Community Conversation > Transgender talk

Internal dilemmas, alternatives for trans guys?

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jamie-lee:
My problem might be stupid but here we go...

None of the popular transition options sit right with me. I'm looking for some alternatives to feel better about myself.

Usually, if people talk about FtM medical transition, it consists of: HRT, top surgery, hysterectomy, bottom surgery. I don't feel good about taking hormones and my body changing in some not entirely predictable ways becasue of them. I also have issues with hormones, I have to take medicines and the wrong medicines or an untreated illness take a serious toll on me, any small mistake would come with a heavy price. I don't think top surgery would make me any happier either, I just don't experience chest dysphoria, it happens once in a blue moon and I wouldn't feel like it matters to me to have a flat chest. Hysterectomy doesn't come into question because I want to have children in the future and because removing ovaries would cause me serious health problems (I tried birth control hormones in the course of treatment and it gives me serious issues). I used to feel like metoidoplasty would make me feel better, but now that I have some sexual experience, I don't think it would change anything and can cause potential damage, which is a problem for me, because I'm not even close to asexual.

From the effects of T, I think I could enjoy the lower voice, but I'm not sure if I would feel fine with not ever having my original voice again. I would for sure enjoy the larger clitoris, no question. But again, I'm not sure if I would feel fine with it not being what I originally had, if I wouldn't feel like a fraud. It wouldn't even look like a penis, just like fake intersex genitalia. I'm not even sure if I want them any bigger, if a medical procedure would do, I have to say that they can already bother me, when the foreskin slides off by accident. I'm just not sure if the experience would be any different (my clitoris already has a lot of exposure), they would just look different and the look they would get is intersex.

But to the point. I don't feel good about not having any steps of the medical sort in my transition. I would be happy to just do something. For MtF, there seem to be many possible options. I can't even find anything on the internet about options for trans guys. Especially not the full face surgery or silhouette modelling (I'm thin, no sense doing anything). I would want my transition to consist of something in order to feel good about myself. But I don't even have any point to grab that would make any sense, without more potential for regret than for feeling happier. I don't know, I just feel like a regular, unaltered woman because of that. I don't like that my body is some *objective female*. Like nothing really sets me apart from a regular woman.

If you've read the whole post and decide to reply, thank you for your patience.

Geez, this is so exhausting. I felt the same way a couple of times. I didn't have a reason to come out either and it felt so bad. I didn't have anything to grab. I didn't "mind" anything, hence I couldn't relate to trans folks and didn't have a reason to come out or a way to explain what I'm feeling or coming out with... It's the same thing. I don't really have a problem with anything in particular, but... nothing is right either? How the hell am I supposed to fox it?

Maid Marion:
Maybe you need to set some long term goals.  Where/what would you eventually like to do with your life after transition?
What will help you get there?

In my case, being short and petite, presenting female has made it way easier to socialize and buy clothes that fit properly.  Standards for men and women are much different.  My thin waist and youthful appearance are more obvious in female clothes.

Marion

JamieH:
Maybe your identity is more genderfluid/nonbinary than "trans man"?  Maybe a very low starting dose of T to see how it feels could provide a bit of clarity.  Fear and apprehension about significant and permanent changes is pretty common, but best to resolve those fears before doing anything drastic. 

I like Marion's advice....goals....In 10 years do you see yourself as a man, fully?  Or do you see yourself mostly as you appear now, but perhaps with some slight changes combined with social transition? 

Certainly not a stupid problem.  Do you have a therapist that you're discussing this stuff with?  I would never advise anyone take any medical steps without fully working out all the mental stuff with a qualified therapist first. 

In the meantime, social transition and adopting more masculine gender expression (clothes, mannerisms, hobbies etc) may give you a confidence boost.

Devlyn:
I'm going to third the goals sentiment. The  first thing most therapists ask is "What is your goal?" Are you seeing a therapist? They can help sort your thoughts out.

Dr Wittenberg at Mozaic Care offers nontraditional surgery options for transgender people, they might be able to offer you a treatment plan that you would find acceptable.

https://www.mozaiccare.net/

Hugs, Devlyn

jamie-lee:
I pass as a man and live as a man. I just feel bad about my body being XX at this point.

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