Author Topic: A FTM's story  (Read 4018 times)

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Offline Susan

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A FTM's story
« on: June 12, 2006, 11:10:40 pm »
I stumbled across this diary on I felt it would be a good one to share with the people here.....

A trans story*
By undergroundpanther on
Fri Jun-09-06 07:53 AM

When I was 19 I was in a mental hospital. When I
was there my therapists tried to make me
un-<not allowed>.

One day my therapist said she was curious about
my "sexuality". She thought it was "peculiar", So we
began to talk about it. She remarked how
 "masculine" I looked. I told her how I never heard
the end of taunts in school, stuff like dyke "It",
etc. I told her I felt more comfortable being
masculine. She asked why?

I told her I didn't know why, it was always this
way for me, I never felt all that "female". I
didn't know what transgender was back than. All I
know is I was not a girl, never was. I explained to
her my body didn't match the me on the
inside, that there was always this discomfort
about my body vs what I feel I am or was supposed
to be. I told her my breasts felt like tumors and
that I wished I could get them off, I told her I
wished I could get my uterus out. That I would do
it right now if I could.

What was the response? A sex reeducation class.

She described the class like it was a high school
sex ed class. I told her I already knew the basics
about sexual mechanics and all that. I told her I
was not active sexually because I felt such pain
and revulsion with my body being so wrong. She
insisted I go to the class, so I went.

It was a nightmare.

In the class first day there were big sheets of
paper taped to the wall, we were told to write the
slang names any names of sexual body parts on
these papers, since I was "female" I was put over
in the female section of the room. I stood there
not wanting to write, I saw others put up
twat, <not allowed>, <not allowed>, <not allowed> etc. I just wanted to die.

I stood there with my magic marker...

Than each person read what they wrote, I was
scrutinized because I didn't write anything. I
sure as hell didn't say why. What followed was a
typical film about sexual body parts you would
see in high school health class.

The next class the presiding therapist asked
everyone about their sexual expressions, again I
said nothing but I had to sit there and listen as
another patient described in detail masturbating
in the bathtub on his unit about rape, and the
person he described was me. There were not many
people in this hospital with a big blue Mohawk
and a vest with a panther on it. I was mortified.
After that we saw a film about women's sexuality,
it was as crass and degrading as a "girls gone
wild" commercial and I was grilled about how I
felt about it. And after that I got advice I
didn't want.

After being told I would never attract a man with
the masculine appearance I had, and that I was
too "rough" and inappropriate I exploded. I told
the therapist I am not a girl, don't you get it?
NOT a girl NEVER was!! I don't want to force
myself to be one!! NO I don't want to learn to be
one either!! I stormed out.

After that I refused to go to class and spent
the time in solitary. In response to my "non
compliance". My therapist made up a "behavior
modification" program she wanted me to follow.
I was told to "soften" my look, to stop shaving my
head, to not wear my vest, to try skirts and
makeup and I was informed that staff would
 "assist" me with this..

This program became the mother of all power
struggles, and I was put into solitary, restrained,
lose privileges and humiliated until I complied.
I was told how to sit, to not sprawl out, to walk a
way that felt weird. One day I walked out on the
unit in a skirt feeling so awkward, I went back
to my room cut my arms and and put on my
jeans. And That got me in worse trouble.

I could not stand the greasy feeling of
foundation, I hated the hair I wanted my hawk
back. I felt like a clown dressed up "pretty".
Eventually they gave up on changing me.. But for
months I had played their silly gender conformity
game, and fought against it. I tried to be someone
else, and it made me dangerously suicidal. It never
occured to them THEY were causing it. This
hospital kept me way longer than what was
required i had very good insurance so the
admistrators had a financial interest in
declaring me as messed up as possible to get the
insurance money.

