Topic: Allison's Story

[Allison R]

So I had a short chance to dress today. I absofreakinlutely love a summer dress. And I am glad for the chance  because it has been over a week, and I had gotten quite used to nightly. And it has been interesting to not have a woman (MIL, my wife knows) that you are with almost 24 hours a day not notice a pretty pink peaking out of the band of my shorts. At this point, since I am wiping her backside I could probably come out to her and she wouldn't tell a soul,  but I don't know for sure, and I would never know why she kept it to herself if she does. Is it out of respect or unfounded fears, right?

I am a little worried about being able to get a job. Taking care of MIL is a fulltime job. If my wife told me how bad a shape she is I didn't hear her. And wife has only been a small bit of help. I feel like this may have been my wife's  intention. I hate being so mistrustful, but this would solve a few of her problems. Her Mom's income could replace the income I bring in, I stay home as free Home Health Care, she gets to keep her job, her control of the relationship and me,  and look like the good guy taking her mom in. I am probably being paranoid, but just cause you're paranoid....

Time will tell.

Have a good day all.

Allison

[TXSara]

I am a little worried about being able to get a job. Taking care of MIL is a fulltime job. If my wife told me how bad a shape she is I didn't hear her. And wife has only been a small bit of help. I feel like this may have been my wife's  intention. I hate being so mistrustful, but this would solve a few of her problems. Her Mom's income could replace the income I bring in, I stay home as free Home Health Care, she gets to keep her job, her control of the relationship and me,  and look like the good guy taking her mom in. I am probably being paranoid, but just cause you're paranoid....

I can see a LOT of resentment building up there, sister.  I don't know what you're wife's intentions are, and I try REALLY hard to give people the benefit of the doubt when it comes to ulterior motives.  That being said, there is NO WAY in the world you should quit your job in order to take care of her mother.  There's shared sacrifice expected in a marriage, but that's a bit over the top.

Like I tell some of the younger engineers in the company -- "Don't look for someone else to manage your career.  Nobody cares about your life and your career as much as you do."  While you shouldn't always be looking to maximize your benefits at the expense of others, you should always be your own advocate.  This doesn't sound good to me at all.

I hope things begin to turn around for you, Allison.  You've had one heck of a stretch.

~Sara

[Allison R]

Thank you Sara. This is supposed to be just a stopgap until I can get back on my own feet. I don't have a job to quit, I own my own company that I ran into the ground over the last two years. I will get it back up and running, but it isn't something that'll happen quickly. The idea as far as she knows I will be getting a job in the evenings to start helping monetarily again. My plan is to get a job day or night shift and get out of her life. If I had a way to walk out now without making myself homeless, there would be a cartoon smoke shadow in my shape I'd be leaving so fast. But with MIL in as bad a shape as she is it's gonna be difficult to find a job, and I just don't know if my wife knew this already and decided to use it to her advantage. MIL cannot do anything for herself, so she is like having a young child again, with the attitude of a hurting, handicapped 70 year old widow. Food, toilet, meds, drinks, cigarettes. She needs help to roll around on her bed. I love her and am happy to do it for my MIL, but my wife seems to have abdicated all responsibility and expects me to be there. And it is exactly what she has told me bothered her about her brother and sister. At least they abdicated their responsibilities to a blood family member.

And you're right about making the decisions for myself. Honestly, outside looking in? I think I live a similar life to a male Anglerfish in function right now. I'm just not really thought of till needed to do something she can't. Yes you're right. A lot of resentment. Already.

My therapist may have some resources as far as lodging. I will be talking to her to see if there may be something I can do to speed my getting out of here up. It may get to the point that I would prefer to be homeless. And yes, I have been homeless before so I know exactly what I am saying.

Ah well. Thanks again Sara.

Allison

[EllenW]

Allison,

I suggest that you ask your therapist for resources that provide help to "care givers". I have been a care giver to both my mother-in-law and to my late wife. I believe that they would be able to help both you and your wife take care of MIL and yourselves.

Remember you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else.

Ellen

[Allison R]

I hadn't even thought of that. It would be nice to start making money myself again. I have been the breadwinner my whole adult life and I would very much likely regain some of my self respect. Thanks Ellen. Good idea!

[Sephirah]

...but my wife seems to have abdicated all responsibility and expects me to be there.

This is wrong, Allison. Your wife is doing what she complained about other people for doing. You shouldn't have everything put on you when the person in question is closer to your wife than she is to you. I know that sounds cold but it is what it is. You need to talk to her about this. Tell her why it's wrong and unfair to just dump everything on you.

