Author Topic: Jennifer's New Journey  (Read 2883 times)

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Offline JennyIsMe

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Re: Jennifer's New Journey
« Reply #40 on: June 09, 2022, 11:16:09 pm »
Thank you! I’ll do that in the morning.

Agreed. This is the area that should be interesting. It’s the one I’ve got the least experience in.


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Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: Jennifer's New Journey
« Reply #41 on: June 10, 2022, 01:10:46 am »
So. This was my first time since I was a kid where I think I had all female clothes on and a wig. That was a scout skit tho, so doesn’t count ;)

It was rushed. I’m winging it. And just wanted to give it a go without anyone happening in on me.

Honestly not disappointed. Like. For really not putting a ton of effort in. I didn’t hate how Jen looked. East room for improvement. But. Baby steps

I just cant figure out how to post a pic...so i am on a mission


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Sounds like some forward progress or at least some discovery there.  Nice.

Chrissy
Be a good example of good behavior.  Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that you speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.  Serve others.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  
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I am a brown eyed brunette.

Offline JennyIsMe

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Re: Jennifer's New Journey
« Reply #42 on: June 10, 2022, 10:19:57 pm »
let's see if i did this right.

and yes, it was a first shot with the wig, and didn't go nearly as well as I'd hoped...but im not unhappy with things


Offline JennyIsMe

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Re: Jennifer's New Journey
« Reply #43 on: June 10, 2022, 10:23:42 pm »
and a little tweaked...

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: Jennifer's New Journey
« Reply #44 on: June 10, 2022, 10:57:36 pm »
@JennieIsMe
Dear Jen:
I guess that my photo posting instructions worked for you.  :)

Thank you for taking the step of posting your picture wearing your new wig...
Your sharing of "yourself" with a photo is just the beginning of great things that are in line for you.
HUGS,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 42

Offline JennyIsMe

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Re: Jennifer's New Journey
« Reply #45 on: June 14, 2022, 12:55:48 pm »
so it's been...a wild and crazy few days.

wife had been making more comments than usual, so i figured she knew something.
therapist and others had said..she knows something, take the chance and go with it.

sunday, she made a comment, asked again, and i said maybe i am, but that im still figuring me out (not untrue)

it's been a crazy time since. she's angry, upset, concerned and more-echoing a lot of feedback i've seen in other threads, when someone came out to their other halves.

for the time being, dressing is on the table, with her knowledge, but only like, what i can wear without being out.
honestly, considering how long i've done this in the shadows, on business trips or not at all, it remains progress.
and, something i even brought up to my therapist, as much as i can wrap my head around the concept and imagine a life as fully transitioned...i also have never tried or experienced a life where i embrace more femininity, without going all the way.

so..call it a detour...maybe a rest stop.

it was made clear if i want the full transition, i am out. i expected that, so that is something for me to bear in mind too as things move forward.

in my mind, i put it like this.

she knows it's on my mind. she may now understand that my desire to dress was not/is not just sexual in nature, even though that is how she saw it before.
she did say things that hurt and were ill informed or ignorant...but i was in that boat too, and shes new on the path. i doubt she comes around, but at least i am no longer living with a complete secret.


Offline JennyIsMe

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Re: Jennifer's New Journey
« Reply #46 on: June 17, 2022, 10:38:50 pm »
Well...I survived the week. I think.

Interesting for sure.

Gladly had a one-off therapy session Monday, following the Sunday excitement. Unfortunately, due to a crazy week, I didn't get to speak with her again. Did text and email, she's good like that, but probably could have used the 2nd one.

Spouse has been...interesting? Like, Sunday has not been talked about again, at all.
A couple times, she's definetly made, or started to make, or implied comments about things. Nothing specific worth mentioning, but you could pick up that vibe from her. Otherwise, I don't think it's eggshells, but it feels like she's approaching life differently maybe? Trying to do more without me...which makes me think she's going to pull the plug. Which, if that is what she wants...fine. As others have said, it's likely for the best.

