Topic: Should I "Educate" My Brother?

[Arch]

My father has been declining. Without going into a tortuous amount of family drama, I'll just say that I'm the black sheep of the family; I'm not supposed to see him and cannot help out. My brother is the one who has power of attorney and all of that, but he lives in another state.

For now, my father lives alone, but my brother plans to get him into an assisted living situation by summer. My brother recently breezed into town for a week or so to help out and do taxes and so forth. I had asked whether anyone, even just a neighbor, could keep an eye on Dad until he could get into a safer living situation, and my brother seems to have taken my hint: He has asked some neighbors to stay alert. He gave me their contact info and gave them mine.

And he outed me to them without my permission.

I figure that he did it because my father must still refer to me as his daughter . . . in a letter years ago, my dad did say that he wasn't going to tell my secret to anyone (not even my brother, who already knew), and he recently referred to me as female when he was talking to my brother. He also might have dementia. Nevertheless, I was so jolted that I could not respond to my brother's message for days. When I did, I tried to keep things light. I did not say how shaken I was. I did not tell him that he should never EVER out a trans person without permission. I'm wondering whether I still should say something.

The thing is, my brother probably won't have occasion to out me again, and at least he outed me to strangers who don't already know me and think of me as a "regular guy." In addition, I'm not sure how much good this "education" would do. My brother is pushing seventy. I mean, he might have another quarter century to make the same mistake, but I don't believe he knows any other trans people. Also, we have a tenuous relationship as it is, and I'm reluctant to jeopardize what we do have.

I know that nobody knows the full story or can make this decision for me, but I would appreciate some thoughts.

[Rakel]

If a family member is asked about me, I just gently remind the family member that I am semi-stealth. I am out to family and friends to be sure, but nobody else. My situation does not concern people I do not know.

[Devlyn]

I will second the gentle reminder bit. But only you know if this is a hill worth dying on.

We've both been here for a long time. You may remember the post about someone's partner (a trans woman) with dementia. As the condition worsened and the recent memories faded, she forgot that she had transitioned and wondered why people were calling her a female name. She only remembered her younger days as a male. I know this is different from your situation, but it is a reminder of how cruel dementia really is, and how it affects people.

I hope you are able to navigate this issue successfully.

Hugs, Devlyn

[CaelaNotKayla]

I think it comes down to a question of does it really matter to you…

I was mortified the first time it happened… since then I’ve been outed to two church congregations, my in-law’s neighbors, and the Boy Scouts of America.  While I believe it’s truly none of their business, it really has no effect on my life- so that piece doesn’t bother me.

What does bother me is the respect angle, and was the outing inadvertent or intentional. They may not even realize that it is disrespectful.  If it was intentional, then I would wonder if a conversation would honestly change anything… a gentle reminder may be better than starting a civil war.

And huge hugs for what you are going through with your father… My FIL was transitioning as Alzheimer’s took hold.  They don’t remember their female self, and giggle every time they see me now… dementia truly is sad to see play out.

Hugs!

Caela

[tgirlamg]

Hi Arch!

As far as your father… It can, in many circumstances, be difficult for people who have known us for a lifetime… perhaps especially a parent… to remake the mental image they have of us… Possible dementia would certainly not help matters!… I recently lost my 97 year old aunt after helping her navigate many years of declining health and mobility… She was thrilled about my transition and gaining a niece but, even still, she could easily call me “he” in conversations…  certainly no malice involved… just old familiar neural pathways doing what they do! I may of corrected her once or twice years ago but, I quit worrying about it… However she ended up referring to me was fine,

As far as your brother… I think that often we, the trans population, have these rules that are set in stone in our minds about how we should be treated and regarded by others and come to an assumption that these rules are common knowledge…Being one or two percent of the population… I think we can sometimes forget the other 98% of the population (who in many cases have never met a trans person)… may understandably not see learning all these rules as a priority…

You would know better than any of us if your brother is open to learning more about how you would like to be treated… I think trying to educate others, who are not open to what you are offering can sometimes lead them to resist what you offer and, can sometimes take them to a place of some resentment, thinking you feel they need to be corrected and told something about how to treat others. Egos on both sides can be fragile things… Be gentle with others and be gentle with yourself.

Relationships between siblings can be a highly complicated animal… especially when the focus of the discussion is the parent…. Every interaction with the sibling over a lifetime can come into play… I don’t envy your position but, I would search yourself and trust your heart on how best to proceed dear brother. All good things to you and your family during these difficult times!

Hugs!

Ashley 🙋‍♀️💕🌻

[Arch]

We've both been here for a long time. You may remember the post about someone's partner (a trans woman) with dementia. As the condition worsened and the recent memories faded, she forgot that she had transitioned and wondered why people were calling her a female name. She only remembered her younger days as a male. I know this is different from your situation, but it is a reminder of how cruel dementia really is, and how it affects people.

One of my biggest fears is that this scenario will happen to ME. However, I've always had a secret male identity (thought not with the name I have now), so I hope that if it does happen, I'll actually be pleased. Or something.

[SarahEL]

I would appreciate some thoughts.

I wont regurgitate what others have said, only to say 'pick your battles'... and IMHO this does not seem like a battle that even if you win would gain you anything.

I am sorry to hear about you father. Hugs