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Offline JennyIsMe

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Am I really doing this...
« on: May 17, 2022, 11:01:52 pm »
So...I guess I am.

I have, like many others, dabbled and resisted for years, and here I am.

My name is Jenny...and I can confidently say I identify as a trans female.

I was the youngest of three, with two older sisters...heavy female influence. They dressed up, I wanted to too. Did not always happen, but the seed was planted.
Admittedly, my first real happiness was borrowing my sisters clothes when we were teens. Then I got some of my own. Then I sort of got caught by mom, and things were paused.

My next memory of my long and strange journey was one New Years Eve. I finished work, and was home alone. I was not very social, and I was right around 18, give or take. i had already gotten my own panties at this point, and I knew at a minimum I was a cross-dresser.
Something was off that evening, and being before the internet was so accessible...i found myself calling a mental health and crisis hotline from the yellow pages. To my great luck, some amazing woman answered, and we talked, at length, for over an hour. It was supportive, and it led me to a few things. i did some see a therapist, and I did get some pamphlets related to the actual process of gender reassignment. As a teen, I saw the costs and was like...no way. It was frustrating,...but I used dressing as my happy place.

Over the years, that has come and gone...but it's always remained there.

Aside from cost, the biggest drawback for me was a fear of losing friends and family. Back then, it wasn't where things are at now, and I would have surely had no one. So, I bought when I could, dressed when I could, and dreamed.

In college, with a little more freedom, I began exploring relationships with men, thinking that...well...maybe I was gay. While this wasn't the worst move for me, I couldn't be happy unless my partner was at least tolerating my need to be very feminine. Maybe I was just bad at finding people, but that did prove to be a challenge. I met someone, we clicked for a brief moment, and then he moved away...and I moved on.

I met my spouse shortly after, and I truly buried this part of me. Dressing and any trans thoughts were locked away, or only came out when I was truly alone with my thoughts. it was tolerable, but still always there.
we got married, had kids, the whole deal. more recently, we had issues, and in working things out, she suggested some spice...and when she sought her idea...I reintroduced dressing. it was spicy, it would make me happy, and maybe she'd be a rare bird who loved it. she allowed it, but support was fleeting and once her paramour was over things, it all went away. though, she didn't mind destroying me because I explored and enjoyed myself, and was really saying hello to an old friend, a part of me I had too often ignored.

And that basically brings me here. For whatever reason, in the past few days, something has clicked. the urge to dress and be more feminine has become overwhelming, and i am at a point where...it may finally be time to do something beyond just being the part behind closed doors.

Am I really doing this? I don't know. I have come close to telling one friend. My siblings don't know. I have talked to one person who runs in the same social circles, because she's done this very journey...and she pointed me here to find some friends as a start.

Being honest, I don't know if now is the time. Maybe I dip my toe back in the water, and decide I am content with "just" dressing when I can, and being myself here. but....this time feels different. My marriage is effectively over anyways, my children are older and as best I can tell, will understand and love me no matter what. I have convinced myself that this is me...Jenny is me, and it's time to give her a chance.

So...sorry if it was long and rambling and all that, but as with my order for new women's clothes and my frank discussions this week...this just feels right, and i have to give myself a chance.

thanks for listening :)

Offline Margrit

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Re: Am I really doing this...
« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2022, 02:13:04 am »
Hi JennyIsMe

Welcome to the forums.

Best wishes
Margrit
If a man can make you smile,
even if you don't want to,
then you love him.

Offline Jessica_Rose

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Re: Am I really doing this...
« Reply #2 on: May 18, 2022, 05:38:48 am »
Hello @JennyIsMe , welcome to Susan's Place and the Forums!

I noticed this is your very first post at Susan's Place! We hope you will find this a safe and friendly place to share information and read about the experiences of others. Susan's Place can be an amazing resource for advice, support, and sympathetic friends. Please feel free to comment on posts, ask questions, or share parts of your life. Some of our members even create their own blogs to document their journeys.
   
We suggest that you read through our rules and other Terms of Service (TOS). Please review the links at the end of this message. The links include information which will help you navigate the site and use the available features.  

Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Once you reach 15 posts you will be able to send and reply to private messages, until then if you have any questions about the Susan's Place site and the Forums, please feel free to contact me via email at Jessica_Rose@susans.org

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

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Offline Jessica_Rose

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Re: Am I really doing this...
« Reply #3 on: May 18, 2022, 05:56:46 am »
On a more personal note, you and I have a few things in common. I was the youngest of three brothers. In my early teens I discovered crossdressing somehow made me feel more comfortable. In college I had a bit more freedom to buy women's clothing, but I never dressed in public. I got married after college and spent 12 years in the military. My wife tolerated my underdressing, but I never tried to take it any further.

Over the years I began having more and more issues with anger. I became proficient at patching holes in the walls. Buying women's clothing still help calm me, but my anger continued to grow. It wasn't until I discovered Susan's Place and began reading people's stories that I finally discovered my truth. My anger and rage was caused by having to hide who I really was. It's a long story (check my 'Rose Garden' link), but I'm at a much better place in my life now.

