So...I guess I am.
I have, like many others, dabbled and resisted for years, and here I am.
My name is Jenny...and I can confidently say I identify as a trans female.
I was the youngest of three, with two older sisters...heavy female influence. They dressed up, I wanted to too. Did not always happen, but the seed was planted.
Admittedly, my first real happiness was borrowing my sisters clothes when we were teens. Then I got some of my own. Then I sort of got caught by mom, and things were paused.
My next memory of my long and strange journey was one New Years Eve. I finished work, and was home alone. I was not very social, and I was right around 18, give or take. i had already gotten my own panties at this point, and I knew at a minimum I was a cross-dresser.
Something was off that evening, and being before the internet was so accessible...i found myself calling a mental health and crisis hotline from the yellow pages. To my great luck, some amazing woman answered, and we talked, at length, for over an hour. It was supportive, and it led me to a few things. i did some see a therapist, and I did get some pamphlets related to the actual process of gender reassignment. As a teen, I saw the costs and was like...no way. It was frustrating,...but I used dressing as my happy place.
Over the years, that has come and gone...but it's always remained there.
Aside from cost, the biggest drawback for me was a fear of losing friends and family. Back then, it wasn't where things are at now, and I would have surely had no one. So, I bought when I could, dressed when I could, and dreamed.
In college, with a little more freedom, I began exploring relationships with men, thinking that...well...maybe I was gay. While this wasn't the worst move for me, I couldn't be happy unless my partner was at least tolerating my need to be very feminine. Maybe I was just bad at finding people, but that did prove to be a challenge. I met someone, we clicked for a brief moment, and then he moved away...and I moved on.
I met my spouse shortly after, and I truly buried this part of me. Dressing and any trans thoughts were locked away, or only came out when I was truly alone with my thoughts. it was tolerable, but still always there.
we got married, had kids, the whole deal. more recently, we had issues, and in working things out, she suggested some spice...and when she sought her idea...I reintroduced dressing. it was spicy, it would make me happy, and maybe she'd be a rare bird who loved it. she allowed it, but support was fleeting and once her paramour was over things, it all went away. though, she didn't mind destroying me because I explored and enjoyed myself, and was really saying hello to an old friend, a part of me I had too often ignored.
And that basically brings me here. For whatever reason, in the past few days, something has clicked. the urge to dress and be more feminine has become overwhelming, and i am at a point where...it may finally be time to do something beyond just being the part behind closed doors.
Am I really doing this? I don't know. I have come close to telling one friend. My siblings don't know. I have talked to one person who runs in the same social circles, because she's done this very journey...and she pointed me here to find some friends as a start.
Being honest, I don't know if now is the time. Maybe I dip my toe back in the water, and decide I am content with "just" dressing when I can, and being myself here. but....this time feels different. My marriage is effectively over anyways, my children are older and as best I can tell, will understand and love me no matter what. I have convinced myself that this is me...Jenny is me, and it's time to give her a chance.
So...sorry if it was long and rambling and all that, but as with my order for new women's clothes and my frank discussions this week...this just feels right, and i have to give myself a chance.
thanks for listening
