

Well I hope everyone had a good, productive, and successful Monday.

Allison

[Rachel Montgomery]

I had a follow up appointment today. Everything seems to be going back to normal. He said doubtful on any permanent damage. He is worried about my weightloss and has me doing several blood panels and other procedures scheduled for this month. Seems to be a good doctor, but while talking he realized I am from the DFW area he told me his wife is from Houston, and that Dalls is, get this, too liberal for his tastes. So he will be getting my business for the matters at hand, but my search for an affirming primary care goes on.

I am glad that you sound like you are getting better, and it seems that you don't have a life threatening problem.  Thanks for letting us know.

I did not ask what the panels he has asked for will show. I don't know if hormone levels are part of what he is looking at, but I intend to call tomorrow to ask, and if he doesn't have any panels about hormone levels I will request it. I would like to see what my T levels are. I feel like I have very low T. However, if it is low and he wants to put me on a testosterone replacement I don't know what to do. I guess just refuse it. I don't want to artificially inflate those numbers at all. And reading thru what some of us have had to do to get back off of testosterone doesn't seem fun. I have had withdrawals for,other things and I have no desire to have to do that again.

Been there.  My T was so low that I felt awful.  Daily migraines, always tired, triglycerides several times normal, liver enzymes off, constant and serious irritability (rage) and mood swings.  I ended up taking Clomiphene to boost my T.  At least I am not taking T, but it still felt like a betrayal of myself for quite a while.  My health is much better though.  I asked a specialist endocrinologist in the field of transition whether E (as opposed to T) would make the symptoms go away.  I found his answer inviting, but unhelpful.  He said: "I can prescribe it for you and we can see how you feel."  I mean, OBVIOUSLY!  But, don't you already have a strong feeling as to what the result would be, and can't you let me in on that expectation?

Anyway, it is a tough emotional decision to make.  But, congratulations.  You may get the chance to decide for yourself.  Sorry.  Assuming that your T is law, whatever you decide to do, know that you can always change your mind.  Of course, there could be some collateral effects.

I have been feeling a lot of imposter syndrome. I know this isn't a race, or even anything that can really be compared between us, but I see progress being made by others and it makes me feel like if I am really a trans woman I should be making more progress. I know this is wrongheaded and counterproductive, but there are rational things, and irrational things, and you only have control of one. I am posting this as a kick in my pants to start being more active here. I know that it helps me. My therapist can tell when I haven't been involved on this site just by my general mood. So I will be more active on here even when it feels like I have nothing to contribute.

I am glad you have found something that makes you feel better.  I know that everyone here looks forward to seeing your contributions. 

I was thinking earlier today about presenting even when you know you don't even come close to passing, and the bad responses come from the "incongruece" between our bodies and our presentation. The definition of GD has everything to do with the "incongruence" between brain and body. So the way I am going to try to frame all of this is that I dealt with my problems with "incongruence" for years to my detriment, and I am not going to hurt myself so that you don't have any "incongruence" to have a problem with. Your problems with your "incongruence" will go away when I am out of sight. Mine will go away when I am dead.

That is a good point.  They deal with you when you are standing in front of them, but everywhere you go, you are there.  There is no getting away from yourself.  So, it makes more sense for them to be tolerant as they deal with it than for you to constantly struggle with it.

[Allison R]

Thanks Rachel. As a doctor I think this guy is on his game. He is worried about the unintended weightloss and wants to run a PSA even though the scans from Last week looked good, and I am scheduling a colonoscopy later this mont as well. At my age the two most common cancers are prostate and colon, so I am praying both of those tests have good outcomes. I am not going to be keeping him as a primary care after I have the UTI completely cleared and I have gotten a good grasp on what needs doing. He and his office staff do not come across as the "accepting" types, so I wouldn't even have the courage to ask if they are TG friendly.

If only it were so simple to just try E and see. I have considered just going ahead with low dose and not tell my wife until I had an idea of it's efficacy. And of course to the endo, it isn't as life changing as to someone who will be living with the consequences of this decision.