This is your problem because you're choosing to make it your problem. I'm sorry but it is. And your wife is being very unfair in all this. She needs to see that. As if you don't have enough to deal with.

[TXSara]

This is wrong, Allison. Your wife is doing what she complained about other people for doing. You shouldn't have everything put on you when the person in question is closer to your wife than she is to you. I know that sounds cold but it is what it is. You need to talk to her about this. Tell her why it's wrong and unfair to just dump everything on you.

This is your problem because you're choosing to make it your problem. I'm sorry but it is. And your wife is being very unfair in all this. She needs to see that. As if you don't have enough to deal with.

Totally agreed here.  This is pretty uncool, and I'm pretty sure your wife knows it.

~Sara

[Allison R]

I don't even know what to say. I want to defend her, but I can't really. She really isn't an ogre, but these have been her actions over the last few weeks. I just don't even know how to respond. I am sorry.

[Rachel Montgomery]

Get a job.  And, then work out how you can help each other take care of her mother.  But, you doing your job is more important than her doing hers.  This is HER mother.  Help if you want to, whether out of love or loyalty or duty.  But, your first duty is to survive.  And, not looking after yourself seems to be killing you.  So, make YOU your priority, help her as you will, and maybe get some outside assistance funded by her siblings.  If they can’t physically help out, they can help by paying someone else to cover the times when you and your wife are at work.

[Allison R]

You're absolutely right Rachel. Thank you. I read this earlier and I greatly widened my job search to remote jobs that actually use the skillset I have spent almost 35 years to build. I sent about 20 resumes to places that are looking for my skills so I expect to start getting calls by first of the week. A lot of stuff remote. I had been trying to stay withing a 50 mile radius or so, and I live in a swamp so there isn't much here if you're not a logger. That advice was the right advice at the right time. Thanks Rachel!

Allison

[Sephirah]

Rachel is right. Focus on you first. For your own mental health if nothing else.

Like I said before... you're only a doormat when you let people walk all over you. Allison you need to be more assertive, sweetie. You need to know what you're worth and set boundaries so people around you know what you're worth. It sounds like you're literally killing yourself trying to please the people in your world. People you actually want to sever ties with.

Get yourself sorted before you even start to think about anyone else, okay? You don't owe anyone else anything. And while ever you let people think they can take advantage of you, you can bet your *** they will do exactly that.

You owe it to yourself, sweetie. No one else in this world. Charity begins at home.

Get yourself to the place where you feel worth something. Not running around like a headless chicken trying to please everyone around you. You are worth more than that. You really are. <3

[Allison R]

That is exactly what has changed in my outlook today. I have been trying to fit myself into this situation, and that just isn't how this will work. She will (not) be able to fit herself around me. Honestly I have such an expectation that all of my things are ready to be thrown into bags. Everything clean and rolled. But either way I will be finding a job I want and doing for myself.

Thank you all for helping me open my eyes. We will see what thismweekendmbrings. We have a high stress situation coming on Monday, and if things go the way they normally do I will be walking. I can figure everything else out once the noise is gone.

Well goodnight all.

Allison

[Rachel Montgomery]

Don’t be rash.  Be deliberate.  Proceed on the schedule that works for you.

[Allison R]

That is tougher than it sounds Rachel. I am trying, but I am unable to handle when she does the things that I recognize now as exerting dominance or control and I find it impossible to keep my mouth shut.

The last few mornings I have had the kind where everything does exactly what you don't want it to do before it does what you want. Just simple, frustrating things that everybody has to deal with and so I got frustrated. Like a spoon of sugar spills when making coffee, then your shoes are in knots, then you can't find your keys (not actual examples). Just a barrage of frustrating things. For years now, whenever I get angry or frustrated at something it starts an argument. In her defense I can be scary when I am mad, but if the anger isn't directed at her, the best way for it to be dealt with is to let it burn itself out, not add fuel to it by getting angry at me, and I can't be too scary if she is jumping into the line of fire anyway, right?. This morning I pointed out that I am not allowed to have feelings, especially anger, that whenever I express anything but happiness she gets mad and we fight. She then told me she would rather run her face into a wall than listen to any more of my feelings. So I told her I would be gone in a day or two, and that was like a spark on gunpowder. She couldn't decide if she should be angry and tell me to go ahead and leave or not. She is starting to get it. I told her that we would talk tonight when she gets home. It will go one of two ways. She will come home sickeningly sweet, or ready to for WWIII. Whichever. (When I go it will be a 10 minute thing, not a day or two.)

