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Hello im Luna

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Rachel Montgomery:
Hi Luna, wishing you well on Monday.

lunariaflower:
Thank you so much for the encouragement and being supportive everyone, especially you Ashley. :)

I basically want to stop trying to pretend to be someone else and be in disguise or incognito male mode and just live and experience life as who i am as a female. There is plenty of facts, truth, evidence, information, and studies on gender, that gender isnt really determined by the body as that's really superficial to tell us who someone is. I have read that it's mostly the brain and how its innately from birth wired and predispositioned towards a certain gender or sexual orientation or preference and that makes perfect sense in my case as i am my own unique individual girl to. It wasnt a choice to be transgender or a sexual perversion or whimsical but you have people who are in denial, they hate and dont believe in science, truth, doctors, even history regarding trans people. Their perspective, beliefs, ideas, and opinions are corrupted and they think their standard of things is perfect, they dont take in anything else or think outside of the box of society or be open minded and just assume about everything and take things for granted and its absurd to think we're bad people or less than human that dont deserve rights, freedom, liberty, respect and dignity for being trans. We get disowned by family, and shunned and ostracized and treated as outcasts by society and its norms because we are stigmatized for being different even though its normal and natural to be gay and trans but we are seen as disgusting freaks or weird creeps or even inferior for being our genuine and authentic selves for what which we were deprived of and need to stop letting the body and people around us interfere with and be an obstacle.

But anyways, my dad is a tough person to come out to, i want to stop being so distressed, miserable, i want to be happy and feel normal in my own skin and stop suffering and hurting emotionally and mentally. I dont have to behave like a male or express myself as one just because of the body, why should i have to be forced? And im not in harmony with my body or conform to it. I hate everything male about me and the way im treated as one and forced by dad to be one, as its just fake and to be honest its stressful to come out to a dad like mine with his lack of empathy, compassion, and transphobia and being judgmental, he has said some very offensive and horrible things about trans people, that im not even sure i want disclose what hes said, i just know that none of it is actually true just his prejudice, hate, and discrimination. I doubt he will ever accept me for who i am, and that's when ill have to move on and continue my life as it doesnt cater to him or revolve around him, i am an adult now, but my dad seems ignorant on the subject of transgender, so he makes a lot of misunderstandings but he uses things to his advantage to sound like what hes saying is plausible, he has a lot of common sense and is pragmatic.

I realized i was trans ever since i was little, of course i had no idea what transgender was at the time, i just knew i wasnt male after doing a lot of self inquiry and soul searching and introspective and contemplation. The body was so awkward and shocking and strange, and it still is until i transition and it matches who i am. Many of you can probably relate with me about a wrong body that doesnt represent our inner selves and sense of self. My life has been a total contradiction.

Now as far as bad reactions, backlash from family, that sort of thing, the reason im so scared and nervous is because i kind of already came out to him, many years ago, my therapist for instance, breached my confidentiality and called him on the phone back when it was still called gender identity "disorder", his reaction wasnt pleasant, he asked if i was "gay" as in a "man" and that if something was wrong with me. Then another time like 12 years ago i told my aunt's mom i was transgender, my aunt has long since estranged me and never talks to me, her and my uncle shes married to are very homophobic and transphobic. I cant ever change them or my dad, most likely but they are the only family i currently have other than me getting married to someone.

Right now life is difficult with my struggles and challenges, its not worth it to wait anymore im getting more and more upset, discontent, and unhappy and feeling uneasy so i contacted Planned Parenthood about HRT. I was a little shy about that post but im not exactly new here.

I havent talked to a WPATH therapist yet Ashley as to answer your question, i did contact a transgender specialist however for counseling and to get a referral for surgery.

Anyway i can go on and on but my post will be very long and overwhelming, thank you for welcomes here everyone and i hope to fit in and belong and make friends. I was on these boards back in 2018 for a long time but suddenly left because no progress was being made towards me transitioning and my life was just stagnant and nothing was impacting it in a positive way, everyone was transitioning and on HRT except for me and i got depressed and i guess envious. Now i am back and i might show some pictures of me, especially after the HRT for a while. No one probably remembers me and i forgot my old username. I think i had around 500 or 600 posts. Im still young, so there's always hope to improve my life, i have time.