By the time the staff gave up on this
"program" the damage was done. I was re
traumatized and I to this day don't trust
any "professional" who thinks transgender issues
are just a bunch of hysteria. Trying to be a
 "girl" is painful to my mind be it for my mother
, or to avoid being bullied at school or to please
a fascist therapist.. Playing that game is deadly
to me. I cannot be a girl or dress up like one,
every fiber of my being reacts against it, it's
like a gay person trying to act straight you
cannot keep up the lie for long before it starts
to tear you apart from the inside out..

To do sex at all for me is about focused
imagination, because I do not want to feel my
body is what it is. The wrongness is intrusive and
it totally ruins sex for me. So I am asexual.

When I got my hysterectomy no longer was my body
being flooded with crazy making hormones that
made my mind crack up, no longer was I bound by
the bleeding and the pain. With the uterus gone I
felt calmer and more relaxed and no longer
dreaded the reminder every month of everything
wrong with me..

The therapist I have now, he knows my body is at
war, conflicted, it's not all in my head. A war
exists between my masculine psyche and partial
male body and the feminine remnants, the parts
that are a 'mistake'that will not disappear
without some intervention. And he wants me to get
my mastectomy. He agrees it will help me. When he
signed his recommend I cried. If I can get the
money I can get it done now! I wish so bad I
could be free of this chest, for want of 6, 800
bucks, I cannot afford.. Surgical help so I can
feel at peace. Transgender hurts until the body
matches the mind.

That's how my situation us. For Trans-people the
wrong body is like a closet we live through
everyday of our lives. This closet body goes
everywhere we go, with us every moment, this closet
is there, until it is taken off and our true self
is free.

To the bigots that run the state and many health
insurances my situation is not real.. and this is
really bigoted. Just because some people don't
understand they will not take my suffering
seriously.. And because of bigoted attitudes
ignorance and fear the state will be able to
discriminate against trans-people deny us a way
to "come out" of our wrong bodies, and feel at
peace. It will go on as long as ignorance, social
control and unwillingness to accept what you
yourself do not experience and cannot imagine can
be true for someone else society will try to
force gender and sexuality to fit into particular
narrow binary forms, and this will enable bigots
to treat people who don't fit the mold as
'deviants' and make them second class citizens,
deny them help they need and their human rights.

Different oriented and identified people who are
not by their nature simply male or female or
straight will suffer living lies. The closet is
not just denying who you are attracted to and
hiding it, the closet for trans-people is our own
body. Straight sexuality is not all there
is, likewise make or female gender is not all
there is, it all runs through a spectrum, It is
not male or female, straight or gay it's
both/and/whatever else... in different
combinations inside each person. A dual rainbow. A
dual rainbow has 2 bows the spectrum in a dual
rainbow runs both directions.. And sometimes one
bow is more pronounced than the other
one, sometimes they both are bright, it
varies.. Like the spectrum of sexual/personal
identities and orientations do. The twin bows of
orientation and gender are vast and unique to
each person.

I ask how can another person who is not me, who
does not want to understand my situation, who will
not empathize, or is unable to, or chooses not to
get to deny me the right to define who I am for

And isn't that what WE ALL are fighting for?

The right to really BE WHO WE ARE and be treated
like human beings with dignity and human rights?

*Posted here with the author's permission. He said he will be joining us whoot!
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Offline Dennis

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Re: A FTM's story
« Reply #1 on: June 12, 2006, 11:52:04 pm »
I'm glad. That was so well written and looks like from the comments it educated some people.

Welcome dude when you get here.



Re: A FTM's story
« Reply #2 on: June 13, 2006, 01:40:19 am »
I second that.


Re: A FTM's story
« Reply #3 on: June 13, 2006, 06:05:36 am »

Well written, very descriptive of the feeling of not being a girl and not wanting to "learn to be one".

Offline NightAngel

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Re: A FTM's story
« Reply #4 on: June 13, 2006, 06:39:51 pm »
Very sad story, I get wet eyes when I read it.  :'(

Welcome dear friend!!

* :icon_hug:*



Re: A FTM's story
« Reply #5 on: June 13, 2006, 07:52:38 pm »
What else is there to say.


