Author Topic: My situation / venting  (Read 571 times)

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Offline Cecile89

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My situation / venting
« on: June 23, 2022, 11:05:14 am »
Hello everyone

I became a member of this forum around two years ago when I first had thoughts of being a transwoman (AMAB). I researched a lot about being trans and I kinda buried the idea behind rationalizations that I would still be a cisman because I didn't want to deal with the challenge of being trans. Well, the thoughts have returned now after doing a mindfulness-based stress reduction course in which I tried to learn to be more accepting of myself. I started the course because I still have this annoying hearing hypersensitivity called hyperacusis where many normal sounds, especially high-pitched and loud ones, give me burning in the ears that lasts for hours to days; ironically makes my deep male voice a good thing. And well, this time I'm more open to being trans, even if it's gonna be difficult. I realized that this is the reason why I never really was at peace with myself, I always was fairly dissociated from myself and an extreme "brain person" who overthought everything (which probably served distraction). If I want to be happy, I need to rise up to the challenge.

I kinda just wanted to put out my situation because I currently have nobody to talk about this at the moment. I first want to make sure where I stand with a therapist and getting more confidence where I am on the transgender spectrum so I haven't come out to my parents yet. Not really sure how they're going to react but I have never really been truly happy or in any relationship in my life, which they know and care about, and I've talked about them what if I were homosexual and it wouldn't be a deal to them. Neither to my brother actually, so I am not overly concerned. Still I am at the beginning of my transition journey, which might take longer or be more difficult because of my illness (disabled people face similar problems like transpeople, so it's a double whammy). I do have a friend who is genderfluid but I haven't been able to talk to him about this recent development and I won't be seeing him until in a month. And otherwise there's not really anybody to talk about. Though there is this transwoman who I have met two years ago before I sort of went back to the closet. Maybe I can have a coffee with her...

The reason why I finally want to acknowledge myself is: I don't know how this evolves with my illness since if I get further worsenings I might become homebound. So this will not only limit my life even more but is also putting a lot of stress on me, so I need to solve as much of my other problems as possible, which is also acknowledging my (most likely) identity as a transperson. It's tough and sometimes I think whether I should throw the towel in, but I know it's just a phase of volatile emotions. I just have to realize that I need support because I can't shoulder this mentally all on my own.

Still good things happened in those past two years: My biggest accomplishment was that I reconciled with my school friend whom I thought had bullied me back in elementary school. To me it was bullying and it had always been affecting me, leading to many trust issues and worsening the dissociation (I initially believed that the bullying was the reason for this). He saw the situation back then differently (which I found believeable because it happened rarely and wasn't outright malicious), but he had been subjected to bullying at other times so he understood my feelings well. I never had to take up so many courage to hold this conversation with him, but I succeded! Biggest accomplishment of 30 years of living! We've met twice again so far and I just feel a whole lot better.

Anyway, I've been through a lot of difficult situations,  ironically probably because I had gender dysphoria going on in the background in the form of my dissociation, but so far I've always managed. I think it's just important to take one step at a time to not be overwhelmed and not be afraid of asking for support.

Thanks to everybody who reads this!

Offline Rakel

  • Formerly known as Dani
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Re: My situation / venting
« Reply #1 on: June 23, 2022, 08:36:32 pm »
Good evening Cecile,

Yes, it is most important to take this in at our own pace.

I was in denial for over 50 years. I finally came to the point where I needed to make my decision. I did this when I was ready to accept myself as I am. Self acceptance gave me the freedom to make my decision to transition and I am glad I did. No regrets, except maybe, not transitioning sooner.

You have mentioned many issues, in addition to the transgender issues. I highly recommend seeing a professional therapist as soon as possible. Look for a therapist who is well trained in gender related issues. We can relate our own experiences here at Susan's Place, but there is no substitute for professional counseling.

Take care.  :-*




_______________________________________________________________

Retired Pharmacist with over 40 years experience in Hospital and Retail Pharmacies.
I still keep my professional licence active and in good standing.


Offline Northern Star Girl

  • Previously Alaskan Danielle
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Re: My situation / venting
« Reply #2 on: June 23, 2022, 10:41:49 pm »
@Cecile89
Dear Cecile:
If you read enough of other member's threads here on the Forums you will find out that you are not alone with some of the things that you wrote about... 

I absolutely concur with the previous reply comment from @Rakel .... find a therapist experienced with transgender issues.... perhaps your doctor can give you some guidance in that search.

Wishing you well.
Warm wishes for your success.
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 42

Offline Cecile89

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Re: My situation / venting
« Reply #3 on: June 26, 2022, 03:24:02 pm »
Dear Rakel, Dear Northern Star Girl

Thank you for your replies. I was actually presented with a very good opportunity on Thursday to come out to my mom, and she's totally fine with me being trans! Neither is a problem for my dad as well, whom she told about later. I've further come out to my brother and one of my best friends and to them it's no deal either, so for the moment the biggest stress is gone. Today I had the best day of probably my entire life because I was ably to live true to myself, not denying myself anymore. It will still take many more steps, but it's all going into the right direction at the moment. :)

Offline Northern Star Girl

  • Previously Alaskan Danielle
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Re: My situation / venting
« Reply #4 on: June 26, 2022, 03:59:56 pm »
Dear Rakel, Dear Northern Star Girl

Thank you for your replies. I was actually presented with a very good opportunity on Thursday to come out to my mom, and she's totally fine with me being trans! Neither is a problem for my dad as well, whom she told about later. I've further come out to my brother and one of my best friends and to them it's no deal either, so for the moment the biggest stress is gone. Today I had the best day of probably my entire life because I was ably to live true to myself, not denying myself anymore. It will still take many more steps, but it's all going into the right direction at the moment. :)

@Cecile89
Dear Cecile:
Thank you for sharing your very good report regarding coming out to your family members and friends.   
I am certain that it must feel like a big heavy weight is lifted off of your shoulders

Thanks again for sharing your terrific news.  :)
I will be eagerly following your progress as you feel comfortable posting.
HUGS,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 42

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