Topic: New here

[Kaleig_hC]

I have seen posts in this forum for the past 7 years when searching for information. I decided to do an account. It does not let you do any name with the "leigh" suffix so I had to move the underscore symbol. This is my second attempt trying to come out. My first one from 2015 to 2019 did not go well. It made my dad angry. Before we moved back to the area I grew up in they made me give away much of my women's clothes, shoes, mascara, lipstick, nail polish, any my purse/handbag. My parents make me use one of those tool bags that you put work tools in as my bag. It is something you find in a hardware store.

I live with my parents and are supported by them. My mother did not agree with it the first time but she was not angry. She has a very even low key personality. My father physically and emotionally abused me growing up. I don't have same close relationship with him. On the plus side, my parents continue to let me use stealth women's and girls apparel including winter coats, jeans and pants, panties, and a pair of women's flip flops my mother gave me. They still don't let me use women's shirts. In preparation for when I can't hide my transition, I started buying more feminine apparel and hide these items from them. One place I have a head start is with my hair. I have grown my hair since 2011 and it is about mid back length and very wavy and feminine. I been pressured to cut my hair but have never done so. I don't think I pass I am only 39 days in but my hair gets my an occasional ma'am or get referred to as "her" especially if I leave my hair down and it partially covers my face. Men are constantly checking the bathroom sign to see if they are in the right one because of my hair. Many men think believe I am a woman apparently. I see that as a good sign.

I am trying to come out again soon. I have come out to the waitresses at a couple of restaurants I go to. They are totally supportive. Changes that have happened so far are minor. My testosterone levels are down and my weight has dropped from mid 130s to mid 120s. I am 5 feet 6 inches so I am skinny as a rail. I lost waist inches but gained some in the breast/bust area. My male sweat odor is gone now. Sex drive dropped. I am one that likes being small framed and skinny so it does not bother me. Don't hold me to it but I may have lost about a half inch of height. I have lost two shoe sizes and I suspect as hormones take more effect that my shoe size will get even smaller. I am taking it one day at a time. That is my story to this point.

[Allison R]

Hello Kaleigh. Welcome to the forums. Someone will be along soon with an "official" welcome, but as you probably already know, you are in very accepting and supportive company.

Allison

[Jessica_Rose]

Hello @Kaleig_hC , welcome to Susan's Place and the Forums!

I don't want to hijack this thread, but I noticed this is your very first post at Susan's Place! We hope you will find this a safe and friendly place to share information and read about the experiences of others. Susan's Place can be an amazing resource for advice, support, and sympathetic friends. Please feel free to comment on posts, ask questions, or share parts of your life. Some of our members even create their own blogs to document their journeys.
  
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[TXSara]

Hi Kaleigh!

I love your name, BTW.. it's really pretty!   

I want to congratulate you on starting (or maybe even restarting) HRT, and I also want to congratulate you on seemingly knowing exactly where you want to go.  It is difficult for many of us, including myself, to get to the point where we really know what we want.

I'm assuming that your parents know about the hormone changes, which means that they can't possibly be THAT bad, right?  It seems that even though they are not jumping up and giving you a high-five for wanting to transition, they at least are supportive enough to maintain a relationship afterward.

What exactly didn't "go well" when you began coming out a few years back?  Was it a problem with friends, family, or both?  I hope things go better this time.

Welcome to the site -- hopefully you'll get to know a lot of the wonderful women here a little better.

Good Luck!

~Sara

[Kaleig_hC]

My parents have not figured out the hormone changes yet. They know nothing not even the night sweats I experienced at the beginning. I ran my ceiling fan to help tame the sweating. Problems was mostly my father the first time even though my mother did not agree either. She is my protector when things get bad between me and dad. It is just 39 days. It is hiding itself at this point. I might have ever so slight change to my face last two to three days. I had to look hard to notice. I lost a lot of fat in my chest 7 years ago, to my mother it may just look like I got back my original male chest with what I gained in the bust area. I look anorexic to her here. You can see every bone of my rib cage. When I told her my old shirts don't fit me now, she told me I was getting a man chest. Little does she know it is the beginning of a woman chest. I ask the waitresses I come out to at the restaurant if they see anything different with my face tomorrow. All we can see of ourselves is a reflection in the mirror and not our actual appearance.

[TXSara]

My parents have not figured out the hormone changes yet.

Kaleigh, this worries me a little for you...

