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Am I really doing this...

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JennyIsMe:
So...I guess I am.

I have, like many others, dabbled and resisted for years, and here I am.

My name is Jenny...and I can confidently say I identify as a trans female.

I was the youngest of three, with two older sisters...heavy female influence. They dressed up, I wanted to too. Did not always happen, but the seed was planted.
Admittedly, my first real happiness was borrowing my sisters clothes when we were teens. Then I got some of my own. Then I sort of got caught by mom, and things were paused.

My next memory of my long and strange journey was one New Years Eve. I finished work, and was home alone. I was not very social, and I was right around 18, give or take. i had already gotten my own panties at this point, and I knew at a minimum I was a cross-dresser.
Something was off that evening, and being before the internet was so accessible...i found myself calling a mental health and crisis hotline from the yellow pages. To my great luck, some amazing woman answered, and we talked, at length, for over an hour. It was supportive, and it led me to a few things. i did some see a therapist, and I did get some pamphlets related to the actual process of gender reassignment. As a teen, I saw the costs and was like...no way. It was frustrating,...but I used dressing as my happy place.

Over the years, that has come and gone...but it's always remained there.

Aside from cost, the biggest drawback for me was a fear of losing friends and family. Back then, it wasn't where things are at now, and I would have surely had no one. So, I bought when I could, dressed when I could, and dreamed.

In college, with a little more freedom, I began exploring relationships with men, thinking that...well...maybe I was gay. While this wasn't the worst move for me, I couldn't be happy unless my partner was at least tolerating my need to be very feminine. Maybe I was just bad at finding people, but that did prove to be a challenge. I met someone, we clicked for a brief moment, and then he moved away...and I moved on.

I met my spouse shortly after, and I truly buried this part of me. Dressing and any trans thoughts were locked away, or only came out when I was truly alone with my thoughts. it was tolerable, but still always there.
we got married, had kids, the whole deal. more recently, we had issues, and in working things out, she suggested some spice...and when she sought her idea...I reintroduced dressing. it was spicy, it would make me happy, and maybe she'd be a rare bird who loved it. she allowed it, but support was fleeting and once her paramour was over things, it all went away. though, she didn't mind destroying me because I explored and enjoyed myself, and was really saying hello to an old friend, a part of me I had too often ignored.

And that basically brings me here. For whatever reason, in the past few days, something has clicked. the urge to dress and be more feminine has become overwhelming, and i am at a point where...it may finally be time to do something beyond just being the part behind closed doors.

Am I really doing this? I don't know. I have come close to telling one friend. My siblings don't know. I have talked to one person who runs in the same social circles, because she's done this very journey...and she pointed me here to find some friends as a start.

Being honest, I don't know if now is the time. Maybe I dip my toe back in the water, and decide I am content with "just" dressing when I can, and being myself here. but....this time feels different. My marriage is effectively over anyways, my children are older and as best I can tell, will understand and love me no matter what. I have convinced myself that this is me...Jenny is me, and it's time to give her a chance.

So...sorry if it was long and rambling and all that, but as with my order for new women's clothes and my frank discussions this week...this just feels right, and i have to give myself a chance.

thanks for listening :)

Margrit:
Hi JennyIsMe

Welcome to the forums.

Best wishes
Margrit

Jessica_Rose:
Hello @JennyIsMe , welcome to Susan's Place and the Forums!

I noticed this is your very first post at Susan's Place! We hope you will find this a safe and friendly place to share information and read about the experiences of others. Susan's Place can be an amazing resource for advice, support, and sympathetic friends. Please feel free to comment on posts, ask questions, or share parts of your life. Some of our members even create their own blogs to document their journeys.
   
We suggest that you read through our rules and other Terms of Service (TOS). Please review the links at the end of this message. The links include information which will help you navigate the site and use the available features.  

Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Once you reach 15 posts you will be able to send and reply to private messages, until then if you have any questions about the Susan's Place site and the Forums, please feel free to contact me via email at Jessica_Rose@susans.org

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

Jessica
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Jessica_Rose:
On a more personal note, you and I have a few things in common. I was the youngest of three brothers. In my early teens I discovered crossdressing somehow made me feel more comfortable. In college I had a bit more freedom to buy women's clothing, but I never dressed in public. I got married after college and spent 12 years in the military. My wife tolerated my underdressing, but I never tried to take it any further.

Over the years I began having more and more issues with anger. I became proficient at patching holes in the walls. Buying women's clothing still help calm me, but my anger continued to grow. It wasn't until I discovered Susan's Place and began reading people's stories that I finally discovered my truth. My anger and rage was caused by having to hide who I really was. It's a long story (check my 'Rose Garden' link), but I'm at a much better place in my life now.

Please feel free to look around and ask questions. Many of us have been where you are, and we've taken the journey you're thinking about. Welcome to Susan's Place.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Maid Marion:
Hi Jenny,

Welcome to the forum!

Marion

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