Author Topic: Coming out to the wife  (Read 793 times)

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Offline Gigi Cooper

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Coming out to the wife
« on: June 09, 2022, 08:49:49 pm »
So today I came out to the wife. I had her read the short story Darkest before dawn then told her to read my journal which I had written much about wanting to tell her. After being married for 35 years she really took it well but still can't wrap her head around it. Last week I came out to my therapist and felt like such a load had been lifted, now I feel like I betrayed my wife. But I can't keep living a lie no mater what happens in the future. A lifetime of happiness wasted feeling guilty about the way I have always felt. Hiding my secrete, always mad at myself and lashing out at others to unload my anger. Being one person when no one is around and another for show, the man i really wasn't. Always trying to live up to everyone elses expectations of what I should be never minding how it made me feel. The genie is out of the bottle and never going back. At 59 starting to transition i'm sure will be difficult. Any suggestions from others who waited late in life to start would be appreciated.
Say what you mean,
mean what you say
and don't be mean when you say it.

Be honest to yourself and others.

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Coming out to the wife
« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2022, 10:42:30 pm »
@ Gigi Cooper
Dear  Gigi Cooper
    You are not alone in taking the big step of transitioning "late in life" ... we have many members here that started their transition journey as older adults.
If you take some time to read many of the postings and Blog threads here you will see members older than yourself that not only transitioned successfully but also ended up having accepting and supportive wives.

    Please know that I am not trying to hijack your post and your questions and concerns but first I wish to Officially Welcome YOU to Susan's Place.
    I am happy to see that you have signed up as a member of Susan's Place and have submitted your first posting. 

    As you post here on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you wrote about.
 
    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.
 
    I want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.   Other members will be along shortly to give you their thoughts about your questions and concerns that you mentioned in your very first posting.
   
    There is information and important LINKS that I have included below.   You will find information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask....

If you have more questions regarding the Susan's Place Forum please feel free to contact
me at northernstargirl@susans.org

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle
   
Global Moderator

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 
Things that you should read
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 42

Offline TXSara

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Re: Coming out to the wife
« Reply #2 on: June 10, 2022, 03:12:35 am »
So today I came out to the wife. I had her read the short story Darkest before dawn then told her to read my journal which I had written much about wanting to tell her. After being married for 35 years she really took it well but still can't wrap her head around it. Last week I came out to my therapist and felt like such a load had been lifted, now I feel like I betrayed my wife. But I can't keep living a lie no mater what happens in the future. A lifetime of happiness wasted feeling guilty about the way I have always felt. Hiding my secrete, always mad at myself and lashing out at others to unload my anger. Being one person when no one is around and another for show, the man i really wasn't. Always trying to live up to everyone elses expectations of what I should be never minding how it made me feel. The genie is out of the bottle and never going back. At 59 starting to transition i'm sure will be difficult. Any suggestions from others who waited late in life to start would be appreciated.

First, a HUGE welcome to the site!  I'm sure you'll find a lot of good information and possibly some good friends here.

I would like to commend you on doing the right thing and letting your wife know.  I think that letting her read your journal was a really nice way for your to open up.  It is almost symbolic, in my opinion, that you are saying, "There are no secrets -- I'm letting you in FULLY.  I am trusting you with my most inner thoughts."  That is exactly the type of thing you will continue to need to do in the future.

~Sara

Offline Gigi Cooper

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Re: Coming out to the wife
« Reply #3 on: June 10, 2022, 05:42:09 am »
Thanks for the support. It means a lot to have other caring individuals who have went through or are going through what I am. I have been on this site for many years but never signed in. Its great to finally come to terms that its not a sin of lust that I can beat with enough effort and except the reality of I was born this way. A lifetime of dressing up in secrete, filled with self hate. My wife can't believe I've been wearing her clothes in secrete all these years even her wedding dress without her knowing. She is trying to except this but is afraid of the day we go out in public and be seen. She is very concerned that I will never pass as a woman. Years of weight lifting and broad shoulders 5'10 and 210lb, she doesn't want to be seen as a lesbian or have someone come up to her and ask where her husband is and look at me and have to explain. I told her its a long journey and if it gets to weird for her we can figure out what do then. She really whishes I was just a cross dresser and would be happy doing that. I know that it's all or nothing now. It was a little weird but I showed her what i looked like in one of my pushup bras 42C just to show her I was serious about this. A little strange she couldn't stop looking at my boobs and wanted to know if I had already started hormones or something. Sorry to ramble on but its so comforting to confide in others who have been down this road. I'll keep everyone posted as to my progress, Thanks.
Say what you mean,
mean what you say
and don't be mean when you say it.

Be honest to yourself and others.