I want to be deliberate. And to bide my time and use it that time to my benefit, but now that I have found my voice it is hard to not use it. I just find it almost impossible to not point out all of these things. To let her know that things will forever be different in her life now. I have always been of the mindset that I can have whatever I want as long as I am ready and able to pay for it, and this might, might be one time that the price might, might be worth it.

Well she just called, and sickeningly sweet it is. I told her that we will be discussing this tonight.

Well I hope everyone's day is good. I am going to try to go get some girl time today. I need it. Nothing special, no makeup or wigs. No painted nails, or heels, or hose. Just a sundress. And it still is amazing to me that it really does stop things like the early morning frustrations. And when I started dressing a few months ago I hated seeing myself, the whole "dude in a dress" thing. Now it doesn't bother me in the least. And my appearance hasn't changed other than shaggy hair and a smooth chin. I think that's one of the signs of acceptance. Glacially slow progress, but progress it is.

Rachel, I will try.

Have a good day.

Allison

[Rachel Montgomery]

I remember when the Desert Storm war started.  Saddam launched SCUDs at Israel, hoping to provoke them into a response, thereby drawing in Muslim allies to fight the U.S. and Israel.  Israel demonstrated remarkable restraint and did not respond.  They recognized what Saddam was doing, and what he hoped to gain.  They decided that it was in their own best interest to suffer it and respond in a time and manner that would serve THEM and not their attacker. 

You have endured a lot.  It is almost over.  But, execute the next month or two in a manner that serves YOU best.

[Allison R]

I am trying I promise. Just wanted to say too that I have already received a request for an interview from the resumes I sent yesterday, so that ball is trying to start rolling. Thanks Rachel.

Allison

[Sephirah]

For years now, whenever I get angry or frustrated at something it starts an argument. In her defense I can be scary when I am mad, but if the anger isn't directed at her, the best way for it to be dealt with is to let it burn itself out, not add fuel to it by getting angry at me, and I can't be too scary if she is jumping into the line of fire anyway, right?.

I disagree with the underlined sentence in this part of your post. Anger is probably the single most powerful emotion we can feel as human beings. It's like injecting nitrous into your veins. If you use it right, it can be a force for the most extraordinary changes and forward momentum in one's life. The key is using it right.

When I first had my... uhm... incident, I went through probably every human emotion it's possible to feel. Hopelessness, despair, resentment, anger, resignation, hope, apathy... all of it. At my lowest it was just hopelessness. And feeling like what's even the point of living. So I tried not to. More than once. But I sucked at it and somehow carried on. Then I got angry. Angry at the people responsible, angry at myself for allowing myself to get to that stage. And that anger was like a hundred energy drinks. It mutated slightly into stubbornness but the result was the same. I'm still here. And I am making a life for myself the best way I can. Partly just to prove to the people responsible that they didn't get what they wanted. But also to prove to myself that life can be liveable, whatever happens. I use it to keep going a lot of the time. To say to the world that no, you won't break me. The more it tries, the more I fight against it. And I won't lie, a lot of the time it's anger which fuels that resolve. I am not... heh, how I am here is how I want to be. How I am IRL is slightly different.

Don't let it burn out, let it motivate and drive you. As someone who was in the military... think of it like an explosive device. You can just pile up a bunch of semtex and watch the neighbourhood blow up in a cacophony of fire and fury, or you can create a shaped charge to direct all that power at blowing the hinges off the sturdiest door standing in your way. Anger without focus is just loud and destructive. Anger with focus can open the most resilient of doors. Literally.

Emotions are very powerful things. They drive us. Use them.

Think about it.

[Allison R]

Trust me. The anger I am banking has little to do with the frustrations we were talking about. Those are just annoyances that pass if you let them. The anger I am holding isn't gonna just burn out, and I am starting to use it constructively instead of letting it eat me up. Some of that anger is at myself though. I didn't use to be this way. Used to be ab to make decisions and to be the prime mover in and around my life. And it's still in there starting to peek back out again.