I would like to try a low dose just to try to get rid of these doubts. But I am very aware of the likely results, and understand that once medically started I would not have any desire stop the process.

Unfortunately the world is comprised of people who only value others when they are getting something out of it, so what, to any person with two brain cells to rub together  can see is common sense is sublimated by the patently false idea that my identity directly correlates with their's. So, me trying to be happy is an existential threat.

Thanks to everyone who is reading. I hope that you get something out of it, even if it turns out to be a cautionary tale. I know I get a lot out of the triumphs and heartbreaks. It is such an inspiration. And more than a little bit motivational as well.

Thanks again Rachel. I hope everyone's Tuesday makes up for whatever Monday may have thrown at you.

Allison

[Northern Star Girl]

@Allison R
Dear Allison:
I am wishing you well as you deal with your medical issues and I am glad that
you found a doctor that is being quite thorough with the diagnosis process.

I fully understand your caution and trepidation regarding getting started on HRT.   
Nothing happens quickly with HRT so just trying it for a brief time will probably
not provide you with a clear direction of how you wish to proceed.
Transitioning is much more of a mental thing that a physical thing and this is
where you need to continue seeing and talking to your therapist about your
feelings and issues.....  they will help you to sort out your thoughts.

Thank you for keeping your Blog thread updated.... I and the rest of your
avid followers are always rooting for your success and happiness.

HUGS,
Danielle

[Sephirah]

Unfortunately the world is comprised of people who only value others when they are getting something out of it, so what, to any person with two brain cells to rub together  can see is common sense is sublimated by the patently false idea that my identity directly correlates with their's. So, me trying to be happy is an existential threat.

Sadly this is true. And massively unfortunate. But it is not about you, Allison. Criticism always tells us more about the critic than the criticised. People feel threatened, and your very existence causes them to question themselves... which they hate above almost everything else. Looking inwards is one of the hardest things we as people can ever do. Because it opens Pandora's Box.

But the truth is, you can't live your life for other people. That's basically dying by a different name. When you lose sense of self, you lose everything that ever made you... you. And... you're worth more than that. You're worth more than appeasing people you've never met because you know it might make them feel bad.

Sometimes you have to stop living your life for others, Allison. And start living it for you. You're the person who will be there at the end. When all these people you tried to please have been and gone. You're the person you look at in the mirror every day and ask "Am I doing the right thing?" It's hard when your self-belief has been eroded to almost the point of non-existence... but this is why I try to hammer home... you matter. You're valuable. Who you are and how you feel is just as important in this world as anyone else. And to be denied that is wrong. To live your life you first have to know your life. Know you and who you are. That's the fundamental building block to interacting with the rest of the world.

Everyone else gets a chance, why shouldn't you?

I get imposter syndrome. But after talking to you privately... honey.... you just need a way out. A way to express you. I've seen thousands of people come through this site. To the point where I feel I'm pretty good at reading people. You just need a lifeline. You are you already. You're just dealing with stuff. As so many of us do, okay? It will take as long as it takes. But never feel like you don't belong or you aren't doing things fast enough. There's no timetable, other than the one you make for yourself. You are you. Then, now, and always.

Never forget that.

I believe in you. *massive hugs.*

[Allison R]

Thank you Sephirah, that has made me feel better. I have read and reread it a few times. I need to curb my codependent tendencies. If not I will forever be living someone else's idea of who and what I am. I understand where the imposter syndrome comes from for me. I seem to have so many obstacles to overcome before I can even begin to look at the obstacles I will be dealing with to transistion, and that leaves me feeling like I am accomplishing  nothing.

Health wise, the swelling continues to go down. I continue to lose weight. I have not heard from the referred doctor about the colonoscopy yet, and I am going to wait on my blood panels until a week or so before my appointment so my doc can get the freshest results I can give him. The weight loss scares me. I am feeling much better though. I still have way less energy than I should, but mentally and physically I am feeling better.

My moods have generally been better than they were before I went into the hospital.

