Topic: Allison's Story

[Jessica_Rose]

When you are starting out, the good days can seem pretty scarce. They slowly increase in frequency, and eventually the bad days become scarce. It does take time, and patience. There are rough days ahead, but there are also beautiful days on the way. Glad to hear you had a good day today.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Allison R]

They are nice when they come. I am hoping for a twofer. Thanks for the encouragement, Jessica. I hope you have a good night.

Allison

[Allison R]

Looks like another good day today. I had my day planned out such that I would feel comfortable underdressing(thought they had been seen a couple of weeks ago), and I am ending up driving a few hours with my business partner, and I let my wife wear my belt this morning, and as we all know women's undies are a lot more silky than mens. Since I don't have any hips to hold my pants up, they just keep wanting to slide all over the place. A little nerve wracking, but I will make it.

Insurance is done, now I am on the hunt for a talented and affirming PCP to start getting healthy again. All across the board. Also I am feeling pretty good because I figured out my name. Allison is still part of it though, so I don't need any changes here. I also now have Allison's email set up since I got my name right finally. A very good week so far.

I am fervently hoping for a wonderful day for us all.

Allison

[Sephirah]

Just stopping by to give you a big cyberhug. Because reasons.

*huggles*

[Allison R]

And those are some good reasons. Thanks Sephirah, hugs are always welcome, as are you.

Allison

[Allison R]

So I finally have a bead on my relationship with my wife. All of her anger towards me stems directly from me no longer being (apparently)willing to be the man she fell in love with. I have allowed this to get to the point that I have almost ruined us financially and emotionally. In my defense, I had no idea what this was, or the fact that it would eventually get to big for me to control anymore. I want to reiterate I am not out to my wife. I have just simply failed at being her man. We all here know why, but in my wife's mind it is by choice.

Either way, if she is angry at me for not being her "man", her world would explode if I asked her to accept me as her woman. I have made two promises to two different women that are mutually exclusive, and  if I am only able to keep one, it has to be the promise I made to myself. Besides, I think that even if the promise I made to my wife isn't null and void at this point, I really dont think I have kept that promise to her anyway. And if I dont keep the promise to myself I will just continue the destruction of everything around me anyway. So, rock, meet hard place.

All of this, and yesterday still turned out to be a three-fer with my full expectation of today making for four good days in a row. I think I may have turned a corner on accepting this myself. And I am also starting to see an actual path forward and I am taking the first steps. I am sure that is helping a great deal.

I hope everyone has a phenomenal day!

Allison

[Brooke Renee]

Hi Allison! 

I too am on the road to self acceptance, each step I take seems to bring a tiny bit of peace.  We have to take care of ourselves, this "condition" or "birth defect" or "whatever" will be the end of us if we don't. 

Happy to read that you are underdressing!  My self acceptance has led me to see my male clothes as crossdressing, cute tops and panties are what women like us wear.  A small perspective shift but mentally impactful nonetheless.


Have an amazing day!

Brooke Renee

[Allison R]

Today was a rough day externally. I think I blew the engine in my truck. This truck became a problem a year ago at 170K and it has been one headache after the other. Stranded my wife and I 60 miles from home today and cost 250 bucks and four hours to get it back home. Gonna look at it tomorrow and decide if it is worth anymore of my time and energy. I really kind of doubt it.

I almost let it become an internal problem as well, but I guess my time with my therapist (and Danielle's thread Positive mindset) is starting to pay off. So even though the day sucked and certainly doesn't continue my streak, I am still gonna count it a win.

I really hope everyone here has had a much better day than me.

Allison

[Jessica_Rose]

Sorry to hear about your truck, I hope the repairs turn out to be reasonable.

I used to get really angry when things didn't go as planned. If two or three things went wrong in a short time span, I would go ballistic. After discovering the source of my anger and and taking steps to fix it, I am no longer held hostage by anger. i just take one step at a time to resolve the issues. I realized that no amount of anger or rage will fix whatever is broken.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Allison R]

Thanks Jessica. I think the truck is toast. It is what it is. Just life. I did have to work hard yesterday managing my mood, and I had my wife there so I also had to manage hers. Like I said, I am gonna put it in the W column.

