'Takes deep breath'
Hi everyone! Its taken me several years to get the courage to join up and write this thread... I'd like to share my story so far, make friends, share expirences and support others where I can. I'll apolgize in advance for any mispelling and bad grammer, quite dyslexic and terrified. After re reading this, its a total brain dump and my time scales move around alot, i've tried my best to tie everything together.
Gonna get this part over with first, my earliest 'bedroom' fantasies I always pictured myself as female, try as i might, I could never picture myself as male in that situation, after a while I started making my own clothes, it was exciting, exhilarating, as I got into my teenage years I started to wonder if i was gay, it haunted me, I kissed a couple of guys but it never felt right, more confusion, fab! I couldnt understand why i had this compulsion to dress, and i'll admit, yes, an espect of it really got me going, however, it felt safe and comfortable, normal... Overtime the only way I could rationalize it was as a kink, however I always had this nagging feeling there was more to it, I cant escape it. It ebbs and flows but never goes. I'm now 30 and i just cant keep the lid on anymore...
I've never vibed well with 'typical' men, i had a lot of female friends at school and queer male friends. That said I still exhibit/exhited many typical male traits, we always joked i was the 'manliest' one in the group, I can turn my hand to many practical things, enjoy typical male hobbies but still always feel out of place... As I've grown older and bulked out from work i've felt less and less intune with my body, I hate my body hair, its always a sign im in a bad place when i start growing a beard, im hiding, its like some subconscious drive to make me more 'manly' but it never lasts, I shave and its like i see me again. During the winter months i tend to do less heavy work and the muscle goes fast, again, it feels like i'm coming back.
'Takes another deep breath'
I've had long hair from about 14, partly as I idolized rock stars but also because short hair just did not feel right, I got teased alot at school and it hurt even more because it was the only outward sign at that point. I kept it a dark and confusing secret till i met my current partner. I fell madly in love with her and wanted to be as open as possible, also the fact she is bi made feel she might understand a little better. One evening I asked to try on one of her dresses and to my amazment and overwhelming joy she said yes, even encouraged and enjoyed it.
For ten years its mostly been a bedroom thing, sometimes i'll dress around the house, out and about I wear womens jeans, take any chance i can to wear nail polish and eye liner (usually a party or gig) but i've got to a point now where its not enough. I've finally admitted to my partner that its not just a kink, she sort of knew but its only coming to light now to what depth. I just dont know where to go from here, its so hard. My partner is having real trouble accepting it and so am i. I'm doing a hell of alot of soul searching. Our relationship has been rocky for a while, both stressed as hell from work and the current financial situation, covid etc... not the best time to come out but here we are... its done and im not hiding anymore.
There is more to the story but i've tried to keep it concise for now, this is a really scary/confusing/joyful time. As hard as it is right now, in my core I feel this warmth i've not felt before, it much easier for me to emote and even hug people... For the most part I'm still presenting as male but im just taking it slow. If something i've said doesn't make sense or needs expanding please say, i'll try to be as honest as possible. I hope as i go through this i can help others here, its been an incredible resource to me so far and i'm so thankful its here.