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: Coming out to the wife
« Reply #4 on: June 10, 2022, 06:08:39 am »
Gigi, this can be the most harrowing time, but it can also provide such relief. It is important to remember that this affects your wife as much as it does you, and you have had many years to come to terms with it, so give her time. If you wish to remain partners, she needs to be involved in all the decisions, and she needs to believe you are being honest with her, and that includes not having secrets.

You were born with this, and in recent years, it has been proven that in key areas, trans women develop brains identical to cis women during foetal development. So it is a medical condition, not something you want just to make you happy. We also suffer with gender dysphoria, which can affect our health if not treated. There are lots of resources online, and the more you and your wife learn, the better chance you have of both getting through this.

Honestly, most couples don't make it through transition, but many do. I came out to my wife before we got married over 22 years ago, and she supported me as far as dressing at home, but made it clear she would leave if I ever transitioned. 3 years ago due to failing health, I had to transition to reduce dysphoria, and she stuck by me, even driving me to hospital for my GRS. I thought we had made it, but as soon as I recovered she left. She really tried, but just couldn't do it.

I hope you can get through this together!

Hugs,

Allie
1958 Knew I should be a girl
1961 Told my mother I was a girl
1976 told my fiance I was trans
1999 told my 2nd wife to be I was trans
2000 began being me at home
2018 Dysphoria made me seriously sick
2019 started HRT, not sick any more!
        Started electrolysis
2020 Full time, legally Me!
2021 Labiaplasty
        Divorced again and on my own

Offline Rakel

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Re: Coming out to the wife
« Reply #5 on: June 10, 2022, 07:01:21 am »
In my situation, the marriage had broken down before my transition. We were both looking for an excuse to leave the other one. A toxic relationship is best ended as soon as possible.

I know a number of people who have accepting spouses. Unfortunately, I was not one of them.  :'(

Divorce is not pretty, but sometimes there are no other better options. Life goes on.




_______________________________________________________________

Retired Pharmacist with over 40 years experience in Hospital and Retail Pharmacies.
I still keep my professional licence active and in good standing.


Offline Margrit

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Re: Coming out to the wife
« Reply #6 on: June 10, 2022, 07:35:23 am »
Hi Gigi Cooper

Welcome to the forums.

Best wishes
Margrit
If a man can make you smile,
even if you don't want to,
then you love him.

Offline JennyIsMe

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Re: Coming out to the wife
« Reply #7 on: June 10, 2022, 10:42:58 am »
In my situation, the marriage had broken down before my transition. We were both looking for an excuse to leave the other one. A toxic relationship is best ended as soon as possible.

I know a number of people who have accepting spouses. Unfortunately, I was not one of them.  :'(

Divorce is not pretty, but sometimes there are no other better options. Life goes on.

this is what i am basically staring in the face right now. therapist is like...what are you worried about, it's not like there's anything to save. she isn't wrong, and shes not pushing me or anything. mostly, i guess, on me to figure out where i would go and how it would go with the kids.

we already don't share a bed, have not for years. she is no fan of mine, we coexist...so me coming out as trans just gives her something else to hold against me. or, it's not as though when i come out shes going to hug me and welcome me to the sisterhood or anything. im sure it will go over like a lead balloon.

good luck Gigi!

Offline Traci M Knight

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Re: Coming out to the wife
« Reply #8 on: June 20, 2022, 01:27:52 am »
Hi Gigi and a warm welcome to Susan's,

You aren't the only one starting transition later in life. I started HRT a little over a year ago at age 65. It's great that your wife is understanding, and her apprehensions are normal but I'm sure your therapist will tell you that too. Remember that not only are you transitioning, but your relationship and your wife are transitioning too. Also, keep your expectations reasonable, unless you've been blessed, we are never going to look like a model. Take a look at my picture, it is me.
Having your wife not completely freak out is a plus. I had to live as a roommate with my wife until our son was old enough that I didn't need support and we divorced several years ago. The upside, the depression I suffered with for years lifted when I began HRT. Hopefully HRT will help you feel better. Confidence should come with time as you live as your authentic self. Only recently I've started going out to electrolysis dressed more femininely and wearing light makeup.

Transition is a process not an overnight change and it's great you've got a therapist. They should be able to help you and your wife adjust to new normals. For me, beginning medical transition was a lot easier than social transition, coming out to family and friends. I still haven't come out to my 92 year old mother, but I've started with friends I felt would be accepting and letting them see Traci more often.

Please feel free to ask questions and interact and you'll find there are as many experiences as there are people here, and most of us are willing to answer those questions as best we can.

Looking forward to hearing more as you go forward with your journey.

Best Wishes and Hugs!
Traci Melissa Knight


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