Unfortunately I don't think that Rachel's advice to move strategically may not be possible. If things go the way they have for years on Monday, there will be nothing I can do to fix the situation, and that leaves nothing but hatred and disrespect from my wife. Granted some of the blame is mine, but in her mind and, unfortunately, heart it is ALL my fault. Everything going back to the day we met will be brought out over and over again with her doing nothing but trying to tear me down for the sheer joy of it. Apparently it makes her feel better or something. And I will not be able to deal with it. The only recourse is to leave.I don't get it. In an earlier post I said she isn't an ogre. Let me qualify that statement. She is only an ogre when she feels like she has been slighted. Then she will say things that I don't understand how you can think them about the person you love, let alone allow them to be uttered. And then to say later that you live the person is foreign to me. Well, I have been living with it for years, but how to do it is foriegn.

Thanks to all of y'all for the strength, advice and cheerleading. I need it all. If things do go bad on Monday I may not be on as much.  And as worried as I am, I also know that statistically, the odds are that the worst is as likely to happen as the best, so I expect it to be far less than I am gearing up for.

I hope everyone has had a wonderful Saturday full of love and adventure.

Allison

[Sephirah]

Trust me. The anger I am banking has little to do with the frustrations we were talking about. Those are just annoyances that pass if you let them. The anger I am holding isn't gonna just burn out, and I am starting to use it constructively instead of letting it eat me up. Some of that anger is at myself though. I didn't use to be this way. Used to be ab to make decisions and to be the prime mover in and around my life. And it's still in there starting to peek back out again.

Unfortunately I don't think that Rachel's advice to move strategically may not be possible. If things go the way they have for years on Monday, there will be nothing I can do to fix the situation, and that leaves nothing but hatred and disrespect from my wife. Granted some of the blame is mine, but in her mind and, unfortunately, heart it is ALL my fault. Everything going back to the day we met will be brought out over and over again with her doing nothing but trying to tear me down for the sheer joy of it. Apparently it makes her feel better or something. And I will not be able to deal with it. The only recourse is to leave.I don't get it. In an earlier post I said she isn't an ogre. Let me qualify that statement. She is only an ogre when she feels like she has been slighted. Then she will say things that I don't understand how you can think them about the person you love, let alone allow them to be uttered. And then to say later that you live the person is foreign to me. Well, I have been living with it for years, but how to do it is foriegn.

Thanks to all of y'all for the strength, advice and cheerleading. I need it all. If things do go bad on Monday I may not be on as much.  And as worried as I am, I also know that statistically, the odds are that the worst is as likely to happen as the best, so I expect it to be far less than I am gearing up for.

I hope everyone has had a wonderful Saturday full of love and adventure.

Allison

Allison, just tell your wife you were who you are when you met. Neither of you knew it yet is all. See how she spins that. It's the truth. The only thing you changed was the desire to do something about it.

People can be extremely cruel when they've a mind to be, because their aim is to hurt the other person. Whether the stuff they come out with is factually accurate or not. Don't let it get to you, sweetie. From everything I've read and getting to know you, I don't think you have anything to feel bad or guilty about, okay? The best way to disarm someone is to not rise to the bait they set for you. Because they don't know what to do with that. They're expecting one thing but you give them the exact opposite.

You were Allison when you first met. She fell in love with Allison. If she can't deal with that, that isn't your problem. Simple as that. Understanding who you are is literally accepting your baseline that has been a part of you for your whole life. The you that has been a part of every interaction you've ever had. Whether you knew it or not.

I believe in you, sweetie. Stay strong, okay? You are worth it. <3

*massive hugs*

[Rachel Montgomery]

Allison, just tell your wife you were who you are when you met. Neither of you knew it yet is all. See how she spins that. It's the truth. The only thing you changed was the desire to do something about it.

People can be extremely cruel when they've a mind to be, because their aim is to hurt the other person. Whether the stuff they come out with is factually accurate or not. Don't let it get to you, sweetie. From everything I've read and getting to know you, I don't think you have anything to feel bad or guilty about, okay? The best way to disarm someone is to not rise to the bait they set for you. Because they don't know what to do with that. They're expecting one thing but you give them the exact opposite.

You were Allison when you first met. She fell in love with Allison. If she can't deal with that, that isn't your problem. Simple as that. Understanding who you are is literally accepting your baseline that has been a part of you for your whole life. The you that has been a part of every interaction you've ever had. Whether you knew it or not.

I believe in you, sweetie. Stay strong, okay? You are worth it. <3

*massive hugs*

Well, I think it is pretty obvious that her wife is not responding in an accepting way.  And, while you can say that isn’t Allison’s problem, she certainly may feel it is.  Being rejected by someone you love because they get to know you better and decide they don’t love you after all hurts.

Reality is what it is.  Whatever you will have to go through is somewhat dependent upon how other people respond.  Acceptance can be euphoric.