Sooner whatever is going on here gets sorted out, the sooner life moves on.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: Jennifer's New Journey
« Reply #47 on: June 18, 2022, 07:31:50 am »
Here is wishing you the best of results Jenny.

Chrissy
Be a good example of good behavior.  Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that you speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.  Serve others.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  
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I am a brown eyed brunette.

Offline JennyIsMe

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Re: Jennifer's New Journey
« Reply #48 on: June 22, 2022, 11:13:47 pm »
I’m definitely feeling…lots of things.

Impostor syndrome for sure (and I thought I’d only have that in my professional life!)

Limbo too. Spouse has not brought it up since the big reveal. Feels like the elephant in the room at times. I sense she’s guarded. Or processing or avoiding or all of the above. Or she’s doing the ostrich thing and hoping it will all go away

Meanwhile. I’m finding out that when I embrace girl mode. I’m having a shopping problem. I like a lot. So. I’ve been buying. Not too bad yet, I control myself by reminding myself that until I’m wearing more often and more out. Why waste. But it’s tough. It’s almost torture, in that I love what I get and how I look (minus the male features and whatnot). But I hate not being at that point where I can…getting there takes time.

Making things harder for me now is. As the kids finish school, my good therapy times are harder to come by. So I am working that out.

I’ve debated coming out to a few others. But it’s a busy time for those who I think would be good to talk to, so the opportunity has not popped up yet. But I’m more amenable to letting that cat out of the bag, at least with a few trusted friends.

But I do debate. Should I be out to a friend before my spouse has accepted it. Should I be out to a friend before I’m out to my kids. Sometimes I say they aren’t connected. Other times I feel like it’s just the right thing to do.

Let the roller coaster continue!


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Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: Jennifer's New Journey
« Reply #49 on: June 26, 2022, 09:42:10 pm »
@JennyIsMe
Dear Jennifer:
Thank you for sharing your update.

I am wishing your success and happiness as you deal with your self-described "imposter syndrome" and your big reveal to your spouse.   
Have you considered couples counseling with your gender therapist?  It just might help.

As you continue to come out to family and friends I wish you well, and each time that you come out to
someone it will be like lifting heavy weights off of your shoulders.

Oh yes, most of us that are reading your update posting can identify with having "shopping" problems ... I call
it shopping therapy.

I am eager to read your future updates.... all of us here on the forums are your biggest fans and always rooting
for your success.

Best wishes to you....
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 42

Offline JennyIsMe

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Re: Jennifer's New Journey
« Reply #50 on: June 26, 2022, 10:41:59 pm »
I've kicked the therapy idea around, but I have doubts.

I don't doubt that it would help. I do doubt that she would take part.

Any prior time I sought help, for any number of issues that impacted us both...she wanted no part. I suppose she sees a stigma to it, and/or refuses to walk into someplace where she might have to hear things she doesn't want to hear.

For now, she has not brought it back up. I've danced around it a few times, but that is all it's been. In a way, I feel like the further away from coming out to her I get...it's like I never told her me being trans was a distinct possibility.

All while I have been dressing more frequently (nothing major, just underwear but as part of my "normal" attire now). I have ordered more things, and while I have a bunch of nicer things stashed away...I do have plenty at home too. And...regular clothes coming, which is exciting.

Happy to have...grateful to have...anyone here listening, reading and offering support. Helps alot, as I know you all know.

:)

In years past, pride day didn't mean much of anything to me. maybe it bothered me, being in the closet and self-loathing. Now, while I am not yet that out...it still made me smile and that's a major step, i think.