I hope to get acclimated and accustomed to these forums again. You all have sweet words, and are not egotistical, i am grateful for the affection and warm kindness and courtesy. I really care about you all as well. :)

Maybe this time when coming out to dad, i wont feel so ashamed, guilty, humiliated, degraded, and embarrassed. Im on the right path now towards fixing my hurt and broken life and resolving my problems. I want him to recognize and acknowledge me but if he doesnt, im still going to be on HRT and transition. Its my life, not his. I do what i want and need to do for me, and not for anyone else and then perhaps i can find someone to marry and be happy with as well. If im happy they probably will be too.

Luna

It also doesnt matter if dad agrees with me on HRT, he doesnt control me, im not holding him by the hand as a kid anymore although he tries to be controlling. He asks all the time when he visits my apartment "am i gonna be proud of that", even asks who im talking to, im tired of it, ive pretty much had enough.

tgirlamg:
@lunariaflower

Hello Luna! 🙋‍♀️

I am hoping you had some progress on the HRT front with PP today!!!… If, by chance you didn’t hear anything yet, fear not… They can sometimes be a bit disorganized but, they always get it done! 😀👍

I hear in your words, the sound of someone who has come to the tipping point that has launched most all of our journeys… The point where all the worst fears we can imagine about what transition might bring… are not as bad a prospect, as hiding behind a false persona any longer… It is a liberating starting point because it demands much that is good from us… It demands that, at long last, we connect ourself, in a meaningful way, to our own life!!! 🌻

Consider that to love and be loved by others, they must first know us… in many cases… so many of us have lived a lifetime without ever showing our true face to anyone… we have never truly been loved for the truth of who we are… others only know the false persona we have become adept at projecting… whatever regard they have for that projection, always leaves us a bit empty and without true connection🌻

As far as coming out to your father… it sounds like, at some level, he already knows… There is always a more intense dynamic and desire for acceptance from family members… especially parents!… often we have always looked upon them as those who have always loved us and we fear that the enormity of simply… being ourself… might obliterate what has always been a secure constant in our life… I can’t tell you how it will turn out… I can tell you that everyone here who has come out to family members… has felt fear… I can also tell you that the connection you seek, lies on the other side of showing your true self to others… As I mentioned in the previous post about climbing the mountain… We often view the set of people in our life as a finite set of people but… as you move forward… new faces appear as we show our true face to the world… No matter how it goes with your father… All shall be well 🌻

Mindset, Perspective, Determination and Hope make all the difference as you walk the path you are laying out for yourself…Judging by what you have written, you have all of those within yourself and at your disposal!!! Those things will serve you well 🌻… listen to your fears but, don’t let them dominate your thoughts girl… Though this can all be scary… especially at the beginning… this is, at it’s core, an amazing journey and not to be missed!…🌻

I wrote a few words in reply number 77 here…

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,251753.60.html

Reflecting a bit on my own tipping point and mindset about seeking connection with life… You may see yourself a bit in them… 🌻

Lastly, for now… I will leave you with my favorite snippet of Walt Whitman from Song Of The Open Road… It is about finding ourself… our place in the world and our place amongst others, along life’s journey 🌻

“From this hour I ordain myself loos’d of limits and imaginary lines,
Going where I list, my own master total and absolute,
Listening to others, considering well what they say,
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,
Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me.
I inhale great draughts of space,
The east and the west are mine, and the north and the south are mine.

I am larger, better than I thought,
I did not know I held so much goodness.

All seems beautiful to me,
I can repeat over to men and women You have done such good to me I would do the same to you,
I will recruit for myself and you as I go,
I will scatter myself among men and women as I go,
I will toss a new gladness and roughness among them,
Whoever denies me it shall not trouble me,
Whoever accepts me he or she shall be blessed and shall bless me.”

Onward We Go Brave Sister!

Let us know how to help!

A 🙋‍♀️🌻💕

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