Hey all -
Apology in advance for the ramble. I'm not sure where this is going to go, other than I need to work it out... and I often do these things best by writing, so here goes:
Day was fine, but two unrelated events which, as I sit here now share a common link as items on my transition "mise en place" prep list.
(hang on - need to put some music on to trick my head into thinking there's only one noise in the world and keep my headache at bay... going with FOW's Utopia Parkway)
Ok, back - Today was an electrolysis day. Great as always. Affirming, fun, lovely. All that. Not sure how we got into it, but we shared some old embarrassing stories and I told her the time when I was a young kid (I thought I was a senior in HS) and one of the stories I was assigned to write for the major metropolitan newspaper I worked for (yeah, like Clark Kent

) was about this gold-medal winning Olympian who now was breeding horses. Except what they didn't tell me in advance was it was all done via artificial insemination. So I was this young kid, talking to very beautiful, confident, woman about how they... you know... ugh.. I shudder NOW thinking about that day. Although it was funny when I got back to office and EVERYONE laughed.
Anyway, stuff like that.
Point is, when I got home I said I'd try to find the clip for her. My dad had saved a bunch of my clips... most/all of them I'd thought and it wasn't there. So I went online, and I had to do a trial subscription to get into the archive and... wow.. I guess I'd forgotten... in the course of the time I was there, starting in HS as a "correspondent" to when I was a staff writer through college and early in law school? I wrote like 250 stories... some crazy stuff too. And I forgot a LOT of it.
I spent all day going through it. All of it. It was fun... and it was ... something else. More on that in a bit.
On my way to my appointment, probably my closest friend called me. I'm getting sick of making up these excuses for where I'm going/what I'm doing every Wednesday morning and I can't wait until that ends. But that's neither here nor there.
But anyway, he mentioned that he and his wife were going to see some friends this weekend. And it just hit me the wrong way. We've been trying to make plans with them for a while. I mean, we talk nearly every day... but plans are like pulling teeth it seems. And it seems like we are always initiating. And for whatever reason this morning I just snapped at him and said "you know, I'm really done with all this. You do have other friends you haven't seen in a while you. And it's not an obligation, it's an invitation... so you won't hear me mention it again."
I surprised myself by how ... hmmm... snappy and grumpy I was. Him too, and he kind of laughed it off a bit, and I just said I had to go and ended the call. He texted later in the day (he picked up his new car) and I responded with a gif or something normal, but... even so I know that was a dumb thing to do. Because once you break that seal, you put the other person into an unwinnable situation. No matter what he does... doesn't matter. If they make plans to see us, he gets no credit because I said something. And if he doesn't, it's even worse because I did say something.
Oh yeah, one of the things I said: "I'm not sure if it's me or (my wife) that your wife has an issue with, but it's obviously one of us. And it's too bad, because you know we love her." That was just mean. It's how I feel (hurt)... but it was still mean.
So the connection.
I feel like going through the articles ... was part of taking a long, nostalgic walk through my past before I move on from it. I'm not running from anything. I'm not denying my past. But it still felt like when I used to walk the empty basketball court a few hours before a championship game, you know? Just a last pensive look at the way things were before you know everything is going to change.
And the call? Things are going to change with friends. Yeah maybe not with all of them. Maybe not with these friends... but maybe so. So maybe preemptively taking an action now to push people away makes me less likely to get hurt later? It certainly wasn't what I was actively doing... but after the fact it was one of the explanations to myself as to why I did it.
That's all really.
Love,
Allie