My wife and I are at least in the same book again finally, if not on the same page. We are working together again, and getting along. My MIL is moving down here with us so we can take care of her. I am a little worried about that. My wife and I have obviously had some serious stress on our relationship, and the addition of another fully grown and semi mature adult that needs to be taken care of like a child will absolutely not relieve any of the original stress. But we are getting along at the moment, which puts have the conversation with her back on the table sometime this summer. With the caveat that my health doesn't get in the way. It would be a fitting end to this screwed up life if, after finally figuring out what I need to start doing to be happy, I am told I have six months to live. I somehow always end up as the statistic and then held up as a cautionary tale. And I hope this time isn't like that.

I hope everyone has the best Friday Eve they have had this week.

Allison

[Rachel Montgomery]

Allison, I hope you’ll be just fine health wise.  But, I am concerned for you.  Please keep us updated.

I would expect that the whole MIL thing makes coming out that much more emotionally complicated, particularly for your spouse.  Her cup will already be overrun.  But, she will be in less of a position to run you off.  She’ll need your help and support. 

[Sephirah]

Thank you Sephirah, that has made me feel better. I have read and reread it a few times. I need to curb my codependent tendencies. If not I will forever be living someone else's idea of who and what I am. I understand where the imposter syndrome comes from for me. I seem to have so many obstacles to overcome before I can even begin to look at the obstacles I will be dealing with to transistion, and that leaves me feeling like I am accomplishing  nothing.

Health wise, the swelling continues to go down. I continue to lose weight. I have not heard from the referred doctor about the colonoscopy yet, and I am going to wait on my blood panels until a week or so before my appointment so my doc can get the freshest results I can give him. The weight loss scares me. I am feeling much better though. I still have way less energy than I should, but mentally and physically I am feeling better.

My moods have generally been better than they were before I went into the hospital.

My wife and I are at least in the same book again finally, if not on the same page. We are working together again, and getting along. My MIL is moving down here with us so we can take care of her. I am a little worried about that. My wife and I have obviously had some serious stress on our relationship, and the addition of another fully grown and semi mature adult that needs to be taken care of like a child will absolutely not relieve any of the original stress. But we are getting along at the moment, which puts have the conversation with her back on the table sometime this summer. With the caveat that my health doesn't get in the way. It would be a fitting end to this screwed up life if, after finally figuring out what I need to start doing to be happy, I am told I have six months to live. I somehow always end up as the statistic and then held up as a cautionary tale. And I hope this time isn't like that.

I hope everyone has the best Friday Eve they have had this week.

Allison

It's all a matter of perspective, Allison. What is big to one person is small to another. What matters to one, is trivial to another. Overcoming things in your life is never easy. If it were, we wouldn't have to overcome them, okay? Don't look at the mountain you feel you have to climb. Look at the next step you take to get to base camp one. Take it one thing at a time. One step at a time. This life is different for everyone. And we all face different things, and different challenges to get through them. There is no universal path to being yourself. Everything is equally valid. Your journey is your own, okay? No one else's. It's unique to you.

I know it's easy to see people doing different things and feeling like "Why do they have it so easy and I feel like I have to struggle for every breath?" But what you have to understand is that everyone feels that way. Because as I say, what matters to one person might not matter to another. It's all about perspective and understanding that everyone is different. There are innumerable paths to the same destination.

You're still here, sweetie. That's an accomplishment. There was a time in my life where I was told I probably had, at most, three years to live. This was almost twelve years ago now. The desire for life is stronger than almost everything. Every day you move... forward or backwards, is an accomplishment. There was a time I almost gave up and gave in. Thinking what's even the point. Why even bother? I tried to exit stage left, several times, to just be rid of the world. But sucked at it, lol. Or had some very caring people around me. Either way... the result was the same. I'm still here. And now I find fulfilment helping other people want to be here, too. I've found my reason to live.

Living is not the same as wanting to live. People can be perfectly healthy yet die of a broken heart. The desire to keep going is a big thing. It really is. I said this to someone else once... your existence isn't measured by how many days in your life, it's how much of your life is in each day. It's a powerful force, Allison. The body has incredible resilience, but most of that comes from the mind.