Offline JennyIsMe

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Re: Jennifer's New Journey
« Reply #51 on: June 28, 2022, 03:27:47 pm »
another day, still kinda in limbo.

chatted with a close friend last night and danced around the topic. came close to coming out, but i was kinda fishing. or hoping she would fish, i guess. heart was pounding for a bit, but then the conversation shifted. based on what we both said tho...i feel good that she won't cut me off. i didn't think she would, but..it's always a concern.

in my defense for chickening out, she's swamped, and it was really late so i was half awake.

was bummed as i ordered some jeans, but they didn't arrive as expected. this is on top of having tried on a pair of jeans, loving the fit, and then learning that they are not made anymore.

did get my order from Lane Bryant today, so that is something to look forward to trying on later.

Here's a question for anyone who is reading. a couple image things I wrestle with.

1-the hair. totally just on my head, but for a long time (like, most of my life) my hair has either been extremely short, or most recently, generally clean shaven. i have been shaving a little bit less often, but still at least 1 or 2x a week, its taken all the way down. now, i am debating...i have tried on a couple wigs and played with filters, but dunno if i want to try and grow it to be even short...or just wig it...or rock the sinead look. curious how folks started/went.

2-ink. i have tattoos...and while several of my tops have like, quarter sleeves and are comfortable...they also show the ink and i am still wrapping my head around that long term. have zero thought of removing them, part of me says to just shave the arms and leave them, or perhaps have more ink thrown into them that gives a bit of a feminine element to them. its not that they are like, aggressively manly. maybe its just me looking at them and remembering when/why i got them, and knowing that they don't fit jen?


Offline JennyIsMe

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Re: Jennifer's New Journey
« Reply #52 on: June 28, 2022, 03:35:34 pm »
Also, on the limbo, forgot to add...she won't talk about what was said before.

like, was doing something in a closet,  one of us commented about coming out of the closet, and i was like...well...did that...and i just got a look. and then she was distant the rest of the afternoon.

Offline JennyIsMe

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Re: Jennifer's New Journey
« Reply #53 on: June 29, 2022, 09:21:02 pm »
another interesting 24 hour span, to be sure.

got my lane bryant order yesterday. hits and misses, keeping it all though...shopping therapy is real!

have newly discovered a love for cami's, and that may be one of my staples as i work in more female clothing initially. got a siliky one on at the moment, and its nice as a top on it's own, or under a shirt, and totally blends. or does to me, at least.

also was reminded that removing hair can feel great...but water in the shower does not by itself make an adequate replacement for shaving products. meh.

and in a complete shock...in the moment, the spouse and i actually fooled around last night. for the first time in, no joke, probably 18 months? like, lost track. had no desire to do anything but take care of her, but there we are. get to unpack that with the therapist tomorrow, because i have no idea what to make of it. i was expecting wife to be like...so remember coming out to me? would you still do that if you were trans (yes...yes i would)....


Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: Jennifer's New Journey
« Reply #54 on: July 04, 2022, 09:49:11 am »
another interesting 24 hour span, to be sure.

got my lane bryant order yesterday. hits and misses, keeping it all though...shopping therapy is real!

have newly discovered a love for cami's, and that may be one of my staples as i work in more female clothing initially. got a siliky one on at the moment, and its nice as a top on it's own, or under a shirt, and totally blends. or does to me, at least.

also was reminded that removing hair can feel great...but water in the shower does not by itself make an adequate replacement for shaving products. meh.

and in a complete shock...in the moment, the spouse and i actually fooled around last night. for the first time in, no joke, probably 18 months? like, lost track. had no desire to do anything but take care of her, but there we are. get to unpack that with the therapist tomorrow, because i have no idea what to make of it. i was expecting wife to be like...so remember coming out to me? would you still do that if you were trans (yes...yes i would)....

Camisoles are great.

It is nice that you and your why had a good time together in that special way.

I hope that your therapist continues to help clarify things for you.

@Jessica_Rose has a delightful all around relationship with her wonderful wife Susan.  May you be so lucky to enjoy that with your wife.

Chrissy
Be a good example of good behavior.  Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that you speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.  Serve others.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  
.