Today is a better day. Wife is busy so I have some time alone, and that's a good thing. I certainly have a lot to go over with my tdoc. She is earning her money with me.

Well I hope everyone has a good day today. I am hoping for a quiet one.

Allison

[Allison R]

Despite all that has gone wrong this weekend, it has still been a good one. My wife and I are getting along superficially. It feels very brittle, and ready to crumble at any minute. But I am prepared for it.

Had a very eye opening conversation with my Dad this weekend. The only people I feel the need to tell about me are my wife and parents, and I have expected my parents would be ok with it. Not happy, but ok, but I see that it isn't going to be that way. I asked in a thread shortly after I became a member here about getting no support from anyone who is close to you. I think with my parents the wise choice is to live my life and gently break it to them when I am farther along or done. Although if my Dad has been disappointed in me my whole life, what difference could this make anyway, right? I'm not gonna find out. I have always ended up being the statistic, so, better safe than sorry.

I expect my relationship to fall apart before the need to tell my wife, and if not, I am going to start talking with my therapist about my fear of being alone tomorrow, and then decide to tell my wife or just leave her. I know how cold that sounds but if she is unaccepting like I believe she will be, she will do nothing but cause problems. Outting me to everyone she could. I don't have it in me to deal with ALL of my family about this at once. And if she started to do that I would have to get in front of it. It is going to be stressful enough without adding to it.

So I am in a holding pattern for now. Things will probably start moving a little quicker after the first of the month. Insurance starts then, and I am going to go ahead and have options available for then. This logjam will break up some over the summer.

Have a good Sunday everyone!

Allison

[Allison R]

So, therapy this afternoon. I have a whole list of things I need to work on. More than we will be able to get to today I am sure. The landscape I saw ahead of me changed after the convo with my Dad. I need to figure out what this is going to mean, and how I will be able to cope going forward without any support from the people I value now. I have come to the conclusion that I just need to accept the fact that I will have to rebuild my life from the ground up. New friends, family, acquaintances, work, hobbies. And that acceptance is what I need help finding. And if it turns out to be a wrong premise, then I will be pleasantly surprised.

I will post after my session.

Have a good day all.

Allison

[Allison R]

So my therapist didn't show. I hope everything is ok, she didn't give me a heads up that she would be missing it. I really needed to talk to her today too, but it is just more of the stuff that has been happening around me the last week. I am sure I will hear from her today at some point and we will reschedule for later in the week, but I am already stretched pretty thin by the time I see her. Since I am paying out of pocket, every other week is all I could budget in. The only validation that I get is online and from my therapist. I always feel better after we talk, but that feeling wanes quickly.

Well I will post when I get another appointment set.

Have a good day.

Allison

[Northern Star Girl]

Allison R
Dear Allison:
Oh, that is sad that your therapist didn't show, and did not even bother to give you a heads up...
... I hope that you get a firm appointment soon.
Thanks for keeping me and your other avid followers updated.

Hugs, and I am always wishing well. 
Danielle

So my therapist didn't show. I hope everything is ok, she didn't give me a heads up that she would be missing it. I really needed to talk to her today too, but it is just more of the stuff that has been happening around me the last week. I am sure I will hear from her today at some point and we will reschedule for later in the week, but I am already stretched pretty thin by the time I see her. Since I am paying out of pocket, every other week is all I could budget in. The only validation that I get is online and from my therapist. I always feel better after we talk, but that feeling wanes quickly.

Well I will post when I get another appointment set.

Have a good day.

Allison

[Allison R]

Thanks Danielle. I actually kept the webpage open for the whole hour and she popped on right at the end. She thought I was an hour later of an appointment than I was.

It was a good session. I explained all of the roadblocks that I see and what I think I need to do to remove them or to course correct myself and she agreed with it all. She said that it is obvious that I have been doing some real thinking and that I seem to be making good, informed decisions. I also told her that I was ready to start moving forward and she agreed with that as well. She is going to talk with other patients and clinicians to find a PCP that I will feel comfortable with over the next day or two, and that when I get to the point of start HRT that she will give the endocrinologist whatever they need, if they need anything at all.

