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Aarghhh!!! I've been being financially abused

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Annabella:
It has been seven years since my last update.
At the time I was going through my initial phases of social transition and my SO at the time was being really sketch about the whole thing.

Well, a ton has happened since then (I doubt many of you remember me).
I ended up moving back to live with my SO, and they accepted my transition, and later after getting a better education on the subject they came out as trans as well. One would think that is almost a storybook/fairytale ending, but sadly no.

Instead I found myself retreating further and further into a shell to avoid emotional abuse in the forms of gaslighting, projection, etc. I didn't know it at the time but I was "grey rocking", trying to make myself invisible so he would focus his attention on others. In addition to this as the sole breadwinner I felt compelled to put any physical transition on hold for fear that it might put my employment in jeopardy, and working in a situation where I might need to be on camera presenting as male made me stop presenting as a part of my routine. I became withdrawn and depressed. My SO and I had already ended our physical relationship and he was seeing other people (sometimes multiple paramours).

This went on for a lot of years until recently an opportunity came my way where I would be working for another transwoman, and the first meeting I had with them and the other members of the company nearly made me cry. I was able to fully present and it just wasn't a thing.

This experience made me realize how important transitioning was to me and kind of woke me up and made me realize how utterly depressed I was. I was determined to start on my road to transition so I began looking for ways to do that, and I wanted to purchase some things to get started (makeup, gaffs, bras, etc etc).

However, my SO had me on an allowance, and it wasn't nearly enough to purchase even these basic things. So I told them by text that I wanted to pull some money from savings to cover it. They flipped out and told me I had triggered their insecurity about not earning money by bringing this up by text, and that they won't talk to me about it, that it should have been an in person conversation etc. Most importantly they told me that the savings was for the business they wanted to buy so they would no longer be unemployed. (not for my transition expenses in other words, even though I make all the money)

I was not about that at all.. but it made me really suspicious, so I went and I pulled our checking account records and did some forensic accounting.

What I discovered was disturbing. The allowance they had me on was less than 2% of my salary.
They were taking each paycheck, paying the bills, then splitting the check in half and spending half of it on clubs and dining out with their lovers, then taking the other half, shaving off the 2% to give to me, and putting the rest in savings for their business.

I thought I couldn't lose any more trust in them at this point. I thought I was being "honorable" by taking care of them financially because they are mentally ill. I've been so god damned naïve.

Yesterday I told them by text that our financial arrangement needs to change, that at the minimum I need to be given half of the discretionary income. They said they were triggered by me bringing up finances again by text, and they felt scared, and that they didn't think they could talk to me about this right now because they could "feel their emotions rising". They said we should have a discussion about it all later.

An hour or two after that they texted me and said they wanted to add a topic to that conversation, that they needed a new phone, and that they'd like an iPhone with an apple watch.

An hour or two after that they texted me again and said they wanted to add another topic to that conversation, that they wanted to take a one week vacation with one of their paramours.

The absolute balls.

They don't yet know that I've audited all the books and that was the source of my request about the finances.
I am preparing for a very contentious conversation.

Your thoughts are appreciated.

Iztaccihuatl:
Your current situation seems to be very lopsided in you SO's favor. However, since you are bringing in all the money, it is very easy for you to change the dynamic. All you need to do is open a bank account where only you have access to and ask your employer to deposit your earnings into that account. That'll cut off your SO from access to your earnings and you are in control.

You can then put your SO on a 2% allowance and see how they like that. Or, if you want to maintain your current relationship on a fair basis, you can split whatever is left after paying for living expenses. The key here is that you need to be in control of your income to have leverage over your current situation.

Not sure if you can (or want to) recover the money your SO has moved into this savings account for the business. If you do have access to that savings account that your SO maintains, you could also transfer what is yours from that account into a new savings account that only you control.

However, please be warned, if you do take some of these steps, be prepared that this can create a very volatile situation and things probably will get ugly between both of you and you should be prepared to separate on not very friendly terms. I am only pointing out what you can do (based on your description of your situation), it is up to you to decide whether you actually should take some of these steps.

Good luck for your conversations with your SO.

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