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Dianne_1234`s transitions talk

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I'm feeling a new sadness. I've often felt my relationship with my wife was nearly perfect, except for my gender dysphoria. I realize I'm lucky - she lets me crossdress at home a lot. And I own more women's clothes than men's. But I know she doesn't want me to transition. She's not a lesbian, and doesn't want to be married to a woman. I understand that. And for years it's been fine.

But recently I've felt the pink cloud more and more. And as I age and lose the physical abilities and job prestige I used to have, I feel like those parts of my identity that used to serve as anchors are falling away, making the trans portion of my identiy seems more and more important to me. 

So I've started seeing a therapist to help me figure out who I am - do I even want to transition? But this examination itself has brought the lack of acceptance to the forefront of my mind, and the fact that she knows I'm studying this makes my wife sad and defensive. She asked if I want a divorce or to move out for a while to try my lifestyle. Actually very reasonable suggestion that hadn't crossed my mind yet, but shows again that she's not accepting all of who I am. 

I have contacted a new therapist, recommended by my endo as a trans expert. Hope to make an appointment soon.

Bottom line: I'm feeling the lack of acceptance this part of myself, which makes me sad, and the question do I want to move out makes me think of just that - do I want to leave my wife...?!? Now I can't help but think of us not as equal partners, but potential adveraries in a divorce. Who would get the new car, who would get the old car... etc., etc. Really a very sad train of thought for me. :-(


Dianne, many of us have been in the same position you are now faced with. Unfortunately there are no easy answers, it is something each of us must work through.

My relationship with my wife has changed quite a bit, for the better. I used to be the 'king of my castle', and I have realized how wrong that was. Now my wife and I are partners, and I do all I can to keep her happy. The only loss was that we have both realized that neither of us is a lesbian. We still love each other, we still share our bed with each other, but we are no longer sexually attracted to each other. It isn't a bad thing, it's just different.

There are aspects of my identity which have also shifted. I used to be infatuated with fast, sporty cars, now I look at cars simply as an appliance. I no longer have a need to show off or be the best at everything (which I never was), and that has significantly reduced my stress level.

A good therapist can be very helpful. They can guide you and ask questions you may not have considered. A therapist can help you examine your feelings, but they can't tell you which path you should take -- that is up to you.

My wife was upset with me for a long time. I often asked if she wanted to stay with relatives for a while, but she always declined. The best advice I can give is just to take your time, don't move forward too quickly, allow your wife time to adjust. If my wife wanted to leave, I was prepared to give her anything she wanted. It wasn't my fault, and it wasn't her fault. All I knew is that I had to move forward if I ever wanted to be myself, and to find joy once again.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Thank you so much for replying Jessica Rose, and for sharing your story. In the last few days things have gotten less tense. We each admitted to each other thta to divorce would be financially ruinous, and we both told each other I love you. So perhaps my wife and I might be on a similar path...?

And yet - although my wife in the past has been very tolerant, I still feel she *tolerates* not *accepts* who I really am, fully. Not that *I* even know who I really am, fully. Which is why I'm seeing a therapist.

Speaking of therapy, I'm meeting my third therapist this Friday. He's the first one who has gender expertise, the one recommended by my amazing, LGBTQ+ ally, endocrinologist. I'm really looking forward to it.

The right medical professionals can make all the difference in the world. They can recommend treatment options, explain what to expect, and help you navigate a sea of change.

Your wife's reactions do sound similar to those of my wife, but it's impossible to guess all of the thoughts running through anyone's mind. It's possible once she sees the difference it makes in your life, then she will begin to understand and accept. There will be many bridges to cross, and probably a lot of tears as well. Just be patient, tell the truth, and listen to your wife's concerns -- sometimes listening is much more important than talking.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Should I go on E?

-   I've been dysphoric as long as I can remember; would it help?
-   I’ve cross dressed whenever I could for most of my life; would my testicles shrink and fit in panties better? Would I grow breasts and hips, and dresses would fit better?
-   My doctor and endocrinologist are amazingly accepting and ready to support me with prescriptions and medical guidance.
-   My company has trans-friendly policies, and a colleague has already transitioned. However, a few years later she was let go; related or not?!?

-   I’d lose athletic performance, which has been an important part of my identity for most of my adult life. But it’s declining anyway and has been propped up by T supplementation for a decade or so, so the performance drop from changing to E would probably be a big one!
-   My wife has said she’ll leave me; would my marriage survive? If not, that would be a big financial hit; could I be enough happier I’d be alright with the poorer standard of living?
-   I’d be ugly; could I take the expected derision in public?
-   I don’t have much of a support network. As an introvert, I’m slow to make friends. And as a low-level manager at my company, I don’t have many colleagues I could call friends.
-   I would lose male privilege, which may be a significant part of my job security, as I’ve gotten below average reviews, I’ve recently gone from five to four reports, and I feel like my boss doesn’t like me much. Also, two employees were just promoted to my level, and they’re good – the company could easily fire me and one of those two could take over my responsibilities.

I'm seeing a gender therapist, first session was yesterday. No big insights yet, but I hope to learn who I really am and what I need: transition or not, etc.


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