So, I have a plan, I am working my plan, and I have now had someone validate my thought processes, and the plan. It has been a good day. Better than I had hoped.

Allison

[Northern Star Girl]

@Allison R
Dear Allison:
I am so very glad that you had thought to keep the web page open
and that your therapist came online.

It sounds like you had a productive session and that your therapist will be working on
helping you to find an acceptable PCP.

I like your "plan" and I am wishing you success and happiness as things progress.
HUGS,
Danielle

[TXSara]

It was a good session. I explained all of the roadblocks that I see and what I think I need to do to remove them or to course correct myself and she agreed with it all. She said that it is obvious that I have been doing some real thinking and that I seem to be making good, informed decisions. I also told her that I was ready to start moving forward and she agreed with that as well.

That's fantastic, Allison!  I'm really glad that you are doing all of the work required to get yourself mentally ready.  I think that's more important than the physical changes, to be honest.  Hang in there, sis!  Next time you're in Dallas, we'll have to do a metal show! 

I saw that nobody is responding to your "personal ad" in the Florida area -- that's really too bad.  I think this website just doesn't have a whole lot of traffic -- at least traffic that is willing to move beyond "lurker" stage. 

Folks, this is silly.  I'm seeing 283 guests and only 10 users online right now.  I know there's somebody out there that (a) lives near this wonderful woman, and (b) needs support of their own.  I know it's scary to let a "trans website" see your IP address.  Believe me, I was there.  I was convinced that the NSA was going to flag me as some weirdo perv and I would lose my security clearance.  No joke!  News flash:  Nothing happened.  Nobody cares.  Be nice.  Be a friend.  Rant over.

~Sara

[Allison R]

Thanks Sara! The way I see it, I kind of owe myself the opportunity to be the best I can be mentally and physically. Won't do me any good to be just as screwed up as a woman as I have been trying to be a man. Trying to fix the mental stuff is how I got here, that was the goal to begin with, so I am not gonna stop now.

And as far as someone near me, I am not looking for anyone to go out en femme, just people who get it and I can hang out with in a safe environment. People that I don't have to hide around. Oh well. It doesn't really matter. This is happening whether I am alone or not. Just another scary part of transition. What's one more right?

And as far as the lurkers, if the NSA is right, and you are some kind of weirdo perv, we will thank you to keep to yourself, however, if you aren't, then, please, come in, I know you have questions, and this is where I started getting my answers.

In other news, while still not coming out to my wife, a situation has arisen where I have talked her into not freaking out if I am underdressed today, with the idea that I may like them (LOL) and decide to wear them regularly. Two schools of thought. She either really just doesn't care and wouldn't think it weird, or she is a lot more observant and a lot more filtered in what she says than what experience tells me she is. Doesn't matter, I am going to take advantage today, and the litmus test will be tonight as we are getting ready for bed and she sees them on me.

I hope all of our dreams come true today.

Allison

[Jessica_Rose]

...In other news, while still not coming out to my wife, a situation has arisen where I have talked her into not freaking out if I am underdressed today, with the idea that I may like them (LOL) and decide to wear them regularly. Two schools of thought. She either really just doesn't care and wouldn't think it weird, or she is a lot more observant and a lot more filtered in what she says than what experience tells me she is. Doesn't matter, I am going to take advantage today, and the litmus test will be tonight as we are getting ready for bed and she sees them on me.

I hope all of our dreams come true today.

Allison

This reminds me of an old joke, I hope no one finds it offensive.

Two people were getting dressed at the gym after working out and showering.
Person #1: (pulls on a pair of panties)
Person #2: Bob, when did you start wearing panties?
Person #1: Since my wife found a pair in my truck.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Allison R]

Hahaa.

I am going to make sure I tell that joke today. In fact, I am going to tell it to my wife this evening as we are getting ready for bed.

Thanks for the early morning guffaw Jessica. Now I have to clean the coffee off of my face and keyboard.

Allison