Please feel free to look around and ask questions. Many of us have been where you are, and we've taken the journey you're thinking about. Welcome to Susan's Place.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Offline Maid Marion

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Re: Am I really doing this...
« Reply #4 on: May 18, 2022, 05:57:22 am »
Hi Jenny,

Welcome to the forum!

Marion

Offline Rakel

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Re: Am I really doing this...
« Reply #5 on: May 18, 2022, 06:09:39 am »
Dear Jenny,

I had the same doubts that you are expressing now. I tried suppressing my transgender feelings for over 50 years, but those feelings never went away and, in fact, just got stronger as time went on.

Each of us must make our own decision. We must decide what is right for ourself. Nobody can do this for us. Transition is not to be taken lightly. It is a serious undertaking. Transition costs a lot in terms of money, surgical pain and recovery, as well as the social concerns. Who will accept us after transition? How will we continue to provide for ourselves after transition? Will I be happier after transition than I am now? The doubts go on and on. Then we get to a point of go or no go. That is when we make a decision.

The decision is yours to make. Take care.  :-*




_______________________________________________________________

Retired Pharmacist with over 40 years experience in Hospital and Retail Pharmacies.
I still keep my professional licence active and in good standing.


Offline Allison R

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Re: Am I really doing this...
« Reply #6 on: May 18, 2022, 06:33:04 am »
Hi Jenny and welcome. You have come to the right place. I am in my 50's and only figured this out about myself at the first of the year. If it weren't for Susan's I am sure my head would have exploded. There are some very wonderful, helpful, and knowledgeable people here. Please don't be shy about using this resource.

Again, welcome.

Allison
I have always known I would have been happier and lived a better life if I were born a woman, I just didn't know that that is the literal definition of the word transgender.

If you're not moving forward, you're moving backwards.

Be tougher on yourself than anyone else is, love yourself more than anyone else does, and if there is something you don't want to do at all, best if you do it right now.

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: Am I really doing this...
« Reply #7 on: May 18, 2022, 07:05:09 am »
Hi Jenny! Trans people have a slightly differently developed brain from birth, and nothing we can do can change that. We have uncomfortable feelings which vary from 'somethings not right ' to irresistible urges, and it can take over our lives. Your story is very familiar to many of us who struggled to figure out where we were at for many years. The uncomfortable feeling is dysphoria, and it is created by our gender identity not being congruent with our assigned sex. Doing something towards realising our gender identity, like crossdressing, reduces our dysphoria for a time, so we can 'manage' our dysphoria for some time, but the only way to permanently reduce it is to make permanent moves to become congruent.

If you think you fit this pattern, you know it's not going away any time soon. So you will need to figure out how to go forward within your circumstances. Now, this can all be pretty stressful, so the support of a psychologist can be helpful, and if you see a gender experienced therapist, they can eliminate other causes for your feelings. You do have options going forward, but doing nothing can be a threat to your health and even your life.

Being in a relationship does complicate things, as your challenges are also shared with your loved ones, and their needs must also be considered. I would urge you to include your partner in everything you do, as it affects them too, and doing things without them will destroy the trust you both need. Of course, you need to weigh all this up with the rest of your environment, and figure out how to go forward, but make sure you go forward!  There is a great video titled Sex and Sensibility which will explain a great deal to you and your partner!

Hugs,

Allie
1958 Knew I should be a girl
1961 Told my mother I was a girl
1976 told my fiance I was trans
1999 told my 2nd wife to be I was trans
2000 began being me at home
2018 Dysphoria made me seriously sick
2019 started HRT, not sick any more!
        Started electrolysis
2020 Full time, legally Me!
2021 Labiaplasty
        Divorced again and on my own

Offline JennyIsMe

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Re: Am I really doing this...
« Reply #8 on: May 18, 2022, 09:11:15 am »
I love the support so far!

I typed it up and posted, and went to bed and when I woke up I almost thought I had just dreamed this up. Glad to wake up and realize I had not.

I take comfort in knowing there are others with similar experiences, it means a lot that it's not merely another therapist telling me (and yes, I was told in my late teens that I likely had dysphoria, but i figured I could control it....oops).

thanks!

Jenny

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: Am I really doing this...
« Reply #9 on: May 18, 2022, 07:18:32 pm »
Jenny-

Hello and welcome to the community!  I've found that while everyone's story is unique, there are a lot of common situations and challenges that we all go through.  I hope that you can find helpful articles here as you continue to explore your post-"click" self!

Hugs!!

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: Am I really doing this...
« Reply #10 on: May 19, 2022, 05:23:07 pm »
Hi Jenny!


Welcome!


Chrissy
Be a good example of good behavior.  Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that you speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.  Serve others.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  
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I am a brown eyed brunette.