I am a brown eyed brunette.

Offline JennyIsMe

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Re: Jennifer's New Journey
« Reply #55 on: July 06, 2022, 10:44:11 pm »
I am not getting my hopes too up for a long lasting thing where she accepts me as trans and warms up to the fact that, while neither of us knew it then, she did marry a woman.

too much of our relationship is or has been rocky, so as much as the familiarity and history can be appealing to not throw away...it is what it is.

now, beyond camis, my shopping addiction/therapy is a real thing lol.

i got my latest order from torrid yesterday. tried most of it yesterday, liked most of it. some wasn't as good as hoped, but not bad. tried the rest on, and wow.
thought i had found a true everyday panty for me-a microfiber boyshort, to which I snagged, online and in store, 11 pairs (i actually have more of them now than my mens boxers). well...i rolled the dice on a different style boyshort, and love them even more. fit is nicer (and the other, 11 pairs later, was superb). and this one even has lace in good spots. plus, found some nice high waist "sexy briefs" (their line, not mine. i'd say more comfy, but whatever).

so...its almost like im going to have a voice in my head being like...hey...jen...you bought them, you gotta wear them more!

even tho the last few days, so much running around, i have actually worn things less, sadly.

now, my next step in my journey. silly, probably, but it's my step so...i am going with it.

i have worn my boyshorts out numerous times over the last month...but always under a pair of boxer shorts, and usually low risk-like, i drove and dropped off, but never got out or anything. i don't leave the house as much now, so, it is what it is.

now? i am strongly leaning toward ramping things up. going out for some errands tomorrow...and leaning toward my newer, lacier boy shorts...and no layers between it and my "normal" men's clothes. i don't have a lot to wear out that is not male mode stuff, and i am not yet up to that, so it's OK.

i am also sure that there will come a time, down the road, where I look back on this and think how silly i was to wait, or how silly i was to debate only wearing my proper and appropriate underthings.

One last thing, perhaps more a question. actually, two.

1-at any point did anyone wonder or debate if they picked their new name wrong, or changed their minds? it's been kicking around my head a bit, where i always would roleplay in my mind as Jennifer Michelle. but now that that seems as close to a reality as ever...I'm like...can I do better (nothing wrong with Jennifer, just...there are other J names I never even considered). plus, wife made a comment at how bland it is, and that stuck with me. I can't tell if she remembers me liking that for myself and it was a dig, or jsut remembers i liked it when it came to naming our kids, and it was too plain for her.

2-how long is typical (not that there is one) before you ask your therapist for a letter to start HRT? Or, is it more along the lines of a good therapist should ask/mention to you about that? Or am i going about that thought process wrong...

basically, i believe that is my impending next step...and that + coming out more are looming. i know there are steps, blood tests and all, to be done, not like i can just call up the drug store and order it, and the letter(s) tend to be part of it. i was even considering going to a local PP to leverage their resources, since it is an option...but it's purely exploratory now.

thanks :)

Offline JennyIsMe

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Re: Jennifer's New Journey
« Reply #56 on: July 14, 2022, 09:01:05 pm »
more shopping therapy...biggest splurge thus far (thank you store coupons). spent 400 for a whole bunch of clothes, filling out the wardrobe...which is kinda also pushing me to come more out, at least some time, because...gotta wear the nice stuff.

being on vacation has made talking with my therapist harder, but shes awesome and we texted and emailed...and while im already here and have had the thoughts and all...based on a chat this week it was sort of the epiphany that no, im not "maybe" trans. its a definite.

the shopping was sort of that trigger. in my 44 years of being a man, of which i'd say 30 saw me self-funded to buy clothes, i've never happily bought clothes, no matter how much. like not even a hockey jersey or something like that, and those can be pricey.

but, over the last few weeks, waitinf for the coupons to be allowed, i put over a thousand dollars worth of clothes in my cart. no, i didn't buy all of them...i scaled it down to 400....but...not only was it like my biggest clothes purchase of my life, but also made me the happiest.

to which, my therapist said...i think that says a lot.

and...here i am.

