Community Conversation > Transitioning

Question about body image, euphoria/arousal and impostor syndrome

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Courtney G:
As you can read about in my blog thread (link below), my journey has been rife with fear and doubt. I've always wanted breasts, never liked my body, never felt "happy to be a man", and always envied women and for decades I figured that it was all just a reflection of how much I liked women. You know, the classic narrative: "I just envision myself as a woman because I love women."

As I continue along this path and HRT changes my body, I find myself feeling tons of euphoria over body hair removal, fat redistribution and, especially, my developing breasts. My breasts are pretty much the center of my universe. I think about them all day long and I touch or examine them constantly. They bring me so much joy....and guilt. As impostor syndrome creeps in, I start to think of myself as a pervert who is just doing this to turn themself on. But I love the feelings, so I continue, then another round of guilt appears. It's a vicious cycle. Interestingly, my interest in transformation fiction and online "material" for mental stimulation has practically disappeared. If I do look at some things, it's serves more for comparison purposes rather than to stimulate my imagination. Daily life with this body is now just about enjoying the "assets" and the changes that are occurring.

I've read a lot about this here, but what I fear sometimes is the fact that I seem to be largely missing the "I want the world to see me as a woman" and "I want to recognize my identity as female." For me, it's largely body-focussed. This is scary. Aren't I *supposed* to want to present in public as a woman? Why would I want to change my body and not want to share it? These questions continue to haunt me. I do believe that maybe I'll begin to feel the need to present as a woman once my outsides better match my insides. You know the narrative: it's fine until you see your face in the mirror and it ruins the fantasy. I do sometimes tell myself "well, if my hairline was lower, it might be different." Maybe I really do want to present as a woman. I don't know right now.

People in the trans community will say things to validate me, which is nice, but I feel like it's time to take some sort of survey. I need to know that I'm not alone...and maybe that I *am* trans (or not):

How many of you felt a combination of emotional euphoria and outright sexual arousal from your (chosen gender) body as it developed? Is this normal? Still feel it after transitioning? I know that there are those with very low sex drive for whom this might not be a thing, so I guess I'm addressing those who have a stronger libido.

I should add that while I've always had a healthy libido, I've been pretty dysmorphic about my body, so my enjoyment has never been focussed on my own attributes, just on the sensations I feel, or on satisfying my partner (when I'm with one). That has changed significantly - I like my body, for the first time in my life.

Thanks.

pamelatransuk:
Hello Courtney

Yes to the former Emotional Euphoria in your penultimate para, but as mainly asexual (with minor lesbian tendencies) very little sexual arousal as you assume of us.

Furthermore Yes it is normal, Yes remains so after transitioning, Yes l love my body for the first time in my life also. I went fulltime Pamela in June 2019 and had GRS MDV in June 2021.

Wishing you success and happiness.

Hugs

Pamela xx

Rakel:
Courtney,

You have expressed several doubts concerning presentation and gender identity. You have mentioned sexual issues. The last sentence you say that you like your body. I do not understand what you are trying to communicate. Maybe if you can take one issue at a time, it would make it easier for me to understand what you are saying.

Now, I have to ask, "How do you want to live the rest of your life ?" Not everyone needs to transition. Many of us are just fine with occasional cross dressing. There are many other ways of dealing with our gender issues.

Additionally, sexuality and gender identity are two different things. Transition may not give you what you want. To satisfy one issue may complicate the other. Only you can decide what you need to do because only you must live with the consequences of any transition you take.

I was in denial for over 50 years and I have some idea of what you are going through. It is not an easy decision to make. We must all make our own decisions. And remember, deciding to not make a decision is also a decision. It is not easy and really, many of us make no decision at all until we are absobutely sure that we need to transition and that we can accept the negative consequences. Decide carefully.

Take care.  :-*

Maid Marion:
I have socially transitioned but not gone on HRT and don't plan any surgery.
By that I mean I dress in feminine clothes and have a female speaking voice and mannerisms.

I'm more confident presenting female than I ever did as a guy.

Marion

Courtney G:
@Rakel : Sorry if I've confused you. Much of the thread was written to provide background/context for my question. Just focus on the question following the "It's time to take a survey" part. That was the purpose of this thread.

@pamelatransuk : this makes me feel a bit better. Thank you.

@Maid Marion :and you do it so well!!

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