Offline JennyIsMe

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Re: Am I really doing this...
« Reply #11 on: May 27, 2022, 10:25:17 pm »
I figured I would come back here, still trying to figure out where best to chime in on the site otherwise...

It's been a story of like, steps forward and back. I thought I found a therapist, once we got to discussing plans/goals, she ended up referring me to others, so the quest begins again.

I did (thanks to here) learn that one of the good doctors is actually in my backyard (NYC, and i am a resident of one of the boroughs), so I may also be calling to schedule something there.

Ultimately, reading so many of your threads has been reaffirming, and I can only wonder how life could have been different had this been at my fingertips when I was first having these thoughts manifest 25 years ago (and it's crazy for me to type that out).

thanks again!

Offline Devlyn

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Re: Am I really doing this...
« Reply #12 on: May 28, 2022, 01:55:49 am »
Hi Jenny, are you aware of the Callen-Lorde Centre? That's probably the best resource available to you.

Hugs, Devlyn
Veteran, US Army

Offline JennyIsMe

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Re: Am I really doing this...
« Reply #13 on: May 28, 2022, 08:49:33 pm »
I had not until the other day, and since you mentioned it, i finally took a look. thank you

of course, once again, staten island is the forgotten borough, but at least it's something good and not that far.

Offline Courtney G

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Re: Am I really doing this...
« Reply #14 on: May 29, 2022, 08:11:29 pm »
Thanks for sharing your story, Jenny, and welcome to the group. I understand the fears and doubts...I'm still in the middle of my own struggle. But know that you have allies here. Please don't hesitate to reach out if you need to chat.

PS: I'm on the other side of the Hudson from you. Well, a little further west than that, but you get the idea.

Offline JennyIsMe

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Re: Am I really doing this...
« Reply #15 on: May 29, 2022, 09:29:47 pm »
Thanks for sharing your story, Jenny, and welcome to the group. I understand the fears and doubts...I'm still in the middle of my own struggle. But know that you have allies here. Please don't hesitate to reach out if you need to chat.

PS: I'm on the other side of the Hudson from you. Well, a little further west than that, but you get the idea.

i kinda can figure, but I do suck at directions :)

I appreciate the offer and once i am out of newbie timeout, i may just do that. its great to have the resources of this whole site, but it's very nice to have some local friends who can relate to things.

thanks!

Offline UFO

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Re: Am I really doing this...
« Reply #16 on: June 25, 2022, 02:14:49 pm »
A wonderful story … and relatable to me on so many levels.

Are you really doing this? I don’t know, and it’s your choice, of course. But as somebody starting my own journey I’m glad I got to share in this story of yours, and hope to hear more. Thank you.

Offline Traci M Knight

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Re: Am I really doing this...
« Reply #17 on: July 03, 2022, 06:25:56 am »
Welcome Jenny,

Glad you found us. Look around, ask questions and know that we're here for you.

Remember a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

As I was advised, take it step by step as you are comfortable.

Again, welcome ang Hugs,

Misty
Traci Melissa Knight


Offline Gigi Cooper

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Re: Am I really doing this...
« Reply #18 on: July 03, 2022, 08:29:05 am »
Welcome,
As a trans woman also starting my journey, I have went through closet cross dressing most of my life. Riddled with guilt for what I was doing i would pray to God for forgiveness and promise never to do it again only to repeat. The inner turmoil of resentment and anger at myself for not being stronger drove me to the brink many times. Joy was never part of my life and the dark cloud never left. I became a workaholic trying to not indulge my true identity. My anger would explode at an instant being always at the breaking point. I still have a broken door frame in my home to fix from being kicked in, on another occasion or two I threatened to burn down the house.
I got married, raised a family, purchased large toys...but still no joy. Turned to God studied the word and became active in the church got baptized, still no joy. The man in the mirror has always been a stranger to me, trying to live and present as expected by others.
I came out to my therapist then to my wife. The sense of relief and joy I have felt since then has been incredible. The first post to Susans Place my hands were shaking so badly I could hardly type and scared someone would find out my secrete. The compassion and understanding here is amazing. Now I can't wait to log in and see what's going on. Now if the endo only had sooner appointments, but that is another story. Welcome and hope to hear more of your journey. From New Joisey  Gigi
Say what you mean,
mean what you say
and don't be mean when you say it.

Be honest to yourself and others.

Offline Traci M Knight

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Re: Am I really doing this...
« Reply #19 on: July 04, 2022, 06:42:55 am »
Yes Gigi,

You'll find many of us had similar experiences. To try and bury my transgender feelings I got very involved with a fundamentalist faith, even became a lay preacher officiating many services.  Coming out to my wife though didn't go well. She demanded we just be roommates and stay together for our son. And the fireworks when I accidentally left a browser open and she found my posts here on Susan's. I pray things go better for you.

As for religion, if you look closely at the dress, you can see a pentagram. I've left the fundamentalists behind.

Best wishes and look forward to hearing about your journey too.

Hugs

Misty
Traci Melissa Knight


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