You can do this, sweetie, I know you can. Baby steps, okay? Take it one thing at a time and you'll get there. I believe in you. *massive hugs*

[Allison R]

Rachel, thank you. I will keep you updated. I think I will be fine. I don't think I am ill. I think that this year has been highly stressful and that stress has to go somewhere. I think it has caused, or at least exacerbated, my health problems this year. I really don't think I have cancer. I am just a drama queen. Hysterics are all the rage this year. As far as my MIL, I will admit the thought that my wife will need me and won't run me off over this has crossed my mind. But I don't think it will make that much of a difference in her thinking. She either will or won't accept me, and it will all be up to her. My gut tells me that just coming out to her will be make or break. That is when I feel like the is most likely to just quit. I think if she makes it thru the talk without breaking up with me, we will make it. I don't have a lot of hope with that though. She is having problems with me no longer having facial hair. Like she is bringing it up every other day or so. I cannot imagine how she would react to me growing breasts. That made me laugh.

Rachel I hope that you have had a good day today, and your evening is gentle.

Sephirah I will shoot you a message.

Allison

[Allison R]

Just a few things tonight, and they aren't depressing at all.

Really.

First, I decided a little retail therapy was in order, so I went to a store and bought me some new panties for the first time without my wife there as cover. No one noticed, or if they did they didn't care. There is one irrational fear down, on to the next.

Also I have been thinking a lot about the possible losses that coming out will most likely bring me, and after some thought I have come to this conclusion. If I had been born with a female body, all of the relationships and people in my life other than family would be different. So, if I lose someone due to transition it is really just a reset of my life trying to get it as close to what should have been as possible. That most likely that person would not be in my life anyway. It won't lessen the impact of losing say a spouse, but it gives me some comfort.

Lastly, I was not able to afford a tdoc session this week. She is not on my insurance plan yet, and I found her before I got insurance. At this point I like her and trust her, and it would be counterproductive to try to start over with someone else. When I told her, she offered to see me anyway. I really like her, and am grateful. I just wonder if she did this because she wants to keep tabs on me. She made it plain today that this would be a normal thing. I am sure that if I abuse it it won't be on offer for long, but it does make me feel better knowing that if I need to talk to her and can't afford it she will be there irregardless. So even if it is a way to check up on me I am still happy for it. And really, if she is wanting to check up on me, that makes me feel better too.

Have a good night all.

Allison

[Northern Star Girl]

@Allison R
Dear Allison:
I am encouraged to read your happy and optimistic update here on your Blog Thread.

Shopping therapy is many times a good solution to help offset depression and feeling down.
... and wow-whee.... you were able to confidently buy female
specific undergarments without the "cover" of a female companion while you went to the checkout.
That says a lot about your self-assurance and self-confidence....  good for you!!!!

Regarding the possibility of losing some of your past friends when you announce to them
that you are on your transition journey....  this sometimes happens to most of us that are
on this journey. 
I lost a few of my "long time" friends when I made the "announcement" but the
friends that stayed true to me have turned out to be very supportive and accepting, both
males and females.

The biggest gauntlet was with my parents.... in their later years, they have a difficult time
accepting the fact that their son is now their daughter....
My DAD refused to talk to me or to receive my phone calls for several years.  My MOM did
soften up a little and did talk with me, but still had difficulty with acceptance.   Finally, my
DAD will now talk to me but he barely, if at all, is reluctantly accepting of me.
I am still always "dead-named" by both my DAD and MOM.

My extended family for the most part accepts me and addresses me by my new name.
When I make the long trip to be involved in family events and holidays, I do feel some
stiffness from some of the extended family members.

I am pleased to read of your experiences and positive attitudes from your T-Doc and from your
therapist.  You should be very encouraged by your treatment from them...

Thanks again for sharing your positive news.....  I, and the rest of your followers, are always
rooting for your success and happiness.

HUGS,
Danielle

[Maid Marion]

Hi Allison,

Good to hear you found someone you can trust.

I did a lot of retail therapy.  I bought rose bushes, Amazon Prime stuff, Target stuff, and some flirty clothes on Ebay.  Lots of stuff on sale!

Marion