Offline Nero

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Re: A FTM's story
« Reply #6 on: June 14, 2006, 01:25:52 am »
After being told I would never attract a man with the masculine appearance I had, and that I was too rough and inappropriate,
So familiar. I heard this constantly growing up.


Posted at: June 14, 2006, 01:18:14 AM

To do sex at all for me is about focused imagination, because I do not want to feel my body is what it is. The wrongness is intrusive and it totally ruins sex for me. So I am asexual.
This is probably the only thing in this story that is not familiar. Nothing could ruin sex for me. I've simply got to have it. I just don't take my shirt off.

Nero was the Forum Admin here at Susan's Place for several years up to the time of his death.

Underground Panther

Re: A FTM's story
« Reply #7 on: June 14, 2006, 10:14:59 pm »
hi I just got registered in the site here,tonight,I intro-ed myself on the intro page! Hello everybody. You know I'm not 100 male, I am an adrogyny,I appear very male,and it's awkward when people  you see on the street,in a store,or wheverer can't figure out your gender and peg you as one or the other, it's very revealing as to how deeply gender and the artificial construct of 'normal' has permeated  into humans, if colors how we talk, relate ,discribe and even greet each other. Scary ain't it? To help out a stammering checkout clerk or office receptionist I bypass gender totally and say,Just call me Panther.


Re: A FTM's story
« Reply #8 on: June 14, 2006, 10:57:04 pm »
To help out a stammering checkout clerk or office receptionist I bypass gender totally and say,Just call me Panther.
Oh, I like that strategy. (=

Underground Panther

Re: A FTM's story
« Reply #9 on: June 17, 2006, 10:07:34 am »
focusing the gender confused onto your name gets them to see your personhood and not see your gender anymore. I figured it out one day. I was dealing with a checkout clerk and she was tired and flustered,maa'm and sirring me.. She really didn't want to offend and didn't know what to say to me,so I said just call me Panther.Now everyone at that store calls me Panther.I like it because That's who I is.I'm not she or he,I don't know anybody named  she's or he's... Ever think of how dehumanizing it is to be called a name that is  contrived from the assumed type of your gonads,which are always concealed in public ? Isn't it a weird  social game when you look at it that way?

Posted at: June 17, 2006, 10:04:41 AM

We gotta get a non-dehumanizing gender neutral pronoun in third person  for society to use.. .I even called the store clerk a she in my other post . I put my foot in it didn't I?
This gender thing is so ingrained.


Re: A FTM's story
« Reply #10 on: August 06, 2006, 02:04:16 am »
Hi Panther:

Beautiful and sad story.  You brought tears to my eyes :'( and reminded me of the times when I was in the white room.  I always say that life would have been much easier without those experiences, but now that I think about it, the word survival wouldn't mean the same without them!!!
It's so great to have you here Panther; I just hadn't seen this thread before.


Offline jaded

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Re: A FTM's story
« Reply #11 on: August 06, 2006, 10:51:33 am »
hey man thanx for puting this out there i hope plenty  prejudice people read it and finally get it .
it would  be nice to hear more from you


Re: A FTM's story
« Reply #12 on: August 06, 2006, 01:35:24 pm »
WOW just wow..... I have heard a thousand people try to explain what its like to be T but non have hit home with me as much as this one..... I wish I had this when I came out.


Re: A FTM's story
« Reply #13 on: August 06, 2006, 06:37:20 pm »
That is truely and amazeingly written........ maby if I print a coppy and give it to my dad he might finaly get it.   Thankyou so much and welcome :)

Offline Luc

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Re: A FTM's story
« Reply #14 on: August 07, 2006, 12:27:44 am »
Outstanding article, but sad story, and I can relate, at least until the insanity of the therapists. I do hope this dude joins us soon... I'm interested to hear more. And Nero, you're lucky. Sex with the parts I have feels, well, wrong. Anything involving them feels wrong. But I'm not asexual... I just need the right parts.

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