Offline davina61

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Re: Jennifer's New Journey
« Reply #57 on: July 15, 2022, 02:53:26 am »
Yup buying clothes that fit is what started my "trip" , I blame the closing down sale in the outsize store. That was it ,Davina came out of her cage.
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


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Offline JennyIsMe

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Re: Jennifer's New Journey
« Reply #58 on: July 27, 2022, 10:55:52 am »
So I survived a family vacation...did not bring much, but happened to bring some undies and managed a time or two of dressing as i could. call it my security blanket.

Got home and it took me a couple evenings to try on all my splurge items. I can confirm Spanx are evil, but overall, i like what i got.

I find it funny...as a guy, when things fit me snug, I hate/hated it. maybe it was because it was mens cuts? dunno.
but, i have leggings/tights and 3 pairs of jeans/jeggings, and while they are all soft/stretchy, they are all snug to the skin and i am all about that. my camis, same thing. outside of one i got from LB that is silky and just fits good, they are all snug and put a smile on my face.

i had it on my list this week to try and start working out the HRT plan. where I am, i was told by a few including my therapist that planned parenthood might be the best/easiest. seems the one on my particular island sent me to one in NJ, so if i want that, i have to go there...not my favorite idea. was hopeful, since PP site indicated some do this via telemed, and i an a sucker for that.

so...still searching on that one, and i guess i am somewhat debating either Plume, or an actual real live endo and hoping for the best.

On the other side of things, i decided to call for a consult with Dr. Bluebond. last i had called, it was mid-24 for appointments. now it's almost into 25.

but...i have a december 2024 consult to kick things off, and it felt surreal to talk to the receptionist making the appointment, and even the first one i talked to, asking me my preferred name. and i just got the welcome email packet...to Jennifer. so, that's exciting i think.

good and bad, it is all progress. and i felt like sharing :)
« Last Edit: July 27, 2022, 02:06:31 pm by JennyIsMe »

Offline JennyIsMe

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Re: Jennifer's New Journey
« Reply #59 on: August 04, 2022, 09:41:22 pm »
I still need to figure out my HRT route...that is something that i kinda lost in all my busy-ness lately. I should be better about that...

I do have a work trip now scheduled for next month. This gives me a chance, as others have suggested, to take some outfits with me and actually take my time.

Like, here at home, i am limited to evenings and those are not even entirely mine. I have been nearly busted by a kid once or twice...

On the road, even if it is just a few days? I have plans in my head. i can bring a full outfit or two...and maybe try my hand at makeup and bring a wig or both...and either sit in my hotel room as me for the heck of it...or if i am really motivated? Maybe go for a walk or hit the hotel bar. but considering i have not once even practiced my female voice...that could be hillarious. also, feels like i'd almost rather do that with a friend, but i have none, and i am certainly not involving a business associate.

other than that, i ordered my first two dresses last week, they get picked up tomorrow, so those should be fun. i hope.

that and i realized...i've been bad of late, my diet has been destroyed and my excercise gear is getting dusty, i have been bad since vacation and that was a month ago. gotta get back on that wagon ASAP or my BBW is going to become a SSBBW....and i JUST bought a whole bunch of stuff I really like and don't want to replace

the one down side for me this week? i had one friend in mind to be my first who knew I was trans. she texts at odd hours, sometimes meaning i am half asleep, and i nearly told her when i was in a fog. but i passed out. now, she's once again hard to talk to, she's got her own stuff going on, and whatever it is, i don't rank on the "worth telling now" list.

which kinda made me think...i don't know...guess i need to make new friends. i do, honestly. wishing i had an actual cis female friend nearby, especially when mentioning trying makeup (though, I did get some pointers from some online agents from various makeup companies...).

OK...that's it for my ramblings...

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