Hello everyone
I became a member of this forum around two years ago when I first had thoughts of being a transwoman (AMAB). I researched a lot about being trans and I kinda buried the idea behind rationalizations that I would still be a cisman because I didn't want to deal with the challenge of being trans. Well, the thoughts have returned now after doing a mindfulness-based stress reduction course in which I tried to learn to be more accepting of myself. I started the course because I still have this annoying hearing hypersensitivity called hyperacusis where many normal sounds, especially high-pitched and loud ones, give me burning in the ears that lasts for hours to days; ironically makes my deep male voice a good thing. And well, this time I'm more open to being trans, even if it's gonna be difficult. I realized that this is the reason why I never really was at peace with myself, I always was fairly dissociated from myself and an extreme "brain person" who overthought everything (which probably served distraction). If I want to be happy, I need to rise up to the challenge.
I kinda just wanted to put out my situation because I currently have nobody to talk about this at the moment. I first want to make sure where I stand with a therapist and getting more confidence where I am on the transgender spectrum so I haven't come out to my parents yet. Not really sure how they're going to react but I have never really been truly happy or in any relationship in my life, which they know and care about, and I've talked about them what if I were homosexual and it wouldn't be a deal to them. Neither to my brother actually, so I am not overly concerned. Still I am at the beginning of my transition journey, which might take longer or be more difficult because of my illness (disabled people face similar problems like transpeople, so it's a double whammy). I do have a friend who is genderfluid but I haven't been able to talk to him about this recent development and I won't be seeing him until in a month. And otherwise there's not really anybody to talk about. Though there is this transwoman who I have met two years ago before I sort of went back to the closet. Maybe I can have a coffee with her...
The reason why I finally want to acknowledge myself is: I don't know how this evolves with my illness since if I get further worsenings I might become homebound. So this will not only limit my life even more but is also putting a lot of stress on me, so I need to solve as much of my other problems as possible, which is also acknowledging my (most likely) identity as a transperson. It's tough and sometimes I think whether I should throw the towel in, but I know it's just a phase of volatile emotions. I just have to realize that I need support because I can't shoulder this mentally all on my own.
Still good things happened in those past two years: My biggest accomplishment was that I reconciled with my school friend whom I thought had bullied me back in elementary school. To me it was bullying and it had always been affecting me, leading to many trust issues and worsening the dissociation (I initially believed that the bullying was the reason for this). He saw the situation back then differently (which I found believeable because it happened rarely and wasn't outright malicious), but he had been subjected to bullying at other times so he understood my feelings well. I never had to take up so many courage to hold this conversation with him, but I succeded! Biggest accomplishment of 30 years of living! We've met twice again so far and I just feel a whole lot better.
Anyway, I've been through a lot of difficult situations, ironically probably because I had gender dysphoria going on in the background in the form of my dissociation, but so far I've always managed. I think it's just important to take one step at a time to not be overwhelmed and not be afraid of asking for support.
Thanks to everybody who reads this!