I'm putting things together, and I may not have all the pieces right... that being said, it sounds like you're old enough to make your own decisions, but you are still living under your parents' roof.  I would think this means that you're likely still on their medical insurance, no?  If they don't know, I worry that you're doing all of this without the care of doctor.

I hope that is not the case because you can really do some serious damage to your body if you are not able to monitor and manage your blood levels.  Every body is different, so you cannot just go by the dosing that everyone else is using.  For me, it took around 6 months of "make a change, give it 6-8 weeks, then blood test" in order to figure out what worked best.  If I had just gone with the "normal" dosing, I would be sitting here with estrone levels in the tens of thousands while my estradiol sat around 50-60.  No Bueno for transition, and it also would have been putting me at higher risk for cancer and other complications.

My suggestion is to either get your parents on board or find a way to become financially self-sufficient so that you can move out and do what you need.  It really isn't fair to your parents.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, and I am totally with you 100% if you feel the need to transition.  There are just "good ways" and "bad ways" to go about it, and I want to help you realize things before you get going too far down a "bad way."

Good luck, sweetie!

~Sara

[TXSara]

Hi again, Kayleigh --

I'm going to revise something I said above after reading another of your posts.  It seems like the vision I had in my head was wrong.  I had in my head a young woman who had tried to transition around 18, and was now in her mid 20's.  After reading that you are in your 40's, that changes the dynamic quite a bit.   

I'll leave a completely different bit of advice with this new info, LOL.

I tell my girls ALL THE TIME to remember that nobody cares about their well being as much as they themselves do.  I don't mean that to make them be selfish -- I just want them to remember that they do not want to live their lives beholden to someone else.  If you are not in a position to make the decisions in your life, those decisions will be made for you.  When those decisions are made, they will be made for the benefit of the decider, and not (necessarily) for your best interest.  While I'm sure your parents (more your mom than your dad) try to have your best interests at heart, any decisions they make will ALWAYS be filtered by what is best for THEM first.  It's just the way people work.

I guess what I'm saying is you need to get your rear in gear and get out of that house.  You're a grown woman.  You ABSOLUTELY cannot let your life be dictated by others.  If you don't have enough money, then find a better job.  If you don't have the skills to find a better job, then attain those skills.  If you have to take a second job, then do it.  You have to maintain positive control in your own life, sister.

Good luck!

~Sara

[tgirlamg]

Hi again, Kayleigh --


I tell my girls ALL THE TIME to remember that nobody cares about their well being as much as they themselves do.  I don't mean that to make them be selfish -- I just want them to remember that they do not want to live their lives beholden so someone else.  If you are not in a position to make the decisions in your life, those decisions will be made for you.  When those decisions are made, they will be made for the benefit of the decider, and not (necessarily) for your best interest.  While I'm sure your parents (more your mom than your dad) try to have your best interests at heart, any decisions they make will ALWAYS be filtered by what is best for THEM first.  It's just the way people work.

I guess what I'm saying is you need to get your rear in gear and get out of that house.  You're a grown woman.  You ABSOLUTELY cannot let your life be dictated by others.  If you don't have enough money, then find a better job.  If you don't have the skills to find a better job, then attain those skills.  If you have to take a second job, then do it.  You have to maintain positive control in your own life, sister.

Good luck!

~Sara

@TXSara  Word Sister! 😀👍

Welcome aboard Kayleigh… The determination Sara speaks of in the second paragraph, speaks well to the mindset of determination that will fuel your journey to whatever destination you seek!

Onward Brave Sister!

Ashley 🙋‍♀️🌻💕

[Kaleig_hC]

God will show me when to move. It is not time yet but it is getting closer. I know many of you are afraid for me but I have no fear in this. It is hard to describe this kind of peace to non Christians sometimes. I have been unemployed 10 years on September 18th. I would not have the time to get the skills I need fast enough at this point. All I can do is trust God at this point. I been through worse. My father physically and emotionally abused my all my life until 3 years ago. A typical altercation be he shoved me in the floor, pin my back to the ground, and then attempt to send his fist through my nose. My mother have to pull him off me. Last fight he tried to destroy my TV and game consoles. I had to jump on his back to break his momentum. Only me he has done like this. He was never this way with my sisters. I guess I am his bully pulpit since he was abused by alcoholic father growing up. He has his own unresolved problems. I am outlet for his pain. Mom is peace maker when this stuff happens. Last three years he has been entirely different.