Topic: Really doesent know what i am.

[anonymousperson11]

I wrote here few weeks ago about my situation. i felt a little bit of relief that i finally put on words what im feeling for nearly 18 years.

I will explaine my situation. i hope someone can tell me what he thinks about it.

Im 33 years old guy (at least for now), and i have soms strange feeling of fantasy since age 16 of being a woman in a intimate relationship with a man. i imagine myself as a woman having affair with man.

My fantasy of becoming a woman comes in 99% only in my sexual desire. it barely comes in any ways of daily roles or playing feminine acts.

The most weird thing is that in many of my days i do alot of masculine acts. i watch martial arts, boxing and kickboxing alot. i mean, the most "manly" things that someone can do. BUT, most times after i do manly acts i have strong desire of reading about <not allowed>. i return of imagine myself as a woman with a man.

I know many transsexuals in their previous life were acting as masculine mans. many have been on military, many have tried to show a man mode, bodybuilding, etc.

I still doesent know. what is wrong here? in one occasion i trying to be the most manly that i can do, but after 1 hour i imagine myself as a woman with man.

I know many of you will tell me going to a gender therapist. but it is very hard for me, and i still doesent know whether i have gender dysphoria or not.

Help please  .

[Northern Star Girl]

Dear  anonymousperson11
Welcome back to Susan's Place and the Forums...
       
this appears to be your very first posting since you just became
a "new" member about 1 hour ago.
                  However
I am attempting to find your previous message that
you mentioned that you sent few weeks ago.
Please be looking for a message that I will soon be sending to you.

Again, Welcome back to Susan's Place and the Forums.
Regards,
Danielle     northernstargirl@susans.org

[Gina P]

Dear anonymous,
  As everyone is different I can only offer what my life has been. Growing up was a difficult time trying to fit in while feeling different. At those times I thought every man imagines what life would be like as a woman. I would sneak into wear my mothers clothes, later on when I discovered masturbation i always imagined myself in the female body. I always did traditionally male things hunting, fishing, outdoor activities, pretended to be tough. Lifted weights and ran. Married and had a son. When my wife would go out I would dress in her clothes imagining I was a woman, it usually ended with masturbation then a load of guilt and I would swear never to do it a gain. Days or weeks later repeat. When I would be able to get a piece of female clothing , bra or undies I kept them hid sometimes for months on end. I would again indulge in my fantasy, ended with guilt and burn everything(purge) only to start over a few weeks later. Years fly by and my depression grew living this double life. Eventually I sought medication and professional help. Excepting the truth of myself I decided to transition fully. Now at 60 I feel life is worth living. As my body lines with my brain and I no longer have to hide who I am, makes a huge difference. Its if that 100lb sack has been lifted off my back. My biggest regret is that I didn't start sooner. Good luck on you journey of self discovery. Remember you are stronger than you imagine.
   Hugs Gina

[Maid Marion]

My wife not only accepted that I was transgender after she observed my behavior after a week, but we talked every day about stuff.  We set ground rules about dressing.  We would go to a social event and discuss afterwards.  She'd talk about life from the female perspective if you had sisters.

But, it extremely rare to have a female best friend who you can talk to.

My situation allowed for a slow transition in which I was comfortable making small but meaningful changes of the years.
It sped up in my last year of work.  They instituted a dress code and I started wearing skirts to work!

Marion

[coral23]

Anonymousperson 11,

Your story is a lot like mine, with the exception of a fantasy of being with a man, and your young age.  I am 75 and just started my journey towards womanhood about 4 years ago.

Even though I had many of the same feelings and confusions as a child, and even through my time as an adult, I just found out about gender dysphoria 4 years ago.  My introduction began when I mentioned to my doctor that I would like a medication to increase breast size.  It was difficult to say this to him, but I did.  His response was to refer me to a Gender Pathways doctor.  It just took one physical visit for me to be diagnosed with gender dysphoria.  So my journey began.

I encourage you to mention your confusions and questions to your doctor.  I have found all medical staff to be extremely accommodating and non-judgmental when they are made aware.

Wishing you the best luck at proceeding forward.

Coral

[amandam]

A therapist would help. Quiet reflection would also help. Think about if your feelings are only sexual in nature. If so, think about if you are really homosexual or bi. If you can't separate the thought of being a woman with a man, and you don't feel you want male to male sex, perhaps you are trans? Think about that. Also, think about if the need to be a woman during sex is more of a fetish. Do you crossdress? If so, is the need to be with a man a sort of fantasy, where the man is just a "prop" to help you experience the "fantasy" of a woman having sex. Also, think about if you ever want to be a woman, a regular woman, not a "hot" woman, or a "young, cute" woman, but just a regular woman, living a woman's life. Does that ring a bell? And finally, if you can get to a quiet place in your mind, try to think about if you feel your internal sense of self is female or male.

I know all of this sounds hard, and it may be a work in progress, but the exercise is worth doing to get a sense of self. It may be hard at first, do not dismiss any thoughts. For example, you may be jealous of young, cute women. That could be because you feel "robbed" because you are not one of them, or, it could be ultimately sexual in nature, related to a fetish.

People who want to be a woman during sex can do so for a couple of reasons - one, because they really are women and just haven't understood themselves, or two, it is a sexual thing. And, it could be a combination of the two. Many people have both situations. The key is to find out which is strongest. Did the sexual feelings lead you to feel like a woman thereby confusing you (not really trans but think you are), or is the woman inside peeking out? A sexual component is not a barrier to being transgender. But, i think that the sexual component should not be the driving force to changing sex. The only driving force for that should be an internal woman, if that is your real self.